~A Bitter Swallow~

   I have noticed that since I actually started using Facebook on a regular, daily basis, my blogging has been flushed right down the toilet.  I put little thoughts on Facebook, so blogging feels a bit redundant.  Everyone who reads this is on my Facebook (at least as far as I know), so you've already heard it!   The stuff that doesn't make it on Facebook, well..  I was taught the whole "If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all.." idea.   So, yeeeaaahhh......   Then I also have the guilt associated with feeling like if I am in a mood for writing, then it should be focused on my story, and not a stupid blog.  

  That said, I'm going to whine for awhile.  It's fair warning, so you can bolt now and save your ears. 

  I've turned into such a cynical person.  I didn't use to be like this.  I use to be a very optimistic, trusting, loving person.  I always saw the good in people, and judged off the good, not what I perceived to be the bad.  I don't know where that was lost, but somewhere along the way it went a different way.  My bread crumbs, maybe... eaten up by the crows.   I want it back.  I was much happier when I wasn't so cynical.  When everything was beautiful and full of hope, instead of grey and lacking.

  I know it's a matter of rewiring my thinking.  I need to stop myself when I feel myself thinking negative thoughts. Redirect them to find the positive in the situation, instead.  The problem is:  I've been trying to do that, but there are some things I just don't see any silver lining in at all.  Some use to have some silver, but silver will tarnish if left too long. 

  I'm also having a hard time with working.  Don't get me wrong, I love my job.  I found a wonderful job with an absolutely fantastic group of people.  I didn't think that kind of job existed out there.  But I have it.  Which makes my not wanting to work make me feel even worse, because I know how lucky I am to have it.  I have always been the type of person who preferred the life of a housewife, though.  I don't like having to be somewhere at a specific time/etc...  I hate when I have to miss the kids' stuff because of work, because I have no more sick time or vacation time.  I hate always being sick, and feeling like it's completely stress related.   Some of my happiest times were when I got to be a stay-at-home mom/housewife... cooking, cleaning, etc.  I know it sounds strange, but I really relish in that.  I hate feeling like I have two (three, four) jobs.  I have to work all day, then come home and clean (and sometimes cook), be a mom (which I adore), do laundry, etc etc etc.  But it stresses me out.  When I have down time, I no longer want to get out and do anything, I just want to sink into myself, emerge myself in something mind-numbing (games, no drugs!) and hibernate... hermitize myself.   Then I feel guilty for being unproductive and lazy.  When I stayed home, I was way more productive, and much less stressed out about it.  I could take a complete day off from housework, etc and just go play, and not feel like a jack-ass.  I was a more happy, relaxed person.

  Of course, the days when I was a housewife, I could afford it.  Well, maybe I should rethink that, too, because my ex-husband made just above minimum-wage, and we were fine.  Maybe it's just a matter of rethinking and reevaluating what I deem to be important and necessary in my life.   Where can I pinch and will it really hurt if I do?

 

 Ok.. enough of that off my mind.  Next time I will talk about something less whiny!  Or I'll at least pass out some cheese and crackers to go with it!