I've been having this issue lately where my brain likes to wake me up with horrible thoughts and images. Mainly it's waking up with my brain telling me horrible things about myself, or reminding me of things that I don't want to remember, or filling in the blanks on things that I really didn't need to know at that exact moment in time. I'm not talking about that sliding slowly up out of sleep, either; I'm talking being almost violently startled awake by my brain practically screaming at me in a multitude of voices. It's like a crowd of people come into my room, shove me awake, and just start yelling all at once. Keep in mind that I wake up frequently throughout the night, and this also includes any naps I may take in my day. This happens pretty much every time I wake. It's made waking up pretty much my least favorite activity, and it already wasn't a favorite to begin with.
This morning was no different. I woke up thinking about someone I would rather not think of. I had not been dreaming of him or anything (at least not that I can remember). To be honest I'm not sure what my dream had been, but I did not wake up upset. I only remember my thoughts immediately drifting over to him, as if whatever my dream had been reminded me of him. Whatever the case, this morning's thought was (as I had said) of someone I didn't want to think about, at least not right off the bat, and of course my mind always throws in all of the stupid shit that goes along with it. However, on the heels of this came a realization, and this realization is what I really didn't need at 7:00am on a Sunday morning just as I'm dredging myself up from the throes of sleep. My hope is that it will act more as a catalyst to healing though, and that it's appearance will not be for nothing.
My realization came while I was irritated that, almost a year later, not a single day goes by that I don't think of him in some way or another. Then it dawned on me that the reason is because when I was with him, it was the last time that I felt truly happy. It was the last time I would wake up excited to get out of bed, to embrace my days, etc., etc., fluff, glitter, rainbows, etc.. The more I thought about it, though, the more I remembered that wasn't really true. That was how I wanted it to be. I would wake up hoping it would be like that. but the more I thought about it, the more I remembered the actuality of those days. I remembered that there was a reason I ended it. I came to the realization that while I think of myself being so happy during these days, it was only specific days that I felt that happiness. Most of the days were not like that. What I feel as love for him, is more a love for someone and something that I imagined in my mind. He started it, and gave me someone to focus it on, but couldn't be the person to actually provide it. So I made up the rest in my head. I made up a pretty story, and sometimes it would happen, so I would latch on to those pretty moments, but the majority of it was not. The remaining part wasn't bad, it just wan't there. However, being with him and feeling what I did and what I still do in that short amount of time that we were together made me realize that I am actually capable of feeling that. It made me realize the actual depths that those feelings are able to go. Those are feelings that I had long believed myself impossible of feeling, and to have myself breach such depths in such a short amount of time- it makes my knees weak to think of what I would be capable of if it was left to continue and develop further. To think that someday I may find someone who feels that same way about me? It's incomprehensible to me.
I think that's why it's been so hard for me to let go, or get over it, or whatever you want to call it. I have tried. I've tried so hard, and I've been so good about doing it in a way that is controlled and not self-destructive. I've even continued to go on dates and meet other people. It's just that I haven't met a single person that I connected with in even remotely the same way. How do you get away from someone who found a way to take up residence in your head? When you've written this beautiful story, but it's all stored in your mind? It's not even like this whole thing is detrimental to me. It's just ... so fucking frustrating! (Please don't tell me to write it out- I've too much I already need to write out! Of course, maybe that's exactly what I need to do, because gods know I need something to get my ass writing again! )
I've actually made some huge headway in my own self-development and realizations about myself that I am proud of. I'm taking things in stride. I'm taking this in stride (I have coffee now, so the whole 7:00am wake up call is a little easier to not throw everything at the walls and flip the bed). It's one more thing to turn over, analyze, take apart and put back together again.
I do feel myself slipping, though. Not so much into a bad place , at least not so far as I can tell. I may need to stop accepting so many social obligations for a bit though- allow myself a bit of hibernation for a time. I don't mean a total seclusion, just a slight pulling back. It can be time to spend in the garden- cultivating, planting, tending, weeding, pruning, and growing.....
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