I can feel tendrils coiling around my brain lately. So far, they've only been made of smoke, and I can make them dissipate if I notice them and try. Which I've been able to do for the most part. However, I know how this works. They don't "go away". They just lose some of their substance and form. They are still there though, winding their way around my mind. Picking and prodding and seeing where they can squeeze in and infiltrate. It's like brushing at cobwebs; Constantly brushing at cobwebs.
I try to do things to help make them weaker. Or, rather, to help make myself stronger.
1. I try to watch what I eat, and make sure I get healthy stuff in me every day, if not at every meal. Every meal is the ultimate goal, but it's hard when dealing with picky kids who like regular comfort foods, as well as time restraints and money. As I get more involved and get more trial and error I'm sure I'll find recipes and ideas that work for me. It's just getting there.
2. I am also trying to do some sort of exercise every day- be it walking to/from work, jogging on the treadmill, or doing some floor exercises that I've found. The more I can do the better I feel, but I try not to beat myself up if I only get one of them done.
3. I am keeping a clean(ish) house. The less clutter I have around me, the less clutter seems to be in my head while I am here. Plus, cleaning the house gets me up and moving around. It's its own sort of exercise. I also get the sense of accomplishment from looking around and seeing neatness.
Things I want to work on:
~ Writing more. I need to do this. As a matter of fact, it's part of what this whole blog post is here for: Getting me writing. Here, the other blog, or writing on one of my stories (wouldn't that be great!)... just writing somewhere.
~ More outings with friends/family. I tend to retreat within myself, and just hide out. It's not always intentional. I've discovered that this house is not conducive to people knocking. There is no doorbell, so unless I am in the living room, I don't hear the door. Unless the house is silent- no music, no dishwasher, no heater. That is pretty rare. Like... super rare. However, even when people do get ahold of me, I find myself just wanting to stay home. Parties I'm not into anymore, so I really don't feel too bad taking a rain check on those. I would like to have more casual gatherings though, like BBQs and such. With the weather warming up there will be more opportunities to take advantage of trips to the lake, etc... My brother and his girlfriend (and my friend!) are coming over this weekend for a BBQ. Well, she is at least going to come over for some girl time. I've got cases of wine (yes, plural) that are begging for attention!
~Get outside more. I'm definitely happier when outside in the sunshine. Sunshine is lacking in this state, so when it is here, I need to take advantage. Take the kids out for lake trips, to the park, hiking, whatever! Myself, too, if I'm by myself.
~ Craft more. Be creative. Stop being lazy. Pick a craft and do it. Sometimes I get frustrated because I never have all the components for what I want to do. And don't have the money to go buy what I need. But, I can start keeping a list of what I want to do, what I need for it, and where to find it (did I get it in a book, website, etc) so that when I'm able to get the part I need, I can do it!
So, while I can feel the worms of depression trying to weasel their way back in, I'm so far so good (fingers crossed) doing okay at battling them. I am, however, keeping a close eye on it, and vow to take measures of asking for help if it starts to get beyond my control. I also know I'm good at hiding it until it gets to the point of "no return". Or so it feels sometimes. I'll try not to hide it. I don't want to get as bad as I did last time. That scared me. I know it scared a lot of people.
dictonary.com
Yesterday was hard. Yesterday was a bad day. I woke up groggy, having been deep in sleep when the alarm went off. My body was not ready to be awake, and I really had to fight to keep my eyes open and to make my limbs move to get up. I am not a morning person by any means, but this was unusual. I was in pain from the moment I moved, my shoulder and neck area on the left completely pissed off. It was the deep, sinking kind of pain. The kind that makes me horribly ill to my stomach.
I got up, started my coffee. My son was already up, having woke an hour earlier than normal not realizing it himself. The day was dreary, overcast with little sunlight. It was at least dry. He got off to school on time, and I got my daughter up and off to school. At least that whole affair was uneventful, as usual. They never give me issue.
However, for some reason, my brain was just not prepared for nor interested in the day. My emotions were haywire, which I'm sure was in some part the result of all the pain. My shoulders and neck have been paining me for days. It was bound to catch up with me. Add into that the disturbed sleep, the dreary day, and the stresses that I've been dealing with. I broke down a few times. I could not get motivated, though I forced myself to get the housework I needed done complete. I was even able to make dinner and have it be successful. What I could not do was cheer up, or relax, or even really focus or think clearly. My entire body seemed to be out of whack, right down to the molecular level. I felt pulled and stretched and twisted into all different directions. Nothing was within my control.
My brain seems to be in a bit better state of repair today, by a bit. The pain is now in the other shoulder as well, though. Luckily, due to scheduling shifts last week, I do not need to be in to work until much later today, and I will only be there a short while. So, I am hopeful that I will be able to function enough to make it through that. Tomorrow, however, I am working all day, and much of it will be physical. I am hoping that doing physical work will be easier on me. It seems strange that I would prefer the physical work when in so much pain, especially when the physical-ness of it will be mostly utilizing the area that hurts. However, the effects whatever this is has on me is so much more in the mental department. I find it hard to focus, to think, to process... and I can tell it's happening and it is so incredibly frustrating. The more I try to reign it in and make my brain work, the more it rebels, and then the stomach queasiness and that feeling of my body twisting and breaking and atomizing gets worse. Which is why I was able to get the housework done yesterday despite my lack of motivation. Moving means I can kind of go into auto-pilot, and let my brain relax and do whatever it is it needs to do. Conserve the energy so it can use it to heal itself, I suppose.
I started taking vitamins again yesterday. A good, all-around multivitamin for the three of us, and then additional Vitamin D (with Fish oil) and a B-Complex mix for myself. I may have the kids start taking the vitamin D once the weather turns dark again in a few months. I am very much affected by the lack of good weather here. There are only about 3-4 months out of the year that the weather is nice, dry and actually sunny and warm. Those months I thrive. I could spend all day(s) just lounging at the lake, basking in the sunshine. I would say I have that Seasonal Affective Disorder, but it's hard to tell, because that dreary "season" is pretty much autumn through spring. I do know that I always have tons more energy and a feeling of well-being, and I even think something bordering on the verge of actual happiness, during the summertime. Or, whenever the weather makes a turn for the better. I also know that after that good turn comes, when the bad weather strikes again, it hits me harder, too.
But what do you do when that dreary season is 9 months long??
On the advice of my sister (who is not a doctor, but I'm starting to mistrust most of them anyway), I started taking Vitamin D; A little dose of sunshine that may not be given by the actual appearance of the sun. I suppose it will be hard to tell whether or not it is actually making a difference, since it seems the warmer weather is peeking into us a bit early (though, I am really trying to not get used to it. The weather here is notorious for giving a few days tease, and then taking it away again for weeks). However, my hope is that by the time the dreary season comes back, I will have enough sunshine dosed up in me to counteract the blackness those clouds, rain and cold bring me.
Today was one of those beautiful Northwest days. The kind that catches those tourists who happen to come at the right time, and reels them in. It was sunny, warm but not hot (it IS still Sping). I took a walk this late morning, down to the Farmer's Market. The air was still chilly enough to warrant a sweater, but the day was bright. The sky a stark turquoise, the water deep blue. As I walked down the hill I watched white boat sails slice through the ocean, the sun twinkling so much off the waters, I almost feared it would give me a migraine. I came home empty handed. I hadn't really figured I'd be buying anything today. It was the walk I was after. Down the hill, around the market, and back up the hill. A Little League baseball game or three was going on at the park, so it was neat to listen to the crack of the bat hitting the ball, and the cheers of the audience as the players ran the bases, or made the catch or throw.
The kids were up when I got home, so we made banana -chocolate -chip pancakes and bacon for a late breakfast. Then we tackled cleaning the garage and mowing the lawn. That got done much sooner than I had expected, but it was entirely too nice outside to go inside. Instead, my son brought a chair, table, and my laptop outside to work on his homework. My daughter and I just lounged around on the grass, soaking in the sun. We don't see much of that sun thing around here. It is a must to take advantage of it when it shows up.
After awhile, the day was just too nice to sit around, and the kids got up and started playing with sticks and branches, sword-fighting each other. Then the frisbee came out, and the three of us dashed around, throwing and catching it. I. Suck. At. Frisbee. I cannot throw it properly to save my life. It made for quite a few belly laughs. My daughter was throwing it to tear people's fingers off if they tried to catch it, so instead my son and I would tend to dodge her throws. My son, as tall as he is, kept throwing it over the fence, and then would have to run and get it.
One of my favorite things to do during these sunny days is to just close my eyes and listen to the sounds. Especially the birdsong. I love listening to them tweet and chirp and sing to one another, answering each other. It is so beautiful and freeing. I love the other sounds, too: someone running a lawnmower, the aforementined crack of the baseball bat and cheers of the crowd, young children running and laughing as they play somewhere, the sizzle of a grill and the clink of ice in the glass, bees buzzing from flower to flower... It all takes me back to when I was young. To the days when I was a child, running through the park with my friends, giving birds the cats had gotten burials, playing superheroes, lying on a fallen tree trunk in a field with the sway of the tall dry grasses around me, or sunning on a large boulder at Rocky Mountain next to the snakes. Back in the days when I had nothing to care about or worry about, other than making it home in time for dinner. Back when things were uncomplicated.
I really hope that my children are developing memories like that. It is my goal this year to not be indoors on nice days. I want to make it a point to take absolute full advantage of nice weather when we get it. Even it that just means standing outside badly throwing frisbees at each other. The computers and Ipods and Kindles and video games will still be inside when the sun goes down.
I tried my hand at making some homemade laundry soap today. 4 ingredients and I got about 2 gallons worth of laundry soap. Supposedly it only takes about 1/2 cup of soap per load, and works super well. I've yet to try it out, since I had started the only load of laundry I have already this morning. So, I'll have to update that part later. I've heard good things though, so I'm kind of excited.
See the entire post here, complete with walk-thru pictures: One Good Thing
Take a look around her blog, too. It's got some great stuff!!
What you need:
1 bar of soap. I used Ivory.
1 cup borax
1 cup washing soda
8 cups hot water, plus lots more
What you do:
I highly recommend you have all of your soap, borax, and washing soda measured out and ready to go before starting.
Grate the bar of soap into a large pot. Add the 8 cups of hot water and bring to a slow boil. Keep an eye on this, because once it starts to boil, it foams up a lot!! I turned around to measure the washing soda and it boiled over on me.
Add the borax and washing soda. Return to a boil. Remove from stove.
Divide between two containers. I used old, mostly rinsed out laundry soap containers I still had. The blogger I got this from used rinsed out gallon-sized orange juice containers. The division doesn't have to be exact. Once the soap is divided between the two containers, fill them the remainder of the way with water.
Top the containers and shake well. Shake before each use.
That's it!!
Like I mentioned, I haven't used it yet. I will update this post once I do!
I told myself (and a couple others) that I wasn't going to write on this anymore. I knew when I said it I was lying. My pants were so on fire. I can't just stop. The magma of my mind needs to spew every once in awhile. This is (one of the places) where I spew it. I have come to the conclusion that, although sometimes knowing of people who read what I have to say here might make me uncomfortable, they still read it and they still talk to me. So, that has to count for something.
Yesterday I was talking to my boyfriend about my depression. It's hard on those around you. They tend to view something amiss in themselves that someone they love should feel so utterly hopeless. They think they are doing something wrong, or that they in and of themselves are the worthless one. It's very difficult to explain that sometimes they are the one ray of sunshine in an otherwise bleak world.
While trying to convey this to him yesterday it dawned on me why this last bout of depression was so overwhelming, and worse than other times before. Every other time my depression got bad, I got medicated. This time, I did not. Before, I always had my anti-depressant / anti-anxiety med to help ease the burden a bit. The darkness was still there, just not as thick or oppressive.
Upon realizing this, I started to think that maybe going back on my meds was the way to go. But then I thought, but I beat it this time. All. By. My. Self. Well, I wouldn't have without the love and support of my friends and family, but still. Pill Free. That made me feel pretty damn good. But wait, there's more!! Then I thought... well, but what if next time it's even worse, and I don't beat it. What if it wins?
Shit.
So, the debate still battles within my mind: Medicate? Or no?
With all my previous bouts with depression, the one thing that separated me from the norms (considering the level of "depressed" I rated based off of their tests) was that I never contemplated suicide. Jumping in my car and driving until I ran out of gas, then hopping on a bus until it stopped- yes. But suicide, no. I always felt that suicide was a cop-out, and the most selfish thing anyone could ever, ever do. I still do. Of course, back then I had others around me who made me feel wanted. I felt like there were people I could turn to, people I could talk to, people who would actually miss me if I left like that.
I guess that's what scares me the most this time around. I don't feel like I have those people anymore. I don't feel like anyone would be particularly upset, at least not for very long. It would be more of an "Oh, well that sucks..." and then life would move on. Suicide has entered my thoughts on many occasions this go-around. I just don't see the purpose of being here. I don't have a purpose.
Other than my kids. Many parents say that their kids are their life. And I'm sure that they mean it. But I wonder how many of them are as literal as "My kids are why I am still alive"? Because my kids are the only reason I haven't acted on those contemplations. When I get really down and to that point, I see their faces, and wonder what would happen to them if I were to take the coward's way out. And I can't do it.
Many parents say that they would give up their life for their kids. I am giving up my death for them.
I'm not sure if that's honorable or not.
I'm having a very hard time dealing with the depression this time around. I'm sure I've already mentioned that to death, but it is just getting worse and worse. My "Daily Challenge" this morning was to list 5 positive traits about myself. I seriously couldn't even think of one. I don't know one good quality about myself. I seem to fail at everything I try to do. I have no motivation, no purpose, no willpower, no courage, no self-esteem, nothing. I have become bitter, fat, and emotionally removed.
I am a horrible girlfriend. There are issues about myself that I just can't seem to push past no matter how much I try. I try to be who I think I'm suppose to be, but I just can't force myself to do things that make me feel so much worse about myself. I know it's not normal. I know it's not healthy. But it's there and I can't seem to fix it.
I try to dig myself out. I try to tell myself "You deserve to be happy." But I don't believe it. I try to smile, to make myself keep a "sunny disposition", but it feel so fake on my face. It must look more like a sneer than a smile. I don't believe I deserve to be happy. I don't know why, but I don't. Whenever I genuinely smile, that little voice in my head is right there questioning what I think I'm doing. What have I done to deserve that little moment of joy? And then there it goes- vanishing just as quickly as it came. Faster, actually.
I don't necessarily have the best "past", but I don't have anything that I feel should have led to the level of self-loathing that I have come to. I don't see anything that I feel responsible for the attitudes and thought-processes I have towards certain things. I don't find anything that is substantial enough to justify the way I am. I just am.
And everyday I seem to come across more and more that prove just how unworthy and unwanted I am. I am tolerated. I am convenient. I am "okay for now". It's really hard for me to try and work on justifying my desire for happiness and normalcy when I keep being shown that I'm not.