You know those days where when you're crossing the street, and you kind of really hope that the truck coming just runs the light and hits you? Not hard enough to kill you- just enough to put you in the hospital for awhile; keep you in a coma so you don't have to feel, and then when you wake up you're on so many drugs you're all foggy and hazy and don't really remember. If you're really lucky, you won't even remember why you were hoping to get hit in the first place, and then it will all be worth it.
Now, before you freak out, I know I don't really want to get hit by a truck. I know the likelihood of being physically and probably mentally maimed, if I survive the accident, for the remainder of my life would be high, and that the damage done to my loved ones would be significant. I would never wish that on them. But fuck, I just wish I could not have to think or feel anymore. Just for a little while. Just to forget. Just to be numb.
It was so stupid of me to let my defenses down so completely. It was even stupider to do it in the scenario I was in. I know better. I knew better. There are reasons I have my walls built so thick and so strong and so tall. There are reasons that I don't let people inside those walls. I cannot stand the pain that they bring with them. Every time. It doesn't matter whether or not they bring it on purpose. They bring it regardless of intent.
I've also found my judgement entirely lacking. I can no longer tell whether someone is trustworthy or not. I can no longer tell whether their intentions are true or not. I've fallen for so many lies, so many smooth talkers, so many tricksters. Now I just expect them all to be suspicious. They are all just after their own agenda, with no care to what it will do to me.
Not that I am without fault, for I'm not. I did not expect him to break through so easily, and then once I realized he had, I did not know how to react. I misunderstood things at first, and then once I realized I had misunderstood, chose to ignore instead of addressing it right away. I buried it instead of bringing it to the surface and in doing so caused myself anxiety and distress, which in turn caused me to overreact and my fight or flight instincts would kick in. I would not / could not ask for what I wanted, so how can I blame anyone other than myself if I never let him know what was on my mind?
This is a pretty standard reaction from me. It's rather pathetic. I just don't know how to handle feelings. They are awkward and foreign. They feel heavy and dirty on me. Mainly because often times they are not returned, so I want to just shake them off of me like some kind of gross germ that might make me sick- which really isn't all that wrong of an analogy, if you ask me.
I had an absolutely wonderful weekend last weekend. If it hadn't been for knowing what I was about to do, it would have been perfect. I knew what would have happened in the long run, though. I knew I was about to be phased out. Maybe not right away, and maybe not completely, but it would have happened. I have no doubt in my mind that it would have happened. I would not have been able to handle that. The pain that watching and feeling that happen would have caused me.. I can't even describe what thinking about it feels like.. let alone what experiencing it would have done. I knew I had to do something before it came to fruition. So I did. It didn't go down the way I would have liked it to, which would have been face to face, but I did it. I did it terribly, as I always do, because I can never express myself accurately when it's an emotionally charged topic, which this definitely was. And then I proceeded to finish my only glass of wine and bawl on my couch. So much so that my daughter heard me and came out to sit next to me with her arm around me. She didn't say anything- just sat there. I don't think she knew exactly what was going on, but I think she might have had an idea. I don't just break down like that.
These past few days at work have been murder on me. Memories or phrases will go through my head and will set me off. I'll see specific trademark images that are direct specific reminders of him that I have to see often and I have to keep my composure. I make many trips to the restroom in order to get myself under control. It honestly pisses me off how badly this is affecting me. It's been a very long time since I've been hit this hard. It caught me completely off guard. Completely.
I've cried, a lot. A. Lot. I figure it's just a thorough cleansing. Wipe it all clean. And this time, instead of walls, I'm going to just fill the whole thing in with concrete. I don't ever want to feel this way again. Ever. It's not worth it. This girl is officially off the market. This item is no longer available. But I miss him. :(
0 comments:
Post a Comment