~A Bitter Swallow~

You've all heard me moan and complain about my weight. Today, I stepped on the scale and groaned inwardly (okay.. maybe a bit (lot) outwardly as well) at the number it finally stopped at. I berated myself and felt like crap, until I realized (by a handy post-it I put on my desktop to keep myself motivated- it was my largest weight as yet) that I've lost 15 pounds in the last month or so. That, was enough to completely turn those grunts of protests into squeals of glee.

One day, a month or so ago, I stepped on the scale (after avoiding it for awhile), only to discover that I was at the largest weight I've ever been. Including while I was pregnant. Let me tell you, I just about lost it. I cried in the shower for a good, long time. Then, I resolved that this was not going to continue. I determined that I was not going to cross that next threshold in numbers. I went to my laptop, and used the little "sticky note" application to post a big note with my current weight on it on there, so I would see it every time I use my laptop.

I began to really pay attention to what I was eating. I started to pay attention to my body when I ate; to recognize when I was full. I stopped looking at food as a "treat". I stopped the pattern of thinking that if I had it on my plate, I had to finish it, especially when it came to junk food and sweets. I do kind of keep that mindset with my veggies, though. I try to make sure that I eat all of the veggies on my plate first, and then go on to what's left. And I've been making myself aware of the calorie content of what I am eating, as well as fat, etc... One night, I remember being anxious for a Snickers bar, until I turned it over and read how many calories are in that one little bar. My craving instantly vanished, and I wound up giving the candy to someone else.

I am trying to keep myself more active. I park far away from the stores. I use stairs over elevators or escalators. I get outside and play in the yard, or walk on my treadmill. That treadmill is probably the best investment I've ever made. I plan to do more hiking, discover new trails. I've signed up for meetups with other like-minded people, so maybe I can get myself a group of people interested in keeping each other accountable and motivated. I want to get more active in getting my son many of his Boy Scout badges, and many of those are physical activity. I'm anxious for the Summer and the nicer weather to get here, so I can get outside more.

I plan to do a cleanse in the next couple weeks. I need to do a little more research, but my body has definitely been asking me for it. I'm curious as to how many of my ailments will go away with the fat. How much my headaches will decrease, the nausea, the feeling of "unwellness".

It was nice to be able to take that new number on the scale, and instead of cry over it, rejoice over it. To use it to keep me motivated. To know that the changes to myself and my lifestyle are working, and the proof is there. To lift my spirits, instead of dwell on negative.