~A Bitter Swallow~

I've been in such a shitty mood all day long.  I don't know why.  I woke up this way.  I crawled out of bed on the same side that I always do, so I can't use that excuse.  From the moment I opened my eyes this morning, though, my nerves have not only been frayed, but I'm pretty sure they are being electrocuted.

I have no real emotion I can put my finger on to explain how I'm feeling. I think it's just such a mod-podge combination of so many that it's formed this gigantic heap of chaos in my head, and it's just started to overwhelm me.

 Maybe it's because it's my day off, and I don't have to do anything or think or really be "present" anywhere, that my mind and body have decided it has the ability to just release some of the steam in the form of intense aggravation and irritation.  This nervous, restless annoyance that oddly enough just makes me want to bury myself in my cave of blankets and sleep it all away.  Not even Netflix.  Just sleep.  Escape to some other world in my head.  Let the magic of dreams do its job of filtering and organizing and whatever else that dreamland does to process some of this crap.  I must say- they can get rather, interesting, when I'm in this state.


I don't want to talk to anyone.  Well, I take that back.  In an odd twist,  one person keeps popping into my head as being one I would really like to see or talk to today.   Alas, he no longer talks to me, so there will be no comfort in that.     Instead, I shall just continue to bury myself in my blankets and limit my association with the human race (or even feline race, since they are faring no better in my wrath) for the remainder of the day.  I may branch out and hit up Netflix, since one can sleep only so much, and my crafting projects I wanted to attempt have already been worked on as much as they can be for the time being.  I'd cook, but I forgot to go to the store and that now requires pants and a bra, and fuck that.

It's that time again;  time for us all to make promises to ourselves that we will break within the first month or two of the new year, right?   The dreaded "New Year Resolutions".

I stopped doing those a long time ago.   It always just made me feel worse and worse as each year would roll around- watching yet another year go by and I hadn't done what I had said I was going to.   I still make lists of things I would like to accomplish, however, I do not set them in stone.   They are just goals I strive toward.  As each year passes, I find that I may need to make them a bit more realistic; a bit more manageable, or I may find that I'm kicking ass and getting those big goals taken care of.

 Sometimes I just make a long list of shit I'd like to have happen, and see how many I can get crossed off in that one year.   It's not logical to think that all of them would get crossed off.  So just getting more than one accomplished is a feat.   If you work with me, you might have noticed how much I enjoy crossing stuff off of my lists.   LOL

Some of you may have already seen this on my Facebook page.  The picture above is my "resolution" for this upcoming year, 2016.   Me.   I'm my resolution.  It's time.  It's time to honestly focus on myself and get my shit in order.  Straighten myself out, all around.  In 3D:   Physically.  Mentally.  Spiritually.

I made lists of goals I'd like to accomplish this year.  I tried to keep them valid and attainable.   Some I will probably need help with,  I'll need to figure those parts out.  I've taken each of my goals and separated them according to which category I feel they are going to help me balance-  my physical, mental, or spiritual well-being.  The ultimate goal is that by investing the time in re-balancing myself, it will help me become a better mother, daughter, sister, friend, and maybe at some point in the future, partner/lover.


So without further ado, I will list my goals as they stand now.  I list them for you all to witness so that you may judge me, accompany me, encourage me, laugh at/with me, assist me, or disregard me as you see fit.   I may or may not add to them as I see fit.  As I accomplish them, I will strike them out.   That is the part that makes my dark little heart patter with glee.


Physical:

Up my daily water intake.  Right now I average probably a measly 1-2 liters a day.  I'd like to double that, at least.

Start menu planning and stick with it.  Pizza nights need to be pre-planned or far and few between.  Vegetables need to be a main part of every lunch and dinner.

Morning smoothies need to be a thing again.

Take my vitamins every day.  I need to make sure I take my regular meds as well.  5 huge pills and 3 regular pills suck, but they make me feel better and keep the migraines at bay.  Laziness here is just plain stupid.

Make exercise a daily habit.  It would be easier if I had someone to tell me what to do, because I'm simply retarded in this area, and Google is just information overload to the extreme.  Not to mention leaving me to my own devices usually winds up with me huddled under my blanket on the couch with Netflix.   However,  finding a video or two and forcing myself to do them at home is just going to have to become a mind over matter issue.   I've been eyeballing that PiYo system.

Yoga.  Get back into yoga.  Find a way.

Start walking to work again.

Spend some time every evening stretching.



Mental: (this will be the long one)

Get financial issues in order-
    Pay off Capital One card
    Pay off car
    Pay off orthodontist
    Pay off smaller cards
    Pay down other two cards

Get Daemian's driver's license

Get Rhiannon's driver's license

Figure out the Microsoft Office issue on the computer, and then get the certificate

Figure out schooling stuff

Clean out the house/purge-
   Go through crafting stuff
   Go through other half of downstairs
   Go through my bedroom
   Go through books
   Clean up under porch / concrete area
   Go through kitchen cupboards
   Go through hallway closet
   Daemian's room
   Rhiannon's room
   Stuff above Daemian's computer

Finish my damn book!

Learn how to knit



Spiritual:

Start keeping a dream journal again

Get more connected.  Walks in the woods, on the beach, etc...

Embrace the holidays more.  Even if it's just something small like baking something, creating a craft, reading a story..

Become more of the kitchen witch I am.   Start stockpiling supplies as I can so I can start creating, plan the herbs, etc.. for this season, research and learn.

Try and attend a couple of ceremonies or events this year.

Meet new people (maybe at those ceremonies/events!)

  I'm really feeling it tonight:

The lonely
Cast aside
Forgotten
Insignificant
Broken
Not good enough
Not strong enough
I'm not enough

I dream
I hope
I wish
I grasp
I cling
I let go
I sacrifice
I strangle
I choke

I try
I try to be what I want to be
It's just not enough

I try
I try to be what others what me to be
It's still not enough

Nothing is ever enough
I'm not enough

  I'm not in a good place tonight.   My mind has wandered to places dark and bleak and seems to have set up camp.  I've tried the normal tricks to pull it back out to lighter, happier, or at least less scary places, but it is not falling for them this time around, and will not be swayed to leave.  I don't like it when it goes to these deep dark places.  The thoughts and images there are heavy and dripping with a finality that is a bit terrifying in their seductiveness.

  It would be so calming to no longer dredge these depths.  Or to have to pull myself up and force myself to skim shallow, donning the various masks for whichever occasion, hoping that one day the mask will just become real and maybe that content feeling will actually be honest instead of one of those stupid mantras I try to convince myself will one day come true if I just repeat it often and believe hard enough.  If I keep putting out that positive energy- it's bound to come back my way.   I think I've just pushed too much out and haven't left any to find its way back.

My brain has such a good way of reminding me of all the stuff wrong with me.  It would be easier to say reminding me of how little is right.   It likes to point out the numerous flaws, the many fantastic ways in which I have failed at life so far, and how it doesn't look like I'll be "winning" anytime soon. How my personality makes it so easy for people to walk away from me without a second passing thought, even if I'm over here dying inside.   It likes to point out that if I were to disappear right now... not very many people would notice or care.  It really likes to throw that in my face.  That one is its favorite.

So, I sit here and fight with it.  I tell it to fuck off.  I tell it I don't care.  It continues to push buttons and I look like a lunatic to the AA (or NA, I'm not sure which) people across the street while they see me through my window having an argument with myself.  Because yes, I argue - out loud- with myself.  Both sides.   Sometimes I think that straight-jacket and that padded cell sound like such a nice retreat.

In the battle of me vs each day, today has definitely won.  I've not had a good day today.  Maybe it's just because I've been battling this stupid cold for two weeks now, and I'm getting worn down, but today got the best of me.  My mood is sour and I'm just reminded of how much I don't matter in the real gist of things.

People will ask one another: "What is your biggest fear?"

Well, outside of the obvious "losing a loved one", mine has always been being alone, with no one caring about me.  Being forgotten.  A footnote in the background. That I don't matter.

 However, I've actually been living my worst fear for awhile now.  It's a terrible feeling.  Gut wrenching.  I think that in all of the people I know, I can count on one hand how many people truly give something of a shit about me, and that's with fingers to spare.  That's also including my kids.    


I'm not saying this to make anyone feel bad.  I'm not putting it out there to garner pity, or false attentions, or  even consolations that I am mistaken.  I am simply stating how I feel..

I continue to try.  I put myself out there.  I face each day.  I interact with people.  I try to forge relationships with people, even though I know I'm bad at it.  But fuck, I try.  I'm getting tired of trying, though.  I mean really, what's the fucking point?  I think maybe I should just make peace with the whole being alone thing.  I've already been forced to face the fear, so might as well cozy up to it and become pals.  It's obviously not going anywhere anytime soon.

   Well, we're a bit into November now, and so far I think I've been doing pretty well with this "season".   I've had a bit of a set-back with the migraines, but I know those are going to be a work-in-progress for awhile, so I'm not too surprised about that, and am keeping my thoughts positive and hopeful that eventually things will balance themselves out in that area.  The fact that my doctor prescribed a vitamin regimen (B2) to add to my current medication dosage instead of more drugs is a pleasant surprise, and I'm hopeful that it will help.  It was a bit of a bummer to hear that once the migraine takes hold there isn't really anything to be done other than sleep, quiet, darkness, etc...  Nothing is really going to help alleviate the pain or other symptoms.  I would rather not be put on a bunch of drugs if they aren't really going to help, though.  More natural alternatives I am much more fond of trying out.  I did forget to bring up massage therapy, and maybe even chiropractic.  However, I go back in three months, and that will give me time to see what all my insurance covers, etc.. so I can discuss it with him with more knowledge in hand on what I'll maybe actually be able to even afford to do.  I'm even considering that pressure point piercing...

  The depression hasn't been too bad so far.  I still have my moments of downness.  It catches me at the oddest of times;  moreso during the daytime hours than at night it seems.  I'll be walking through the library, standing doing the dishes, driving down the road,  or waiting for the oven to heat up, and something will hit me;  A memory of some way in which I inevitably fucked things up again, or just thoughts about how I am just not good enough in one way or another in my life.   It's like a punch to the gut.  It actually doubles me over sometimes, and I have to fight to keep the tears back.  But fight I do, and so far I'm winning.

  I was out with some friends the other night.  One was discussing a gentleman he wants to set my sister up with.  He sounds like a great guy, and I'm actually pretty excited to see if they connect.  I'm so hoping she finds someone, because she is SO WORTH IT!  Not that she needs a man, but she deserves to be spoiled and I want her to be happy.

But then our friend looked at me and said he didn't know "what kind of guy" to look for for me.   Someone I love very, very much told him not to bother; I cannot remember exactly how she worded it, but pretty much stated that it's not going to work for me to be set up, or for me to search for someone... that it's going to take someone just walking into my life unannounced..     She didn't mean it in any sort of derogatory way.  It simply is what it is, and I think she's 100% correct.

 I just have this void in me; this numbness or emptiness.  I just don't seem to connect with people "in that way".  I can't seem to form bonds. I meet people and go on what seem like should be great dates, but just feel nothing.  I "shut people out" and "don't give them a chance", is what I've been told.  Maybe they're right, but I feel like I shouldn't fake something that isn't there. 

  Only certain people have what it takes to flick that switch and ignite that spark in me.  I never know who it will be.   I have no "type".    There are just these strands of energy in me that suddenly light up, that reach out and grab onto a person.  Or perhaps it's more the other way around;  that person's strands reach out and grab mine.  They grab them and light them all up, turn them all on- these strands that normally lay dormant in me.  The neurons start flashing and firing, and suddenly there are all these.... "feelings".   It happens fast.  I usually know right away when this person comes into my life;  within a month or two. They usually scare the shit out of me.  It causes so much confusion in me.   It's hard to process all of it.  I don't know how to read it, or what to do with all of this sudden influx of information and emotion. 

The last time this happened was pretty devastating to me.  I handled it badly.  That's an understatement.  I handled it epically horrible.  It left me raw, bleeding, wounded, scarred and still not completely healed.  I thought I would come away from that cold.  Steeled.  With walls so high and unmountable that no one would ever stand a chance of breaking through again.   I don't want to feel like that again.  It was so painful, and it was only the beginning.  Had I let it progress any further... I'm afraid to think of what would have happened.

A strange thing happened though. . I let my wound stay open, I let myself continue to bleed.  I let myself stay just a little bit vulnerable.   I grew.   I came to the realization that I could never get over this if I didn't learn how to deal with it.  If I kept walling myself off, it would only make things worse.  I can't deny the fact that my heart wants to feel these things.  It wants to open itself up to someone.  I can't hide myself away from that, because doing so only makes it a million times worse when it sneaks up on me like it has.  It makes me make bad choices.  It makes my fight or flight instinct kick in, both which have terrible consequences for me.  The thought of putting myself through that potential pain of heartache makes my stomach turn in and of itself, but what I really need to do is learn how to deal with the actual feelings themselves.  How to stop running from them, how to accept them and let them develop, how to let them grow even though they terrify me.  It's the fear I need to get over.  Yes, the fear of potential rejection, pain, and loss, but more importantly, the fear of letting myself be vulnerable, be so open and exposed to someone, to letting someone inside my walls.

  I know it's not going to be easy.  None of it:  Not dealing with the migraines, dealing with the depression, learning to allow myself to feel emotion, allowing myself to open myself up to vulnerability, or even finding that someone to open myself up to again.  I'll just have to take one day at a time and deal with it when it happens.   I have to keep that channel open.  I have to allow those vines to feel their way out, to find that person it connects with and stop stifling it.   Stop stifling myself.

  Just, next time, it would be nice if those damn vines would connect with someone who feels the same way, pleaseandthankyou??   :)

It's my birthday.  I'm 39 years old today.  I've been trying all week not to think too much about this.  Not because I'm afraid of the number, because I'm not.  Maybe next year will be a sticker shock, but this year I don't care about the age.  It's not the number that bothers me.

What's been nagging at me as today has approached is where I am in life.  Or rather, where I'm not.  I had mentioned before that I didn't know what triggered my depression stage at this time of year, but I think I figured it out.  I think it's actually my birthday.  LOL.  How sad is that?   What better time to reflect on all the things I have not accomplished?

The past couple of months I've really felt outside of things. I mean, I usually feel outside of things, but it's been enhanced lately.   It seems like I've just watched so many things come together for people.  I've watched their careers advance.  They've found love.  They've gone back to school.  They've had all these wonderful things happen.  It makes me happy for them.  It truly does.  I love having these beautiful, happy things surrounding me.  I love seeing my family and friends successful, in love, happy.   I love seeing good things happening all around me.  

It's just that sometimes I feel so out of place.  While good things happen for me, they are small.  Don't get me wrong-  I appreciate the fuck out of the good things that happen for me.   They don't happen often, so when they do I am supremely grateful.   It's just that my life has this painful way of mocking me with that whole "one step forward, two steps back" mentality; for every positive thing that happens for me, it has to throw a couple of obstacles in my way to prevent that positive thing from really giving me any leverage to progress forward at all.  

Who is to blame for any of this?  Myself, of course.  I've had help, sure, but I'm not about to go naming names and pointing fingers when I am the master of my own universe and I have control over it.   Their part in the grand scheme of things is minuscule, and I am the one to shoulder the burden of guilt here.  Just me.  It is my choices and my actions (or inaction) and my mistakes that have led me to where I am today.  I've dug myself a hole so deep and so intertwined that I've gotten myself pretty stuck and lost.  I know that I have friends and family who love me to keep me company and who want to help, and while I sincerely appreciate their companionship, they can't lead me out, as they don't know the way either.

I go through stages of stumbling around in the dark, bumping into unseen corners, feeling my way along the damp, muddy walls, running into dead ends, realizing I'm going in circles.  Other times I just sit and think, try and reason my way out, try to find the logical decisions, the way that makes sense.   Sometimes I just curl into a ball and pretend I'm somewhere far away, where the sun shines and there's ice cream, even though I'm not particularly fond of ice cream because it's cold and I don't like the cold, but where I am in my Pretendland it's nice and warm and ice cream is an appropriate treat......


Don't judge me.   I'm doing that just fine on my own, thankyouverymuch.



I feel like I am failing at life.  I'm failing at adulthood.    I feel like such a horrible example for my kids.  I have no idea how they've turned out to be as good as they have.  LOL!

My financial status is dismal.   I'm not really sure how I'm going to get through the remainder of the year.   I know I will figure it out, because I always fucking do, but I'm not sure how it's going to happen yet.   My credit cards are already maxed at limits that are unacceptable.  I have shit that I need to do though.  I have stuff I need to do for my kids. I have to buy food and toiletries for the house.  I have to pay bills.   I got my raise at work, but then income I get elsewhere was cut significantly- to the point where the amount I'm making with the raise doesn't even cover what I'm losing, at a time when the amount of the bills rises by quite a bit, not to mention the holidays.  So, I'm trying to figure all of that out.  It's stressful.  I'm trying my damnedest not to panic, but it's hard.



My emotional state is fluctuating.   I'm trying.  I'm really trying.   As I sit and watch every one around me succeed as I flounder though, it's hard to stay positive.  I watch people move up and succeed in their jobs while I stagnate.  I don't know what I have to offer anymore.  I feel tired and used up.  I see people going back to school; furthering their education.  I see them finding love and having these relationships that are happy and healthy.   Then there's me.  I can't remember the last time I had a healthy relationship.  When I get involved in one that has the potential, I sabotage it.  Why?  Because I don't believe that it will last.  I know that eventually I will be hurt so I might as well stop it now before my heart gets crushed to dust.  I might as well be the one doing the crushing so that I know it's coming. I also don't feel the feels very often, so when I do start to feel them, I don't know how to handle them and panic.  I go through this run, no stay, no run thing...  It's a seriously fucked up combination that makes for a very volatile Thaydra when it happens.  Finding someone willing to stay through the me trying-to-work-through-this-shit period is pretty much not going to happen.   

Not to mention, despite my crusty exterior, I'm a hopeless romantic with apparently ridiculously high standards that no one has a chance of meeting. I want that spark to be there when I meet them.  Or fairly soon.  It doesn't have to be a severe romantic spark.  That hasn't always been the case, but just that "something about them" spark that makes me want to see them again.  Most importantly-  I expect their actions to match their words. Words can be utterly beautiful things, however, without the actions to back them up, they can turn dull and empty.  I want someone to make me feel the things I hear.   And I am no longer willing to settle.  I don't see the point.  So then I'm left wondering if I'm setting the bar too high.  How can wanting someone to mean what they say be too high, though?  I don't think what I ask for is unreasonable.  I do know that I panic and push people away too soon.  I'm working on that.  Unfortunately, there's not much I can do once I've pushed them away too often and they get sick of me and move on.  Who can blame them?  Then it's hard to want to try and risk that again. Not to mention it's just hard to find someone that I mesh with in that way, and I hate dating.  It's exhausting and ruining my faith in human-kind even more than it already was.
>.<


So, I need to figure out what I'm going to do about this shit. I don't know what I can do yet to climb out of this hole, like I said before- I'm still trying to figure that part out, but I need to do something. What I can do is focus on the positives.  Things are always going to have their shitty sides.  The yang to the yin, etc...  it's all about balance, right?  I'm a Libra-  I need balance.  I need to balance myself back out.  So, I need to balance out this negative shit with some positive shit.  (Who's going to bring me some unicorn poop on Saturday??)

I have a job.   Let's start with that right there.  There are plenty of people in this world that don't.  For that matter: I have a roof over my head.  I have bills that need to be paid, which means that (at least for now.. hehe) I have heat, I have food on the (metaphorical) table, I have a car, I have running water, and clothes on my back.

I have two amazing fucking kids that also have these things. Those kids have amazing friends, so that I don't have to worry about what they are doing when I am not looking. I have never had to worry about them getting into drugs.  I've never had to open the door to a policeman bringing them home, or go down and pick them up. Hell, I've never even been called into the principal's office.   They are well-adjusted, caring, intelligent, kind, albeit a bit twisted kids.  How the hell that happened with me as their mother, I don't know.  (Okay, I know the twisted part.  Shut up.)

I have a very close connection to my mom and my siblings.  We do not fight like I hear in other families.  We do not have the disconnect like I hear about in other families.  I have it with my father, so I understand what other families talk about, but I have a very close bond with my siblings and my mom.  I value this bond very much, even though I may not reach out.  I don't know what I would do without it.

I have a very close core group of friends.  Again, I'm horrible about reaching out, but they know this about me and do not hold it against me.  Actually, some of them are just like me in that regard.  lol.  I know that if I need to I can call on them anytime, and they know the same of me.  We can go months without talking, but when we do meet up the comfort level is like no time has passed.  I love them dearly.  

I not only have a job, but I have a job in a fantastic place with fantastic people.  After working jobs in stressful places where I felt I couldn't have an opinion on anything, it's wonderful to be in a place where I feel like where I am makes people happy, and the people I work with are not just coworkers but friends.

I am making progress in how I view myself.  It might be small progress, and I might backslide often, but it's still progress and that's better than nothing.  The more progress I make, the more light comes in, and the more it allows me to see what else is in there.  I'm slowly feeling my way around, becoming familiar with these corridors, the mud on the walls  is slowly telling me its stories, and it's not so dark anymore.  Maybe the way "out" isn't to get out at all, but to make myself at home within these walls, to embrace them as a part of me and understand them, to stop fighting them and learn them.  To take the time to know them, and therefore better know and understand myself.

   

  So.... I "started" that 100 Days of whatever.   I was supposed to be recording stuff, doing reviews, keeping track, holding myself accountable. 

Well here's an update.  So far:   I've completed one (1) day of it.  That was the first day.  It wasn't even a whole day.  I did some stuff on the list.  Of the list, the only thing I can remember for sure completing is an organization task- because I organized the coffee table that I sit at.  It's what you could consider my "desk" , I suppose. 

That's it. 

/sigh.

I have excuses.  That's all they are.  Excuses.  They are not good ones.  There's no reason as to why I didn't do more on this other than the fact that I'm stubborn and I didn't feel like it.  Sometimes I really need a good kick in the ass, you know?   Yes, you know.  If you've been reading this (or know me at all), I know you know.  

I also recently read through something that made me realize just how utterly insane going through the process of going on and off the antidepressants, as well as trying out different migraine medications,  coupled (or would it be considered tripled?) with dealing with dormant "feelings",  all at the same time made me....   It was pretty bad.  Strike that.  It was absolutely embarrassing. No, strike even that.  Humiliating.    I'm surprised I didn't wind up in the nuthouse.  That's almost a literal statement.    I'm looking back on things and trying to decipher what in this screwed up head of mine was even real.  I mean, I know what I felt.  I just wonder what was real. 

I'm so fucked.  It's not even funny.  I mean, it's humorous enough to laugh at myself, because if I don't I just might slit my wrists... but it's not even funny. 


At least all that shit has stabilized.  I'm off the antidepressants.  That was the smartest decision I made, I think.  I might not think so in a month or two, once the depression hits, but that shit messes me up.  I remember why I stopped before.  I know it's most likely probably more a matter of needing to figure out which one works for me, but I just don't have the finances or patience for that.  Not to mention I just don't know that I can handle going through the side effects.  They are really bad for me.  My only regret is that I didn't wait.  Or do it sooner.  I have the worst timing in the world.  I swear I'm a calamity of errors.  Welcome to my life.

I went back on the previous anti-migraine med once I was off the antidepressant, and that seems to have been a good decision as well.  It has been working.  So, I'm two for two in that department so far.  Again...  I just wish my timing had been better.


It's Fall.  It's my favorite time of year.   As much as I dread what I know lurks for me in the upcoming shadows and corners, I also anticipate the ritual of turning inward and exploring those dark areas.  Every time I do I gain something.  Every time I come out the other end stronger and with some greater knowledge of myself; some tighter grasp of power over my darker side.

I always emerge.. and that is the important part.

  I was driving home after running an errand after work today, and I noticed as I drove past a cemetery I felt a sense of peace wash over me.  It's always been that way.  Cemeteries have always been a place of comfort. Even as a teenager I would gravitate towards the cemetery when I needed calm.  What is it about being among the dead that delivers such a deep sense of tranquility in me?  I wanted to stop the car, get out, walk between them, read their headstones, listen to the wind whisper stories while the rain showered down on me;  Then curl up on-top of the gravestones, huddle among them and just close my eyes for awhile.

Perhaps it is the fact that they no longer judge (that I am aware of).  Or that I can talk and they just "listen".  They do not argue or say mean things (that I can hear).   And while they do not respond, I do not have to watch them blatantly ignore me.  At least they have a good excuse.  They're dead.

Or perhaps it's their complete lack of responsibility or duty anymore that I am drawn to.  They are no longer attached to the demands of the societies of this world.  Love, acceptance, success -even in the smallest of senses -  .... none of that matters.  There's just the cool earth crumbling, eternal sleep, rest.  At least that's what I can see at this end.

Do I believe that's all there is... a rotting corpse in the ground?  No.  I believe our souls journey on.  That escape sure sounds appealing though.   That rest.