~A Bitter Swallow~

  I'm trying to let things go.  I'm trying to not let things get to me, and just go with the flow.  It's hard, though.  It's hard to ignore my brain, and the way it's been my entire life.  It's hard to try and tell myself "It doesn't matter", when to me, it most certainly does.   Things affect me different then they seem to affect most people.  People don't see things with the same kind of eyes I do.  Their brain doesn't process it the same way mine does.  I am very much aware of this, and I try and be normal, like everyone else.  I smile and say "it's okay" when inside I'm seething.   I've tried to rewire my thinking.  I've tried to become all "zen" like everyone says I need to be-  I should be.   But it's not working.  I've been trying for years to be "okay" with things that normal, every-day people are not just "okay" with, but don't even bat an eye at.  It's so hard.  It's so hard to sit here and not say anything.  To just "work through it" so that everything can be kosher.  I bite my tongue, and try to just breathe.  

  I've tried to talk about how things affect me to other people, and I've gotten blank stares, or even worse, the "You are totally over-reacting" stares.  Or even words.. lol.     I get the "you're overreacting" quite a bit.  So, I try and tell myself this, so that I can be okay with things.  I try to make myself believe it.   But it doesn't seem to work that way.  People don't understand the way my mind works, and I can't make them understand how things that seem simple to them, or normal, or 'just how humans are' to them are torturous to me.   "Men will be men"  "It's just human nature" etc... these flippant sayings bear no meaning to me.   I cannot wrap my brain around them, so I cannot understand or accept them.  

  I'm trying to change.  I'm trying to be "normal".  I'm trying to be okay with things. I'm tying to "let go".   Just know that I'm trying.