~A Bitter Swallow~

With all my previous bouts with depression, the one thing that separated me from the norms (considering the level of "depressed" I rated based off of their tests) was that I never contemplated suicide.  Jumping in my car and driving until I ran out of gas, then hopping on a bus until it stopped- yes.  But suicide, no.  I always felt that suicide was a cop-out, and the most selfish thing anyone could ever, ever do.  I still do.  Of course, back then I had others around me who made me feel wanted.  I felt like there were people I could turn to, people I could talk to, people who would actually miss me if I left like that. 

I guess that's what scares me the most this time around.  I don't feel like I have those people anymore.  I don't feel like anyone would be particularly upset, at least not for very long.  It would be more of an "Oh, well that sucks..." and then life would move on.  Suicide has entered my thoughts on many occasions this go-around.  I just don't see the purpose of being here.  I don't have a purpose.  

Other than my kids.  Many parents say that their kids are their life.  And I'm sure that they mean it.  But I wonder how many of them are as literal as "My kids are why I am still alive"?  Because my kids are the only reason I haven't acted on those contemplations.  When I get really down and to that point, I see their faces, and wonder what would happen to them if I were to take the coward's way out.  And I can't do it. 

Many parents say that they would give up their life for their kids.   I am giving up my death for them. 

I'm not sure if that's honorable or not. 

  In my quest for happiness, etc.. blah blah blah, I decided that I should have a bucket list.  A to-do list for my life.  I like the idea of having a list that I can look at, to help point me along the paths I should be taking.  I am in the beginning stages of two separate lists-  one that pertains just to things I want to accomplish, and another that pertains to things I'd like to accomplish with the family.   I figure this will help me plan vacations, or even just see where I need to work towards.  I still need to sit down with the kids and get their wish lists to help add to that list.  In any event, for those of you interested, here are my two lists as they've been completed thus far:

Bucket List (Personal)


1. Finish writing Bone & Silver

2. Publish Bone & Silver

3. Write another book

4. Learn how to speak / write Latin

5. Learn how to crochet or knit

6. Take a cruise

7. Visit every state in the U.S.

8. Visit the pyramids in Egypt

9. Visit Rome

10. Visit Australia

11. Learn to salsa dance

12. Stay in a 5-star hotel

13. Go to the beaches on Hawaii

14. See a volcano

15. Learn to spin on the spinning wheel

16. Own my own home

17. Ride a train

18. Lose 40 pounds

19. Keep the weight off!

20. Learn how to sew clothing

21. Become debt free (fix my credit report!)

22. Stay in a haunted house (or hotel)

23. Learn how to and actually make my own liquors

24. Teach myself to write left-handed

25. Learn to drive a stick-shift

26. Be able to do the splits

27. See Stonehenge

28. Go on a safari

29. See a ballet

30. See an opera

31. Get acupuncture

32. Learn to shoot my bow

33. Take singing lessons

34. See the original Mona Lisa

35.  Write everyday

36.  Work on (and complete!) at least one craft per week

37. Buy a brand new car

38. Take singing lessons





Bucket List (with family)

1. Places to visit:

a) Disneyland

b) Disney world

c) Sea World

d) San Diego Zoo

e) California Redwoods

f) Vegas

g) New York City

h) Statue of Liberty

i) Grand Canyon

j) Yosemite

k) Hawaii

l) Mount Rushmore



2. Go on a picnic

3. Go camping

4. Go geocaching

5. Teach the kids to drive

6. Do science experiments from the books we bought

 
 
  Do you have a bucket list?  I'd love to hear any suggestions, or what you would like to accomplish before you "kick the bucket".

So, yesterday I met up with Dustin after work. I got out at 12:30, so we went and had some lunch, then headed over to Lowe's to pick up a new, desperately needed lawnmower and weed-eater. We came home excited to get them put together and start on getting our lawn in shape.

Unfortunately, we came home to both dogs nowhere in sight. He had left them in the yard, like we always do. The house just gets too warm to leave them inside on sunny days. It's never been a problem. Until yesterday.

I'm not sure whether I am totally convinced that they just escaped on their own. They've shown no precedence to do such a thing before. In any event, whether or not they got out of their own will, or someone elses', they were gone. Dustin scoured the neighborhood looking for them. When we got the kids from school, we drove around to the neighborhood on the other side of the trees to see if anyone there had seen them. We left our names and phone numbers with various people in case they spotted them.

Then this morning, Dustin called the Humane Society to see if any dogs were brought in that matched Muttley or Sam's description. They had a dog that matched Muttley's. But not one for Sam. We went in, and sure enough, there he was, scared and excited to see us. But they did not have Sam. This is not a big surprise, since Muttley is much more apt to come up to someone whereas Sam is more likely to just run.

Luckily though, the gal helping us do the paperwork to get Muttley back was able to contact the animal control officer who had picked Muttley up. He told her that he had not seen another dog with Muttley, but had reports that a lady had possession of another dog spotted with Muttley at her house, and a control officer was on his way there to pick her up. We got that officers name and number, and the address for the house, and headed out.

When we got there, there she was! The officer was already there, talking with the lady. She said they had both shown up, having run across a huge field that ran from our backyard to hers (we're talking, maybe a mile across here, if not more). She said Muttley ran away, and so did Sam at first, but then Sam returned alone, scared and lost. She fed her, and got her to come to her. Then she called the Humane Society to let them know she had her.

I was sooooooo incredibly thankful that both were found and both were safe and sheltered from last night's rain! It was hard for me to sleep last night, listening to it pounding on my rooftop, thinking of them both stuck out in it, lost and alone. I thanked the woman who took Sam in profusely.

Even better, we paid nickles compared to what this could have cost us. Since Muttley got brought in after when we could have come got him yesterday, the woman at the shelter did not charge us yesterday's kennel fee. And the officer who met us to pick up Sam said he'll just use this instance as a warning. That's a $120 ticket we're free from right there. All in all, what we were thinking was going to cost us about $300, only cost us just over $60. With the money we saved from that, we are going to build up the fence around the yard so that they are physically unable to jump it or dig under it. Some nice lattice, some chicken-wire for underneath, some planter boxes and flowers for outside... maybe some berry bushes and roses for thorny deterrents. I get a safer spot for the dogs to go, and some more gardening for me! It's win-win as far as I'm concerned.

So, here's to lost dogs found, better sleep, and a negative getting turned into a positive.