~A Bitter Swallow~

I Am.. Depressed.  

You didn’t see that one coming, did you?  I know it doesn’t sound very “affirmation-y”.   I am, though. Right now. I have actually put off writing this post all day because of it.  I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to deal with discussing it- even (especially) with myself.  I still don’t think I am, but it’s time to tackle it. 

 I’ve battled with depression for a very long time now. Something in my brain isn’t quite wired right-  the chemicals are off or whatever- and it wreaks havoc on my thought patterns. That in turn snowballs down into a plethora of other ailments/symptoms/whathaveyou that I’m not going to go into here.  I have good days. I have bad days.  Sometimes I have really bad days, and sometimes I’ll have a really good day.  What I have come to realize though, is that the best way for me to pull through these bad bouts is to recognize and acknowledge when I’m having these slumps.  In a way- I treat it like you would (should) any other abuser-  look them in the eye, let them know you recognize them for what they are, and even though you may not be able to get away from them right now- you are going to fight them- rather than continue to keep your head down and take the abuse and believe the lies.  

That’s not to say I always win- because I don’t.  There are some days where the best I can do is get out of bed and make my coffee. Maybe bury myself in a book or movie or some video games.  It does help me keep from giving up though, and it helps to continue fighting, and it helps me continue to challenge the terrible things my brain likes to tell me.  So, going off my themes of staying accepting, breathing, and staying calm…  I’m accepting the fact that I’m currently depressed, and that depression is something I battle.  I am breathing through it and remaining (as much as I can) calm. When those thoughts start going through my head, instead of giving in, I’m making more of an effort to stop and identify them. To actually speak aloud and say “This is Depression talking.”  Then I can break that thought-cycle, and either redirect it onto something positive, or just distract it with something else.  The goal right now is to just recognize, identify, and break the thought-pattern.  

Which leads me to my second “D” word for this week, because I’m not actually going to leave it on just the word “depressed”.  

I Am Deserving. 

This is one of the things my depression likes to tell me I’m not.  That I don’t deserve good things.  I want to challenge that idea head-on, and say that yes  I do deserve good things.  I deserve good things to happen to me.  I deserve to be happy.  I deserve to be able to feel the way I feel and not judge myself for it, and fuck anyone else who judges me for it.  I deserve to love and be loved.   I deserve to find peace in my home, in my mind, in my body, and in my soul.  And yes, sometimes things are still going to be (are) overwhelming, and I’m going to cry and bitch and vent about them.  But I deserve to do that on my terms, not on depression’s terms. 

Then I came across this blog: Inside Insights. I started reading it and came across her I AM posts. These resonated with me. They were simple yet effective. It wasn’t some deep, flowery phrase. It was short and to the point. I can make it as deep or as shallow as I want or need to. It removes the need for all that time searching and scrolling. I simply go down the alphabet and choose a word with that letter. Yeah, some letters will probably be more difficult. I mean, what the fuck word goes with X? I figure that will be part of the fun with it though. Discovering new words along the way. I’m sure there will be rabbit holes. Rabbit holes can be entertaining. Sometimes disturbing, but entertaining nonetheless.

So, I decided to adopt this method as my weekly affirmation for this year. After I get through the alphabet, I will see how it worked out and then decide if I want to continue on with it or not. All I know is that it feels good to have the first few months of the year more simplified in this regard.

The other aspect I decided to do this time around regarding these affirmations is to blog about them. This will hold me more accountable, and allow me to really do a deep dive into each word and what it really means to me. How I feel it relates to me now. How I would like to relate to it more. Etc. It will also get me writing more consistently in a form other than just my nightly journaling, which will be good for me.

Interact if you want. Don’t if you don’t. This is for me, so I’m not expecting you too. If you get something out of it though- like I did from the blogger I got it from- then awesome. Otherwise, carry on.

Now, I already threw out some good “A” words in those previous paragraphs. “Affirmation” “Accountable” “Awesome”. However, the word I chose for “A” is Accepting.

I AM ACCEPTING.

So, what does that mean- Accepting?

Here’s what the Miriam-Webster Dictionary has to say about it:

accepting

adjective

ac·​cept·​ing (ik-ˈsep-tiŋ)  ak-

1

: able or willing to accept something or someone : inclined to regard something or someone with acceptance rather than with hostility or fear —often + of

I had become more accepting of death as an inevitable and natural part of life …—Nigel Farndalem

2

: tending to regard different types of people and ways of life with tolerance and acceptance

His parents are very accepting people.

You’ve gotta love the dictionary and how they define a word by pretty using the word. It really clears things up sometimes…

Fortunately for me, I don’t need to define what the word “accepting” means. I am just here to explain what it means to me when I say “I Am Accepting.”

I accept the fact that I have made poor choices in my past that have led me to where I am now. I accept that I cannot change those choices and continue forward.

I accept that I cannot afford to purchase the house and property that I want right now. I accept that I may never be able to. I can instead strive to create the sanctuary that I want where I am instead of thinking it is only available in that future place.

I accept that I do not have the same energy or passion for things that others do. I do not need to in order to be a good or successful person.

I accept the body that I have, and can try to love and honor it as it is while continuing to work on making it healthier

I accept that I am getting older and am leaving some of the activities and ideas of youth behind as I enter different chapters.

I accept a solitary life, and have grown to find solace and peace in it.

I accept the fact that I will continue to face obstacles and challenges in life that will cause frustration and pain, but will remember that I have conquered them before and will continue to conquer them going forward.

I accept that my coffee pot broke and I’m having to go old school for awhile until I can get a new one- and my brain is a bit foggy right now…..

Some of those are things I’ve already accomplished. Others are ones I am trying to work towards. There will be more things to acknowledge I’m sure. Those are the things I can think of right now. But that is the idea of choosing the word “Accepting” as my first word of 2023..