~A Bitter Swallow~

      Here I am again, about to divulge to you what's been going on in my head.  It's been a chaotic mess in here lately.  I'm pretty certain I'm having a nervous breakdown.  I don't say that in the metaphorical sense, but in a quite literal one.  I looked up the symptoms the other day, when I was having yet another moment of just not being able to cope with absolutely anything at all.   I found this website that gave signs and symptoms and I pretty much have every single one. 

10 Common physical nervous breakdown symptoms

1. irregular heart beat - you can feel your heart pounding. You may think you're gravely ill, yet tests are unlikely to be convincing.
2. tensed/painful muscles
3. clammy hands, sweating
4. dizziness or light-headedness
5. trembling or shaking - you may feel these are the most embarrassing symptoms of a nervous breakdown as you worry people may notice
6. upset stomach and bowel problems - your body/mind reacts as if your life is in danger and digestion is secondary to survival
7. exhaustion - all your energy is being used trying to manage/cope with this crisis
8. pains - 'unexplained' ones
9. coughs and colds - you seem to be catching every bug that's floating around
10. tension headaches

10 Mental symptoms that make you think you're going mad

1. Anxiety about every day things
2. Panic and phobias
3. Inability to cope with stuff you wouldn't have thought about twice before
4. Loss of libido - you feel 'dead below the waist'!
5. Impotence - and a sense of shame about that to boot
6. Sleep problems - not being able to fall asleep, frequently waking up and not being able to go back to sleep with racing thoughts
7. Withdrawal from loved ones - my clients describe it sometimes as 'living in a bubble'
8. Irritability and angry outbursts - you have no spare capacity
9. Difficulty concentrating - you probably can't even read a page in a book, or even keep your mind on the headlines in a newspaper
10. Depression - this is almost a 'given', when your life seems to be 'unraveling' (See my pages on depression - links further down.)

(The only ones of these I'm not having a problem with are #4&5.  In fact, it's the opposite way, and it's already high to begin with.  To the point where it's becoming problematic in its own right. )

5 Typical emotional problems with a mental meltdown

1. crying easily, and seemingly endlessly, at the drop of a hat - whether you're male or female!  No need to be embarrassed.
2. feeling guilty for all kinds of reasons: 'not pulling your weight', not being there for someone else, not being your 'normal' self, etc
3. feeling alone - you're embarrassed and don't want to bother with anyone. You don't even recognise yourself.
4. feeling joyless - increasingly withdrawing from all the things you would normally enjoy - no wonder with all those symptoms!
5. being/feeling 'paranoid' - feeling that people are out to get you and single you out for every scrap of negativity.

 If you've spoken to me within the past couple of weeks or follow me on Facebook, you've probably heard about me complaining about my heart palpitations.  They've been a bit obnoxious and even a bit on the worrisome side lately.  It was them, actually, that made me really sit down and start analyzing what was going on with me that might be causing it.  I had the rest going on as well, but just assumed that it had to do with some personal issues I had going on.  However, the severity of it all made me start to question if that was really all that was going on.



  Both of my kids now have walked in on me having fits of uncontrollable crying.   I think even some of my coworkers have noticed, though they have been kind enough to not mention anything.  I have had to make many sudden trips to the restroom in order to hide myself away while the tears flow uncontrollably down my face.  It's the last thing I want my coworkers or patrons to witness.   Usually I can curb my emotions and swallow them down, but lately it's been impossible for me to do that.  The merest of memory, thought, visual or verbal reminder, anything that triggers it just causes that flood gate to open and there is nothing I can do to stop it other than to let it run its course and dry out on its own.




I can't seem to concentrate on anything for any length of time.  I can't even read for more than a chapter or so at a time.  This is so horrifying for me, as reading is my main means of escape, and if ever I've felt the need to escape, it's been these past couple of weeks.  However, I just can't get my eyes to focus on the letters, or my brain to process what the words are saying, or my mind to form the pictures, etc...  I find myself rereading the same sentences over and over and over before finally just giving up and finding something else to do that doesn't require as much... well, focus.  Even writing this blog post is taking a tremendous amount of effort, and I'm having to stop and start again.  Move away from it and come back from time to time in order to keep my train of thought on track.  Is it from the lack of sleep?  Perhaps.  I'm not averaging more than a couple of hours per night, with a cat nap or two thrown in throughout the day.  Nothing I do seems to help that.  I've cut down the amount of coffee I drink, started putting in some physical exercise, tried getting my eating habits better (when I remember to eat), etc..   but nothing works on it.  My brain won't shut off, my body won't relax.  I just toss and turn in both body and mind as the hours and minutes tick by until my alarm goes off and it's time for me to start the next day.

This in turn also makes me feel guilty, because I'm not getting stuff done.  It's hard to feel like you are pulling your weight when you are constantly drifting in thought, or lack of thought, or running to hide your latest batch of tears, or just do not have the oomph in you to get things done.   However, there are these random bursts of crazy energy in which I get so much done, so it's hard to explain to people why at other times I'm just not doing anything.   How do you make someone understand how you can feel absolutely miserable and sick at one moment, and then the next you are bouncing off the walls with a completely chaotic energy that you cannot explain?

I've been feeling almost borderline manic lately.  The extreme highs and lows.  I'll have those bursts of energy I was talking about, where I'll get tasks accomplished and work done.  Or I'll just go spend all of my money that I cannot afford and do not have on frivolous things just because I don't care anymore.  Or, more dangerous, I'll go into what I call my "predator mode" (because that's what it feels like).  In this mood all I want to do is find a male and have copious amounts of sex.  I usually don't care who it is and don't put a lot of research into his "character" other than whether or not he will be capable of satisfying what I want.  I don't even care to know his name and have no interest on seeing or hearing from him afterwards.  I take what I want and I leave.  It's incredibly dangerous on a multitude of levels and in my lucid moments I know this.  In my manic moment I don't care.   The only thing that has kept the manic side tamed down is the fact that my kids are home 95% of the time.  My instinct to protect them still outweighs my desire to just let go and throw caution to the wind when it comes to myself and my own primal desires.  The flip side is this causes me to feel like a tiger caught in a cage, and I feel like I'm just pacing back and forth waiting for the moment the lock is not set right.  So far only one weekend has gone by when they have been away, and I've been busy with previous made plans for most, so my time frame has been limited.




For the most part I've just been telling people I'm okay.  I'm fine.  I'm just fucking peachy.  I know some of them know I'm lying, and they let me.  I just continue to put on a smile and say "fuck it" and "fuck the world" and do my battles and fight my wars.  What the hell else am I going to do?   Some days I want to just lie down and never get back up.  I want to get into my car and just drive until I run out of gas, and then just get out and walk until my legs and feet can carry me no more.  I want to just dig myself into a little hole and hide away from all of the world and just not fucking deal with it anymore.    There are days when I don't want to be the strong one anymore.  When I don't want to be the one that always pushes through and keeps going.  Who keeps her sense of humor about things and continues to laugh at herself.   Sometimes I want someone to see past that mask.  When I say "I'm okay" I want them to see that the yelling and splashing is not me laughing and having a good time playing in the water.  It's me floundering and starting to drown.  It's me losing my ability to keep myself afloat, and hoping someone will notice before it's too late, but at the same time not wanting to ruin anyone else's good time and bring them down with me.   A couple do, and they try their damnedest to help.  But I don't think they realize just how deep I've sunk, nor how to help me.  I don't even know how to help me.