~A Bitter Swallow~

So, we're quite a ways through my unexpected vacation, due to covid-19.  I left work on the 16th of March, and we are slated (barring anything further happening) to go back on the 13th of April.  During this time I've had plenty of opportunity to do all of the things I've been wanting to do.

But I haven't.

I had envisioned days of cooking, baking, crafting, reading, learning, exercising.  So far, I've made a batch of cookies, a loaf of beer bread, and a no-sew throw pillow cover.  After ten days.  Which, hearing that, it doesn't sound quite as bad.  Still. I feel like I should be doing more- taking advantage of the free time that's been given to me.

The problem is-  I'm not in my own space.  I'm in someone else's space.  And while they do their best to make me feel completely at home here- it's still not the same.  If it had been my own house, I would have been more apt to do the deep cleaning, cook all the things, make a huge mess, digging and planting garden beds, doing whatever struck my fancy.  But I don't feel comfortable doing that here.  It's isolating, even with all the people.  I feel cooped up- unable to stretch out.  I've watched a lot of television- mainly cooking shows. 

Yesterday I was reading a book (The House Witch) and I came to a bit of a realization;  Something that also covers how stifled I felt when I was in my own place.  I'm a hearth witch.  Yes- I love the outside in the woods or by the sea.  In the gardens and kitchens.  The moon and sun and stars. But I've always felt my best when tending completely to the home.  I was happiest (not including my marriage aspect) when I was a stay-at-home mom and my job was to cook and clean and make sure the house ran smoothly.  Reading through this book - it just sort of finally came together in my head.  And it's hard for me to do that after working full-time all day, and just not having the energy to put into it.  Even harder when the space you are in ultimately belongs to someone else.

One of the things I'm hoping can come out of this displacement right now, is the clean slate that will come with getting into a new place.  Especially if I'm somehow able to make that new place one that I am actually purchasing- so I have complete freedom to do whatever the hell I want to it.  I can incorporate all of those things that make me feel in my natural state at home, even if I'm not able to tend to it at all times due to work, especially if I get a second job (which is the plan once all the pandemic stuff has calmed back down). 

I suppose my next step will be to identify what exactly I want my space to be.  What are must haves, and must nots?  Put together a foundation list, so that regardless of the type of space, I can start to build something positive from the very beginning.