~A Bitter Swallow~

I feel like I'm cracking up. Not in the gut-crunching joyful way, but in the mind-splitting crazy way. My brain feels like it's pulsing, swelling and receding. The world takes on a somewhat skewed, warped view, and it's maddening. I've found my emotions all over the place. I am upset or angry for no reason, and even while feeling it, I cannot pinpoint what is causing it. I can't even hit the target. My arrows are falling precariously beyond, short, around- anywhere but at the intended area. I cannot figure out what is causing my emotion wave-surfing. It seems that everything I have enjoyed is starting to take on a greyed appearance, and it is flavorless. I know that I'm acting irrational, yet have no means by which to stop it.

It is horrible to feel this while with my children. I try to keep that happy face on and not let them see how horrible I feel. Not only physically and mentally, but made worse by the fact that I now have guilt at not being completely engaged with them, either. I've noticed that my fuse is considerably shorter, and I get aggrivated and moody so easily. I have little interest in interacting with others, even those I love tremendously. I find myself pushing others away, crawling away instead into my own silence and melancholy. I close my mind off to anything other than what I am intent on at the moment, and any interferance is cause for strife for me.

It manifests itself physically as well. Headaches, stiff neck and shoulders, stomach upset and nausea, lack of appetite, or horrendous appetites. I've been chewing my nails more than normal.

I am reading voraciously. It's as if I just want to immerse myself in the fantasy life of some other writer- to lose myself and not have to come out into the real world. I can live in that otherworld for awhile. I don't want to leave the house and interact with anyone other than those fantasy characters in the books.

I still get up and do what I need to do. I make dinner, I clean the house, I feed the animals, and exercise. I shower, I eat, I interact with my kids and take them to their various activities. I sleep as well as I can, and I get up in the morning.

I don't want to go back on anti-depressants, although I know that is what my symptoms describe. I've been down that road enough times to know my way around it. I also know that taking those dratted pills was never my forte. I only end up sending myself on a drugged up see-saw. And while it's not narcotic, it's still an assault on the hormones in my body, and with the rapid rises and tragic dips, it's more than my little brain can take.

So, I suppose I can research more natural methods to battle depression. I know about diet and exercise, and getting out there. I know I will work to act on more of those things. Maybe some St Johns Wort to help me along the way. I'm hoping that once the snow and frost subside for the year and the Sun comes out in all his glory, that it will help to liven my spirits, to make me excited about going outside the house again.

I push myself to force myself beyond this shell of intolerance and annoyance, and delve into the beauty and harmony that lies inside. I embrace my children, sit down and help them with thier homework, answer or find the answers to their questions, listen to their stories, ask them questions, see how their days went and be genuinely interested in what they say.