~A Bitter Swallow~

  I'm having a very hard time dealing with the depression this time around.  I'm sure I've already mentioned that to death, but it is just getting worse and worse.  My "Daily Challenge" this morning was to list 5 positive traits about myself.  I seriously couldn't even think of one.  I don't know one good quality about myself.  I seem to fail at everything I try to do.  I have no motivation, no purpose, no willpower, no courage, no self-esteem, nothing.  I have become bitter, fat, and emotionally removed.    

  I am a horrible girlfriend.  There are issues about myself that I just can't seem to push past no matter how much I try.  I try to be who I think I'm suppose to be, but I just can't force myself to do things that make me feel so much worse about myself.  I know it's not normal.  I know it's not healthy.  But it's there and I can't seem to fix it.

  I try to dig myself out.  I try to tell myself "You deserve to be happy."  But I don't believe it. I try to smile, to make myself keep a "sunny disposition", but it feel so fake on my face.  It must look more like a sneer than a smile.  I don't believe I deserve to be happy.  I don't know why, but I don't.  Whenever I genuinely smile, that little voice in my head is right there questioning what I think I'm doing.  What have I done to deserve that little moment of joy?   And then there it goes- vanishing just as quickly as it came.  Faster, actually.

I don't necessarily have the best "past", but I don't have anything that I feel should have led to the level of self-loathing that I have come to.  I don't see anything that I feel responsible for the attitudes and thought-processes I have towards certain things.  I don't find anything that is substantial enough to justify the way I am.  I just am. 

And everyday I seem to come across more and more that prove just how unworthy and unwanted I am.  I am tolerated.  I am convenient.  I am "okay for now".    It's really hard for me to try and work on justifying my desire for happiness and normalcy when I keep being shown that I'm not.