~A Bitter Swallow~

Anyone recognize the name of Anna Jarvis ? If you are celebrating this day, you should remember it. Ms. Jarvis is the founder of mother's day. She gave a memorial for her own mother on May 12th, 1907, and embarked on a mission to create a day special to mothers. She chose for it to be celebrated on a Sunday so that it would be a "holy" day, and on the 2nd Sunday in May, since that was when her own mother passed. Seven years later, in 1914, her goal became nationally recognized.



Anna Jarvis soon became embittered by the holiday she had created. It did not take long for this "holiday" to become emersed in the same commercialization as many of the other holidays. What was meant to be a celebration of Mom became just another push for companies to market their wares, and the thought that in order to celebrate you had to spend spend spend became ingrained in the minds of Americans. Anna Jarvis and her sister wound up spending their inheritance on campaigning against the very holiday she had fought to so hard to create, and both died in poverty. She is quoted as saying "I wanted it to be a day of sentiment, not profit." She opposed the selling of flowers and also the use of greeting cards: "a poor excuse for the letter you are too lazy to write."

Anna Jarvis never married, and never had any children of her own.


In this respect, I wanted to take the time out of my day, and post my thoughts on mother's day. Personally.. I could care less for "bought" items. While I appreciate the thought and effort that goes into this process, I know the struggle, and the stress of trying to pick out that perfect gift in time. For me, a nice dinner with my family is all I need to have a perfect day (and I get that this year!). Coming home to a clean house so that I can just relax and not have to worry about cleaning up (my kids are in cleaning their rooms as we speak...can this day get any better??). Getting a back rub and watching my choice of TV, movie or game... (I got that this morning first thing!).


Of course though, there are always those who will not feel right without dropping some cash on mom for Mother's Day. In thanks, I thought, to help de-stress some of you, I would give a few suggestions for those who are bound and determined to buy something.

* Flowers- for those of you who want to get your mom flowers, it is a beautiful thought. However, cut bouquets die. How about letting her constantly remember your gift and thought of her throughout the year by getting her a pretty potted flower, or -even better- going over with some yard tools, pots, soil and seeds or starters, and getting down and playing in the dirt together while weeding and planting!

* Jewelry- I'm not big on jewelry. Never have been. And the jewelry I do like tends to be on the less expensive side, so I'm easy! For mother's day, stick with something motherly if you are going to go with jewelry. There are so many options out there now for mothers, from the I love mom pendants, to the mother's jewelry with the children's birthstones. And those aren't just the rings anymore! Now they come in rings, pendants, bracelets... you name it! Don't forget items like key chains too!

* Dinner- this one you just can't go wrong with. Whether you take her out, or stay in and cook for her, as long as she doesn't to cook or clean, she's gonna be happy! Just keep in mind if you do decide to go out, that waits will be long! Make sure to make reservations, or get there early to account for having to wait to be seated!

* Spa treatments- I normally don't do this, due to the cost. However, if the cost isn't an issue for you, this could be great for mom. I suggest either going with her, or buying it for her and a friend. While these places are nice, it's usually better if you have a girlfriend to gab with too!

* Candy- be careful with this one. If mom is trying to diet and watch her weight..this isn't going to be the best option for her. Even if you are trying to tell her you think she looks fine.. Candy isn't going to convince her after she's eaten the whole box! Also, be sure to watch for allergies (such as to nuts or milk). Go small and sweet. Keep in mind the kind of treats you've seen her relish in the past. If she's not crazy for creme filled chocolate, then that big box of creme filled chocolates you just bought her isn't going to come to much. Instead, why not be the one to take her out to ice cream!?

* Cards- this is nice, if you are so long distance that you cannot call or come over. However, if you send a card, make sure to drop a note in there as well! Let mom know how things are going, what you are up to, etc etc. Maybe go even a step further, and do something reminiscent, like describing one of your most treasured moments with her! Keep it sentimental (it can be funny too!) and real. Something that is more than just someone else's preprinted words on a card picked up on whim while standing at the grocery store.


In line with the ideas of being creative and specially tailored to mom, I came across the idea of "survival kits". These little kits could be created for a plethora of reasons, and were very sweet and thoughtful. Inside, you can include things like Hershey's hugs and kisses, to represent your love, band aids for hurt feelings, string because she's the one who tied everyone together, a star to represent her shining personality.. you get the picture. It takes some time to put together suitable objects and marking what they represent, but it shows the thought that went into it, and the care.


Hope this helps some of you wandering out there without any idea what to do. Happy Mother's Day to all you moms, and please please please add to my ideas here! Lets start getting what we want! hehe...

Last night after work, I went to pick up my kids from their dad's house. I had worn my heeled boots, and had had a very busy day and my feet were absolutely killing me. We were standing out on the front porch chatting while waiting for my son. My daughter kept leaning against me, and I would fall over a bit. She looked at me and told me "Mommy, you need to learn some kind of balance."

That statement kinda stuck with me. Not in the physical sense. I knew my lack of balance was due to the fact that my feet were so sore and I was tired. But in a mental sense. I have not felt balanced for a very long time. I feel like I'm off tilt... Like a globe that has been spun, but fallen off the holder, so it's warbled and distorted. My lack of balance within myself announces itself in a variety of mental and physical attributes. I have been sick allot lately. More-so than what is usual. I have consistent headaches, stomachaches, body aches. I have a hard time concentrating or remembering things. Noises of a certain caliber set all of my nerves on fire when they never bothered me before.

I've been feeling off kilter with myself. Nothing seems to fit right. I feel an awesome loss in development of pieces of myself that need to be fixed. I have a strong desire to re-embrace my spirituality- at least on a basic scale. I have the need to get outside and put my hands in the ground and dig in the dirt. Problem is- I really have no yard, and while I can do potted plants, I have a rather shadowy area to put them. I have started working around that though. I have a need to completely clean everything out. A big Spring cleaning bug. I need to completely declutter my house. Problem with that is I have no where to put anything. I suppose I should just pull everything out and sort through it. Really evaluate my reasons for keeping it and see if I should just let it go. And then if I decide to keep it, find a place for it. It's to the point where I want to just pull everything out of my house, and then slowly put it back in. If the weather was cooperating and my neighbors didn't exist, then I'd be tempted to do just that (well, and if there wasn't 2-3 flights of stairs to contend with).

The weather has been bogging me down lately too. I'm am very much a warm-weather kind of girl. I cannot bear the cold, and it is always so cold here. Spring just does not want to wake up and the Sun doesn't seem to want to give this area much attention. I feel like a forgotten child.. lol. I'm cold, and just want to curl up and wait for the weather to turn warm again. I see the blossoms on the trees, and want to go play, but can't stand the chill. And I know the Summer won't last very long once it gets here either. It's depressing. I really wish I could just pack up and move, but I can't.

Oh well... guess that is as good as I can explain my off-balanceness. That, and now I get to go get ready for work on the only day this week when it is suppose to actually be nice. Go figure.

For those of you who know me, or those interested enough, I started a new blogger today dedicated to my path of self-discovery. I've noticed a need to do some soul searching, and this is how I think will best suit those needs.

If interested in watching, visit http://tenderlovingrage.blogspot.com/


Thanks!

What is it with my self-destructiveness? I am sick. I feel like Hell, and I am pretty sure I look it. My head is splitting in two, and I am seeing doubles. My stomach is in knots, with sharp pains shooting through it. And what do I do? I come in to work. And of course, everything is a million times amplified.. from the light, to the noise, to my nerves. I've only been here an hour, and it feels like a full 8-hour day. I have 4 more hours to go. Sweet goddess... I hope I make it.

There is something in me that just screams NO to me calling in. Not that I've never done it while working here before, just, I have to be pretty much dead to do so. Or come in and get sent home. LOL. Perhaps it's from working at the pharmacy. If someone called in, chances were it WOULDN'T get covered, and the day would just be misery for those who were there. I remember dreading when people called in, knowing that the day would just be complete madness. And because of that, I wouldn't call in unless I physically could NOT make it there, and sometimes would show up even despite that. It was not a company that looked kindly on time off. It caused too much distress within the operations of the day.

Now, KRL is nothing like that. They are very understanding of things like that. I have relaxed more about things here, but I still have that part of me that refuses to call in sick. And tomorrow, hopefully, I will feel better, or else it will start all over again, only be a longer shift...

I wanted to thank everyone who took the time to help me out by giving me their positive opinions of me at http://kevan.org/johari?name=Thaydra and even more so for those who gave their negative opinions of me at http://kevan.org/nohari?name=Thaydra . I got a total of 9 people to fess up on each site, most of who did both. I am very appreciative of your honesty. I plan to now utilize both sites and opinions to do some self soul-delving, and maybe find out just what makes me tick, and what ticks me off.. lol.

If you haven't done one or the other, please still feel free to do so. I would gladly like to hear more thoughts. It is not something that "expires", so go ahead! It does max out at 6 choices, and you do have to pick at least 5. If you cannot think of 5, please pick those that you DO feel represent me, and then just shoot me a comment or email and let me know which ones you didn't really think fit, but chose them just to get the other opinions in there.

In closing, another big thank you for those who took time out of their days to complete this for me. I will keep you all blogged up on my progress =)

Thank you to all of you who gave your opinions on my Nohari window. If you haven't yet, please go here and do so. http://kevan.org/nohari?name=Thaydra . Don't worry about telling me bad stuff. I'm a big girl, and I haven't screamed at anyone else who's taken it yet! hehe

Also, I know when I did DW's, it was really hard for me to pick the required 5. If you had difficulty with it, I would appreciate if you dropped me an email or comment and let me know which ones were easy for you to pick, and which ones were more difficult to figure out. That will give me a better idea of the real opinions. If it was easy for you to pick 5 or more.. cool. Well, not really "cool", but you know what I mean.

Now, as promised, is your opportunity to pick your positive opinions of me. Visit my Johari window, and pick 5 or 6 words you think describe me. http://kevan.org/johari?name=Thaydra
Thanks for your participation in this. I really appreciate it.

pause


My boyfriend hollered this out in his sleep one night while I was tossing and turning. It worked, because I stopped. That word "pause" had hit me somewhere deep in my little brain. It triggered a response; one that made me relax. pause

I started thinking.. what if I could just hit the pause button, and make everything stop for awhile? What would I do with it?

I started thinking of all the things you could do with an ability like that? Have you ever seen the movie "Click"? I wouldn't want a remote like that. I'm not sure I would want the rewind and fast forward buttons. Too much chance for really screwing things up that way. But to just be able to pause once in awhile! Now that would be refreshing.

When things at work or home start getting too much.. pause... and go take a walk outside for a moment. Not quite ready to go in yet, pause.. and capture just one more moment. I know there have been many times when I look at something in Nature, and am just absolutely captivated, sometimes just for a moment while passing through. How uplifting it would be to have the chance to pause and just take in the view.

And then those thoughts lead me to thinking, why do we need the idea of a remote for that? Why can't we just make time for pauses in our life? We all tend to get so caught up in work and bills and such, that we forget to slow down and just be. We forget to take in the sunrises and sunsets. We forget how nice it can be to just go sit in a park and read a book, or watch the children play and the ducks swim by. How rewarding is it to create a pause in your hectic life, to take some time to hang out with your kids? Go throw a ball around, read, or even all cuddle up on the couch with some popcorn and watch a movie.

Life is full of opportunities for pause. I think we as a society have become so fast-paced that we no longer see them. We are so wrapped up in bills that need to be paid, work that needs to be done, appointments we need to keep. We are so focused on the quick now, now, now.. but we don't actually live in the now. We don't pause long enough to feel the moment, to take in that breath and feel alive.

So I ask of you one small favor. Pause for a moment. Feel the breeze on your skin, the breath that you breathe. Listen to the sound of life being lived around you. Capture this one instant of your life and feel it. Live it. Create that photograph in your mind. Pause.

According to a site I have previously linked all you folks- http://www.brownielocks.com/april.html the week of April 13th through April 19th is National Library Week. I thought we should celebrate this, seeing as how I work in a library, and I love to read. I thought I could start by listing some of my favorite books for you. You can also go to http://www.thaydra.com/ and read some of my book reviews of my recently devoured tales.



1. Right now, I am currently just over halfway through my most favorite book of all time, entitled "Swan Song" by Robert McCammon. It is a tale that tells about some special folks after WW3 wipes out the majority of America (and, it is implied, the rest of the world). It follows Swan, Josh, Sister, and a handful of others as they try and figure out where to go and how to continue on in a world that has been decimated by nuclear war. It conjures up versions of how good and bad people react to a world so instantly and drastically different, and how their personalities differ so dramatically in how they live. Mr. McCammon comes up with an ingenious way for Nature (or God, if you will) to be able to show peoples' true faces.



2. On the same line of "Swan Song", I also absolutely love "The Stand" by Stephen King. This is another book about how people struggle to survive and rebuild after the world as they know it, along with most of the people in it, is(are) wiped out. In this case, it is a fast-spreading super flu. It follows how the people are drawn together, good to good, and evil to evil, and how they battle it out to regain, or keep control of their lives and what they have left.

3. "Clan of the Cave Bear" by Jean Auel enraptured me in my late teen years. A tale (and subsequent series) of a young Cro-magnon girl, who is separated from her tribe as a very little girl when an earthquake strikes. She wanders aimlessly and is attacked by a cougar. She survives, and is eventually found by the medicine woman of a clan of Neanderthal people. The woman gets permission to keep the little girl, and it follows how the little girl, called Ayla, grows up in a clan so very different from herself, and how her "people" are enemies of the Clan. It follows Ayla as she grows and develops physically and mentally in ways the Clan do not, and how she struggles to fit in.

4. "Tales of the Brothers Grimm" retold by various different people, are in and of themselves priceless. I prefer the original, unedited stories, in all of their raw crudity and violence. They portray such a different picture than the remade "Disney" versions..

5. "The Hobbit" by J.R. R.Tolkien. The fantasy tale of hobbit Bilbo Baggins, and his quest to obtain the Dragon Smaug's treasure. He discovers a unique ring along the way, which grants him the ability to become invisible. It is also the story that spawns the Lord of the Ring trilogy, which follows the ring.

6. "Mr. and Mrs. God in the Creation Kitchen" by Nancy Wood is a children's tale of how Mr. and Mrs. God create the world and all of it's inhabitants. A beautifully illustrated book, with a whimsical view on creation.


Please visit my website for regular reviews on books I've entertained, and visit http://www.librarything.com/catalog/Thaydra to peruse books I've read, rated, and ones I plan to read in the future. LibraryThing is a wonderful place to keep track of books read, books you want to read, view other opinion on books, and get reviews and recommendations!

And of course, if nothing else, take a trip down to your local library and show some support!!

Panic. The Miriam-Webster dictionary defines this word as :
"1 a: a sudden overpowering fright; also : acute extreme anxiety
b: a sudden unreasoning terror often accompanied by mass flight
c: a sudden widespread fright concerning financial affairs that results in a depression of values caused by extreme measures for protection of property (as securities)"

I particularly enjoy the second description there; although why it is bulleted with a "c" I do not understand. I'm just not that much of a dictionary user to get it, I suppose.

Along those same lines, is Anxiety. The dictionary's description of that word was this:
"1 a: painful or apprehensive uneasiness of mind usually over an impending or anticipated ill
b: fearful concern or interest c: a cause of anxiety
2: an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physiological signs (as sweating, tension, and increased pulse), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it"
.


However, I do get the definition of "panic" and "anxiety". Lately that little "c"'s definition has been describing me to a "t".. (I giggled at my little wit there... did you?). Ok.. so now I'm an idiot, because I just went back through looking at it, and noticed the "a" and "b" in the definitions.... /sigh. If that doesn't give you an idea of how my brain has been fluttering lately, I don't know what will. It feels like it's going to split open and spill it's contents all over the ground. I have this vivid image of an egg cracking, but in my vision of my brain, the contents are a livid blue, and then the saucy clearish, translucent goop that surrounds it seeping into a giant pool- the "yolk" of my brain breaking and spreading out into it..

I've always had issues with money. Some months and years have been better than others, and others worse. But lately, it just seems like I keep sinking and sinking, and that every time I think I may finally be able to get my head up out of the water, the ground suddenly drops unexpectedly out from under me. Sometimes it feels like someone is under there with a great big shovel, just waiting for me to get a toehold or foothold in the sand, and then they gleefully grab the earth from beneath me, laughing hysterically as they do so. That evil little bastard....

I've noticed that I'm having a difficult time keeping my thoughts straight, and keeping my stress levels under control. Perhaps it's because everything is so different now. Before, I at least knew a vague vicinity in which I stood. Now, there are no markers to tell me where I am or where I'm going. I'm moving forward, I think, but I'm moving blindly.. and it scares the ever-loving bejeebus out of me. I am not complaining about this new direction and this new obstacle of blindness. Don't get me wrong. It's just so out of the ordinary of what I've lived with for so many many years.

The money issue is the hardest for me to handle at the moment. I struggle with trying to envision my future, and where I will be. There are so many things I need to get paid up, and I just can't. I have to look at alternatives that I've never had to before, well, at least not in a long time. Not that any of these alternatives are going to hurt me. But they will definitely be inconvenient in many ways.

The thing that gets me the most- the part that does hurt- is when I start to think about my kids, and all of the things I wanted to do for them. All of the projects and activities I want them to be able to participate in and enjoy. I wanted to give them those things that I was unable to do as a child. But of course, I think all parents feel that way about their kids. At least any respectable parent who cares about their kid. We want to give them the world, and it makes me feel like a failure to not be able to do that for them. I worry whether I will be able to give them the basic necessities sometimes. I cannot even begin to think right now of those extra things. I know that they will never go without the necessities. I won't allow it. I have enough family around to where that will never happen. But I just want to feel my toes in that ground again. I want to feel the sand and earth under my feet, and have it stay there.