~A Bitter Swallow~

If you sit and stare at something long enough, do you start to see pictures in the patterns?  The swirls in the floor tiles or carpets, the dust on the walls, the popcorn on the ceiling, the grain of wood in the paneling, etc?  Like watching shapes in the clouds?  I do.  Sometimes I can lose myself in watching the shapes emerge, shifting and swirling, taking form, changing, morphing....  oftentimes they are animals, or faces.. sometimes serene, sometimes demonic.   While on my treadmill I've watched the wall in front of me turn into a treed path that I could jog through.  Or a wooded forest with no trail but one I made myself  Or a dark road at night.  I've watched faces and animals on my ceiling or walls when I couldn't sleep.  And of course, everyone's favorite, while sitting on the toilet. 

This morning's interesting one was a projectile vomiting fish. 

Just thought I'd share that little visual. 

=)

Spring break was supposed to be a time of getting out of the house and outside, but instead has turned into an inner reflection and a deep inspection and reorganization of my mind.

As some of you know, I'm kind of broken.  Between the depression and the migraines, my brain was having one hell of a time processing anything rationally.  I finally broke down and medicated myself for the depression again, as well as saw a neurologist for the migraines.   In doing so, I effectively bombarded my system with a barrage of new medications.  I figure it was all out war on the depression and migraines.  I know in theory I probably should have introduced things slowly to give my body time to adjust.  To wean myself on to this stuff.  To treat my brain like a delicate little baby.  To that I said "fuck you."   I know my brain.  It would have adjusted.  It would have figured out what was going on, made the necessary adjustments, and gone right on doing what it's been doing for so long.  No, this time I needed something strong.  I needed to be sneaky.  I needed to be direct, powerful, take no prisoners!   In doing so, I screwed myself all up for a little bit.  In all honesty, while it sucked and was kind of scary, it was also kind of hilarious and entertaining now that I can look back at it and laugh.  And as the depression lifted some of its hold (but by no means all, don't throw a celebratory party just yet), and for the first time in I don't even know how long, I could go more than a few hours without that nagging pain dragging itself across my head and clenching my temples...   so too did the fog within my mind start to clear.  I began to see a little bit, and I began to be able to think again.

I came to a few realizations this past week.  Sitting at home -listening to the rain defeat my hopes of hiking through the woods outside- gave me time to hike within instead; to walk through the forests of my Self and really see what was going on in there.  Now that the fog wasn't quite so dense, I could take a gander at what had been hidden from me, what I had looked right past, and discover that in many cases the paths I thought would lead to my happy destination were instead leading me to dark, disturbing tangles instead. 

For awhile now I have been utilizing a couple of online dating sites.  I figured it would be a good way for me to meet new people, get out more, and kind of "liven things up a bit".
You should be giving me "that look" now.  
Instead, I was driving myself crazy.  People suck and my mind is still too fragile for that kind of shit right now.  I was setting myself up for constant self-criticism, self-doubt, etc...   Why aren't they messaging me?  Why did they stop messaging me?  Why the fuck did I get stood up?  Again?  This crap can really start making someone question their self-worth.  Hand that to someone who has already been questioning this for years, and you've got yourself heaps of trouble.  No wonder I had to medicate myself again.  I decided it was time to stop.  It wasn't worth it.  Yes, I've met some cool people.  However, they are very, very few comparatively speaking.  So on  a whim I deleted the accounts.  I don't need to continue to put myself through that over and over again. 

In doing so, I've had to discover and re-enforce in my mind the good traits I do have that I can and do bring to any kind of relationship I get into, whether it's romantic or not.  A good friend of mine sat with me and helped reiterate these and confirm them to me, which was helpful.

• I'm a good person.  I genuinely try to see the good in every single person, regardless of who they are.  I truly believe everyone has something good in them somewhere.  Even if they and everyone else doesn't. I'll find it.  Even if I think they are a ginormous douchebag, there's something.
• I give people way too many second and third chances because of this sometimes, but sometimes it turns out to be worth it. 
• I'm very open-minded and non-judgmental, which helps me to do the above-mentioned things.  It is not difficult for me to oftentimes not only see but understand multiple sides of a situation.  It doesn't mean I agree with it, but I can see someone's point of view and "get it".  
• Because of the open-minded and non-judgmental side of me, I form my own opinions of someone.  While I will take others experiences into consideration, I do not form opinions of someone without meeting them for myself.  We all get along with people in different ways.  
• I'm very easy going.  I do not mind my friends or partner hanging out with other people. I actually encourage it. I do have expectations and limitations (mainly for the partner, of course) as everyone does, but nothing I believe to be abnormal or obnoxious.  
• I'd like to think I'm somewhat intelligent and can carry on a decent conversation.  I may not be the embodiment of excitement, but I like to think I'm not entirely dull.  Besides, in the "partner" aspect, I have some favorites that seem to be popular.  :)  

That's all I can think of right now.

 So, instead of browsing the singles ads thinking I need a guy to make me complete and happy, I've decided that I can do that myself.  (gigglesnorts and crude comments appreciated and encouraged here.  ;)  )  Part of this is making it a priority to work on my exercise and diet again.  To help make this happen, and not peter out like usual, my daughter and I (as well as a host of friends) have signed up for the Color Run in August.  It's only a 5K, but a good place to start.  I got a 5-mile hike in yesterday, and 2.5 of it was mainly uphill.  It was a bit more difficult than I would have liked for it to be for me, but I made it in one piece, I can walk today still, and I enjoyed it.  There is hope for me yet I think.

While I would like to focus on only the positives in everything, I also understand that life is not always so, and I need to evaluate what is negative so that I can figure out what if anything I can do to help either change it or see if I need to get rid of it.  One of those things is the people I choose to associate myself with.  This one has always been extremely difficult for me, as I am a bit socially awkward as well as being rather introverted and not rather fond of people I do not know, so when I do meet someone I wind up considering a friend, it is hard when I begin to feel that maybe the feeling is not mutual.  It is also difficult because I feel that maybe I am sometimes a lot more demanding and intense than most people are in some aspects.  I have a very small group of friends that I care and feel very passionately for.  I understand that not everyone feels that way, so it's sometimes hard for me to distinguish between whether or not I am being shunned, or if they are just busy elsewhere.  This has always been the case for me.

Within these few friends, on rare occasion one will come along that  I will connect with on some deeper level.  I'm not talking romantically.  I will just feel more comfortable opening up to them.  I will feel safe with them.  Sometimes it's only in one area, sometimes it's on more than one.  Usually when this happens, the other person responds the same way.  So when they don't , it really throws me into a tailspin, because it rarely happens (both my responding to them and them not responding back), and I really don't know how to react when I open up to someone who I then realize doesn't really care. 

I don't know why I connect with some people like this over others.  I've found no real rhyme or reason.  Of course, it doesn't really happen enough for me to study it too much. For now I just need to continue to keep some people at arms length, and let those I've learned to trust continue to be my confidants.  They are enough. Maybe someday I will find someone I can open up completely to.  Wouldn't that be something?

While this break didn't wind up going the way I planned, it did clear away much of the fogginess that has clouded my mind for so long.  I'm able to see a path again, and while it may not be completely clear and smooth, it's faint and ragged and overgrown, it's there.  It's manageable.  And while being able to see my way again doesn't help to ease the pain that comes with what has happened to me, my feet have at least become unstuck from the mud that has kept me pinned in place for so long, and I can start moving forward again.

Crazy dreams again last night.   I seem to have this repeating kind of cycle.  They are not the same dream repeating over and over, just in the way they proceed.

Cycle one starts with a very intense nightmare... something lucid and extreme.  I don't remember the details of this one, but I remember the feeling of dread washing over me, the stuttering of my heart, the ice in my veins, as well as the anger of being put in such a position. 

The next cycle is me "waking up", and I start to tell someone about the dream I just had, but it's like I start to have a panic attack while telling them.  My heart races and I can't breathe.  The words won't come out.  I'm stuttering and I have to fight to say them.  I know that it's very important that I get across to them what happened, but suddenly I can't.  I don't know why it's so vital that I tell my nightmare to someone, but it is.

Cycle three is actually waking up, breathless, usually gasping the words in my sleep, forcing them out of me.  Then I realize it was a dream, and that I am actually awake this time.  I roll back over.

And the cycles start again.

I can even get up, walk around, go use the restroom, talk to someone, etc... and then go back to bed, and the cycles will still continue sometimes.  Not always, but sometimes.  It's really quite bizarre.  I'm guessing it's another one of the weird side effects of this new medication.  All of these little things are quite interesting to experience, really.  Other than being ill last week, which I think might be part medication/part cold, nothing has really been detrimental, just... bizarre.  It's entertaining, if nothing else. 

Sometimes I seriously think I'm losing my shit.  If you take some time to scroll through this blog, you'll see it mentioned often.  This isn't anything new.  Last night however, I got a pretty interesting visual picture in my mind to go along with this thought. 

I'm this big ass spider, but I must be some kind of mutant spider (in addition to my gigantic size.  Have you seen the movie by the way, it's pretty awesome in a completely awful way.  Go watch it.) because I had a bunch more than just eight legs.  I had like twenty.  Oh, and they were kind of obnoxiously long.  Anyway, I must have been pinned down because I couldn't move, and all of these legs were reaching and searching for all of the shits I  had lost.  I was seriously freaking out and flailing all of these crazy-ass long legs looking for all of my shits and couldn't find a single one. None of my shits were there to be found.  There were all lost.  Shit gone. 

On the bright side, maybe if they are lost long enough they will turn into fucks, and then I will have no fucks left either..... 

Depression sucks.  It's a constant battle of will.  It's fighting to stay strong but feeling oh-so-weak.  My arms are tiring; my feet are slipping..   It's struggling to decipher where the line of reality stops and where misconception begins.   Constantly analyzing Every. Single. Thing.  trying to figure out whether or not you are reading it correctly, or if you've crossed over that line into blowing-shit-out-of-proportion.   That line is so muddled and unclear. It's a chalk line in the dirt, except it's been raining torrential downpours for the past week, and now it's all muddy and mucked up.  You can tell where the relative area is, but as for whether or not you've crossed it is unclear.  Are you in-bounds or out-of-bounds?

I want my brain to shut the fuck up.  I'm sick of analyzing everything.  I'm sick of feeling like I don't matter, and that I'm not worth anyone's time anyway.  I'm just sick, always, literally.  It's maddening.  I've always been a bit of a drifter, and staying put is really not in my nature.  The urge to run is overwhelming.  As always, my kids keep me grounded.  I find myself telling myself that I only need to wait until they are grown and moved out.  But what am I waiting for?  What is it that my brain is thinking I'll be able to do once they are out of the nest?  That thought scares me.  I don't think I want to know the answer at this point. 

I'm trying to be strong.  I am well aware of what I suffer from, and the distortions it puts in my head.  It's so hard, though.  I'm just tired.  I want it to stop, and I'm getting to the point where I don't care how it stops as long as it stops.   I'm waiting for my insurance card to get here.  Then I'll make an appointment with my doctor.  Medicating myself again seems to be the only course of action at this point in time.  I need to get something to make the thoughts stop.  I need to start exercising and focusing on my health again, but I keep telling myself "What the fuck for??".  I need to stop that, too, I know.  I need to push through and just do it anyway.  I'm trying.

I'm tired.

I think I'm losing my fucking mind. 
And there's no drugs to blame it on this time.

I'd point the finger at the fact that I'm not feeling well today, enough so that I called out of work, but that would just be me finding a scapegoat and I damn well know it. I've been struggling with this for a while.  I was consoled by the thought that perhaps it was just the medication I was on for that week (an antibiotic that apparently is somewhat known for it's effect on one's mental health), however I know that if anything it only helped to heighten something that was already there to begin with. 

I went to a mental health class a few weeks ago- trying to give us some tips and tools while on the job for dealing with people who might be suffering from mental health issues.  There was one point early on where I almost got up and walked out.  Things were ringing too true to my own ears and I almost just couldn't stomach it anymore.  I know there's something wrong with me, but I just don't have the balls to reach out and actually try and get help for it.  I'm not sure what they could help with. 

I try hard to be a good person.  I try to stay positive, to think forward, to let go of things I cannot change, and to work on things I can.  I try to truly appreciate the things that I do have, and not dwell on the things that I don't. 

However, I can feel that darkness in me twisting and growing.  I can feel it clutch my insides, running it's talons within, scratching and tearing.  It would be so easy to just "let go".  To just let it do its thing.  To just not care anymore.  To not feel. 

I'm not even sure the things I'm fighting for are things I truly want or can even honestly have.  Not as in I'm not worthy or I am not good enough to get it... I just wonder if I'm even capable of some of this shit.  

And then others I'm afraid of taking too far.

Is this all vague enough for you? 

Ok, so that whole "100 Days" thing didn't work out so well for me.  I've started to notice that I don't do well with things when they start to become "required" of me- even if those requirements come from myself.  As soon as I try to start "making" myself do something, it's like my entire being rebels as much as possible.  I think my inner child is a tweenager. 

I recently discovered that I am possible seriously allergic to metronidazole.  Or at least I had many of the "severe" reactions that should have prompted me to discontinue the medication and call my doctor, had I known what I was experiencing was a reaction to the medication and not me losing my freaking mind.   I've highlighted the symptoms I experienced.

"Dizziness, headache, diarrhea, nausea, stomach pain, loss of appetite, constipation, changes in taste, and dry mouth may occur. If any of these effects persist or worsen, notify your doctor or pharmacist promptly."

I had headache (which I always have, so could have been unrelated), nausea (again, that's normal for me), changes in taste (that was weird.. I had a hard time even drinking water), and dry mouth.

 "Tell your doctor immediately if any of these unlikely but serious side effects occur: unsteadiness, seizures, mental/mood changes (such as confusion), numbness/tingling of hands/feet, painful urination.

Tell your doctor immediately if any of these rare but very serious side effects occur: eye pain, severe/persistent headache, sudden vision changes, stiff/painful neck, sore throat, persistent fever, unusual bleeding/bruising, severe stomach pain, persistent nausea/vomiting.

A very serious allergic reaction to this drug is unlikely, but seek immediate medical attention if it occurs. Symptoms of a serious allergic reaction may include: rash, itching/swelling (especially of the face/tongue/throat), severe dizziness, trouble breathing."

This is where it got interesting.  I'm going to copy and paste what I posted on my Facebook page.

"I have another story about something that happened to me today. It kind of freaked me out a bit, so maybe one of you out there have experienced it or something. I was sitting at the desk at work, already not feeling well (headache and stomachache). Suddenly I got this pressure in my right eye. The only way I can think of to describe it is that it felt like it bubbled up... like a balloon or someone blowing bubbles. It made me think of fish eyes. My vision got all distorted, and my head went all weird. It was like being in a kaleidoscope, complete with the turning. I blinked a couple of times, hoping it would clear, but it didn't. It got worse. I had to get up and go hide in the back room, close my eyes, and force myself to breathe calmly. After five or so minutes I was finally able to see enough to go back to work. I was honestly afraid for a bit there that I was going to have to go get someone to take me to the hospital.. I will say that, other than the preceding and following headache (it got worse after, for sure), it never actually hurt. It was just pressure but mostly that whole tilted feeling/vision. Yesterday I started to feel ill, and it came on sudden. I've felt crappy all day today (especially after aforementioned experience) and just feel 100% off-kilter.. I'm not sure what is going on... If it happens again, I will go see a doctor."

I'm not even sure which of those symptoms that covers, but I see things about vision changes, eye pain, confusion, etc... That whole thing freaked me the fuck out, to put it lightly.  I thought I was stroking out.  

Then, I actually had to call out of work on Monday, because I honestly thought I was losing my fucking mind.  I can't even explain why I felt that way, but my head was so unscrewed that I could not handle it anymore.

 Now, I'm sure that I already have enough mental crap going on in my head.  I picked a really messed up time to take that medication.  My emotional / mental state was already unsteady. Then I went and threw that on top of it, and holy shit.  I never, ever , ever want to experience that again.   I felt like I had been on meth for a couple weeks nonstop... so the twitchy, shaky feeling combined with the not sleeping or eating for days on end, etc etc.   It was not a good feeling at all.  To say that it was a relief to discover that all of the symptoms I was experiencing were most likely caused by the antibiotic would be like saying a Wizard of Oz style tornado is a soft breeze...

I realized on the last day of my treatment that I had a rash, and then noticed that I had been having trouble breathing (I noticed these before being made aware of the side effects of the drug).  It was like I could not take a full breath, and that my lungs just could not fill with the oxygen they wanted.  
 
So, take this as a public awareness notice-  if you get prescribed metronidazole and start going insane... call your doctor.  Chances are it's just the drug.   Or you might be going insane.  Either way,  your doc should probably be made aware.   

Surprisingly, I still made myself get onto my treadmill for at least 15 minutes of actual jog/run time most every day.  I did take the weekend off, but I don't feel guilty about that.  I've kept myself active, and gotten shit done.  I got all of my plants transplanted into their respective garden beds/ planters.  I've gotten the birdcage cleaned out and will begin my fairy house in it this week.  I'm getting outside and enjoying the weather when it's nice, and doing stuff around the house that needs to get done.  I need to be more on top of food, though, and getting my water drank.  I'm pretty sure I'm getting rather dehydrated. 

Five things I am grateful for:

1.  Being paid to walk in the sunshine and ogle gorgeous houses.
2.  Great coworkers
3.  Learning new things about my town.
4.  Finding great books that speak to me.
5.  Naps

What did I cross off my list today?
.
I took my measurements down.  After watching and reading quite a few reviews about that Javita coffee, I decided to go ahead and try it for a month or so.  I plan to remeasure myself at the end of the first box and see if there is any difference.

What did I do today that makes me happy?

I got to walk in the sunshine.  Sure- I was working, but it was so nice out!!

What made me laugh?


What new thing did I learn today?

That one of the houses nearby is the first house built in town.  Also that there are Native American graves (unmarked) in this little undeveloped area downtown.  Now I know why it's never had anything done with it


What physical activity did I do?

I also got to do quite a bit of walking (and stair climbing) for work today while we were out doorbelling.   I did walk to work, but caught a ride home.


How was my diet?

Not too bad.  I need to work on getting more water in me, though.


What inspired me?  Why?

The sunshine.  When you live in an area that doesn't get many days like this, you have to take advantage!

Last night was spent with a bottle of wine and crying myself to sleep.   It's amazing to me how I keep getting myself caught up in this shit.  I'm so guarded around people, specifically men.  My friends tell me I need to loosen up, let things flow, and let things happen.  I need to let down my walls and let people in.  However, whenever I do that, I'm quickly reminded as to why those walls are built so high around me in the first place.   Yesterday was a prime example.  Well, the past couple of days.

Regardless, I am not going to let it put a damper on me acknowledging what is still precious and good in my life.  I'm still going to acknowledge ways in which I allow myself to move forward.  I'm still going to smile and laugh and love those who have stayed by my side.   I let myself wallow last night.  I drank my wine (on an empty stomach), and I cried on a shoulder of a guy friend I've never met, but who "sat" with me the entire time and let me vent (through texts, but hey.. it worked).  I let it all out of my system.  I feel cleansed.  I expelled all (well mostly all) of that negative energy, and now I can let myself be refilled with positive energy again.  





Five things I am grateful for:

1.  Sunny days, even if weird people come wandering half-into my home.... =/

2.  Awesome coworkers

3.  Recipes that work.

4.  Sweaters

5.  A clean kitchen


What did I cross off my list today?
.
I got out and scrubbed the front porch, steps, and railing today.  It's not completely spotless, but it looks way better than it did this morning.

What did I do today that makes me happy?

Opened the door and curtains to let the sunshine and fresh air in, and took a nap.

What made me laugh?


What new thing did I learn today?

That if you take ripe strawberries, dip them into sour cream, and then dip them into brown sugar, it is freaking delicious.


What physical activity did I do?

Considering the fact that my arms still hurt from scrubbing the front porch, I'm thinking that counts as my physical activity.

How was my diet?

My breakfast consisted of a vegetarian egg casserole and fruit.  Dinner was chicken and homemade mac n cheese.  Not fantastic, but not dreadful.


What inspired me?  Why?

Especially in light of recent events, I sometimes have to remind myself that it is perfectly acceptable to walk my path alone without a mate/partner.  It doesn't make me any less of a person.  Some things just need to be done on my own.  This chapter (or perhaps the next few chapters) are solo.