~A Bitter Swallow~

Depression sucks.  It's a constant battle of will.  It's fighting to stay strong but feeling oh-so-weak.  My arms are tiring; my feet are slipping..   It's struggling to decipher where the line of reality stops and where misconception begins.   Constantly analyzing Every. Single. Thing.  trying to figure out whether or not you are reading it correctly, or if you've crossed over that line into blowing-shit-out-of-proportion.   That line is so muddled and unclear. It's a chalk line in the dirt, except it's been raining torrential downpours for the past week, and now it's all muddy and mucked up.  You can tell where the relative area is, but as for whether or not you've crossed it is unclear.  Are you in-bounds or out-of-bounds?

I want my brain to shut the fuck up.  I'm sick of analyzing everything.  I'm sick of feeling like I don't matter, and that I'm not worth anyone's time anyway.  I'm just sick, always, literally.  It's maddening.  I've always been a bit of a drifter, and staying put is really not in my nature.  The urge to run is overwhelming.  As always, my kids keep me grounded.  I find myself telling myself that I only need to wait until they are grown and moved out.  But what am I waiting for?  What is it that my brain is thinking I'll be able to do once they are out of the nest?  That thought scares me.  I don't think I want to know the answer at this point. 

I'm trying to be strong.  I am well aware of what I suffer from, and the distortions it puts in my head.  It's so hard, though.  I'm just tired.  I want it to stop, and I'm getting to the point where I don't care how it stops as long as it stops.   I'm waiting for my insurance card to get here.  Then I'll make an appointment with my doctor.  Medicating myself again seems to be the only course of action at this point in time.  I need to get something to make the thoughts stop.  I need to start exercising and focusing on my health again, but I keep telling myself "What the fuck for??".  I need to stop that, too, I know.  I need to push through and just do it anyway.  I'm trying.

I'm tired.