~A Bitter Swallow~

You know, some days I am quintessentially reminded of just how much of a loser I really am. Tonight is turning out to be one of those times. I knew I lost a lot when I left my marriage, but holy shit, sometimes it is just insanely sad how much. Or maybe it was really never there to begin with, which I am thinking is probably closer to the truth of the matter. Take tonight, for instance. I had a birthday dinner for myself at my favorite resteraunt. Other than myself, my children, and my boyfriend, 3 other people showed up. One was my sister, the other two were a couple of friends. And they are more my boyfriend's friends than they are mine. Not that we don't get along, because we do ( as far as I know ). It's just that if Dustin and I were to break up, I don't think I'd ever actually hear from them again. He knew them long before I did.

I think the whole birthday dinner thing has ran it's course. I have a feeling this was the last year for that.

Anyways- what makes it all so much worse is that everyone's reasoning for not coming was monetary. Ok, that makes sense, until I realize that they are all planning on going out to the casino for the bartender's birthday next weekend.... and half of them were probably out at the bar tonight. Doesn't make me feel real considered, ya know.

Then, I get shit because I wound up spending too much on dinner. I don't think he was overly serious, but to a point he was. I didn't realize I had a limit, especially considering he had previously been talking about paying for the entire meal (paying everyone's tab) to thank the people who did show up for coming out. That in and of itself could give me a complex, but since I know what he meant, I let it be.

I don't even know why I'm posting this stupid blog. No one but me is going to read it, and I am very much aware of that. Sometimes I wonder why I bother keeping this blog updated. I am the only person who reads it, unless I push it on Dustin, and even then, I don't think he reads half of what I asked. I have linked this to people more than a couple times, and I haven't gotten one single solitary comment about it. Not even in passing. So why the hell do I bother. Part I know is to give myself an outlet, but what about all the other crap I post about. I think some piece of me is hoping someone out there is actually keeping tabs on it, but I know that it isn't going to happen. I'm just giving myself another failure to mark in the record books...

Sometimes it is so lonely. I look around and there is no one there. I know Dustin and my kids are.. but, where did everyone else go. What the hell did I do that was so horrible? Or was it never me that they were hanging out with to begin with?


Gods! I really wish I could just move far far away. Move somewhere where no one has any idea of who I am. Somewhere where I could just start all over again. Then at least when I have no one calling me or coming to my birthday, at least there is a viable excuse. If it weren't for my kids, I'd do it. But I can't uproot them and all they have just because mommy is lame. /sigh

So, I guess I get to emmerse myself in a game I have no interest in, and write about stuff that no one gives a shit about. Yay me!

Anyone going to sing "Happy Birthday" yet?