**UPDATE 12/20/2011**
I just got back from the specialist's office. As of right now, it's still a whole bunch of "I don't know". At this point, it is going to stay at that. There was nothing on the ultrasound that meant anything. Also, my numbers have not gotten worse as far as the funtionality of my kidneys. So, there is really nothing they can do at this point outside of going totally HOUSE MD on me and testing me for all kinds of wild guess things that will probably turn out to be nothing. He said that it could be that something was going on that has since fixed itself. So, I am to just go ahead and live a normal life and not worry about it. Well, worry about it enough to keep going and getting my blood drawn every year to check it and make sure it hasn't decided to decline some more. Other than that.. keep hydrated, eat healthy, and continue to get some exercise in as often as possible. So that is what I am going to do. I plan on going and finding a new doctor with the new year, so when I do that I will talk with her/him about their thoughts on the topic. The specialist did say I might have to go on high blood pressure medications sooner than they would normally decide to medicate someone. So there is that to think of, too. But, he says I seem to be fine, and as long as we don't see any further decline in function, I'll be able to just live like normal. So yay, I guess!
.
.
**UPDATE** 12/13/2011
I had my ultrasound today. They went in and looked around at my bladder, my kidneys, and the veins/arteries surrounding them. I have another appointment next Tuesday (the 20th) to go over the results (if any) of those pictures. I am torn between what I want. I'm afraid of them finding something, but I'm afraid of them NOT finding anything. The thought of something in there is scary, but at the same time, the thought of there not being anything there means we STILL don't know what is going on, and there will be more searching to figure it out. No fixing. So, I think I am hoping that they found something- but something easy to deal with. Wham, bam, kidneys are working again Ma'am. =) I will let you know what I find out next week!
.
.
ORIGINAL POST: Nov. 2011
For those of you who don't know- I was diagnosed with Stage 3 kidney disease, what would be considered "moderate", in October. My doctor ran a second test to confirm, which happened in November. Since I was fine last July, he was mostly concerned with how quickly they seem to have deteriorated. And he could figure out no reason behind it. So, he sent me to a specialist, who I met with today.
He started out by telling me I only had 4 years left... if nothing at all changes and the deterioration continues to deteriorate at the same level, that is. Fortunately, we caught it, and can now proceed to do something about it. First off is the obvious- get my weight under control. It's not the main issue or concern, but it definitely won't hurt and will probably help with all of the other issues surrounding the kidney function. Next, figure out what is causing the decline. He also said he could not find anything in my lifestyle behaviors that would account for it, so my next step is a couple of ultrasounds. He wants to look at my kidneys themselves, and the arteries surrounding them, to see if anything is going on there somewhere. They faxed my info to the ultrasound place, and hopefully they will call soon to schedule the appointment. Then I will go back to the specialist to discuss the results and see where to go from there.
So, pretty much still no answers. But, baby steps in the right direction. Oh, and I have to start drinking pickle juice. Not ANY pickles, but DILL pickles. Gag.
On a serious note, this is something that is fairly common, and pretty much symptomless. The only reason it was discovered was through a regular annual physical. It's funny, because I've been saying I needed one for awhile now, but kept putting it off. When I went to the W.A.L.E. conference in October I got sick, and thought maybe I had an ear infection. THAT is what got me to the doctor, prompting me to schedule my physical. I felt so stupid when I heard that my "ear infection" was just allergies. But now, I'm glad I went and felt stupid, because who knows when I would have finally gotten around to making that appointment, and who knows how far my kidneys would have gone without being discovered. It's the little things.
I apologize if you happened across the "Nice" post. That was not suppose to have been published. I was rather upset, and hadn't even finished it. I must have hit "Publish" out of habit, instead of "Save". That's what I get for not double checking. Again- if you were subjected to that, I apologize. Please promptly forget it. Thank you.
It's one of those fragile things in life. In my mind's eye, I see it as that beautiful, delicate vase that you treasure. Then, someone comes along, picks it up, and throws it to the floor. It breaks, but you gingerly pick up the pieces and glue them back together. You have a vase again, and it might even be usable, but it's never the same. You can see the faults. It is weaker than it was. So you set it back up, maybe a little higher this time. But the person picks it back up and tosses it to the floor again. And it breaks, again. So you pick up the pieces and glue them back together, again.
However, they keep picking it up and throwing it back down. And each time it breaks, those slivers get smaller and sharper. They cut deep and now it's not just the vase that is marred. But you keep picking up those pieces, and keep trying to glue them back together. But after awhile the pieces are too small- too broken. They don't fit right anymore. The glue doesn't hold them anymore. You are down there, bleeding, wanting to fix something that probably isn't fixable anymore. You look to the person for help, and they just shrug and say "I don't know what to tell you."
Different people throughout life may come along and pick up that vase. Sometimes they will try to help you put it back together. Sometimes it really was just an accident. But when the same person keeps throwing it down. Keeps shrugging their shoulders. Doesn't even care. There comes a point when it isn't fixable anymore. There is no way to put those pieces back together. Where do you go from there?
I've been having a hard time lately; a hard time keeping my stress under control. I try to not worry about things, but I think that instead of just "letting go", I am actually just internalizing everything. I'm just hiding from it, or running from it, or just completely denying it instead of dealing with it. However, when I try to deal with it, I realize that there really isn't any way to deal with it. It just is what it is. I try to accept it, but then we are back to the question of whether that is what I am actually doing or not.
I stress out about everything. I honestly think it is affecting my health. I somewhat wonder if it's causing my medical problems (more on that in an upcoming post). I think it is probably at least contributing.
I know I am being very vague in this, and I am doing so purposefully. I apologize for that, but, well, it is what it is.
There is something to be said for staying home sick for a day. After today, I may just have to go expose myself to every one's sneezes and coughs more often. Rub that crap (okay, not that crap) all over me. In my swarmy state of mind that often accompanies me when I do not feel well, I was kicked by the writing bug. I got 15 pages written, plus some editing done. Now, that may not sound like much in the scheme of things. But for me, that is phenomenal progress. And, it alleviated a load of stress from certain areas of the storyline.
I've come to the conclusion that my writing bug on that story is finished for today, but with a 3-day weekend coming up, I'm hoping to at least catch that little bug again. I can do without the feeling like poo-poo part, but if that's what it takes, then I'm willing. Seriously. Sneeze on me. Thanks.
Every once in awhile, inspiration strikes me, and I can get somewhat, if not downright, crafty. My latest inspiration smacked me in the face while debating what to do for cigarette butts. Now, no one in my household smokes, but many of my friends and family do. So, while preparing for my birthday party that we had a couple weeks ago, I was trying to figure out where I could have everyone put their butts that wouldn't muck up my yard. I also didn't want to wind up with half-empty soda bottles stuffed with them (yuck!). This came to me in a brilliant moment of smackdown.
It involves empty soup cans, a picture of my family's butts that we took at a previous gathering (don't ask), white paper, black Sharpie, some Mod Podge, some water sealant, and some kitty litter.
I was originally thinking of finding a bunch of pictures of animal butts on the Internet, but then my boyfriend reminded me of this picture. It was just too perfect. =)
Tomorrow is my 35th birthday. Let me be the first to tell you- I am not doing good with this. I took turning 30 just fine. Yeah, I was no longer in my 20s, but by that time, I think I was ready to grow up some, and be an adult. But, 35 just seems overwhelming. At 35 they start telling you about all the things you can't (or shouldn't) do, like have children, and a whole new list of things you should do, like mammograms. It's like a huge stamp that says "Officially OLD" on my forehead. I have yet to find wrinkles, but I am sure they are coming. Of course, I slather on my handful of moisturizer every night and forbid myself to even look for them. It may just be denial.
I'll tell you where I do see it. On my chest. I cannot begin to tell you how much that bothers me. I've always had good skin. I keep telling myself it's because of my weight and my diet, and that as soon as I get those fixed (which I'm working on), it will get better. Then I try and tell myself it's because I don't eat well, or drink enough water or milk. So I started taking vitamins and drinking them with milk, and drinking more water. Eventually I suppose I will have to face the facts and embrace the signs of aging. However, at this point, I'm still in an absolute state of denial.
They say that 50 is "over the hill". 35 must be when you crest it, because everything starts to go downhill afterwards, right? Not that I think my life is halfway over. Now, the mission is to get serious about being on top of my health. Getting fit, if not fabulous, and staying that way. Sometimes the other side of the hill is the lush, tropical resort, right?
Wow. I am a horrible blogger. I really need to fix that. I know I keep saying that. One of these days I might actually work on it. LOL
We moved! I'm excited. I'm hoping that it gives me the sense of space to allow me to relax more, and therefore be able to write more. It won't happen for a few weeks, I am sure, since I still have tons of unpacking to do.
But, the place we are in now has so much more space! I can walk around without running into everything and / or everyone. We have a large living room with a woodstove, 2 large bedrooms for the kids, a double sized master bedroom for us, 1 large bathroom (seriously- my old bedroom could fit inside of it), and another 1/4 bathroom (sink and toilet). Little kitchen with eat-in nook, den with another wood stove, a good sized laundry area that also has room for a crafting space, a garage, and an attached studio area that has enough room for Dustin to do his photography, as well as his other hobbies. All that, and a nice front yard, and a fully fenced back yard complete with play structure, shed, and garden.
It has some quirks. It definitely has the feel of a homeowner who took on remodeling projects themself, and didn't quite know what they were doing. However, it's all cosmetic things, that are easily fixed or ignored. I'm excited, and have already started the Halloween decorations.
Speaking of Halloween decorations, I was appalled yesterday at the stores who have forgone the Halloween decorations in favor of Christmas stuff. I mean, it is only 3 days into October! Six of the seven stores I went to yesterday had their Halloween stuff shoved haphazardly into a corner, and looked like they had just thrown out whatever stock they had leftover from last year, then had big Christmas sections already up and running. The one store that did NOT do that was a Halloween supply store.. It made me want to vomit. Don't get me wrong- Christmas is fun, but I LOVE Halloween, and I hate the whole mega-commercialism that Christmas has become. Halloween and Thanksgiving are practically non-existent anymore because retailers are so gun hoe for Christmas sales. It makes me sick.
Ok... /end rant on that subject...
If you haven't seen it already, I started a new blog. I decided to start keeping tabs on all of the recipes I try out. I was having a hard time remembering what I thought of certain recipes, and what, if any, changes I wanted to try on them. Now I have all of that, many complete with photos, in one location to go back through. You should check it out if you are into recipes and stuff: Our Taste Tests
Next week I get to go to Spokane. I have to start getting packed and ready for that, I suppose. It's for a conference for work. I'm going to the WALE conference. Should be interesting.
I must have been a really horrible person in a past life. I'm serious. Life just has this not-so-funny way of punching me in the face. It seems that every time I get excited about something, or when it seems like my luck might finally be turning, Life lands me a karate chop to the throat, and then kicks me in the stomach to boot.
It's getting rather frustrating. It's getting to the point where I'm beginning to think that I shouldn't even bother trying anymore, because it's never going to happen. I keeping setting myself up for disappointment. I'm just going to be stuck here forever. Nothing's changing anytime soon, so I might as well just accept that and deal with it.
Problem is: I don't know how to deal with it.
/sigh