~A Bitter Swallow~

   I have noticed that since I actually started using Facebook on a regular, daily basis, my blogging has been flushed right down the toilet.  I put little thoughts on Facebook, so blogging feels a bit redundant.  Everyone who reads this is on my Facebook (at least as far as I know), so you've already heard it!   The stuff that doesn't make it on Facebook, well..  I was taught the whole "If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all.." idea.   So, yeeeaaahhh......   Then I also have the guilt associated with feeling like if I am in a mood for writing, then it should be focused on my story, and not a stupid blog.  

  That said, I'm going to whine for awhile.  It's fair warning, so you can bolt now and save your ears. 

  I've turned into such a cynical person.  I didn't use to be like this.  I use to be a very optimistic, trusting, loving person.  I always saw the good in people, and judged off the good, not what I perceived to be the bad.  I don't know where that was lost, but somewhere along the way it went a different way.  My bread crumbs, maybe... eaten up by the crows.   I want it back.  I was much happier when I wasn't so cynical.  When everything was beautiful and full of hope, instead of grey and lacking.

  I know it's a matter of rewiring my thinking.  I need to stop myself when I feel myself thinking negative thoughts. Redirect them to find the positive in the situation, instead.  The problem is:  I've been trying to do that, but there are some things I just don't see any silver lining in at all.  Some use to have some silver, but silver will tarnish if left too long. 

  I'm also having a hard time with working.  Don't get me wrong, I love my job.  I found a wonderful job with an absolutely fantastic group of people.  I didn't think that kind of job existed out there.  But I have it.  Which makes my not wanting to work make me feel even worse, because I know how lucky I am to have it.  I have always been the type of person who preferred the life of a housewife, though.  I don't like having to be somewhere at a specific time/etc...  I hate when I have to miss the kids' stuff because of work, because I have no more sick time or vacation time.  I hate always being sick, and feeling like it's completely stress related.   Some of my happiest times were when I got to be a stay-at-home mom/housewife... cooking, cleaning, etc.  I know it sounds strange, but I really relish in that.  I hate feeling like I have two (three, four) jobs.  I have to work all day, then come home and clean (and sometimes cook), be a mom (which I adore), do laundry, etc etc etc.  But it stresses me out.  When I have down time, I no longer want to get out and do anything, I just want to sink into myself, emerge myself in something mind-numbing (games, no drugs!) and hibernate... hermitize myself.   Then I feel guilty for being unproductive and lazy.  When I stayed home, I was way more productive, and much less stressed out about it.  I could take a complete day off from housework, etc and just go play, and not feel like a jack-ass.  I was a more happy, relaxed person.

  Of course, the days when I was a housewife, I could afford it.  Well, maybe I should rethink that, too, because my ex-husband made just above minimum-wage, and we were fine.  Maybe it's just a matter of rethinking and reevaluating what I deem to be important and necessary in my life.   Where can I pinch and will it really hurt if I do?

 

 Ok.. enough of that off my mind.  Next time I will talk about something less whiny!  Or I'll at least pass out some cheese and crackers to go with it!

My dog took off yesterday morning. She's normally very good about going into her "kennel", which also happens to double as my laundry (*cough*) room. As well as those two functions, it also houses the door out to my carport. However, yesterday, she decided she didn't want to be there for three hours, so she bolted out the door and into the long grassy meadow (By meadow, I mean my highly unkept, unmown yard out back. The grass there is taller than me.). Damn. I was already running late getting the kids out the door. They needed to get to school, and I needed to get to work to do the cash register business. Needless to say, I had neither the time or inclination to be running after a wayward dog all morning long.

My kids and I braved the jungle for a while. We strode up and down the road calling her. But alas, she was too content with running wild. I, having already been at the end of my nerve quota already, was fed up. Too much frustration, and other obligations to be met, so (dare I admit), I packed the kids into the car and left, content with the hope that having our other dog tied up outside would be enough to lure her home.

I dropped the kids off at school, and drove to work. I caught my boss as she came in, and told her my tale of imminent woe, and asked if I could leave after getting the cash report finished. Since I have the best boss in the world (she doesn't read this, so no, I'm not kissing up), she said "absolutely!" (okay, I don't remember exactly her wording verbatim, but that is close enough). So, I clocked in two hours of vacation time, and drove home to find the escapee dog in question lounging in my carport, tail wagging, looking at me as if there was nothing in the world wrong with this entire operation. I was relieved that she was home, but part of me balked at the fact that I didn't even have to set foot out of my car and call her, in a way at least justifying my impromptu time off and vacation leave wasted. Oh well.


So, crisis averted, I went back to the arduous task of shopping and internet surfing. It was horrible...

Now, I suspect she got into something icky, because she's vomiting. Everywhere. I have a pretty strong tummy when it comes to gross stuff. I can handle most everything. This isn't one of them. I gagged. It wasn't pretty. I began to worry that she had gotten into something bad. She was getting listless, and wasn't eating. She threw up a lot. This morning, however, she started to seem better. She was drinking and seemed to get her appetite back. I tied her up out front today, in the fenced area. I am hoping that she doesn't chew through her leash, and if she does, that she doesn't discover how to jump the fence. I have faith. I have to.

Ok... so there's the dog vomit story. How about on to more pleasant things before I get to go eat?

Today is Tuesday. It is, really. I promise. Consult with your calendar if you don't believe me. If it disagrees, then you don't know how to look at a calendar. Or it's no longer Tuesday, but you can't fault me for that. You are late. How dare you?

Anyway... this particular Tuesday marks the end of Friday and Saturday workdays for me! At least for awhile. How long, who knows? But for the meantime, I have my Friday and Saturdays off! Yay me! A coworker of mine asked if she could work them in exchange for her Tuesdays. Are you kidding me- you have to ask?! LOL. It will be nice to have my weekends free again. Especially since I have been unable to have my kid-free weekends open for "alone" time with Dustin. Now we can do stuff! And not just that stuff (you all are pervs... seriously). Speaking of which, don't let me forget to reschedule my doctor appointment. My boy is graduating 6th grade, and of course, it's scheduled right smack over my appointment. Priorites. Boy first, then doctor!

And speaking of Dustin, his work has him out at Mt. Rainier for six(ish) weeks! At least they are paying hotel, etc... but I don't get to see him during the week (I'm making a pouty, sad face. You can't see it, but I am.). He does get to come home Thursday night, and stay until Sunday night or Monday morning. So at least I get to actually see him now that my weekends are free :)

That's it for now. Carry on.