~A Bitter Swallow~

I just found out from my sister that both her and my brother got something an actual email (via Facebook) from our dad over Christmastime. For those of you who are not familiar with my issues with my father, just know that we've been estranged from him for quite some time. There is a long, complicated story associated with it (it's always long and complicated, isn't it? Why can't it just be short and simple?).

So, I just found out he contacted them, and not me. I've yet to hear from my other sister if she heard from him. We're all on Facebook. We're all "friends" with him. I'm interested to see if she heard anything, since her and I bore the brunt of the "estrangedness". Or just plain "strangeness", if you like.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. I've tried really hard for many years to get over him and move on. I've got myself a nice, sturdy wall built up so that I don't have to care about him not contacting me. I've got plenty of other people in my life that love me. I don't need his love. Right?

Well, sometimes I feel like I'm not that strong. Sometimes I feel leaks and cracks in my fortress, and stuff leaks through. No more rays of sunshine and rainbows. More grey smog and stale water drops. Mouldy, putrid stuff. I don't like it.

But, what is one to do? I've tried to talk to him. I've written, I've called, I've sent birthday cards and Christmas cards, and just for the hell of it cards. Nothing. Nada. Oh, wait... I take that back. I get accused of being a spoiled, dirty rotten child who can't grow up. I'm completely at fault for everything that happened.

Whatever.

My mission is now to strengthen back up those defenses. I weakened them when I "friended" him on Facebook, I think. When he accepted the "friendship", some small glimmer of hope rose up and thought that maybe Facebook would give a neutral medium for us to start a conversation through, and maybe forge some new version of a relationship. I was mistaken. I haven't even gotten a simple hello since sending him the request.

So, I accept it and try and move forward. I lick my wounds, that I feel at this stage are largely self-inflicted. Bite me once, your fault- bite me twice, my fault type thing.

I think the clock is broken. Including the computer clock. They all broke in sync. Stupid clocks.

I'm hungry. I ran out the door yet again with nothing but coffee in my tum-tum. And even that was negligible, as it was rewarmed over from yesterday's pot, and then another cup of instant coffee that I screwed up and put WAY too much coffee in.

So... yeah....

We built some planter boxes that line the front of the house. I say "we", but it was Dustin who built them. We borrowed a truck from some friends, and had it filled with dirt a few times, and there is a truckload sitting at home waiting for me to come back and shovel it into the wheelbarrow, and fill those neat little planters up. I bought some fantastic flowers that are said to attract hummingbirds that I'm going to plant in front of the windows. It is also going to house my dahlias and some iris. We'll see what else I put in there. I'm super excited about it.

On Friday night, we took the kids, along with one of my son's friends, to see Harry Potter & the Half-Blood Prince. I liked it. Of course, I had a hard time remembering the beginning of it (from the book). I remembered it come the end though. They did a good job with it. Of course, the books are entirely better all around. But for visual stimulation it works.

The next evening we went to some pals' house (the ones that lent us the truck), and had pizza and watched FanBoys. That was pretty funny. Probably even better if you are a big Star Wars fan. Maybe not so much if you prefer Star Trek. I like Wars better. But I'm not fanatical like they are. But made for good movie material.

I'm consistently amazed by the people from my past that continue to come out of the ether on FaceBook. It's awesome seeing these people again, and finding out where their life's path took them. Some aren't so hot, others are fantastic. If you use Facebook and are not already connected to me, and want to be... look up Thaydra. If I don't know you firsthand, throw in a little comment so I know what the heck you want and how you know me! (just mention the blog).


I began taking Pilate's classes through my job. The day after the first class I thought I was going to die. Or at least maybe snap in half (or any number of pieces). But now, I'm amazed at how much my body will do and rebound from. After just one class. I don't know if it is related or not, but it's definitely coinkydinky if not. I'm going to have to figure out what I'm going to do once the class is over. I can't just quit, because I have plans for all this weight loss and six-pack abs.

Ok.. I think that's it. I'll try to get some pictures up of the new flower bed in the next day or so.