~A Bitter Swallow~

I Am.. Depressed.  

You didn’t see that one coming, did you?  I know it doesn’t sound very “affirmation-y”.   I am, though. Right now. I have actually put off writing this post all day because of it.  I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to deal with discussing it- even (especially) with myself.  I still don’t think I am, but it’s time to tackle it. 

 I’ve battled with depression for a very long time now. Something in my brain isn’t quite wired right-  the chemicals are off or whatever- and it wreaks havoc on my thought patterns. That in turn snowballs down into a plethora of other ailments/symptoms/whathaveyou that I’m not going to go into here.  I have good days. I have bad days.  Sometimes I have really bad days, and sometimes I’ll have a really good day.  What I have come to realize though, is that the best way for me to pull through these bad bouts is to recognize and acknowledge when I’m having these slumps.  In a way- I treat it like you would (should) any other abuser-  look them in the eye, let them know you recognize them for what they are, and even though you may not be able to get away from them right now- you are going to fight them- rather than continue to keep your head down and take the abuse and believe the lies.  

That’s not to say I always win- because I don’t.  There are some days where the best I can do is get out of bed and make my coffee. Maybe bury myself in a book or movie or some video games.  It does help me keep from giving up though, and it helps to continue fighting, and it helps me continue to challenge the terrible things my brain likes to tell me.  So, going off my themes of staying accepting, breathing, and staying calm…  I’m accepting the fact that I’m currently depressed, and that depression is something I battle.  I am breathing through it and remaining (as much as I can) calm. When those thoughts start going through my head, instead of giving in, I’m making more of an effort to stop and identify them. To actually speak aloud and say “This is Depression talking.”  Then I can break that thought-cycle, and either redirect it onto something positive, or just distract it with something else.  The goal right now is to just recognize, identify, and break the thought-pattern.  

Which leads me to my second “D” word for this week, because I’m not actually going to leave it on just the word “depressed”.  

I Am Deserving. 

This is one of the things my depression likes to tell me I’m not.  That I don’t deserve good things.  I want to challenge that idea head-on, and say that yes  I do deserve good things.  I deserve good things to happen to me.  I deserve to be happy.  I deserve to be able to feel the way I feel and not judge myself for it, and fuck anyone else who judges me for it.  I deserve to love and be loved.   I deserve to find peace in my home, in my mind, in my body, and in my soul.  And yes, sometimes things are still going to be (are) overwhelming, and I’m going to cry and bitch and vent about them.  But I deserve to do that on my terms, not on depression’s terms. 

I AM Calm.

There were a few words that went back and forth in my mind to choose for this week.  Creative.  Curious. (Crazy?).  I decided to be maybe a little cliche and go with the word Calm, though. 

I don’t know if I mentioned this previously (and have not consumed enough caffeine to be motivated enough to go back and look) but part of this whole weekly affirmation process for myself is to pull a tarot card to accompany my week.  It’s purpose is to give me some clarity on where my focus for the week should be- what should I be aware of? This week’s card (the five of wands) spoke about my scatter-brainedness, and that I need to find ways to bring calm and focus to my mind.  So, I quite literally decided to pull the word straight from there and tie it directly together.  It seemed appropriate, because it’s correct.  Hell, yesterday proved that… 

I Am Calm.  What does that mean?  I suppose it’s pretty straight forward in a sense.  It also ties right in with last week’s affirmation about breathing.  I’m starting to detect a pattern here.  I’ll take note of that.  Just like with last week’s breathing, remaining calm helps to see things more clearly.  More rationally.  It helps to keep one from making rash decisions.  I have a tendency to make those, and it's typically not the best. 

It also just allows one to relax. Go with the flow.  I believe staying calm also allows one to be more open-minded, more perceptive to other points of view. I value that so I want to do what I can to encourage my ability to continue growth in that area. 

Remaining calm also means being able to face things head on, because I won’t be facing them from a place of anger or panic. Or at least not allowing those feelings to have control.

I Am Calm. I can take what Life throws at me and stay in a place of rationality. I can look at it with an open mind and see all sides.  I can face it and make a decision with a clear mind. I can go with the flow of life, but when decisions need to be made I can keep negative emotions in check and make those decisions from a place of focus.  I am calm.

I AM BREATHING.

I chose this word because it's something I do quite literally - but also with intention when I need to. When things start to get too stressful, stopping to take just one breath can oftentimes be sufficient enough of a pause to calm down at least enough to regain control of myself.

Not only does my breath help me to calm down during stressful situations, it also helps me connect to the world around me and everything in it. It helps carry my energy out into the world and I breathe in the energies that are around me. I can imagine those energies flowing in and out of me, carried on my breath. I can blow my intentions out into the wind to be carried along and dispersed to work their magic.

I can sit here and breathe, and feel that my body is alive. That I am here, and present.

One thing I would like to start doing is meditating. Not the intense, crazy cross-legged humming to myself for hours with a blank mind meditation.. because frankly I just don't see that ever being a state of mind I could achieve. If that is your thing- more power to you. You have way more self-control than I do. Also- way more flexibility.

I just want to be able to gain a little control. A little stillness. A little more intentional breathing. I'm not sure what that will look like yet- but when I think about being in a state of meditation it always makes me think of my breathing. So, I imagine that is where mine would at least start. After reading what I wrote above, I suppose I already kind of do. Perhaps I need to lean into those more.

So yes... I am breathing. Both literally and (in ways) metaphorically. I need to remember to continue to do that. When life hits me with whatever it's going to throw at me. Remember to just breathe.

Then I came across this blog: Inside Insights. I started reading it and came across her I AM posts. These resonated with me. They were simple yet effective. It wasn’t some deep, flowery phrase. It was short and to the point. I can make it as deep or as shallow as I want or need to. It removes the need for all that time searching and scrolling. I simply go down the alphabet and choose a word with that letter. Yeah, some letters will probably be more difficult. I mean, what the fuck word goes with X? I figure that will be part of the fun with it though. Discovering new words along the way. I’m sure there will be rabbit holes. Rabbit holes can be entertaining. Sometimes disturbing, but entertaining nonetheless.

So, I decided to adopt this method as my weekly affirmation for this year. After I get through the alphabet, I will see how it worked out and then decide if I want to continue on with it or not. All I know is that it feels good to have the first few months of the year more simplified in this regard.

The other aspect I decided to do this time around regarding these affirmations is to blog about them. This will hold me more accountable, and allow me to really do a deep dive into each word and what it really means to me. How I feel it relates to me now. How I would like to relate to it more. Etc. It will also get me writing more consistently in a form other than just my nightly journaling, which will be good for me.

Interact if you want. Don’t if you don’t. This is for me, so I’m not expecting you too. If you get something out of it though- like I did from the blogger I got it from- then awesome. Otherwise, carry on.

Now, I already threw out some good “A” words in those previous paragraphs. “Affirmation” “Accountable” “Awesome”. However, the word I chose for “A” is Accepting.

I AM ACCEPTING.

So, what does that mean- Accepting?

Here’s what the Miriam-Webster Dictionary has to say about it:

accepting

adjective

ac·​cept·​ing (ik-ˈsep-tiŋ)  ak-

1

: able or willing to accept something or someone : inclined to regard something or someone with acceptance rather than with hostility or fear —often + of

I had become more accepting of death as an inevitable and natural part of life …—Nigel Farndalem

2

: tending to regard different types of people and ways of life with tolerance and acceptance

His parents are very accepting people.

You’ve gotta love the dictionary and how they define a word by pretty using the word. It really clears things up sometimes…

Fortunately for me, I don’t need to define what the word “accepting” means. I am just here to explain what it means to me when I say “I Am Accepting.”

I accept the fact that I have made poor choices in my past that have led me to where I am now. I accept that I cannot change those choices and continue forward.

I accept that I cannot afford to purchase the house and property that I want right now. I accept that I may never be able to. I can instead strive to create the sanctuary that I want where I am instead of thinking it is only available in that future place.

I accept that I do not have the same energy or passion for things that others do. I do not need to in order to be a good or successful person.

I accept the body that I have, and can try to love and honor it as it is while continuing to work on making it healthier

I accept that I am getting older and am leaving some of the activities and ideas of youth behind as I enter different chapters.

I accept a solitary life, and have grown to find solace and peace in it.

I accept the fact that I will continue to face obstacles and challenges in life that will cause frustration and pain, but will remember that I have conquered them before and will continue to conquer them going forward.

I accept that my coffee pot broke and I’m having to go old school for awhile until I can get a new one- and my brain is a bit foggy right now…..

Some of those are things I’ve already accomplished. Others are ones I am trying to work towards. There will be more things to acknowledge I’m sure. Those are the things I can think of right now. But that is the idea of choosing the word “Accepting” as my first word of 2023..

2022 closed out on an unexpected but pleasant note. Our power went out at around 9:00am due to a vehicle accident that took down a power pole. I spent the daylight hours going through my kitchen cupboards; removing items no longer wanted, discarding expired items, and then reorganizing and rearranging everything. There is still a little bit left to do in that area, but I'm waiting on some items to arrive to make sure it will all fit how I want it to. The rest of the daylight hours I spent with my blanket and my book until I realized that food was probably something that should happen. After taking my daughter to get something to eat, browsing the store to waste time, and running into some friends I dropped her off at her boyfriend's house. I came home to a dark house with the power still very much out. So, I lit a shit-ton of candles, opened a bottle of wine, grabbed a glass and my book, and settled in on the couch under my blanket for a couple of hours. Eventually I got up and grabbed my tarot cards to do a new year's reading, which was direct but positive. The power came back on around 9:00/9:30pm, but I didn't bother going and turning the lights back on. I was quite content with where I was. After the tarot reading I returned to my book. It was a pleasantly quiet, calm way to say goodbye to 2022 and enter 2023.

It was also a brilliant entrance into the theme I chose to focus on for this year, which is hygge. For those of you who are unfamiliar:

It's a feeling that pulls at me, so I want to embrace it. I want to strive for it. So, it's what I'm going to have be my over-arching theme be.

This is also the time when we're all supposed to be making all of our grand New Year Resolutions, right? All of the good-for-us things that we are going to do this year that will change us for the better. Mmm-hmm

We all know that new year resolutions are just glorified to-do lists for like the first two weeks of January. Then they just become these big gapping black holes that cause us shame and self-loathing for the rest of the year, and then on the 1st of the next year we go "This is the year it happens! This is going to be my year!" Don't do that. Shit like 2020 happens when you do that. I mean, you don't have to think I'm talking from personal experience buuuuttt…

Over the past few years I've moved away from resolutions and more towards just trying to set more realistic goals. So instead of the big brother who you have the high expectations for (resolutions), it's the younger sibling who you still expect to do well, but you've learned a little bit from your previous experience in parenting (goals). You know- instead of boiling the binky because it touched the floor you just mopped for half a second, you stick it in your mouth and then plop it back in theirs.

Yeah, that hasn't been working all that great for me either. I kind of suck at this. LOL The scary part is- I have raised two kids to adulthood.

I'm pretty sure I've discussed this before, but I've come to realize that setting goals (or resolutions) for myself is basically like telling myself "You Have To". So I promptly turn around and do exactly NOT that. I don't know what my problem is. I have issues with authority. I don't know what to tell ya.

Then I came across this nugget yesterday while scrolling through Facebook, and bells and whistles started ringing through my head. Okay, some of that may have been from my meds being adjusted, and the fact that I hadn't eaten all day- but we aren't here to discuss that today. 

Look- I don't have to DO anything. I just have to BE. And quite frankly, all of the doing has just been exhausting. I like the idea of a year where I can just take the time off from all of that trying to do, and simply just be. It's no longer the older sibling or the younger sibling. It's pretty much just a bunch of free range chickens out doing their own thing and living their best life. Sounds pretty damn nice to me. It also sounds like it fits right nicely into my whole hygge theme.

So there you have it.  My plan for 2023:  Hygge and free range chickens.