~A Bitter Swallow~

2011 has been one hell of a year for me.  It was not altogether nice.  Between my son telling me he was hearing voices, my daughter going blind and fainting in the shower- causing a 911 call, my own issues with my kidneys,  some pretty serious fights with my boyfriend, and having to go back on state aid- I've had about more stress than I can handle.  It has affected my health.  It's affected my job.  It's affected my overall general state of mind. 

BUT, fortunately I can say that all but one of those has fixed themselves.  We are still having to use state aid to get by, but my son, my daughter, myself, and my relationship with my boyfriend are all fine and going strong.  I am thankful for that. 

I don't feel like I got very much accomplished this past year.  A lot of wants.  A lot of ideas.  A lot of talk.  No doing.  That is the one thing I hope to change with the new year.  More doing.  Like the Home Depot commercials say.  Yeah-  I want that to be me.

Along with doing, I want to simplify.  This is where I hope having to go on state aid helps.  By giving me a kick in the pants and forcing me to stop and reevaluate my surroundings.  Where can I cut back.  Where can I do-it-myself?  What can I do to make my life simpler, healthier, and more satisfying?  How can I do this in a way that will be self-sufficient?  How will it help the environment around me?  Etc etc etc.

I'm planning on really digging in and get my hands dirty this year.  Literally.  I'm going to make that garden bed out there flourish.  I want to build a compost system so I can make use of all those leftovers that make my stomach squirm every time I throw them in the garbage.  I want to plant fruits and veggies so that I can have fresh, healthy food for my family.  Eventually I'd like to get a chicken coop built so I can have a few chickens, too. 

I plan on cooking more at home. With limited funds with which to spend going out, or on frivolous food, we will be forced to sit down and actually think about what we want to eat. We will be more apt to plan menus and actually shop for and prepare what is on them. By doing so, I hope to eat more health-conscious. I am a bit worried about this part, because I've noticed that it seems the more healthy a food- the more expensive it is. But by preparing our meals at home, and utilizing what I'm able to grow in the garden, I hope to have a better idea and control of what I am actually putting into our bodies.

 I want to work on crafting.  I want to make it more of a priority in my day-to-day life.  I am hoping that tomorrow I will be able to get in and nab that table/desk down at the Goodwill to turn into a sewing station.  I already have a few beginner-type projects in mind that, if they turn out right, will become gifts for a pregnant friend of mine.  (Ssshhh... she doesn't know!).   My daughter has gotten very into crafting lately, so I'm hoping that her drive helps push me along, too.  If I am focusing on helping her achieve her goals, then I will help mine by helping her.  =)  Win-win. 

With this in mind, I sat down and compiled a short list of my goals for 2012.  These are not resolutions.  I always fail at those.  They are just goals I've set, and I hope to have them all finished by this time next year. 

1.  Build that composter system.
2.  Finish writing Bone & Silver.
3.  Blog on each of my websites at least once a week.
4.  Do some sort of craft once a week.  Even if it's working on an ongoing project-  do something!
5.  Visit Mount Saint Helens with the kids.
6.  Visit Mount Rainier with the kids.
7.  Start using my sewing machine.
8.  Make my own soap.
9.  Learn to knit &/or crochet.
10. Cook and eat at home most of the time.
11. Eat less processed food.
12. Grow my garden and eat it!

I was in my room grabbing one of the many hair ties that wind up on my headboard when I go to bed (they were all over there this morning), when I noticed that I have accumulated just about as many books over there as well. Books I've read and finished, and then started the next, only to pile them ontop of each other. There is actually a fine collection of dust covering them now.
This, in turn, reminded me how severely I've been neglecting my thaydra.com website. I use to be pretty regular about posting my book reviews. Now, I'm afraid to even go look at when the last one I posted was, because I'm sure I've read a dozen more that I will have to go back and remember.

Or, I could just start anew, which may be what I do. Starting anew is usually a good thing.

On another note, that is somewhat similar in an entirely different way, I am expecting my son to ask to stay with his dad once the school year starts, too. This thought has given me much stomach upset over the past week or so. It's gotten me rather emotional, I must admit. And it is forcing me to view things from more than just my heart. But it makes me weep, as I did after dropping him off after his doctor appointment yesterday when he said he wanted to go "home" and not to my house. Granted, I know he only wanted to go to his dad's so he could play on the computer, and it had nothing to do with me, myself. He told me as much. But it was the fact that he called that house "home", and mine "your house". Nails in the coffin. Or on the blackboard. It still tore.

I have a need to get out of the house and do something. But everything I attempt to do I find blocked from me. I was going to dig up the front yard and put in a flower bed. However, the ground just isn't giving enough to let up for me. Not to mention, I realized I should probably build it up, instead, to deter the dog from running in it, or using it as his personal bathroom. So I went to the local Lowe's to price materials. It's not horrible, but out of my range at the moment. So, that is put on hold.

There really isn't much to do in my garden that I don't do in the first 15-20 minutes I'm up in the morning while I wait for my coffee. Well, considering how it's going, I'm sure there's tons for me to do, I just don't know what. So, I guess I could browse the Internet for ways to help it, but that is counter-productive to my goal of getting away from this damn thing.

So what am I doing? Sitting here bitching about it on my blog.

By the way, I'm in need of some heavy machinery. Anyone got some? I need to clear out my backyard of all the overgrown grass, brush, and blackberry vines from ground that is lumpy and full of holes. It's scary back there, but would be so nice if I could get it cleared. So much potential! I'd love to throw a little picnic bench out there, and I think there is a perfect hammock area as well. How naive we were when we moved in as to how much actual work this was going to be. The work isn't the issue though, it's being able to get ahold of the stuff we need to get it done. It's way too much to be done by hand.

Ok, I'm going to go figure out something to do besides sit in this chair and stare at my screen. My stuff on Facebook is done, the blogs I follow are read, my email checked, my bills paid. Time to get outside into that sunshine, even if I just sit there and read!

Today was a good day. The sun was high and bright. The sky was a marvelous blue that you just wanted to drink up. Indeed, I could have easily spent my day lounging outside next to the lake, soaking up a good book and the sun's rays.

Instead, I got a bit busy. After a morning workout, Dustin and I went to Lowe's and spent some money. We got a nice, fragrant jasmine bush, some rosemary, some strawberries, and a peppermint plant. Then I went to Walmart and got a Don Juan climbing rose vine.

Once home with my loot, I headed out into the garden in that happy warmth, and gave my bean plant and zucchini plants their new home. Tucked nicely into their dirt beds, I gave them a quick shower, and then dug out the hole for the rose bush. Then off to pick up the kids from school, and a pound of red worms. The worms went into our compost bin, and I'm excited to start getting nutrient-rich worm poo for my garden!

I love days spent out of doors. I didn't get my outdoor lounger, since all I found where the expensive ones. I'm really only looking for a cheapo one. One I can fold up and take with me easily down to the lake. Tomorrow I figure I can get my bathing suit, and hopefully that chair. Then, the next sunnylicious day off I have, I can take my book and my chair down to that wet horseshoe, and catch those rays and that story.

It's another beautiful, bright day outside. And I am, of course, getting ready for work. I did get to take a bit of advantage of it though, while I planted some lillies outside, and saw to my startlings.

It shone nicely through the window on me while I worked out this morning. I chose a random dvd from the library and brought it home. Something from Prevention that is targeted to your abs, butt, and thighs. I made it through the abs and butt segments, and then the thighs were too much for my weak little muscles! The greatest (or saddest) thing about it is the segments are only 10 minutes long! So in 20 minutes (plus the 10 I spent on yoga stretches beforehand) I got a great workout! I'm pleased, and plan to continue this! Yay me!

Now I get to waste some time while I wait to go to work. Tonight the rain clouds are suppose to roll in and wet us all down tomorrow (on my day off, go figure). My plants will be happy for it though, and then hopefully on my days off next week I can get my trellis built for the cucumbers.

So I'm going to go back to signing my heart out along with Anna Nalick, and have a fantastic day! You all do the same!

Today my plans were to get out and finish digging that second garden bed. I started my morning (after getting back from dropping the kids at school) by going and doing my starts. I re-started my zucchini, lettuce, spinach, tomatoes, chives, and more I cannot remember off-hand. Then I took the crib side I found on the side of the road and started to spray paint it a bright, sunny yellow. I am going to use the parts of the crib as trellises for my peas, beans and cucumbers. I got the second bed all dug up. I cleaned up the porch and the carport. The house is vacuumed, and the laundry finished (with the exception of the load that is still drying). All of this accomplished by noon! I'm feeling rather good right now.

The sun is bright and warm. The air smells sweet and fresh. The music is loud and motivating. I ate some pot stickers with sesame oil and a glass of water or two. I am feeling very happy and alive. I cannot wait until every day is this nice outside! It really puts my spirits high.

I realized today that one or both of the dogs decided to eat my raspberry start. Grrr. That is alright though, because I am pretty sure it was already dead anyway. Now I will be more motivated to go get another. My rosemary is not looking very well, and I think where I put it is too shaded. More so than I thought it would be. I'm concerned whether or not it will survive another transplant. They are hardy creatures though, so I'm hopeful. I plan to buy some more to add around it anyway.

Now I need to get ready for my hefty walk. Hefty for me. I plan to walk down to the kids' school to pick them up. We all decided they would like to walk home from school today, since it is so beautiful out. Which means I first have to walk down there. It is about 2 miles, maybe a little more, one way. Too bad there is no sidewalk, else I'd love to take the pups!