~A Bitter Swallow~

Last night after work, I went to pick up my kids from their dad's house. I had worn my heeled boots, and had had a very busy day and my feet were absolutely killing me. We were standing out on the front porch chatting while waiting for my son. My daughter kept leaning against me, and I would fall over a bit. She looked at me and told me "Mommy, you need to learn some kind of balance."

That statement kinda stuck with me. Not in the physical sense. I knew my lack of balance was due to the fact that my feet were so sore and I was tired. But in a mental sense. I have not felt balanced for a very long time. I feel like I'm off tilt... Like a globe that has been spun, but fallen off the holder, so it's warbled and distorted. My lack of balance within myself announces itself in a variety of mental and physical attributes. I have been sick allot lately. More-so than what is usual. I have consistent headaches, stomachaches, body aches. I have a hard time concentrating or remembering things. Noises of a certain caliber set all of my nerves on fire when they never bothered me before.

I've been feeling off kilter with myself. Nothing seems to fit right. I feel an awesome loss in development of pieces of myself that need to be fixed. I have a strong desire to re-embrace my spirituality- at least on a basic scale. I have the need to get outside and put my hands in the ground and dig in the dirt. Problem is- I really have no yard, and while I can do potted plants, I have a rather shadowy area to put them. I have started working around that though. I have a need to completely clean everything out. A big Spring cleaning bug. I need to completely declutter my house. Problem with that is I have no where to put anything. I suppose I should just pull everything out and sort through it. Really evaluate my reasons for keeping it and see if I should just let it go. And then if I decide to keep it, find a place for it. It's to the point where I want to just pull everything out of my house, and then slowly put it back in. If the weather was cooperating and my neighbors didn't exist, then I'd be tempted to do just that (well, and if there wasn't 2-3 flights of stairs to contend with).

The weather has been bogging me down lately too. I'm am very much a warm-weather kind of girl. I cannot bear the cold, and it is always so cold here. Spring just does not want to wake up and the Sun doesn't seem to want to give this area much attention. I feel like a forgotten child.. lol. I'm cold, and just want to curl up and wait for the weather to turn warm again. I see the blossoms on the trees, and want to go play, but can't stand the chill. And I know the Summer won't last very long once it gets here either. It's depressing. I really wish I could just pack up and move, but I can't.

Oh well... guess that is as good as I can explain my off-balanceness. That, and now I get to go get ready for work on the only day this week when it is suppose to actually be nice. Go figure.