~A Bitter Swallow~

After recent events and revelations, I have decided that I will no longer be posting on this site.  I just no longer see a point to it.

  I feel like I'm balancing precariously on the edge of a precipice.  I'm hovering over this great big void.  I don't know what I'm trying to accomplish.  I don't know what I'm trying to reach towards, nor do I know what I'm trying to avoid falling into or what I'm desperately climbing away from anymore. Should I even be running?  I'm stuck in this limbo, poised on the blade waiting to see which side claims me.. where my balance will falter to.  Where will I lean? 

I'm alienating myself from everyone.  At least that's how it feels as of late.  Consciously or subconsciously I'm doing things that cause them to pull away, or I pull away until they no longer make the attempt.  I'm retreating back into my isolated cave, where the walls stifle the noise and I can rest in the still silence.  The chaos is dimmed, and I no longer have to try and decipher masks, be it theirs or my own. 

There are crevices in here though, and I'm stuck on one now-hovering. 

Thoughts drift in and back out of my mind.  Questions as to why I do the things I do.
Why do I talk to the people I talk to?  Why do I want to talk to the people I want to talk to? Why do I avoid others?  What do I want to achieve with myself?  What am I fighting for?  What is it that I really want?  How do I obtain it? What makes me truly happy?  Why aren't I doing that? What can I do to obtain that? Why do I bother?  Is it even possible?  Is it worth it?  Is anything worth it?     What would happen if I just let myself plummet?  If I just took the dive?  Is it suicide?  Is it release?  Is it acceptance?  Is it allowing myself to finally realize my potential?  What awaits me at the other side?

So many questions.  So many thoughts.  Sometimes it's a quiet contemplation. Sometimes it's a manic quest for answers that leaves me a wretched sobbing mess balled on the ground.  Always it ends with me standing there, balanced on my precipice, looking over the edge, squinting above me, searching for an indication as to which way to go.  I have a feeling the next move I make will be important.  Or it may be utterly inconsequential.   Until then...  I hover, and I contemplate. 

   I haven't had the best of luck when it comes to men in my life.   This is no secret.  I know I'm not the easiest person to handle.  I have a tendency to push people away- to build walls out of my fears and anxieties and let past wounds bleed the grout that keeps them tall and strong, keeping other people and feelings at bay.   Because of this, I know that with time, people just don't want to deal with it anymore-  that I am no longer worth the trouble.  I can deal with that.  It's understandable and I can accept that. 

What I've been finding myself running into more recently though (the past year or two), are people who just completely vanish with no warning.  I'm not talking about the relationships that just kind of dwindle away, but instead come to an unexpected, abrupt end.  I'm talking those people you meet who when you see their name come up, you instantly smile, you are instantly comfortable with, the conversations that seem to just flow-  tons in common, able to talk about anything and it feels natural not forced, consistently easy-  and then all of a sudden they are gone.  It's been to the point where I am seriously concerned that something dire has happened, but no... all signs (social media, etc..) point to them just cutting off communications with me.  This has happened not only with people who I have only been talking with for a short time (week or so), up to people I have been corresponding with for quite some time (years).   Some I have met in person and some not.  Some I had come to consider actual friends.  Then, with no warning,,,poof... gone.  No warning, no explanation, nothing.  One day we are chatting like everything is swell, and (literally) the next day they are gone.  It's so sudden and jarring and I'm not really sure it's actually happening until a few days, a week, etc.. have passed and my attempts to make contact continue to go unanswered, and then I'm ready to admit that I've once again been stranded with no reason (at least none provided). 

I am not too proud to realize that there is one blaringly common denominator in all of these situations, and that is me.   I've tried going back over all of the previous conversations to see if perhaps I said something that might have been taken wrong, or something... but there is nothing I can see that could have provoked such drastic measures.   I'm still floundering, trying to figure out what has happened in each case.     I'm left with my imagination, the sting of a lost friendship (and in some cases what I thought/ hoped may come to more), and another brick in my wall of "trust gone awry".  A thing I've been trying desperately to break down.  I'm still doing my best to not hide behind it, to trust people and know that somehow, they have their reasons for what has been done, even if I do not know the truth of it.  To trust that someday, someone will stick around.   It's a bitter pill to swallow, though, and man, that sucker is big.  



I'd just like to know why.   That's all I want.  What happened?  Why does it keep happening?  What is it that causes them to just disappear like that- so sudden?  It would be one thing if it was a gradual thing.  I understand that things die off.   It's the suddenness of it that is getting to me.  Something that I think is going just fine is just cut off.  It's more than just a Band-Aid being ripped off- you at least know the Band-Aid is there and is about to be torn off.  You know a pain is coming.  This is like being blindsided by a bus when you are on some backwoods country road and didn't see another vehicle coming for miles.    Is there something I am doing wrong?  Is there something about me that is all of sudden coming out and is repulsive to people- so much so that they can't even confront me about it?  I mean, seriously... what the actual fuck?   It's flabbergasting.  If it was just one or two guys it wouldn't bother me so much, but when you start having to use both hands to count them, shit is getting ridiculous.

Oh well.  As confusing, frustrating, and sad as it is... all I can do  is just continue to move on.  I'm not going to fight for someone who doesn't want me in their life; especially someone who doesn't even have the decency to at least say good-bye.  After my repeated attempts at communication go ignored and I take finally realize and take the hint-  I'm done.   I'm not going to sit here and berate myself, nit-picking to find every flaw and negative thing about me any longer than I already have.  I've worked hard to move away from the self-depreciation and into self-acceptance.  I'm not going to say I'm "happy" with myself, because anyone who knows me or has followed me long enough knows about my depression issues, but I am also not going to change for anyone either.  I've gotten to a point where I am content enough.  If I  decide I need to change something about myself (like trying to be nicer and happier, dammit, along with the whole 'be healthier' kick I've been on), it's going to be for me, not someone else.  If someone feels like I'm worth sticking around for through that, then awesome.  Otherwise, I have enough negativity without them.  I'm more interested in surrounding myself with positive energies at this junction in my life.  While I'd like to know the answers to my questions, I also realize I just may never know, and I suppose I'm okay with that.  Here they can sit, purged from my brain (which is the whole intent of this blog), and now I can move on to something more productive this weekend... like Orphan Black,  various movies, perusing and attempting recipes from this awesome little book:  The Geeky Chef Cookbook, walking in the damn parade,  and pendant making. among other things...  ;)

I've been having this issue lately where my brain likes to wake me up with horrible thoughts and images.   Mainly it's waking up with my brain telling me horrible things about myself, or reminding me of things that I don't want to remember, or filling in the blanks on things that I really didn't need to know at that exact moment in time. I'm not talking about that sliding slowly up out of sleep, either;  I'm talking being almost violently startled awake by my brain practically screaming at me in a multitude of voices.  It's like a crowd of people come into my room, shove me awake, and just start yelling all at once.  Keep in mind that I wake up frequently throughout the night, and this also includes any naps I may take in my day.   This happens pretty much every time I wake.  It's made waking up pretty much my least favorite activity, and it already wasn't a favorite to begin with.

This morning was no different.  I woke up thinking about someone I would rather not think of.  I had not been dreaming of him or anything (at least not that I can remember).  To be honest I'm not sure what my dream had been, but I did not wake up upset.  I only remember my thoughts immediately drifting over to him, as if whatever my dream had been reminded me of him.  Whatever the case, this morning's thought was (as I had said) of someone I didn't want to think about, at least not right off the bat, and of course my mind always throws in all of the stupid shit that goes along with it.  However, on the heels of this came a realization, and this realization is what I really didn't need at 7:00am on a Sunday morning just as I'm dredging myself up from the throes of sleep.   My hope is that it will act more as a catalyst to healing though, and that it's appearance will not be for nothing.





My realization came while I was irritated that, almost a year later, not a single day goes by that I don't think of him in some way or another.  Then it dawned on me that the reason is because when I was with him, it was the last time that I felt truly happy.   It was the last time I would wake up excited to get out of bed, to embrace my days, etc., etc., fluff, glitter, rainbows, etc..  The more I thought about it, though, the more I remembered that wasn't really true.  That was how I wanted it to be.  I would wake up hoping it would be like that.  but the more I thought about it, the more I remembered the actuality of those days.  I remembered that there was a reason I ended it.  I came to the realization that while I think of myself being so happy during these days, it was only specific days that I felt that happiness.  Most of the days were not like that.  What I feel as love for him, is more a love for someone and something that I imagined in my mind.  He started it, and gave me someone to focus it on, but couldn't be the person to actually provide it.  So I made up the rest in my head.  I made up a pretty story, and sometimes it would happen, so I would latch on to those pretty moments, but the majority of it was not.  The remaining part wasn't bad, it just wan't there.   However, being with him and feeling what I did and what I still do in that short amount of time that we were together made me realize that I am actually capable of feeling that.  It made me realize the actual depths that those feelings are able to go.  Those are feelings that I had long believed myself impossible of feeling, and to have myself breach such depths in such a short amount of time- it makes my knees weak to think of what I would be capable of if it was left to continue and develop further.  To think that someday I may find someone who feels that same way about me?  It's incomprehensible to me.

I think that's why it's been so hard for me to let go, or get over it, or whatever you want to call it.  I have tried. I've tried so hard, and I've been so good about doing it in a way that is controlled and not self-destructive. I've even continued to go on dates and meet other people.  It's just that I haven't met a single person that I connected with in even remotely the same way.   How do you get away from someone who found a way to take up residence in your head?  When you've written this beautiful story, but it's all stored in your mind?   It's not even like this whole thing is detrimental to me.  It's just ... so fucking frustrating!  (Please don't tell me to write it out- I've too much I already need to write out! Of course, maybe that's exactly what I need to do, because gods know I need something to get my ass writing again! )


 I've actually made some huge headway in my own self-development and realizations about myself that I am proud of.  I'm taking things in stride.  I'm taking this in stride (I have coffee now, so the whole 7:00am wake up call is a little easier to not throw everything at the walls and flip the bed).  It's one more thing to turn over, analyze, take apart  and put back together again.

I do feel myself slipping, though.  Not so much into a bad place , at least not so far as I can tell.  I may need to stop accepting so many social obligations for a bit though- allow myself a bit of hibernation for a time.  I don't mean a total seclusion, just a slight pulling back.  It can be time to spend in the garden- cultivating, planting, tending, weeding, pruning, and growing.....


                       (and if it's before I normally get up, the coffee and bacon better be brought to me in bed...)

    I guess it's been awhile since I've updated anything here.   I'm in an okay place, lately.  I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm "happy", or even really "content", but "okay".  I've finally come to a point in my life where I've been able to let go of (most of) the negative energies in my life, and focus on the positive.  If not the positive, at least in keeping things neutral. It became apparent that the way I feel about my life and my situation(s), etc.. would change only if I changed the way I actually viewed it.  I had to change the way I approached it, the way I looked at it, and the way I perceived it.   I'm still in the process of figuring out what I need and want, in order to achieve those "content" and "happy" states on levels consistent enough for me to label myself as such.  In the meantime, "okay" is perfectly acceptable to me.  It's much better than where I've been at for most of the time.

  I recently read a well-written article about how we can actually rewire our brains- that it is a scientific physically possible thing to do- simply by the way we think.  All of that fuzzy, new-agey stuff about mantras and such were actually onto something.  You can read the article HERE.   I 100% suggest you do.  While I had actually already started doing the things it talks about on my own, and had already started to make those deductions and connections,  the article came across my path at a pivotal time, verifying those ideas and assuring me that I was on the right path and making the right decisions. 

Things at work are looking better.  I had come to a point where I really felt like I had plateaued and had reached the end of my usefulness.   I didn't really see where my future would be, which was really distressing for me, since I love the library and the people that I work with.   Not very many people know, but I had applied for another job a couple of months ago.  I was not really sure whether or not I actually wanted it, but the starting wage would have consisted of at least a $4/hour increase, so I figured it was worth at least checking out and seeing what they had to offer. 

As soon as I submitted my resume, I began having panic attacks.  Something about the whole thing just sent up red flags and felt wrong.  I don't know if it was guilt (even though I was only wanting to talk and see what they had- nothing was set), or something more simple like a fear of change, etc. (although that is not at all what it felt like).    I went ahead with the interview.  I've always been pretty good in interviews.  I've been able to answer questions, speak relatively well and talk about myself.  However, during this one, I completely froze.  I could not think; I couldn't remember anything.. it was embarrassing and made me have the beginnings of a panic attack right in the middle of it.  All I wanted was out of there.   What was even stranger about the whole thing was that I had already pretty much decided that I wasn't going to take the job.  They would have had to offer me something spectacular.  I had already come to the conclusion that the money wasn't worth what I would be giving up.  I suppose I'll never know why my brain reacted the way it did for that, but the entire experience made me realize that I am okay where I am, and that a little more money right now is not what I want.  The long-term happiness and contentment with my workplace and the people I work with is what is more important to me. 

As a side note- Just recently, at my annual performance evaluation, we went over the goals they have in mind for me for the next year (and beyond).  I have to say, it fits right in with where I want to be, and I'm pretty excited about it. 


My dating life is still pretty dismal.  It's confusing.  Part of it is my reluctance to open myself up again.  As pathetic as it makes me feel, I'm still reeling from the last one.   I don't know why.  It's been almost a year now.  We weren't together long enough for me to still be feeling the effects of him and us, but I am.   I was naïve.  I'm still naïve.   Things  hit me when I least expect them.  Little feelings or memories.  I should have stopped things between us sooner than I did.   Then again, there's this part of me that fears the problem is that I shouldn't have stopped it at all.  That the reason I'm still not completely over it is because I ran, again, and never gave myself closure.  I didn't see it through.  I should have let it run its course.  There is nothing I can do about it now, except for over-analyze myself and my actions over and over.  Try to learn and move on.   The moving on part is proving difficult however, since I cannot seem to find anyone that I'm keen on.  It doesn't help that my stoic attitude towards the whole thing makes it hard to let people in, for them to get a read on me (because typically there isn't one), and then they also just give up and move on.   I'm told I'm still too picky, that I need to give guys a longer "chance".  I'm trying.  I really am.  I just tend to feel like I'm wasting mine and everyone's time.

  Don't get me wrong-  I don't feel like I need a guy in my life.  Sometimes I just think it would be nice to send him out to do the heavy lifting in the yard, or massage my shoulders when they hurt.  ;)    However, I have gotten to the point here where I just don't want to deal with any of it anymore.  I figure whatever will be will be, and whatever won't, won't.    It is taking too much of my energy to worry about the whole "dating" thing right now.  I have other, more productive things to spend that time and energy on, thankyouverymuch.  :)


I'm staying social, as much as it exhausts me.   Seriously- it makes my stomach drop sometimes when I look at my calendar and how much is on it.  I get tired just looking at it, and want to just cross it all off, toss the bra, crawl into my pajamas, veg out on Netflix and not deal with anyone (other than my kids) for the rest of the month.  LOL   I'm sucking it up and putting myself out there, though.  I'm accepting invitations, and following through:  birthdays, baby showers, various "stuff" parties (think Partylite and Pampered Chef), random outings to bars and dinners, celebratory events, etc., etc., etc..  I'm still not initiating anything.  Don't hold your breath for that.

So, this is me, being all Zen and shit.   Or at least trying to be.  Maybe it's more like All Of My Fucks Have Been Given And I Have Zero Left.   Either way, I'm in a pretty mellow place, and I didn't even have to drug myself to get here.  I just had to (let it go)





(except the grades part... My grades actually did bother me... lol)

I don't want to do this anymore-  this whole "life" thing.   I just don't.  I'm so over it.  I'm done.  I'm ready for it to be finished.  I'm ready for the next chapter.  And if there actually isn't one, well, I'm ready for that, too.

I will.  Live, that is.   Because I have to.

But I don't want to.

I've been in such a shitty mood all day long.  I don't know why.  I woke up this way.  I crawled out of bed on the same side that I always do, so I can't use that excuse.  From the moment I opened my eyes this morning, though, my nerves have not only been frayed, but I'm pretty sure they are being electrocuted.

I have no real emotion I can put my finger on to explain how I'm feeling. I think it's just such a mod-podge combination of so many that it's formed this gigantic heap of chaos in my head, and it's just started to overwhelm me.

 Maybe it's because it's my day off, and I don't have to do anything or think or really be "present" anywhere, that my mind and body have decided it has the ability to just release some of the steam in the form of intense aggravation and irritation.  This nervous, restless annoyance that oddly enough just makes me want to bury myself in my cave of blankets and sleep it all away.  Not even Netflix.  Just sleep.  Escape to some other world in my head.  Let the magic of dreams do its job of filtering and organizing and whatever else that dreamland does to process some of this crap.  I must say- they can get rather, interesting, when I'm in this state.


I don't want to talk to anyone.  Well, I take that back.  In an odd twist,  one person keeps popping into my head as being one I would really like to see or talk to today.   Alas, he no longer talks to me, so there will be no comfort in that.     Instead, I shall just continue to bury myself in my blankets and limit my association with the human race (or even feline race, since they are faring no better in my wrath) for the remainder of the day.  I may branch out and hit up Netflix, since one can sleep only so much, and my crafting projects I wanted to attempt have already been worked on as much as they can be for the time being.  I'd cook, but I forgot to go to the store and that now requires pants and a bra, and fuck that.