I voted today. I don't get my official "I voted" button, which is kind of a bummer. But I have the satisfaction of knowing that I did my part in taking action on how my country is run. I can't say I think that my vote will make much of an impact, but I do know that not voting is giving the other guys an advantage. If everyone stopped voting just because they didn't think their vote counted, then we would definitely see the effects our voting has.
I am not going to go into the politics of who I voted for. I voted for who I thought best equipped and/or whose ideals matched my own. I even voted for a couple from the opposite party because of that. I don't like lumping myself into the cliche of voters. I lean towards the democratic side, but won't vote for someone just because he or she is a Democrat. I vote for who I think will work in my best interest. Does that make me independent? I don't know, for I don't vote strictly independent either.
In any event, I did my patriotic duty in keeping our country a democracy. I hope I get who I want, but more importantly, I hope whoever gets the job takes this country in the right direction and keeps us strong and vital.
I just discovered that today is the national mental health day. http://www.nmha.org/index.cfm?objectid=94EE8067-1372-4D20-C8E1129592EE83B5
Doesn't that mean we should all be in mental wards strapped up and curled in a padded room?
Oh wait.. as mentioned in my previous post.. I'm on medication for that... so I am declared mentally sane..
Or am I?
I think it should mean we all get the day off.
At first, I started to think that they weren't really working. Then it dawned on me that since I was only remembering to take them every couple days, that I probably wasn't really giving them much of a real shot. So I switched my time frame to an easier time for me to remember. Well, I still didn't see much of a result. I wasn't bouncing off the walls full of energy like I expected (that is what happened to me the previous time I was on them). So I'm thinking that they aren't really worth the $5 I'm spending every three months on them. (Luckily, the company agrees that there is no way I could afford them otherwise, so is helping me out). This is, until a couple days goes by and I haven't taken them. Then all hell breaks loose. I'm like a raging lunatic monster on PMS- without the actual PMS. My kids and boyfriend practically literally hide from me. They are afraid to move or speak. Every action on their part is met with a crouching, watching look at me to gauge whether I can see them, and if I am going to come apart at the seams or not over it.
Really-- I'm horrible. It's scary.
So, I am now wondering whether this is due to actual workings of the medication, or psychological gamma rays. Is my horrible attitude when not taking it due to withdrawls? Or is it actually the way my brain will continue to work should I not take it. I don't like taking it. It makes me feel - dirty- even with it's positive effects on me. I'm trying to go to a more natural state of health, and taking this makes me feel like cheating. Oddly enough, my birth control pills do not.
I guess we'll see how it goes, and what I decide to do. It's not like it's breaking my checkbook, which is another big factor I will have to keep in mind. The alternative will be much more expensive. Either by natural products, or funeral and jail costs.... /eeps!
You know, some days I am quintessentially reminded of just how much of a loser I really am. Tonight is turning out to be one of those times. I knew I lost a lot when I left my marriage, but holy shit, sometimes it is just insanely sad how much. Or maybe it was really never there to begin with, which I am thinking is probably closer to the truth of the matter. Take tonight, for instance. I had a birthday dinner for myself at my favorite resteraunt. Other than myself, my children, and my boyfriend, 3 other people showed up. One was my sister, the other two were a couple of friends. And they are more my boyfriend's friends than they are mine. Not that we don't get along, because we do ( as far as I know ). It's just that if Dustin and I were to break up, I don't think I'd ever actually hear from them again. He knew them long before I did.
I think the whole birthday dinner thing has ran it's course. I have a feeling this was the last year for that.
Anyways- what makes it all so much worse is that everyone's reasoning for not coming was monetary. Ok, that makes sense, until I realize that they are all planning on going out to the casino for the bartender's birthday next weekend.... and half of them were probably out at the bar tonight. Doesn't make me feel real considered, ya know.
Then, I get shit because I wound up spending too much on dinner. I don't think he was overly serious, but to a point he was. I didn't realize I had a limit, especially considering he had previously been talking about paying for the entire meal (paying everyone's tab) to thank the people who did show up for coming out. That in and of itself could give me a complex, but since I know what he meant, I let it be.
I don't even know why I'm posting this stupid blog. No one but me is going to read it, and I am very much aware of that. Sometimes I wonder why I bother keeping this blog updated. I am the only person who reads it, unless I push it on Dustin, and even then, I don't think he reads half of what I asked. I have linked this to people more than a couple times, and I haven't gotten one single solitary comment about it. Not even in passing. So why the hell do I bother. Part I know is to give myself an outlet, but what about all the other crap I post about. I think some piece of me is hoping someone out there is actually keeping tabs on it, but I know that it isn't going to happen. I'm just giving myself another failure to mark in the record books...
Sometimes it is so lonely. I look around and there is no one there. I know Dustin and my kids are.. but, where did everyone else go. What the hell did I do that was so horrible? Or was it never me that they were hanging out with to begin with?
Gods! I really wish I could just move far far away. Move somewhere where no one has any idea of who I am. Somewhere where I could just start all over again. Then at least when I have no one calling me or coming to my birthday, at least there is a viable excuse. If it weren't for my kids, I'd do it. But I can't uproot them and all they have just because mommy is lame. /sigh
So, I guess I get to emmerse myself in a game I have no interest in, and write about stuff that no one gives a shit about. Yay me!
Anyone going to sing "Happy Birthday" yet?
The targeted idea for this one is the idea of celebrity idolization. I watch as people are so enamored of someone just because of their celebrity status that I find it ridiculous. Most of the celebrities I see that are idolized are not even worth it. They are cheats, bigots, druggies, asshats and divas, vain, teen parents, liars, etc.
Every once in a while I will see one that is worthy of the respect and awe they inspire, but they inspire it by what they do OFF screen..not on. At least in my opinion.
I watch as spouses tote off what celebrity totally gets them off- often in front of their spouse (or partner), and I can't help by wonder what purpose that information serves. "I love you honey, but you are always going to be #2 compared to so-and-so. If they came and said 'take me', I'd be gone". Yay! Being number 2 is great! Isn't that the call-name of shit? I'm sorry- but the fact that the possibility of that celebrity ever actually showing up and doing that is little to beyond none does not make it okay in my eyes. You are still telling the person you "love" that they are not the best. They are still only second in your eyes (or third or fourth with some of the couples I've seen). Worse still is the fact that it is most often based off of looks and sex appeal than off any other real reason.
Perhaps I'm pulling this all out of context, but who cares. I am very much aware of the fact that humans find other humans attractive or not so. I just don't get why you would let your significant other know how insignificant they really are in your eyes when compared to your "idol".
It's been a few days since I've posted on here, so I figured I should give it some of my time and attention. Most of that has been going to my website lately, where I've had a few stories being gurgled out. I say gurgled, because they are coming slowly. Perhaps oozing would be a proper description. And it seems that every time I get going on one, I have a dream, and that spurs another that pushes it's way to the forefront and demands to be given it's time in my limelight.
I'm a little disheartened at the moment. I have sent out messages and emails to friends and family asking for feedback, yet I have gotten not a single comment from anyone other than my boyfriend. And he has to live with me, so you know how that goes... I am not looking for prime time editing. Just regular people giving their opinions on it, since they are the people the stories are geared for. I guess people just aren't as interested in reading as I am. Granted, I don't read as much as I use to, but I jump at opportunities to read what others around me have in their minds. I read their blogs, their poetry, their bulletins and ranting and raving.
Anyways.. last week I was sick. Sick enough to call into work. I got Thursday off, and Friday as a precautionary. I wound up needing it, so I'm glad my boss told me to stay home. But I discovered that I got a lot of writing done in those days. A lot for me anyway. They are no masterpieces by far, but a couple chapters on each one. And plots and outlines written up in my head for future reference.
OK, time is a wasting here, and I've given this part of my literary creativity (*eye roll*) enough of it for now.
Oh, by the way, if you are interested in how my September clean up is going.. it's horribly laughable. Maybe that will be my topic next time.
The other night I was lying in bed trying to sleep, and -as usual- my mind began to wander and ponder on various things. Somehow, it found it's way to contemplating "what contributes to evolution?". When does the universe decide it is time, and how does it happen. And where does all of this fit in to my belief patterns? How do you combine spirituality and science?
Well, it turns out I had something of an epiphany. In my mind at least. I do not know who reads this, so I don't know how much you -the reader- know about me. To give you a little background, I am pagan in my belief structure. No- I am not Wiccan. And a big hell-no! I am NOT Satanic! I don't even believe in Satan.. LOL. But this is not a debate on belief systems. This is about where my little brain went in it's search for evolution answers.
In my belief, the universe as we know it - our little Milky Way - (yes, I like using - ) was created by an entity I refer to as the Great Mother. Whether it was on purpose or not, who knows. Where She came from, I have no idea. I am okay with knowing that there are some things out there that are just way to much for my little human brain to comprehend. Anyway, in analysing this new system that She created, she decided the best way to learn about it was to experience it. So She broke herself into millions upon millions of little pieces, and sent them to this new world. Each pieces job was to learn as much as possible about this new environment. Who is to say how these pieces arrived. I like to think that they first came about as elements. The forces behind the powers we take for granted now- Earth, Air, Fire, Water... I believe these entities to still exist in their original state. Gods and/or Goddesses in their own right, beneath but still a part of the Great Mother. From that, came the first vestiges of life. Bacteria, algae, whatever ... I did not study that closely in science class, but I am sure you know what I mean.
This is where my brain suddenly had it's light bulb lit, and a new revelation came to me. What happens when an organism as a whole- not individual- learns all there is to know? Well, how about evolve? It mutates and changes to incorporate new unlearned and unvisited areas of being. That would also be why we have so many variety of life forms. Each has a job of absorbing everything there is to know about that life form. All of it. And once there are enough of those pieces that have learned everything, existence gets an upgrade, and a new being is created.
Are humans the last? Hardly. I do not believe so. I do think that we are one of the species that could very well put ourselves out of existence completely the way the do-do bird did, by becoming too vain in our ability. Perhaps it will be that which comes from our completion that will fix what we have done.
So, here it is, day 2 of my month long journey into self-help ( or at least getting the house cleaned up ), and so far I've killed myself. Including this post here, I will have accomplished 3 items of my weekly to-do list.
Yesterday, I had to go down to the library, empty out and process the book drop. By the time I got there - I think it was about 1:30 or 2 in the afternoon - books were already falling out into the box around the bin that sits inside the bookdrops. So we had walked down to the library, I got my work done, and then we headed up over to the movie place. Now, I know that means nothing to you people who don't know the area, but it is quite a walk. Then we hit Wendy's and walked the back way home. It was a long walk that took us about 2&1/2 to 3 hours (not including the stop at the library or to eat). My legs were sore but with some stretching out they felt almost new again.
Today, we had to go out to the kids' school to see what classroom they were in. Me and my big mouth jokingly said "Want to walk?". Well, the kids decided sure, so out we went again, this time kids in tow. We walked up to their school, which is probably a good 2-3 mile hike in and of itself, then out to McDonald's (another mileish) down over to Walmart to get them their backpacks and lunchboxes (another mile or two) and then back around to home (another mile or twoish). Wow! My butt hurts so bad! Of all the places on my body- it's my butt that is screaming at me. And my feet. But we stretched out again, and while not as productive this time, I shudder to think what they would feel like had I not!
And now I am doing one of my posts for the week.
So, tomorrow is the start of school. We'll see how things go with keeping me going. I think that with them being out of the house, it will help me with getting the deep down cleaning and organizing done, since I won't have the constant interruption that children bring into life (not a bad statement!!). I think I will take the day off from walking. Heck, I don't know that I will be able to walk tomorrow!! I am thinking that maybe I will go through the donation stuff we have already blown up all over the hall upstairs and get that all settled, and then go through my clothes.
That's it for today.