~A Bitter Swallow~

  I feel like I'm balancing precariously on the edge of a precipice.  I'm hovering over this great big void.  I don't know what I'm trying to accomplish.  I don't know what I'm trying to reach towards, nor do I know what I'm trying to avoid falling into or what I'm desperately climbing away from anymore. Should I even be running?  I'm stuck in this limbo, poised on the blade waiting to see which side claims me.. where my balance will falter to.  Where will I lean? 

I'm alienating myself from everyone.  At least that's how it feels as of late.  Consciously or subconsciously I'm doing things that cause them to pull away, or I pull away until they no longer make the attempt.  I'm retreating back into my isolated cave, where the walls stifle the noise and I can rest in the still silence.  The chaos is dimmed, and I no longer have to try and decipher masks, be it theirs or my own. 

There are crevices in here though, and I'm stuck on one now-hovering. 

Thoughts drift in and back out of my mind.  Questions as to why I do the things I do.
Why do I talk to the people I talk to?  Why do I want to talk to the people I want to talk to? Why do I avoid others?  What do I want to achieve with myself?  What am I fighting for?  What is it that I really want?  How do I obtain it? What makes me truly happy?  Why aren't I doing that? What can I do to obtain that? Why do I bother?  Is it even possible?  Is it worth it?  Is anything worth it?     What would happen if I just let myself plummet?  If I just took the dive?  Is it suicide?  Is it release?  Is it acceptance?  Is it allowing myself to finally realize my potential?  What awaits me at the other side?

So many questions.  So many thoughts.  Sometimes it's a quiet contemplation. Sometimes it's a manic quest for answers that leaves me a wretched sobbing mess balled on the ground.  Always it ends with me standing there, balanced on my precipice, looking over the edge, squinting above me, searching for an indication as to which way to go.  I have a feeling the next move I make will be important.  Or it may be utterly inconsequential.   Until then...  I hover, and I contemplate.