~A Bitter Swallow~

I've been having this issue lately where my brain likes to wake me up with horrible thoughts and images.   Mainly it's waking up with my brain telling me horrible things about myself, or reminding me of things that I don't want to remember, or filling in the blanks on things that I really didn't need to know at that exact moment in time. I'm not talking about that sliding slowly up out of sleep, either;  I'm talking being almost violently startled awake by my brain practically screaming at me in a multitude of voices.  It's like a crowd of people come into my room, shove me awake, and just start yelling all at once.  Keep in mind that I wake up frequently throughout the night, and this also includes any naps I may take in my day.   This happens pretty much every time I wake.  It's made waking up pretty much my least favorite activity, and it already wasn't a favorite to begin with.

This morning was no different.  I woke up thinking about someone I would rather not think of.  I had not been dreaming of him or anything (at least not that I can remember).  To be honest I'm not sure what my dream had been, but I did not wake up upset.  I only remember my thoughts immediately drifting over to him, as if whatever my dream had been reminded me of him.  Whatever the case, this morning's thought was (as I had said) of someone I didn't want to think about, at least not right off the bat, and of course my mind always throws in all of the stupid shit that goes along with it.  However, on the heels of this came a realization, and this realization is what I really didn't need at 7:00am on a Sunday morning just as I'm dredging myself up from the throes of sleep.   My hope is that it will act more as a catalyst to healing though, and that it's appearance will not be for nothing.





My realization came while I was irritated that, almost a year later, not a single day goes by that I don't think of him in some way or another.  Then it dawned on me that the reason is because when I was with him, it was the last time that I felt truly happy.   It was the last time I would wake up excited to get out of bed, to embrace my days, etc., etc., fluff, glitter, rainbows, etc..  The more I thought about it, though, the more I remembered that wasn't really true.  That was how I wanted it to be.  I would wake up hoping it would be like that.  but the more I thought about it, the more I remembered the actuality of those days.  I remembered that there was a reason I ended it.  I came to the realization that while I think of myself being so happy during these days, it was only specific days that I felt that happiness.  Most of the days were not like that.  What I feel as love for him, is more a love for someone and something that I imagined in my mind.  He started it, and gave me someone to focus it on, but couldn't be the person to actually provide it.  So I made up the rest in my head.  I made up a pretty story, and sometimes it would happen, so I would latch on to those pretty moments, but the majority of it was not.  The remaining part wasn't bad, it just wan't there.   However, being with him and feeling what I did and what I still do in that short amount of time that we were together made me realize that I am actually capable of feeling that.  It made me realize the actual depths that those feelings are able to go.  Those are feelings that I had long believed myself impossible of feeling, and to have myself breach such depths in such a short amount of time- it makes my knees weak to think of what I would be capable of if it was left to continue and develop further.  To think that someday I may find someone who feels that same way about me?  It's incomprehensible to me.

I think that's why it's been so hard for me to let go, or get over it, or whatever you want to call it.  I have tried. I've tried so hard, and I've been so good about doing it in a way that is controlled and not self-destructive. I've even continued to go on dates and meet other people.  It's just that I haven't met a single person that I connected with in even remotely the same way.   How do you get away from someone who found a way to take up residence in your head?  When you've written this beautiful story, but it's all stored in your mind?   It's not even like this whole thing is detrimental to me.  It's just ... so fucking frustrating!  (Please don't tell me to write it out- I've too much I already need to write out! Of course, maybe that's exactly what I need to do, because gods know I need something to get my ass writing again! )


 I've actually made some huge headway in my own self-development and realizations about myself that I am proud of.  I'm taking things in stride.  I'm taking this in stride (I have coffee now, so the whole 7:00am wake up call is a little easier to not throw everything at the walls and flip the bed).  It's one more thing to turn over, analyze, take apart  and put back together again.

I do feel myself slipping, though.  Not so much into a bad place , at least not so far as I can tell.  I may need to stop accepting so many social obligations for a bit though- allow myself a bit of hibernation for a time.  I don't mean a total seclusion, just a slight pulling back.  It can be time to spend in the garden- cultivating, planting, tending, weeding, pruning, and growing.....


                       (and if it's before I normally get up, the coffee and bacon better be brought to me in bed...)

    I guess it's been awhile since I've updated anything here.   I'm in an okay place, lately.  I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm "happy", or even really "content", but "okay".  I've finally come to a point in my life where I've been able to let go of (most of) the negative energies in my life, and focus on the positive.  If not the positive, at least in keeping things neutral. It became apparent that the way I feel about my life and my situation(s), etc.. would change only if I changed the way I actually viewed it.  I had to change the way I approached it, the way I looked at it, and the way I perceived it.   I'm still in the process of figuring out what I need and want, in order to achieve those "content" and "happy" states on levels consistent enough for me to label myself as such.  In the meantime, "okay" is perfectly acceptable to me.  It's much better than where I've been at for most of the time.

  I recently read a well-written article about how we can actually rewire our brains- that it is a scientific physically possible thing to do- simply by the way we think.  All of that fuzzy, new-agey stuff about mantras and such were actually onto something.  You can read the article HERE.   I 100% suggest you do.  While I had actually already started doing the things it talks about on my own, and had already started to make those deductions and connections,  the article came across my path at a pivotal time, verifying those ideas and assuring me that I was on the right path and making the right decisions. 

Things at work are looking better.  I had come to a point where I really felt like I had plateaued and had reached the end of my usefulness.   I didn't really see where my future would be, which was really distressing for me, since I love the library and the people that I work with.   Not very many people know, but I had applied for another job a couple of months ago.  I was not really sure whether or not I actually wanted it, but the starting wage would have consisted of at least a $4/hour increase, so I figured it was worth at least checking out and seeing what they had to offer. 

As soon as I submitted my resume, I began having panic attacks.  Something about the whole thing just sent up red flags and felt wrong.  I don't know if it was guilt (even though I was only wanting to talk and see what they had- nothing was set), or something more simple like a fear of change, etc. (although that is not at all what it felt like).    I went ahead with the interview.  I've always been pretty good in interviews.  I've been able to answer questions, speak relatively well and talk about myself.  However, during this one, I completely froze.  I could not think; I couldn't remember anything.. it was embarrassing and made me have the beginnings of a panic attack right in the middle of it.  All I wanted was out of there.   What was even stranger about the whole thing was that I had already pretty much decided that I wasn't going to take the job.  They would have had to offer me something spectacular.  I had already come to the conclusion that the money wasn't worth what I would be giving up.  I suppose I'll never know why my brain reacted the way it did for that, but the entire experience made me realize that I am okay where I am, and that a little more money right now is not what I want.  The long-term happiness and contentment with my workplace and the people I work with is what is more important to me. 

As a side note- Just recently, at my annual performance evaluation, we went over the goals they have in mind for me for the next year (and beyond).  I have to say, it fits right in with where I want to be, and I'm pretty excited about it. 


My dating life is still pretty dismal.  It's confusing.  Part of it is my reluctance to open myself up again.  As pathetic as it makes me feel, I'm still reeling from the last one.   I don't know why.  It's been almost a year now.  We weren't together long enough for me to still be feeling the effects of him and us, but I am.   I was naïve.  I'm still naïve.   Things  hit me when I least expect them.  Little feelings or memories.  I should have stopped things between us sooner than I did.   Then again, there's this part of me that fears the problem is that I shouldn't have stopped it at all.  That the reason I'm still not completely over it is because I ran, again, and never gave myself closure.  I didn't see it through.  I should have let it run its course.  There is nothing I can do about it now, except for over-analyze myself and my actions over and over.  Try to learn and move on.   The moving on part is proving difficult however, since I cannot seem to find anyone that I'm keen on.  It doesn't help that my stoic attitude towards the whole thing makes it hard to let people in, for them to get a read on me (because typically there isn't one), and then they also just give up and move on.   I'm told I'm still too picky, that I need to give guys a longer "chance".  I'm trying.  I really am.  I just tend to feel like I'm wasting mine and everyone's time.

  Don't get me wrong-  I don't feel like I need a guy in my life.  Sometimes I just think it would be nice to send him out to do the heavy lifting in the yard, or massage my shoulders when they hurt.  ;)    However, I have gotten to the point here where I just don't want to deal with any of it anymore.  I figure whatever will be will be, and whatever won't, won't.    It is taking too much of my energy to worry about the whole "dating" thing right now.  I have other, more productive things to spend that time and energy on, thankyouverymuch.  :)


I'm staying social, as much as it exhausts me.   Seriously- it makes my stomach drop sometimes when I look at my calendar and how much is on it.  I get tired just looking at it, and want to just cross it all off, toss the bra, crawl into my pajamas, veg out on Netflix and not deal with anyone (other than my kids) for the rest of the month.  LOL   I'm sucking it up and putting myself out there, though.  I'm accepting invitations, and following through:  birthdays, baby showers, various "stuff" parties (think Partylite and Pampered Chef), random outings to bars and dinners, celebratory events, etc., etc., etc..  I'm still not initiating anything.  Don't hold your breath for that.

So, this is me, being all Zen and shit.   Or at least trying to be.  Maybe it's more like All Of My Fucks Have Been Given And I Have Zero Left.   Either way, I'm in a pretty mellow place, and I didn't even have to drug myself to get here.  I just had to (let it go)





(except the grades part... My grades actually did bother me... lol)

I don't want to do this anymore-  this whole "life" thing.   I just don't.  I'm so over it.  I'm done.  I'm ready for it to be finished.  I'm ready for the next chapter.  And if there actually isn't one, well, I'm ready for that, too.

I will.  Live, that is.   Because I have to.

But I don't want to.

I've been in such a shitty mood all day long.  I don't know why.  I woke up this way.  I crawled out of bed on the same side that I always do, so I can't use that excuse.  From the moment I opened my eyes this morning, though, my nerves have not only been frayed, but I'm pretty sure they are being electrocuted.

I have no real emotion I can put my finger on to explain how I'm feeling. I think it's just such a mod-podge combination of so many that it's formed this gigantic heap of chaos in my head, and it's just started to overwhelm me.

 Maybe it's because it's my day off, and I don't have to do anything or think or really be "present" anywhere, that my mind and body have decided it has the ability to just release some of the steam in the form of intense aggravation and irritation.  This nervous, restless annoyance that oddly enough just makes me want to bury myself in my cave of blankets and sleep it all away.  Not even Netflix.  Just sleep.  Escape to some other world in my head.  Let the magic of dreams do its job of filtering and organizing and whatever else that dreamland does to process some of this crap.  I must say- they can get rather, interesting, when I'm in this state.


I don't want to talk to anyone.  Well, I take that back.  In an odd twist,  one person keeps popping into my head as being one I would really like to see or talk to today.   Alas, he no longer talks to me, so there will be no comfort in that.     Instead, I shall just continue to bury myself in my blankets and limit my association with the human race (or even feline race, since they are faring no better in my wrath) for the remainder of the day.  I may branch out and hit up Netflix, since one can sleep only so much, and my crafting projects I wanted to attempt have already been worked on as much as they can be for the time being.  I'd cook, but I forgot to go to the store and that now requires pants and a bra, and fuck that.

It's that time again;  time for us all to make promises to ourselves that we will break within the first month or two of the new year, right?   The dreaded "New Year Resolutions".

I stopped doing those a long time ago.   It always just made me feel worse and worse as each year would roll around- watching yet another year go by and I hadn't done what I had said I was going to.   I still make lists of things I would like to accomplish, however, I do not set them in stone.   They are just goals I strive toward.  As each year passes, I find that I may need to make them a bit more realistic; a bit more manageable, or I may find that I'm kicking ass and getting those big goals taken care of.

 Sometimes I just make a long list of shit I'd like to have happen, and see how many I can get crossed off in that one year.   It's not logical to think that all of them would get crossed off.  So just getting more than one accomplished is a feat.   If you work with me, you might have noticed how much I enjoy crossing stuff off of my lists.   LOL

Some of you may have already seen this on my Facebook page.  The picture above is my "resolution" for this upcoming year, 2016.   Me.   I'm my resolution.  It's time.  It's time to honestly focus on myself and get my shit in order.  Straighten myself out, all around.  In 3D:   Physically.  Mentally.  Spiritually.

I made lists of goals I'd like to accomplish this year.  I tried to keep them valid and attainable.   Some I will probably need help with,  I'll need to figure those parts out.  I've taken each of my goals and separated them according to which category I feel they are going to help me balance-  my physical, mental, or spiritual well-being.  The ultimate goal is that by investing the time in re-balancing myself, it will help me become a better mother, daughter, sister, friend, and maybe at some point in the future, partner/lover.


So without further ado, I will list my goals as they stand now.  I list them for you all to witness so that you may judge me, accompany me, encourage me, laugh at/with me, assist me, or disregard me as you see fit.   I may or may not add to them as I see fit.  As I accomplish them, I will strike them out.   That is the part that makes my dark little heart patter with glee.


Physical:

Up my daily water intake.  Right now I average probably a measly 1-2 liters a day.  I'd like to double that, at least.

Start menu planning and stick with it.  Pizza nights need to be pre-planned or far and few between.  Vegetables need to be a main part of every lunch and dinner.

Morning smoothies need to be a thing again.

Take my vitamins every day.  I need to make sure I take my regular meds as well.  5 huge pills and 3 regular pills suck, but they make me feel better and keep the migraines at bay.  Laziness here is just plain stupid.

Make exercise a daily habit.  It would be easier if I had someone to tell me what to do, because I'm simply retarded in this area, and Google is just information overload to the extreme.  Not to mention leaving me to my own devices usually winds up with me huddled under my blanket on the couch with Netflix.   However,  finding a video or two and forcing myself to do them at home is just going to have to become a mind over matter issue.   I've been eyeballing that PiYo system.

Yoga.  Get back into yoga.  Find a way.

Start walking to work again.

Spend some time every evening stretching.



Mental: (this will be the long one)

Get financial issues in order-
    Pay off Capital One card
    Pay off car
    Pay off orthodontist
    Pay off smaller cards
    Pay down other two cards

Get Daemian's driver's license

Get Rhiannon's driver's license

Figure out the Microsoft Office issue on the computer, and then get the certificate

Figure out schooling stuff

Clean out the house/purge-
   Go through crafting stuff
   Go through other half of downstairs
   Go through my bedroom
   Go through books
   Clean up under porch / concrete area
   Go through kitchen cupboards
   Go through hallway closet
   Daemian's room
   Rhiannon's room
   Stuff above Daemian's computer

Finish my damn book!

Learn how to knit



Spiritual:

Start keeping a dream journal again

Get more connected.  Walks in the woods, on the beach, etc...

Embrace the holidays more.  Even if it's just something small like baking something, creating a craft, reading a story..

Become more of the kitchen witch I am.   Start stockpiling supplies as I can so I can start creating, plan the herbs, etc.. for this season, research and learn.

Try and attend a couple of ceremonies or events this year.

Meet new people (maybe at those ceremonies/events!)

  I'm really feeling it tonight:

The lonely
Cast aside
Forgotten
Insignificant
Broken
Not good enough
Not strong enough
I'm not enough

I dream
I hope
I wish
I grasp
I cling
I let go
I sacrifice
I strangle
I choke

I try
I try to be what I want to be
It's just not enough

I try
I try to be what others what me to be
It's still not enough

Nothing is ever enough
I'm not enough

  I'm not in a good place tonight.   My mind has wandered to places dark and bleak and seems to have set up camp.  I've tried the normal tricks to pull it back out to lighter, happier, or at least less scary places, but it is not falling for them this time around, and will not be swayed to leave.  I don't like it when it goes to these deep dark places.  The thoughts and images there are heavy and dripping with a finality that is a bit terrifying in their seductiveness.

  It would be so calming to no longer dredge these depths.  Or to have to pull myself up and force myself to skim shallow, donning the various masks for whichever occasion, hoping that one day the mask will just become real and maybe that content feeling will actually be honest instead of one of those stupid mantras I try to convince myself will one day come true if I just repeat it often and believe hard enough.  If I keep putting out that positive energy- it's bound to come back my way.   I think I've just pushed too much out and haven't left any to find its way back.

My brain has such a good way of reminding me of all the stuff wrong with me.  It would be easier to say reminding me of how little is right.   It likes to point out the numerous flaws, the many fantastic ways in which I have failed at life so far, and how it doesn't look like I'll be "winning" anytime soon. How my personality makes it so easy for people to walk away from me without a second passing thought, even if I'm over here dying inside.   It likes to point out that if I were to disappear right now... not very many people would notice or care.  It really likes to throw that in my face.  That one is its favorite.

So, I sit here and fight with it.  I tell it to fuck off.  I tell it I don't care.  It continues to push buttons and I look like a lunatic to the AA (or NA, I'm not sure which) people across the street while they see me through my window having an argument with myself.  Because yes, I argue - out loud- with myself.  Both sides.   Sometimes I think that straight-jacket and that padded cell sound like such a nice retreat.

In the battle of me vs each day, today has definitely won.  I've not had a good day today.  Maybe it's just because I've been battling this stupid cold for two weeks now, and I'm getting worn down, but today got the best of me.  My mood is sour and I'm just reminded of how much I don't matter in the real gist of things.

People will ask one another: "What is your biggest fear?"

Well, outside of the obvious "losing a loved one", mine has always been being alone, with no one caring about me.  Being forgotten.  A footnote in the background. That I don't matter.

 However, I've actually been living my worst fear for awhile now.  It's a terrible feeling.  Gut wrenching.  I think that in all of the people I know, I can count on one hand how many people truly give something of a shit about me, and that's with fingers to spare.  That's also including my kids.    


I'm not saying this to make anyone feel bad.  I'm not putting it out there to garner pity, or false attentions, or  even consolations that I am mistaken.  I am simply stating how I feel..

I continue to try.  I put myself out there.  I face each day.  I interact with people.  I try to forge relationships with people, even though I know I'm bad at it.  But fuck, I try.  I'm getting tired of trying, though.  I mean really, what's the fucking point?  I think maybe I should just make peace with the whole being alone thing.  I've already been forced to face the fear, so might as well cozy up to it and become pals.  It's obviously not going anywhere anytime soon.

   Well, we're a bit into November now, and so far I think I've been doing pretty well with this "season".   I've had a bit of a set-back with the migraines, but I know those are going to be a work-in-progress for awhile, so I'm not too surprised about that, and am keeping my thoughts positive and hopeful that eventually things will balance themselves out in that area.  The fact that my doctor prescribed a vitamin regimen (B2) to add to my current medication dosage instead of more drugs is a pleasant surprise, and I'm hopeful that it will help.  It was a bit of a bummer to hear that once the migraine takes hold there isn't really anything to be done other than sleep, quiet, darkness, etc...  Nothing is really going to help alleviate the pain or other symptoms.  I would rather not be put on a bunch of drugs if they aren't really going to help, though.  More natural alternatives I am much more fond of trying out.  I did forget to bring up massage therapy, and maybe even chiropractic.  However, I go back in three months, and that will give me time to see what all my insurance covers, etc.. so I can discuss it with him with more knowledge in hand on what I'll maybe actually be able to even afford to do.  I'm even considering that pressure point piercing...

  The depression hasn't been too bad so far.  I still have my moments of downness.  It catches me at the oddest of times;  moreso during the daytime hours than at night it seems.  I'll be walking through the library, standing doing the dishes, driving down the road,  or waiting for the oven to heat up, and something will hit me;  A memory of some way in which I inevitably fucked things up again, or just thoughts about how I am just not good enough in one way or another in my life.   It's like a punch to the gut.  It actually doubles me over sometimes, and I have to fight to keep the tears back.  But fight I do, and so far I'm winning.

  I was out with some friends the other night.  One was discussing a gentleman he wants to set my sister up with.  He sounds like a great guy, and I'm actually pretty excited to see if they connect.  I'm so hoping she finds someone, because she is SO WORTH IT!  Not that she needs a man, but she deserves to be spoiled and I want her to be happy.

But then our friend looked at me and said he didn't know "what kind of guy" to look for for me.   Someone I love very, very much told him not to bother; I cannot remember exactly how she worded it, but pretty much stated that it's not going to work for me to be set up, or for me to search for someone... that it's going to take someone just walking into my life unannounced..     She didn't mean it in any sort of derogatory way.  It simply is what it is, and I think she's 100% correct.

 I just have this void in me; this numbness or emptiness.  I just don't seem to connect with people "in that way".  I can't seem to form bonds. I meet people and go on what seem like should be great dates, but just feel nothing.  I "shut people out" and "don't give them a chance", is what I've been told.  Maybe they're right, but I feel like I shouldn't fake something that isn't there. 

  Only certain people have what it takes to flick that switch and ignite that spark in me.  I never know who it will be.   I have no "type".    There are just these strands of energy in me that suddenly light up, that reach out and grab onto a person.  Or perhaps it's more the other way around;  that person's strands reach out and grab mine.  They grab them and light them all up, turn them all on- these strands that normally lay dormant in me.  The neurons start flashing and firing, and suddenly there are all these.... "feelings".   It happens fast.  I usually know right away when this person comes into my life;  within a month or two. They usually scare the shit out of me.  It causes so much confusion in me.   It's hard to process all of it.  I don't know how to read it, or what to do with all of this sudden influx of information and emotion. 

The last time this happened was pretty devastating to me.  I handled it badly.  That's an understatement.  I handled it epically horrible.  It left me raw, bleeding, wounded, scarred and still not completely healed.  I thought I would come away from that cold.  Steeled.  With walls so high and unmountable that no one would ever stand a chance of breaking through again.   I don't want to feel like that again.  It was so painful, and it was only the beginning.  Had I let it progress any further... I'm afraid to think of what would have happened.

A strange thing happened though. . I let my wound stay open, I let myself continue to bleed.  I let myself stay just a little bit vulnerable.   I grew.   I came to the realization that I could never get over this if I didn't learn how to deal with it.  If I kept walling myself off, it would only make things worse.  I can't deny the fact that my heart wants to feel these things.  It wants to open itself up to someone.  I can't hide myself away from that, because doing so only makes it a million times worse when it sneaks up on me like it has.  It makes me make bad choices.  It makes my fight or flight instinct kick in, both which have terrible consequences for me.  The thought of putting myself through that potential pain of heartache makes my stomach turn in and of itself, but what I really need to do is learn how to deal with the actual feelings themselves.  How to stop running from them, how to accept them and let them develop, how to let them grow even though they terrify me.  It's the fear I need to get over.  Yes, the fear of potential rejection, pain, and loss, but more importantly, the fear of letting myself be vulnerable, be so open and exposed to someone, to letting someone inside my walls.

  I know it's not going to be easy.  None of it:  Not dealing with the migraines, dealing with the depression, learning to allow myself to feel emotion, allowing myself to open myself up to vulnerability, or even finding that someone to open myself up to again.  I'll just have to take one day at a time and deal with it when it happens.   I have to keep that channel open.  I have to allow those vines to feel their way out, to find that person it connects with and stop stifling it.   Stop stifling myself.

  Just, next time, it would be nice if those damn vines would connect with someone who feels the same way, pleaseandthankyou??   :)