~A Bitter Swallow~

   I haven't had the best of luck when it comes to men in my life.   This is no secret.  I know I'm not the easiest person to handle.  I have a tendency to push people away- to build walls out of my fears and anxieties and let past wounds bleed the grout that keeps them tall and strong, keeping other people and feelings at bay.   Because of this, I know that with time, people just don't want to deal with it anymore-  that I am no longer worth the trouble.  I can deal with that.  It's understandable and I can accept that. 

What I've been finding myself running into more recently though (the past year or two), are people who just completely vanish with no warning.  I'm not talking about the relationships that just kind of dwindle away, but instead come to an unexpected, abrupt end.  I'm talking those people you meet who when you see their name come up, you instantly smile, you are instantly comfortable with, the conversations that seem to just flow-  tons in common, able to talk about anything and it feels natural not forced, consistently easy-  and then all of a sudden they are gone.  It's been to the point where I am seriously concerned that something dire has happened, but no... all signs (social media, etc..) point to them just cutting off communications with me.  This has happened not only with people who I have only been talking with for a short time (week or so), up to people I have been corresponding with for quite some time (years).   Some I have met in person and some not.  Some I had come to consider actual friends.  Then, with no warning,,,poof... gone.  No warning, no explanation, nothing.  One day we are chatting like everything is swell, and (literally) the next day they are gone.  It's so sudden and jarring and I'm not really sure it's actually happening until a few days, a week, etc.. have passed and my attempts to make contact continue to go unanswered, and then I'm ready to admit that I've once again been stranded with no reason (at least none provided). 

I am not too proud to realize that there is one blaringly common denominator in all of these situations, and that is me.   I've tried going back over all of the previous conversations to see if perhaps I said something that might have been taken wrong, or something... but there is nothing I can see that could have provoked such drastic measures.   I'm still floundering, trying to figure out what has happened in each case.     I'm left with my imagination, the sting of a lost friendship (and in some cases what I thought/ hoped may come to more), and another brick in my wall of "trust gone awry".  A thing I've been trying desperately to break down.  I'm still doing my best to not hide behind it, to trust people and know that somehow, they have their reasons for what has been done, even if I do not know the truth of it.  To trust that someday, someone will stick around.   It's a bitter pill to swallow, though, and man, that sucker is big.  



I'd just like to know why.   That's all I want.  What happened?  Why does it keep happening?  What is it that causes them to just disappear like that- so sudden?  It would be one thing if it was a gradual thing.  I understand that things die off.   It's the suddenness of it that is getting to me.  Something that I think is going just fine is just cut off.  It's more than just a Band-Aid being ripped off- you at least know the Band-Aid is there and is about to be torn off.  You know a pain is coming.  This is like being blindsided by a bus when you are on some backwoods country road and didn't see another vehicle coming for miles.    Is there something I am doing wrong?  Is there something about me that is all of sudden coming out and is repulsive to people- so much so that they can't even confront me about it?  I mean, seriously... what the actual fuck?   It's flabbergasting.  If it was just one or two guys it wouldn't bother me so much, but when you start having to use both hands to count them, shit is getting ridiculous.

Oh well.  As confusing, frustrating, and sad as it is... all I can do  is just continue to move on.  I'm not going to fight for someone who doesn't want me in their life; especially someone who doesn't even have the decency to at least say good-bye.  After my repeated attempts at communication go ignored and I take finally realize and take the hint-  I'm done.   I'm not going to sit here and berate myself, nit-picking to find every flaw and negative thing about me any longer than I already have.  I've worked hard to move away from the self-depreciation and into self-acceptance.  I'm not going to say I'm "happy" with myself, because anyone who knows me or has followed me long enough knows about my depression issues, but I am also not going to change for anyone either.  I've gotten to a point where I am content enough.  If I  decide I need to change something about myself (like trying to be nicer and happier, dammit, along with the whole 'be healthier' kick I've been on), it's going to be for me, not someone else.  If someone feels like I'm worth sticking around for through that, then awesome.  Otherwise, I have enough negativity without them.  I'm more interested in surrounding myself with positive energies at this junction in my life.  While I'd like to know the answers to my questions, I also realize I just may never know, and I suppose I'm okay with that.  Here they can sit, purged from my brain (which is the whole intent of this blog), and now I can move on to something more productive this weekend... like Orphan Black,  various movies, perusing and attempting recipes from this awesome little book:  The Geeky Chef Cookbook, walking in the damn parade,  and pendant making. among other things...  ;)