~A Bitter Swallow~

  I'm not sure why I woke up so early this morning.  7:30am on a Sunday morning, which is my day off, is not cool.  What's even more not cool is the fact that I've been rather emotional today.  There are things going rounds in my head that I've been desperately trying to ignore, and they are all pushing to the surface this morning, vying for attention. 

  It doesn't help that I got paid today, so decided to pay my bills.  I was hoping to put everything on auto-pay through my main credit card, and then I could just make bi-weekly large deposits into that account and take some of the stress off of remembering to pay them, figuring out which ones to do, and dealing with fines for forgetting.  Unfortunately, most of them will not do auto-pay with a credit card, so that's fucked.  Then, as I was adding up all I owe, I realized I owe more than I originally thought.  Then (there's a few "thens") I looked at my student loan bill, from 17 years ago, and realized I've barely paid it down, because of the fucking interest.  I haven't even worked in that field for maybe 10 years now.  It's frustrating. 

  Then, because my mind is already starting to freak out over the whole money thing, it riles up all the other thoughts that have been duking it out up there, and then a whole brawl starts.  Things like where I'm at, where I'm going, past relationships, the lack of current ones (not just romantic but in general) and all that other shit gets stirred up.  Each of them take their turn in the spotlight, reminding me of why I try not to think about this shit, but they've pretty much got me in a headlock, tied to a chair, and have placed toothpicks in my eyelids to keep them open and watch. 

It's times like this when I just want to get into my car and drive.  Far.  Far away.  Start over.  Of course, not only would my kids kill me if I moved them like that, I don't think my car would make it that far.  Which reminds me that I need to look at buying a new car, which reminds me that "Oh yeah!  I have no fucking money."   And then the cycle repeats itself. 

Excuse me while I go pound my head against the wall for a few hours.