~A Bitter Swallow~

  I got this idea from viewing these two sites:  Dave Lowe Design and Before After .

I have a few old books lying around here.  Weird, I know.    I wanted to try with a random hardback book I had, but also had my old "Earth, Air, Fire, & Water" book by Scott Cunningham that had pretty much been read to death.  After being thumbed through umpteen-thousand times by not only myself, but also my son, it was hanging on by just a few strands of old tape.  I was hoping maybe this could extend it's life a bit longer. 

You will need a book, a paper towel or two depending on the size of your book, water, paint brushes, Mod Podge, paint in at least 2 shades, a hot glue gun, various things to glue to the book.

My Scott Cunningham book I first strengthened up by hot gluing a discarded Pasta Roni box to it, painting it to cover the wording,  then proceeding with the rest of the steps.

Next.. add the design.  For Scott Cunningham's book, I just drew the wording on with hot glue and let it dry.  For the other hard-backed book I hot-glued on some little toys I found at Walmart (as per Before After's suggestion), cutting them to the design I wanted.  I straight up copied her design, since it was my first go and I just wanted to get the basic idea of what to do down before branching out with my own ideas.







This next part is the one I had some difficulty with.  You are to take one of your paper towels, dampen it, and then smoosh it into all the nooks and crannies, making sure to outline your designs well.  First (on the skeleton book) I Mod Podged the book first, then added the towel.  DON'T DO THAT. It was disastrous.   Eventually I got it all on there, but it was a huge pain in the rear, especially around so many little nooks and crannies!  

On Scott Cunningham's book, I used the idea of dampening the towel, laying it on, then Mod Podging over it.  That worked better, but still left me with a lot of air pockets to deal with.  I'm sure I was going a bit quicker than I was supposed to, but that's me for ya. 

The next attempt I make, I think I will have a dry paper towel, and then use a paint brush to moisten it into the cracks and crevices, and then Mod Podge over that. 

You want crinkles in there though.  Once dried and painted- that's what is going to give it that old cracked leather look.






The hardcover book I let dry before applying the first coat of paint, but the Scott Cunningham's book I used Dave Lowe's suggestion and painted right away.  Both worked out really well for me, and I could see how the end product would become. 

As you can see- I used black on the hardcover, and purple on Scott's.


Let them dry. 


If needed, apply a second coat.  I did not find that necessary.

Then, grab your accompanying paint.  I chose a silver metallic for both.  Using a dry brush and a light touch, apply the second paint.  The idea is to get all those raised edges, as well as highlighting the nooks and cranies.   I went a bit too heavy on the skeleton, though I am still overall pleased with the result.  I bought a new brush that you just kind of use to dab, and will try that one out next time. 

Otherwise, this is how they turned out:










You can really see how the silver picked up those cracks and made them stand out.   The paperback book I used is a bit water-wavy, but I'm hoping that changing the way I put the paper towel on there will help with that.  That, and having more brushes to use.  I was having to use the same paint brush, so it was still wet from being rinsed of paint.  That's more of my impatientness showing though.  I just stuck it under a few books for a night and it's more evened out now.

So there ya go. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did, and have fun with it.

  I am in one of those periods in life where I can tell things are coming to an end.  What those thing are, I'm not sure.  However, I just have that sense of doors closing; of chapters ending.  I can hear the quiet click as the lock slips into place; can hear the sigh as the page is turned down and the book is closed for the night.  It is not necessarily a bad feeling.  I just feel a bit lost;  Disconcerted. 

  This time of year is the one I feel most adequately represents my mind.  When the fog rolls in thick and heavy, blanketing everything with its obscurity.  It is both frightening and comforting at the same time.  Who knows what is lurking within the swirling mist.

 Later on the fog will roll back, revealing the bright, crisp blue sky.  The air holds a bite, perfect for wrapping a sweater around your shoulders and going for a walk.  The trees alight with vibrant color. 

It is also the time of year where I once again begin to retreat inside of myself.  It is a time of tuning inward.  Spring is a time of clearing out the clutter in your home.  For me, Fall is the time of analyzing all of that clutter in my mind and trying to make sense of it all.  To rediscover- take out and dust off those old relics.  Get rid of the garbage.  Sometimes it's hard to let go of that garbage.  To discard those old things that have been bumping around in there for so long.  How will the space function without it?  How will it feel?  Some of those things have been there for so long, it seems they have grown root.  They must be dug up, pried out.



I don't mind the cobwebs, though.  The dust and spiders are a bit comforting to me.  Is that bizarre?  Perhaps.

Lately I've been trying to picture my "perfect place".  The ultimate "Where do I want to be?".  My mind keeps conjuring the same image:   I am at a cozy cottage.   The front of the house faces the ocean.  The lawn has an overgrown path leading down to the beach.  The house is surrounded by gardens;  all of it used for some purpose, whether it be for food or medicinal purposes.  There is a chicken coop out back, and a variety of fruit trees.  Behind and to the sides of the yard are dense woods.  There are no neighbors nearby.  The beach in front stretches on each side... rocky outcrops extend out into the water every so often.. perfect for standing on while the waves crash against them, spraying me with their sea spray.





It is always the beginning of Autumn in this picture.  The weather is still reasonably nice.  There is enough of a chill wind in the air to wrap a shawl around my shoulders as I sink my feet into the sand for a walk along the beach, and to start a fire in the hearth upon my return to heat up a nice cup of tea or cocoa.  I can sit on the front step and watch the fog roll in, to watch the storms whip the waves up into frenzies.  To watch the birds swoop and dive for their dinner.



I am always alone in these visions.   It is okay.

What does this mean?  I am not sure, other than I am pretty sure that I am supposed to be near the sea.  I never really felt that before, but I do now.  This past year it has been pretty clear to me that I need to have the ocean nearby.  I believe it symbolizes both the calm and cleansing part, as well as the chaotic, dangerous side.   It is both within the same.  Two sides of the coin.  I often feel like I am the same.  I am both dark and light; good and evil.  I embrace the both.  I always have.  Perhaps I am drawn to the sea, because it too embraces both aspects of the yin and yang. 

To make up for my overall general sense of dismay, I decided to spend my time crafting today.  Here are some photos of what I got done.  There are still more projects in the work, but are awaiting parts.  =)



Paper towel or toilet paper roll stuffed with wadded up newspaper (for stability), hot glue, and paint.  Wallah!  "Dripping" candles.  Add a battery powered tea light for "flame".  

This one also shows some paper roses I made a few months back.


While perusing the Goodwill the other day, I found an old wooden coffee mug holder.  I brought it home, gave it a couple coats of black paint, and hot glued some skeletal hands to it, thus creating my own jewelry holder.  Here it holds a necklace I made last year.


Last Halloween-time we bought some mini pumpkins, that apparently got lost in the chaos that is mine and my daughter's crafting area.  I found them today while cleaning up and reorganizing (that was a huge chore, I'll have you know).  They had completely dried out.  I figured they could use a coat of paint to "freshen" up.

  Last night as I was getting ready to go to bed, I got a message on Facebook from one of my kids' friends.  This is what it said:

  I did a numerology chart today, just for shits and giggles.  Much of it I agree with, however a lot of it makes me sound MUCH more confident that I really am.  I'm also pretty lazy, so that's affecting some of my great potential.  I'm starting to think maybe I should become the next Pope or Dali Lama.   I'm born for it.  ;)

If you want to try it out, go here:  http://www.123numerology.com/?hop=vitan1

 Here's what my numbers say about me:

What Does Your Life Path Say About You?

Your tendency to live for today and not for tomorrow is a blessing as well as curse for you as you journey along your life path. The drawback of this is that you are easily distracted from your responsibilities....

You are creative, expressive and blessed with some type of talent that is guaranteed to put you in the spotlight at least once in your life. You have an upbeat personality and others find you easy to identify with. You also have the potential to become the symbol for an entire culture or generation. Many beloved entertainers, columnists, movie stars and inspirational leaders in the world are number 3's.

Your creative and performing talents are also augmented by your astounding ability to understand and empathize with others. You are the number that knows how to "give the people what they want." For this reason many of you also end up in sales or advertising as your innate charm enables you to "sell ice to an Eskimo."

You often rise to the top of any career that you choose but the old cliche "it's lonely at the top" also applies to you. This is because threes are often fated to be loved by many but not by one special other. However most as most 3's are naturally philanthropic and giving of their hearts, many are quite satisfied with the mass attention and social popularity that is often part of their life path.
In fact, the highest attainment of your life path is the polishing and perfecting of your talent and sharing it with the world. Unfortunately as you do so you may find yourself leaving a lot of broken hearts along the way. A challenge for many 3's is also not to become too jaded about love.

As you are very independent and light on your feet you may have a problem finding a life partner that understands your ambitions or that is willing to share you with so many other people. Even if you don't achieve fame, 3's tend to be at the very center of their community and enjoy a thriving social and love life. In fact having too many romances during one lifetime is very characteristic of a 3.

As you always put talent or career first you might also find yourself to be the odd person out in a number of love triangles during your life. Usually this is because a career calling forces a 3 to abandon a partner who cannot keep up with them. Sometimes their fast-paced lifestyle does not offer them the time to cultivate a relationship. For this reason you also might find your relationships to be more unorthodox than others might; finding soul mates who are already attached or that are much older or much younger than you.

As you have a very spiritually sophisticated view of life you embrace change without the fear that is experienced by most of the other numbers. Often this causes you hardships financially, as you are the number that is most willing to gamble or take a big risk to launch a new project.

You are capable of making large amounts of money, but also capable of spending it all just as fast. As you are not very materially minded you are not necessarily concerned about this but your carefree attitude about money often alarms your family and business associates.

Your tendency to live for today and not for tomorrow is a blessing as well as curse for you as you journey along your life path. The drawback of this is that you are easily distracted from your responsibilities.

The rare number three that is not successful in life has probably lost his or her focus. The positive aspect of this tendency to live in the here and now is that you rapidly bounce back from any type of misfortune and like a chameleon have an uncanny ability to reinvent yourself throughout your life time.

What a Number '9' Expression Says About You

You are very warm and friendly and almost all that meet you are immediately impressed by your gentle and kind personality....

The ultimate height of your personal expression in life is the chance to offer to others. You are spiritual in a very practical way and others are often drawn to your empathy and compassion. You work well with people of all ages but you particularly delight in inspiring creativity in children and young adults. For this reason you make a fantastic teacher, counselor or psychologist.

Others trust you implicitly because you are so kind, considerate and consistent. You are often the one that is still there when everyone else has abandoned someone for being a "lost cause." You are an extremely loyal and dependable friend.

You are a very intuitive individual who is deeply connected to others in a spiritual way. Many nines are prophets, healers and psychics. If you are not psychic then at the very least you are deeply drawn to studying matters of the occult or religion in some way. As you are so driven by your intuition, you are not often found in a day job but rather in an occupation that allows you to go where your heart leads you.

As others don't understand your idealism you might suffer a great deal of skepticism or criticism in your life. While very young you may have learned to cloak your personality in eccentricity so that others don't take you seriously. You may have also gained a great deal of weight or developed a disability that gives you the excuse not to have march in step with the mass population. Often these illnesses and personal problems exist in order to eventually to jumpstart a leap on the spiritual path to enlightenment. Your trials and troubles often eventually qualify you as a "wounded healer" by the end of your life.

You are very concerned with the issue of how to express unconditional love. This is a very troubling concept for you as it is difficult for you to accept that one could love another so much and get no cosmic reward in return. It is often part of a number nine's life expression path to be stuck with a difficult soul mate or experience a lot of rejection. This is the universe's way of forcing you to connect with others on a spiritual way rather in a way that is lustful or possessive.

Love is the most important thing in the world to you but you often have problems finding a soul mate. Many nines do not make good parents because they are too driven by impulse to be a consistent presence in a child's life. Your partner or lover may also find you frustrating because you live so much in the present and rarely think of the future.

You are very warm and friendly and almost all that meet you are immediately impressed by your gentle and kind personality. As the last thing anyone could ever call you is shallow, you sometimes don't pay that much attention to your personal appearance. Also putting other's priorities ahead of your own often leads to a great deal of self-sacrifice. One of your challenges is to make sure that you take time out to take care of yourself and your surroundings.

Creativity and art mean a great deal to you and many of you are great poets, musicians and artists. Art is an ideal way for you to express your love of harmony and the divine order of the universe.

Now, Let's Examine Your Soul Urge
(also known as your "Heart's Desire")

We have already done all the mathematics necessary to work out this number. It is simply the total of the top row (the vowels) of your full birth name.
In your case Thaydra, this totals 22.


You have the highest soul calling of all of the numbers, as it is the call to transform the world permanently and for the better. Usually you are born with all of the tools that you need to accomplish this including a stable personality, intelligence, courage and charisma.

Even if you are born into very humble circumstances, you will usually transcend them to become a great leader, diplomat, builder or religious figure. Usually the cosmos has you born into poor or deprived circumstances so that you spend your childhood knowing the worst and familiarizing yourself with the needs of the common people. This is a necessary part of your soul's development as knowing the worst is how you will gauge what kind of change is needed to facilitate the most effective and positive change for the future.

Although you generally strive to make everything as perfect as your utopian dreams and ideals you are not bitterly disappointed when they do not manifest. This is because you realize that human beings are not god like creatures that do not make mistakes. To you making a mistake is an occasion for learning or making lemonade out of lemons.

Others often sense your warmth and understanding of humanity. You have the rare ability to make others feel emotionally secure. They know that your ultimate aim is to make them as happy as possible. Your ethical but strategic approach to political matters also makes you a valued ally of wealthy people. Often the cosmos smiles on a twenty-two by sending them a wealthy partner to fund their projects. Your diplomacy and charisma also makes you the perfect political liaison or diplomat.

You are the happiest when everyone else is happy and don't rest until your humanitarian goals are achieved. This does not always take place on the corporate or political stage. You are the one that is also found teaching a disabled child to read or reading a book out loud to a blind person.

One way that you could possibly go astray is to become fanatical or maniacal in your political or spiritual beliefs. Some twenty twos become convinced that they must destroy the world to create heaven on earth. The unfortunate thing is that many of these twenty-twos do actually have the power to effect change by tearing down existing societies and political structures. The result however is that they often destroy themselves in the process and rarely live to see the beneficial effects of their actions (if there are any).

Depending on the circumstance of your leadership, you may also find yourself in the position of having to judge another's soul or fate. Although you do not necessarily enjoy it, sometimes life offers you conundrums that put you in the position of having to be a stern disciplinarian or even of being the one who decides if another must live or die. This is part of your path, which that demands that nothing that you do must be done in a small way.

To check a tendency towards becoming overly dominant, it is very important for you to adopt a religious program or spiritual study that allows you to connect to your higher self or a higher power on a regular basis. This not only keeps your ego in check but also reminds you of mankind's higher spiritual purposes. Perhaps the most healing thing for your soul is simply to read out loud the words of ancient texts as these writings resonate very strongly with the noblest aspirations of your higher self.

  Everything has become awkward.  Circumstances and predicaments that were once making me smile (and maybe even giggle) now are weird and distant.  There is tension there that wasn't before.  All because my stupid head won't screw on straight.  I keep putting myself into impossible situations, even though I know that it will hurt me.  I don't know why. 

  There are certain people I want to reach out to, but cannot, for other obnoxious reasons (and awkward circumstances and impossible situations).   Why do I continue to lock myself in this pit?

Fuck it.  I give up.  I'm done.

  Ok, I've been a bad girl, and haven't been posting my thankfuls.  I have been doing it my head throughout the days, though, I promise!   So, here I am, coffee in hand, migraine in my head, with time to spare before work, so I figured I'd have a go at it.  :)


1.  My daughter's modesty.   She is going to a dance tonight, and chose one of her old dresses to wear.  When she tried it on last night, she discovered it comes to mid thigh, not knees as it did before.  So, she's wearing a pair of shorts underneathe.  =)  

2.  Real coffee.  After a few days of drinking instant coffee, regular drip coffee tastes like I imagine Heaven would.

3.  Getting my trellis made.  This also covers having awesome friends to help me and to let me use their supplies, equipment, and knowledge of how to do it.  (Welding).  Now I can get my squash planted and hopefully actually get a harvest this year.

4.  My paycheck.  I was getting really down to the wire in terms of food in the house, etc...  While I really still don't have any money, I at least have the option now of picking and choosing what gets paid for/bought and what has to wait longer, instead of only having the wait option. 

5.  Massage therapists.  I need to schedule an appointment with mine.  Unfortunately, I also need to end my membership there, but at least I can get a few more in beforehand.

6.  Good neighbors.  My neighbor is always on top of making sure we are kept in the loop in goings-on in the neighborhood, especially if it concerns our safety.

7.  The new Stephen King book that arrived in the mail.  =)

8.  Pre-ordering on Amazon.   It gives me enough time to forget that I did so, so then I open my mailbox and it's like random present time! 

9.  My glasses.  I don't like wearing them, but at least I can see!

10.  Socks.  They keep my feet warm.  :)

Today I am grateful for:

1.  The simple act of being able to lay out a blanket and lounge in the sun while reading a book.  One of my favorite things to do.

2.  Gardening.  There is something so deeply satisfying on multiple levels.  I never wear gloves when gardening (heavy gardening, such as pulling blackberry vines I will, but not normal weeding, planting, etc).  The feel of my hands in the dirt, the earth under my nails, is soothing and rewarding.

3.  Taking a walk through the woods.  Breathing that fresh air, even if it's next to a busy road, is healing.  Threading my way through the underbrush and through the moss and trees just has a way of reconnecting to Nature that not much else does. 

4.  Getting rent paid.  One less thing to worry about. 

5.  Cookies.  Pudding cookies.  Because, yum.

6.  Not feeling guilty about eating said cookies, and still feeling relatively good about myself.   I've been good about keeping up on my exercise, and striving to put better food into my body, so when I do eat those cookies, I don't stress over it.

7.  Nail polish.  Sometimes it's hard to get all the dirt out from under my nails, no matter how hard I scrub...

8.  Bird song.  It has much the same effect as walking through the woods.  If I close my eyes and just listen to them, I find their song can lift the tension from my shoulders and allow me to just live in the moment for the time.

9.  The smell of fresh-cut grass. Nothing says "Summertime" quite like the sound of a lawn mower and the smell of a freshly mown lawn.

10.  Cameras.  I love taking photos, especially candid shots and shots of random stuff. 

Ok, so technically today is the 4th, and I forgot to post my gratitude list yesterday.  So, I will do it this morning while I drink my coffee.  =) 



1.  I'm thankful for having one day of coffee left.  Not sure what will happen tomorrow morning, but after getting very little sleep last night... I'm thankful that I had coffee left for this morning.

2.  Streaming newscasts.  My mornings would not be nearly as calm and routine when I don't get to listen to/watch the news while drinking my coffee.

3.  Youtube and Pinterest.  They are how I get my morning workout in easily every (most) morning.

4.  Music.  It is such an emotional conduit for me.  Whatever emotion I am getting overwhelmed by, I can release it without causing damage to other people or things.  hehe

5.  Needle and thread.  I think I might have saved my daughter's favorite pair of jeans.  We'll see if it holds. 

6.  My blender.  Green monster smoothies.  Enough said.

7.  Blogger.  It lets put this list out there, where I feel more obligated to keep up with it, and since I'm on my laptop anyway, it's easier to sit down and get it done. 

8.  My cat.  He's a freaking hilarious little zombie kitty.  Cracks me up. Makes up for all the vomit and hairballs he decides to leave for me to step in first thing in the morning..or afternoon, or evening..

9.  Modern medicine.  As much as some of the technology out there really makes me cringe, the level of our ability to heal is a magical thing in my eyes.   (I'm listening about the 2 year old with the flesh-eating bacteria... poor baby.)

10.  Kids. They are just so stinking cute.  Unless they're not.

So, as promised, I am back for ten more things.  Now is a good time for it, too, as I'm feeling rather blue today. 

1.  My treadmill, so that I can run the angst out when it starts to get overwhelming.  Also, because I do actually enjoy running (jogging), and since it's inside, weather is NOT an excuse! 

2.  $5 pizza at Papa Murphy's.  The kids love it, and it doesn't break my bank (even when I spend my absolute last $5 on it). 

3.  Clean, running water.  Because I seriously need my shower and my drinking water after all that running. I'm kind of a neat freak as far as showering, often taking two a day.  Don't worry... they are super quick (we're talking 5 minutes, people).

4. Sunny days.  I'm solar powered, I'm pretty sure.  Honestly... give me a sunny day and I will show you productivity.  Otherwise I'm probably still in my jammies laying on the couch either sleeping or reading.  Not that reading isn't freakin' awesome.  I just have other shit that needs to get done, as well.  :)

5.  Books- for letting me easily travel between realms, worlds, and time. 

6.  Movies- for the same reason.

7.  Ditto for video games, just on another level.  They are also very good for blowing off some steam.

8.  Rain.  Yes, I went there.  Living in the Pacific Northwest, I tend to get sick of it.  However, without it we would just be another drab area.  The rain is what gives us our beautiful forests, rivers, lakes, etc....   Plus, I also absolutely LOVE the smell outside after a good rain.  It's also helpful to my plants, as I tend to forget to water them.... O.o

9.  Rainbows-  after the rain, they are there to remind us that a good cleansing can bring about ethereal beauty.   They remind me that tears can still be followed by hope and smiles.

10.  A working washer and dryer... because.. seriously....  

  I recently picked up a copy of "The Magic" by Rhonda Byrne from the library.  Not my usual cup of tea, but the snippet on the back tugged at some old heartstrings buried deep within my bosom, so I brought it home with me and flipped through it.  Here is what the back says:

"Remember when you were a child and you believed that life was magical?  Well, the magic of life is real, and it's far more breathtaking, awe-inspiring, and exciting than you ever imagined as a child.  You can live your dreams, you can have anything you want, and your life can touch the stars! Come with me on an unforgettable journey for 28 days, as we discover how truly dazzling our lives can be."

I know... a little cooky and new-agey in that dripping, sappy sort of way.  However, I do remember when I was a child and life was magical.  I remember how magical it stayed for a long time.  I don't know exactly when it started to fade, or when I started to become too jaded to still see and feel that magic, but I know its absence has left a deep, hollow cavern in my soul that is sucking the life out of me.  I need to refill it.   I figured, if I could get through the hype and the chalkboard scratching, over-the-top "Atta Boy!" feel of the new-agey books, then maybe I could use it as a tool to help me regain that lost magic. 

It does read like an infomercial.  I do admit that.   It's full of exclamation points and the sense that you absolutely cannot live a happy, successful, satisfying life without this!   That said, I think she's right.  You can't.  I say this, because the product she is pushing is gratitude.  I mean, seriously, have you ever met a person who was truly happy who wasn't grateful for something?  How can you truly be happy with something if you don't appreciate it??   Of course, we immediately think of material things when we think of appreciating what we have, but look beyond the tangible and take a broader view.  All of Life itself... how wondrous is it?  How beautiful and magical?  


I decided to give her 28-days a shot.   What could it hurt?   I am not going to chronicle each step here, as some of it is too personal and is only for me to mull over.  Some I will share perhaps, but not everything.  For that, go pick up the book and flip through it yourself.  That said, the first step she proposes is that every day, you write down ten things you are thankful for in your life, and why.  Whether it be something as broad as "my job" or as little as "the chocolate bar I had after dinner".   Many of my items will probably overlap a bit, as more detailed moments of gratitude are acknowledged alongside broader scopes of gratitude.  That's okay, though.  The idea is to think about it, recognize it, acknowledge it, and then truly be thankful for it.   

So here are my ten things I'm grateful for, and why.  Today's list is very broad and encompassing, as well as obvious, as I imagine most lists start out as: 

1.  My kids.  I've spoken of this so very often on my blog, as well as in real life.  They are the most important thing in my life.  They keep me grounded when I want to fly away.  They are what keep me making better decisions, not just in my care for them, but also in being a positive role model for them. 

2.  My family.  They are my foundation; my roots.  They are nearby, and I know will always be there for me.

3.  My friends.  Same as my family. 

4.  My health.  Not just in general, but also the fact that I've decided to take charge of it, both physically and mentally.

5.  The health of my loved ones.  Pretty simple here.  I have seen the heartache and stress having a loved one with health issues can impart, and so far I have been blessed with the happiness, health, and safety of those closest to me.

6.  My job.  Not only does it provide me with money to help pay for the cost of living, but I actually enjoy what I do.  After working a couple of jobs that I loathed, the fact that I love my job is still fantastic!

7.  My coworkers.   My job would not be nearly as satisfying if it were not for the fact that I work with a fabulous team.   They are all considered a friend as well as a coworker.

8.  My community.  I adore where I live.  I do not worry about our safety.  The kids have a good school, and great friends.

9.  Shelter.  I have a roof over my head, which is more than many can say.  It may not be "ideal" but it is better than other places I've lived, and much better than nothing at all.  It has space for us, and my landlady is attentive, patient, and understanding.  Its location is also perfect.

10.  Coffee.  My mornings would not be nearly as nice without it.  ;-)


So there you go.  I plan to do this every day for the entire month of June.  So, if you see I miss a day, throw stuff at me, and call me names until I post it!   And hey... it will also force me to write every day, which I need to do anyway.  =)  

I'm having a really hard time this go-round.  It is all so much more difficult to cope with.  I feel like I am falling apart.     You know when you pick up a great big stack of laundry, and pieces keep falling, and every time you bend over to pick it up, even more falls out of your hands, until eventually you give up and just throw the whole stack down and go find a laundry basket?  Yeah, I can't find my laundry basket.   I'm trying to just take it over in smaller handfuls, but there is just so much, and the washer is so far..

I feel like I have never made a good decision in my life. I mean, I know I've made a couple.  I have my children.  They are the one thing I can look at and know that I've made at least two positive choices; that I did do at least one thing right in my life.  They are my saving grace, and the one thing that keeps me going.  I have a job that I enjoy, although I'm worried that my job is being threatened by my current state of mind and current state of life.

I'm in a rut, and the walls are too slick and the well too deep and all my attempts at clawing my way out are only digging me deeper and deeper down.  It makes me sick to my stomach when I have to borrow money from my kids to go buy milk and bread; when their friends can't come over because I won't be able to pick them up or take them home; when they show me they need underwear, socks, or new pants because theirs are all ripping in areas that can't just be mended....  I try to keep a smile on my face and not let them see my tears.  I try to keep up this strong persona and project the image of "everything is going to be alright".  I don't want to show them my weakness.  I don't want them to see how desperate I feel; how pathetic I've become. 

The depression is sucking the motivation out of me.  I find it harder and harder to get out of bed.  I can find no joy or comfort in things that use to give me either one or the other.  I have no energy to exercise, or even bother making dinner or working in the yard.  I force myself to do them, because they need to get done, but more and more I'm just letting things go. 

I need more hours; more money.  I don't want to go anywhere else, though.  I'm concerned that going elsewhere, even as a secondary position/job, is going to interfere with the job I'm at now, and eventually push this one out.  I don't want that to happen.  I also am so terrified of winding up once more with a job that I loathe.  I don't want to resent work.  I don't want to resent working.  I don't want to absolutely dread getting up and going in.  My mind frame is already fragile.  Something like that could just be the end.  I don't want to feel like money and things are more important than the health of my mind, but at the same time, not doing it is making me feel worthless.  I am just hoping something comes up that will work.  It all just feels so hopeless, though.