~A Bitter Swallow~

 I'm feeling.... afloat.  I don't really know how else to describe it.  In one sense I feel better about things, but I don't feel like I'm "moving on" on "getting better".  I just feel- stuck.  I never did get professional help.  I know, I know... I really should.   It's just such a hard and weird thing to do.  It's an uncomfortable feeling.  What would I say?   " Hi, my name is Thaydra and I'm a freaking mess."   Yes, that's exactly where I could start, I know.  It's still weird and icky feeling.   Not to mention it just sounds like a lot of stress and work to get to the point of actually getting the thing set up, and stress is something I'm trying to lessen right now.

Not to mention I'm pretty much sick and tired of doctor's visits right now.   Obviously they can't fix this broken.  lol

I'm not even sure why I'm at my blog writing, but I felt like there was something in me that needed to be let out.  I just don't know what. Not yet.  I figure it will work its way out eventually... a rotten splinter festering beneath the skin.

I'm in a rut.  I've been in the same place for too long.  Way too long.  It's making me antsy.  It has been for awhile now.  The pull to cut ties and just go has been tugging at me for quite some time now.  How easy it would be to just go start over somewhere else; somewhere where no one knows me.  Where I can just find some shadows to fade into and hide for awhile..  I'm grounded, though.  At least for the next three years, if not a bit longer.  The gypsy blood will have to stay tame for just a little while longer yet.



I feel like I have left too many words unspoken.  I still don't have closure.  I cannot turn my back and tread the paths before me to new unopened doors when there is still unfinished business left behind.  Have you ever had regrets that were so large, and so ungodly inane?  That's the worst part, I think..   how stupid they are.  How gut-reaction and thoughtless...  pure instinctual and fight-or-flight.  Irrevocable.   Snowballing into these out-of-control mind-fucks.   It gets to a point where you're not even sure what is reality anymore.  None of it is.  All of it is.  There's this detachment from it all-  everything becomes dreamlike, and I'm not even entirely sure if I'm even awake.  I'm waiting to wake up and have everything go back to the way it was before I was a colossal idiot.

That might wind up taking me back further than I really want to go, now  that I think about it.

I need to sit down and figure shit out.  Like my finances.  It's so overwhelming though.  I see summer coming to its close and the colder months fast approaching and the panic that rises in me at these thoughts make it so I seriously cannot even function.  Serious hyperventilation.  I don't know what I"m going to do.  I mean, I am sure I'll figure something out.  I always do.  It's just an incredibly stressful process.