~A Bitter Swallow~

  I walk to and from work when I can.  When it's not pelting rain or subfreezing temperatures (which, I'm starting to think will be getting here soon).  When I walk, I think.  I let go of my thoughts and just let them wander where ever they want to take me.  Sometimes this is a good thing.   Sometimes it's really not. 

In any event, I was walking to work the other day, thinking about money.  That's been the hot topic for my little brain the past few months.  Even more so lately.   I was having a bit of a down morning- more freaking out than calm about what the hell I'm going to do about bills, etc.   I started thinking about those people who have money.   Rich folk.  I don't know how I got onto them, but I did.  At first I was envious.  Of course.  But not in an aggressive or violent kind of way.  Just a jealous way.  

It was then that I thought to myself that I value stuff too much.  I put too much stock into what I have. I began to berate myself for being one of those whiney little kids who throws a tantrum because their parent didn't buy them an Ipad for Christmas.  But then another part of my brain reared up, vehemently denying such allegations.  It pointed to what I had when I did have money (I have never been anywhere close to rich, or well off, or mainstream.  But I've had more than I do now).   I don't really spend it on stuff.  It asked me to revisit my dreams of winning the lottery (or finishing my book and having it be successful... pft), and what I would do with that money.    I did this and came to a pretty awesome conclusion, at least in my opinion.  One that made me feel a bit better about myself.

I don't value stuff.  I value doing. 

Most of the items on my list of "If I Ever Got Rich This Is What I Would Do" include things like travel, classes for my kids, and classes for myself.  Trips to museums and national parks and seeing and learning what the world out there is like.  Being able to finally take my kids to see things like the Nutcracker and Cirque Du Soleil and Disneyland.  Quitting my job so that I can stay home and write more.  And, of course, taking my family with me for many of these adventures.  

I don't think of items that I want.  I don't dream of huge shopping sprees or anything like that.  It isn't material items that I value.  The only material items I want are the house and car.  But that is only to finally own my own home, and a vehicle that I do not constantly worry about breaking down.   One that is better on gas mileage and nicer to our environment. 

Even my home that I want is geared more towards doing.   I don't want a huge mansion of a home.  Just something big enough to fit my family comfortably and allow us to attend to the many hobbies that we have.  I want more land and hobby room than actual living room.  I want land to have a garden and a fruit grove.  To have chickens and goats.  I would love to be able to cultivate a home that was completely self-sufficient if need be.  Solar energy (or whatever would work best out here) and all that jazz. 

So, that thought process wound up being one of the good ones.  One that let me sit back for a moment and breath, and stop berating myself for a bit.  It didn't help me stress any less about money, but that's okay.    The money thing will work itself out eventually.  Heck, it will probably even help me dig a bit more into that whole "self-sustaining" living mindset at least in some areas.