~A Bitter Swallow~

 I've been trying to destress myself lately.  I've been having a really hard time letting things go and focusing on the positives.   At a previous trip to Barnes and Noble, I bought a "Don't Stress the Small Stuff" workbook.   There is a quiz inside to gauge how much we focus on stressors.  I got the "lowest" stress score.  The same thing happened on another "stess" quiz I took. 

  This amazes and scares me at the same time. 

It amazes me, because I absolutely cannot get myself to relax, or get my mind to shut off.  I also don't feel like I really have a good outlet for venting a lot of this stuff.  It's too personal, and I don't want to just make things worse.   So, all this crap bottles up inside of me.  Unfortunately, this bottle isn't very strong, and leaks spring up all the time.  Usually I can tape it over, or maybe use a little clear nail polish to fill them in.   But, it's not going to hold forever.

It scares me, because if I'm at the "You rarely stess the small stuff" category, then I cannot even fathom what those in the "You let the small stuff get to you too often" go through.  

I don't pretend to have huge issues.  I know people who have serious illnesses in their family life.  I know of homeless people, abused people, people who lose loved ones, etc... and I am not one of those people.  I know that I should be more thankful for the things I do have, and I do try.  I'm just not very good at it.  This just leads me deeper into that stress- that depression- because it makes me feel like a horrible person that I cannot.   I know I need to make changes- in myself, in my lifestyle.  Things that might help me find that peace that I want so badly.  It is hard to know what changes are a step in the right direction, and what will lead me deeper down.   It's hard to balance what I want with what is finacially feasible. 

A week or so ago, I began a bucket list to help me focus on the "big" things I want.  However, for this quest, I think I need to be a bit more focused; more detailed.   Get right into the nitty gritty of every aspect of my life and my being, and dig into it.  Find what I really want, and what I think I really need, and what I think will help get me there.