~A Bitter Swallow~

   I haven't been very good about keeping up on my blogging here lately.  Well, it's been pretty terrible for awhile now.  But part of my goals for the new year were to blog weekly.  And, I haven't been.  Most of that is because I don't want to whine on here, and it feels like that's all I do.  Who wants to read that?  And, lately, I haven't had much positive stuff to talk about.  I guess nothing terrible has happened, so there is that.  That is positive, right? 

  I'm starting to seriously think that I need to start looking for a second job.  Something very flexible, since it will have to work around the job I already have at the library.  I just know that if I go there- if I work another job- it will kill me.  Inside,  I will die.  I'm not kidding, and I'm not exaggerating.  I'm already sick in the head.  This is not a new concept to me.  I know it.  I can function in society and be a "normal" person on the outside, but I am very much aware that inside I am seriously screwed up.  Having to work hurts me.  It sounds childish, and whiney, and tantrumy, but there it is.  I am the type of person who desires deep down inside to be a housewife.   To take care of the kids, and the chores, and all that.  It isn't going to happen.  I dont' think ever.  That hurts.    If I have to take on a second job, I'll have even less time.  And more stress in my head.  But, financially, it's starting to look like that is what is going to have to happen. 

I can't even do the simple things I want to do- like bake or craft- because I always need an important component, but don't have the money to go get it.  I want to take up knitting, for example, but can't stomach spending the $3 for the needles, because I need to put that on the kids' lunch accounts to make sure they can eat lunch for the week.  I want to bake a cake or something, but I've used all the eggs, and now we don't have any.  That kind of thing.

  I guess I have my tax return to look forward to.  I can pay off some debts, and get at least caught up so that I'm not drowning.  But, it's not going to get me forward.  I still am stressing about how to handle the kids' birthday, since I really have no extra money whatsoever.  Luckily, they've both said they just want to have a party at the house this year, so I won't have to worry on that end.  But I do have to concern myself with food and activities.  Maybe the weather will cooperate enough for us to be outside.

I just need something to change.  I can't keep doing this.  It's wearing on me too much.  I need stability, and I just don't have that and it turns my stomach each and every day.  It's all I think about.  I can't sleep because things roll through my head-  mostly the stuff I already talked about: how to pay bills, rent, pay for the kids' activities, gas... It's all money.   I hate money.