~A Bitter Swallow~

I think I thought-vomited in my brain a little bit...

Thought-Vomit

My brain is constantly mumbling and muttering to itself. Sometimes it screams. Sometimes what it has to say is interesting enough to make note of, or is adamant enough that it must come out. I'll put that stuff here. :)
Thursday, June 9, 2011

What are some memories?

   My daughter had to do a writing assignment detailing her life from birth to present.   She sat asking me about her past, what we did,  special memories, etc...   And I couldn't remember anything.  The more I sat and watched her hopeful expression the more like an asshole I felt.  Here she was wanting all those cool moments in time, and there was nothing for me to express.

  Well, nothing positive.  There were plenty of "bad" memories.  But no "good" ones.  No vacations, no special occasions, and anything else that happened, I couldn't remember.  It makes me feel absolutely horrible. 

  I want to change that, but I just can't afford it.   And now, I have to weigh that with my own desires.  I really, REALLY want to be a stay-at-home mom.  I always have.  This whole working thing was suppose to be temporary.  But, it's not looking like it's going to end anytime soon, and that's screwing with my mental health.   However, if I ever want to be able to take my kids on an actual vacation, I can't stop working.  I have no idea when Dustin is going to go get a job, and unemployment isn't going to last forever, so I have to make sure I have some kind of stable income coming in. 

  I want to give my kids those special memories.  I want them to be able to point to specific moments and saw "That was amazing!".  

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