~A Bitter Swallow~

I think I thought-vomited in my brain a little bit...

Thought-Vomit

My brain is constantly mumbling and muttering to itself. Sometimes it screams. Sometimes what it has to say is interesting enough to make note of, or is adamant enough that it must come out. I'll put that stuff here. :)
Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Ouch

So, I've been taking these Pilate's classes every Tuesday morning and Thursday evening. I can feel my core strengthening, and I notice that I tend to pull in my tummy and stand/sit up straighter more often now. I also have noticed that my shoulder absolutely and unequivocally does not like this new addition to our weekly routine. It has been howling and kicking and screaming every step of the way. Especially when we are doing the rotator cuff stretches. It makes me wonder again if it is that little bugger that's bugging out, although the medical staff had deemed it something else, although what that something else was, they never would tell. All I know, is it hurts. From the nape of my neck, down into my shoulder blade (all-encompassing), around the front of my chest, down through the top of my shoulder, into my elbow, and radiates down into my palm and fingers. I drop stuff that I hold in that hand often. Not always, but often enough for me to notice, and for others to notice.

Part of me thinks this stubborn reluctance to participate is good. Maybe it will work that sucker out, stretch it out, and make it more pliable and less ouchy. The other part wonders if I'm causing more harm than good. It most certainly feels that way, especially at night when I am trying to sleep. Grrr....

But, oh well. Class only runs for one more week. I'm not sure what I'm going to do when it ends. Probably cry. And my stupid shoulder will dance with joy.

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Wednesday, August 5, 2009

To Everything, There is a Season



To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.


It's been brought to my attention recently that I "am not the same person I use to be". It was mentioned in a negative way. It makes me wonder who they think I was? Does anyone really know the real me? I know that there are people I work with, and others, who occasionally read this, and do not need the gory details as to what my life entailed. I'm sure if you use your imagination, it will come close. Better yet, drop a couple hits of LSD, then use your imagination, and you'll probably just about hit it on the nail head. Just know, it wasn't the most angelic of days. I now feel that perhaps a bit of garbled explanation is in order. Or maybe I just need to vent. This will probably make some people angry, but I'm okay with that right now.


Do you know how a heart can break when your 8 year old daughter looks at you and says, "Mommy, I'm so glad you don't drink anymore."? It's shattering. It is also an eye-opener.



I've noticed that people have a slightly askew vision of who they think I am. Granted, they have reason to think this way. I led a valiant effort pretending to be someone who I wasn't. I was very convincing. I was a person driven by escape and release. My choices were not healthy, they were not productive, and most notable of all- they were horrible influences upon my children.


The sad part is, I was so good at pretending I was happy. And in a way, I was, but that was because I was able to forget what my life really was. Temporary escapism, nothing real. I still had to wake up and face reality. I still had to live the life I had put myself in. And the more I pushed to make changes that actually gave me true happiness, the more others pushed against me, telling me that wasn't who I was. My resolve to make choices that affected me in a productive, positive way was met with resistance from all facets of my social life. They couldn't possibly believe that I could give this up and be okay with it. Since I wasn't out there "having the time of my life" anymore, it had to be bad. I had caught myself in a cycle of doing and being everything that everyone else wanted me to be, instead of being who I wanted to be. Instead of being who my kids needed me to be. The longer this facade went on, the more ingrained into everyone it became that this was who I was. Even when the truth leaked out, it was soon forgotten, in order for the charade to continue. Forgotten by them, but not forgotten by me.


I finally got to a point where it was time to take those drastic measures, and do what was right, not only for me, but for all involved. It had been voiced by many (albeit, not to me) that it was something that needed to be done. However, when the task was accomplished, I was met not with sympathy and rejoicement, but anger, disappointment and disapproval by those I had counted on to support me. I decided (with a bit of nudging by certain persons), to let go of the shame and bitterness I held at being regarded with such emotion, and rather to let those emotions in the others run their coarse.


It seems that some are still running that race. They are still circling that track, and perhaps they don't know where the finish line is. Or perhaps they have another finish line in mind. Regardless of what others may feel, though, I am happy. I am not just content, I am at peace with myself. Finally. I have found where I need to be. I need to be home. With my children. Both of them consistently tell me how much happier they are that I am home, that I don't drink, that we no longer have loud obnoxious parties. Thankfully, that is all they remember or noticed about me back in those times- just the drinking and the parties.


So to those of you who feel I am not the same person that I was- I am not. Not because I am not being true to myself, but because I am finally being true to myself. The person you were viewing was an illusion. Who you were seeing was not me, but someone everyone else wanted and enjoyed. Now it's time for me to be me for me. I'm done with being who everyone else wants me to be. I've found my Self, and I am quite content there. I like being at home. I like doing those mundane household chores, even while I complain about them. I like going to bed early. I like to just hang out and laugh with my kids and my boyfriend. I don't need the bars, or the parties. I leave that to those who still enjoy them. Why should I do something that I am not enjoying if I don't have to?


Perhaps this change causes me to appear to be a hermit. I look back on the past few weeks and laugh at that. I've been out constantly for the past month. I've had only a couple of days where I was able to stay in my pajamas and putter around the house for the day. The rest have been filled with dinners, bbqs, friends, errands, and excursions. I will go out to events, but leave once the real party starts. My life is full and beautiful. I am no longer afraid to wake up and face my reality. I no longer need to immerse myself in fantasy and substance to color my world and make me forget. I am happy.
I know this post is amorphous at best. I guess I don't really know what it is about me lately that people are so turned against. I want it to be known that I welcome anyone's comments, questions or concerns about what I've been going through, doing, and what your perceptions of me have been. I am not a closed door. Quite the opposite, in fact. I am more open now than I have ever been before.

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