I've known pain for a long time. I would not call us "friends", but we are definitely close acquaintances. We know each other well. I've always had headaches. Sometimes they were really, really bad, but mostly they were just an annoying dull ache that would enshroud my head in a fog for days on end. They would flare up in areas, and cause spots to dance across my vision. Tunnel vision or "stars" are good indicators that I should just go curl up somewhere and take the day off, regardless of what I had planned.
Then, when I was pregnant with my second child (Monkey), I started experiencing a pain in my left shoulder. At first I attributed it to being pregnant. I was carrying a lot of new weight, and working full time, so I figured it was just having a toll on my muscles. I would take warm showers and try to just relax, figuring it would get better once the baby was born. But it didn't. Instead, it would start to radiate a shooting, cold ice fire down my arm, and into my hand. That arm would get weak. As time went by, it wouldn't be uncommon for me to suddenly drop whatever I was holding in that hand, because it would just simply let go without me knowing until hot coffee was spilling down my side.
Some days it wouldn't hurt at all. Other days it would get so bad that I couldn't turn my head. It is like my entire left side would just lock up. It spreads from my eye, through the side of my head, down my neck into my shoulder and all around my shoulder blade, then down my arm through my inside elbow and down into my hand. I flex my hand often when it is acting up.
I tried to talk to different doctors I've had about it. Most of them just dismissed it, or handed me a prescription for Vicodin and muscle relaxers. I was not there to get drugs, and looking back I wonder if that's what they thought I was after. I didn't want the damn drugs, and I told them that, but how many times do they get the person in there complaining of phantom pains and telling them they really aren't there for the drugs while asking for them. No, I didn't want drugs; I wanted answers. I still want answers. One doctor sent me to a physical therapist. I only got to go for a few weeks before I lost my insurance and had to stop due to lack of funds. Another doctor (the only one who showed any real interest in actually figuring out the cause and not just doping me up) actually sent me in for X-rays. If that came back with nothing he had planned on sending me for other tests, but I lost that insurance, too, and had to stop seeing him before we could do any further investigating (the x-rays showed nothing out of the ordinary).
Then it started to spread more. Instead of concerning itself with only my left side, sometimes it will jump over to my right side as well. It also decided that sticking just to my limbs and shoulders was not enough, and will cause severe stiffness and aches right along my spine. The strange thing is it does not feel like it's in the muscles, but in the bone itself. It makes me sick to my stomach.
I'm not sure if the migraines (headaches) are related to the pain, or if the pain is related to the migraines. I don't always have a headache when the pain in my shoulder starts, but I will always wind up with one. Whether the pain is a precursor or aura to the migraine, or if the stress of the pain causes the migraine, I do not know. All I know is that I've never met a pain medication or muscle relaxer that has touched it. Massage only works while I'm being massaged. It's back within minutes of the massage being over.
It seriously incapacitates me sometimes. I can't move. The worst part, though, is what it does to my head. Not the painful part, but my mind. I get so completely disoriented when the pain is bad. I cannot think, or remember. It takes me an awful long time to process simple things, and no way will I understand anything you have to explain to me. I can literally take two steps, and not remember where I am going or where I came from. It's really hard if I'm trying to function at work this way. For awhile, I would take sick leave, but it happens too frequently for me to do that anymore. I just have to push my way through it and try to appear normal. Sometimes I wonder if people look at me funny. Do I look like I'm on something? It can make me a little delirious at times. The pain affects my brain funny. Sometimes it's a matter of either give into it and just act goofy and let the delirium take some of the edge off, or curl into a ball in a corner somewhere and cry. That isn't necessarily an option while I'm at work (though I will admit it has happened).
I'm hoping to get in with a new doctor's office soon. I've heard good things about them and I am hoping that they will help me try and figure out what is going on and how to deal with it. I've heard people say things like pinched nerves or fibromyalgia. Both are things that fit very closely with what I feel (from what I've read), but lack specific details (like painful touching with fibromyalgia. I do not have sensitive spots that I know of). It would be nice to be pain-free though. To not have to worry about it anymore.
I've been having a hard time battling my depression lately. It's been rearing and roaring so loudly that I can barely hear anything else. I've tried to smile through it, to tell myself that all of these painful things that I notice are just a phantom of the depression; a trick to lure me into its dark and waiting grip. I've spent months working on myself- inside and out. I've taken on healthier eating habits, and starting paying more attention to getting exercise. Neither are to the extreme. I still indulge in a chocolate chip cookie or two when my daughter makes them, and I spend my evenings and weekends more idle than I probably technically "should", but I am not depriving myself of things I "enjoy". I make myself smile. I focus on keeping the muscles of my face relaxed, especially my jaw. I make sure to keep my shoulders relaxed, too. I smile, and tell myself I deserve to smile.
But as of late, it feels like such a horrible lie. I can't help but notice these painful things, because they are true. They aren't a figment of some delusional mental disease that strives to make me feel bad. They simply are.
There are times that I wish I could just run away. There are days when I wish my children were still little, so I could just pack up a couple of suitcases, hop on a train, and just go somewhere where no one knows me and I don't know anyone. Of course, even if my kids were little, I couldn't go. I couldn't do that to them. It is a nice fantasy, but nothing more. I could never take them away from their father like that. I couldn't let my hang-ups and past (present) failures pull them away from their lives and affect them suchly. It would only cause them to hate me, and move in with their father. Then I would lose them, too, and what would I have left to live for? They are, by all means, my life support. I would be lost without them. Meaningless and purposeless. They are why I live.
But, that life still feels marred. Irreparably damaged. I have these giant parasites living within me, eating away at my insides. They have been feeding for so long that I don't imagine there is much left- only that sustenance that my children being near me gives me. I fear that soon they will begin to worm their way through my skin, letting the world see the gaping sores that fill my being. They will fester and ooze, infected and decaying.
I try to focus on doing things that I enjoy: writing, crafting, baking... But none of these feel fun anymore. I have no desire to do them. No motivation. Instead, I prefer to just hide withing the pages of a book or the pixilated lives of a game; to escape into some other world. I don't want to socialize anymore. I've tried that. I've tried putting myself out there- trying to include myself in the lives of those I love, only to be overlooked; forgotten. Or, even worse, ignored. They don't want me there. I can see that. I can only be shunned for so long before I wisen up and get the point. It makes me feel so stupid. So stupid.
It is hard to feel invisible. To feel forgotten and discarded. An oversight; an afterthought.
I will continue to put on a happy face. To hide the inner demon from showing itself in public. To protect my kids, and to function in society. But I have decided to stop trying to put myself out there. To practically beg for attention and inclusion. I can't live that lie. Trying is only making it more obvious to me, and that is just too hard... the cuts too deep. I won't do that anymore.
I like monsters. So I decided to make one. =)
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Just thought you'd like to meet him! He also got me to use my sewing machine... for real!! =)
Yay, Buddy!
I haven't been very good about keeping up on my blogging here lately. Well, it's been pretty terrible for awhile now. But part of my goals for the new year were to blog weekly. And, I haven't been. Most of that is because I don't want to whine on here, and it feels like that's all I do. Who wants to read that? And, lately, I haven't had much positive stuff to talk about. I guess nothing terrible has happened, so there is that. That is positive, right?
I'm starting to seriously think that I need to start looking for a second job. Something very flexible, since it will have to work around the job I already have at the library. I just know that if I go there- if I work another job- it will kill me. Inside, I will die. I'm not kidding, and I'm not exaggerating. I'm already sick in the head. This is not a new concept to me. I know it. I can function in society and be a "normal" person on the outside, but I am very much aware that inside I am seriously screwed up. Having to work hurts me. It sounds childish, and whiney, and tantrumy, but there it is. I am the type of person who desires deep down inside to be a housewife. To take care of the kids, and the chores, and all that. It isn't going to happen. I dont' think ever. That hurts. If I have to take on a second job, I'll have even less time. And more stress in my head. But, financially, it's starting to look like that is what is going to have to happen.
I can't even do the simple things I want to do- like bake or craft- because I always need an important component, but don't have the money to go get it. I want to take up knitting, for example, but can't stomach spending the $3 for the needles, because I need to put that on the kids' lunch accounts to make sure they can eat lunch for the week. I want to bake a cake or something, but I've used all the eggs, and now we don't have any. That kind of thing.
I guess I have my tax return to look forward to. I can pay off some debts, and get at least caught up so that I'm not drowning. But, it's not going to get me forward. I still am stressing about how to handle the kids' birthday, since I really have no extra money whatsoever. Luckily, they've both said they just want to have a party at the house this year, so I won't have to worry on that end. But I do have to concern myself with food and activities. Maybe the weather will cooperate enough for us to be outside.
I just need something to change. I can't keep doing this. It's wearing on me too much. I need stability, and I just don't have that and it turns my stomach each and every day. It's all I think about. I can't sleep because things roll through my head- mostly the stuff I already talked about: how to pay bills, rent, pay for the kids' activities, gas... It's all money. I hate money.
I walk to and from work when I can. When it's not pelting rain or subfreezing temperatures (which, I'm starting to think will be getting here soon). When I walk, I think. I let go of my thoughts and just let them wander where ever they want to take me. Sometimes this is a good thing. Sometimes it's really not.
In any event, I was walking to work the other day, thinking about money. That's been the hot topic for my little brain the past few months. Even more so lately. I was having a bit of a down morning- more freaking out than calm about what the hell I'm going to do about bills, etc. I started thinking about those people who have money. Rich folk. I don't know how I got onto them, but I did. At first I was envious. Of course. But not in an aggressive or violent kind of way. Just a jealous way.
It was then that I thought to myself that I value stuff too much. I put too much stock into what I have. I began to berate myself for being one of those whiney little kids who throws a tantrum because their parent didn't buy them an Ipad for Christmas. But then another part of my brain reared up, vehemently denying such allegations. It pointed to what I had when I did have money (I have never been anywhere close to rich, or well off, or mainstream. But I've had more than I do now). I don't really spend it on stuff. It asked me to revisit my dreams of winning the lottery (or finishing my book and having it be successful... pft), and what I would do with that money. I did this and came to a pretty awesome conclusion, at least in my opinion. One that made me feel a bit better about myself.
I don't value stuff. I value doing.
Most of the items on my list of "If I Ever Got Rich This Is What I Would Do" include things like travel, classes for my kids, and classes for myself. Trips to museums and national parks and seeing and learning what the world out there is like. Being able to finally take my kids to see things like the Nutcracker and Cirque Du Soleil and Disneyland. Quitting my job so that I can stay home and write more. And, of course, taking my family with me for many of these adventures.
I don't think of items that I want. I don't dream of huge shopping sprees or anything like that. It isn't material items that I value. The only material items I want are the house and car. But that is only to finally own my own home, and a vehicle that I do not constantly worry about breaking down. One that is better on gas mileage and nicer to our environment.
Even my home that I want is geared more towards doing. I don't want a huge mansion of a home. Just something big enough to fit my family comfortably and allow us to attend to the many hobbies that we have. I want more land and hobby room than actual living room. I want land to have a garden and a fruit grove. To have chickens and goats. I would love to be able to cultivate a home that was completely self-sufficient if need be. Solar energy (or whatever would work best out here) and all that jazz.
So, that thought process wound up being one of the good ones. One that let me sit back for a moment and breath, and stop berating myself for a bit. It didn't help me stress any less about money, but that's okay. The money thing will work itself out eventually. Heck, it will probably even help me dig a bit more into that whole "self-sustaining" living mindset at least in some areas.
Today was a rather productive day, if I do say so myself. I finally found a table (for FREE on Craigslist- can't beat that!) to use as a crafting table. We also found a really nice desk to use as a sewing table for cheap at the Goodwill. So, the room that has been storing all the random stuff since we moved in got cleared out. When I looked at it, I realized it really needed a good vacuuming and shampooing. Since I cannot afford the carpet shampoo for the shampooer, I went online looking for homemade cleaners to use instead. Almost every site I looked at suggested a mixture of white distilled vinegar and water. So, that's what I did. I couldn't believe how well it worked!
So, my crafting room and living room got a shampooing. Then, we went over to a friend's house to help her clear out a back bedroom that was FULL of stuff her landlords had left. Well, we got there late, so weren't much help for that, but got to do a little bit, and then stuck around for some birthday cake! They gave us an old entertainment center they had recently replaced, so we brought that home . When they brought the entertainment center here, Boyfriend talked them into helping him move the crafting table (which is really heavy) into the crafting area.
When we got home from their house, we set up the entertainment center. The end table the tv had been sitting on was moved into the craft room to house my daughter's new convection oven that we got her for her polymer clays. Then the bookshelf that was holding all the dvds and video games got switched out with a smaller one, since the games fit in the entertainment center. The bigger bookcase got moved into the crafting room, and I got to put out all my crafting books, as well as some other random books and now I have more room to unpack more books! Tomorrow, once the battery for the drill is charged, we will hang a shelf for the craft room, and maybe switch around the table and booths in the kitchen.
I'm excited to be finally feeling like we are getting settled in, set up, and making the house our own. I am super excited, though, to have a place set up specifically for crafting. We have a huge table where we can both really spread out our stuff, and not interfere with each other's space! I have an area set up specifically for sewing, so no more excuses. I HAVE to learn how to use that thing, and then actually use it! I think my daughter will use it, too.
I'm hoping that this year turns out to be more creatively productive then last year was.
Having to go back on DSHS has really given my quite a slam to my pride. I worked to get off of it twice before already, and having to go back to it is not something I ever wanted to have to do. The first time was when I got pregnant, the second time was when I got divorced. This time, well, we are victims of this crumbling economy.
There are times when being at work is just too much for me sometimes. There was a moment last week, when I was listening to yet another person I work with who got approved for buying their home. Everyone there seems to be in the process of buying a home. Seriously- I know of 4 offhand. Don't get me wrong. I am super excited for them. It's a huge deal, and it's great to see them so excited and happy. That particular day just happened to be the day that my boyfriend was sitting down at the state office, waiting to hear if we would qualify for any type of assistance. She was gushing about getting the call about being approved for her new house, while I was trying to make sure I got documentation of my earnings down to the state aid office.
We had to borrow a significant amount of money from a friend just to get our rent paid on time. I get paid a day too late, and it would have cost me another $100 for that one-day delay. So my check is gone. My next check, and child support, will all go to next month's rent. Entirely. That leaves no money for paying the bills, which are already late. I am trying really hard not to freak out. Scenarios go through my head that sometimes make me want to scream and cry in frustration. I won't lie- sometimes the crying happens. At least I don't scream.
We turned off our television. I think, overall, that will actually be a good thing. We still have Internet, obviously, since we do so much of our communication through it. But, it is the next thing on the chopping block should it come to that.
All I want is to be stable. Financially stable. Have a little bit extra to go do nice things once in awhile. My dream right now is to be able to take my kids on a real vacation. Somewhere not in this state. Disneyland, Hawaii, the Grand Canyon. Somewhere. I was hoping to do that this year, but that is not going to happen. Maybe next.
I am not trying to give a sob story here. We are still okay for the most part. We did qualify for help with food, which was my main concern. I didn't want to be one of those people who had to decide whether to pay the power so the heat isn't turned off, or to buy food for the children. Luckily, I won't have to. It's just my pride that is suffering.
2011 has been one hell of a year for me. It was not altogether nice. Between my son telling me he was hearing voices, my daughter going blind and fainting in the shower- causing a 911 call, my own issues with my kidneys, some pretty serious fights with my boyfriend, and having to go back on state aid- I've had about more stress than I can handle. It has affected my health. It's affected my job. It's affected my overall general state of mind.
BUT, fortunately I can say that all but one of those has fixed themselves. We are still having to use state aid to get by, but my son, my daughter, myself, and my relationship with my boyfriend are all fine and going strong. I am thankful for that.
I don't feel like I got very much accomplished this past year. A lot of wants. A lot of ideas. A lot of talk. No doing. That is the one thing I hope to change with the new year. More doing. Like the Home Depot commercials say. Yeah- I want that to be me.
Along with doing, I want to simplify. This is where I hope having to go on state aid helps. By giving me a kick in the pants and forcing me to stop and reevaluate my surroundings. Where can I cut back. Where can I do-it-myself? What can I do to make my life simpler, healthier, and more satisfying? How can I do this in a way that will be self-sufficient? How will it help the environment around me? Etc etc etc.
I'm planning on really digging in and get my hands dirty this year. Literally. I'm going to make that garden bed out there flourish. I want to build a compost system so I can make use of all those leftovers that make my stomach squirm every time I throw them in the garbage. I want to plant fruits and veggies so that I can have fresh, healthy food for my family. Eventually I'd like to get a chicken coop built so I can have a few chickens, too.
I plan on cooking more at home. With limited funds with which to spend going out, or on frivolous food, we will be forced to sit down and actually think about what we want to eat. We will be more apt to plan menus and actually shop for and prepare what is on them. By doing so, I hope to eat more health-conscious. I am a bit worried about this part, because I've noticed that it seems the more healthy a food- the more expensive it is. But by preparing our meals at home, and utilizing what I'm able to grow in the garden, I hope to have a better idea and control of what I am actually putting into our bodies.
I want to work on crafting. I want to make it more of a priority in my day-to-day life. I am hoping that tomorrow I will be able to get in and nab that table/desk down at the Goodwill to turn into a sewing station. I already have a few beginner-type projects in mind that, if they turn out right, will become gifts for a pregnant friend of mine. (Ssshhh... she doesn't know!). My daughter has gotten very into crafting lately, so I'm hoping that her drive helps push me along, too. If I am focusing on helping her achieve her goals, then I will help mine by helping her. =) Win-win.
With this in mind, I sat down and compiled a short list of my goals for 2012. These are not resolutions. I always fail at those. They are just goals I've set, and I hope to have them all finished by this time next year.
1. Build that composter system.
2. Finish writing Bone & Silver.
3. Blog on each of my websites at least once a week.
4. Do some sort of craft once a week. Even if it's working on an ongoing project- do something!
5. Visit Mount Saint Helens with the kids.
6. Visit Mount Rainier with the kids.
7. Start using my sewing machine.
8. Make my own soap.
9. Learn to knit &/or crochet.
10. Cook and eat at home most of the time.
11. Eat less processed food.
12. Grow my garden and eat it!
When I was fresh out of high school, I weighed 105 pounds- 115 if I was wet and having a "fat" day. While seeing others that were overweight didn't bother me, and most of them I still see as beautiful women, I just couldn't fathom it happening to me. I would just never let that happen. I heard the stories of women who gained weight while they were pregnant, and then couldn't get it back off. I figured that wouldn't happen to me, either. Heck, I did 2 hours of aerobics every other day for goodness sake. I would continue to exercise and eat healthy while I was pregnant and keep myself fit and trim.
I can hear you laughing already. Ahh... to be 18 again...
Take into consideration the fact that I lived with 6 other people in a house the size of maybe a double garage. There was no room to work out. I wasn't in high school anymore with the required P.E. class to work out at. Not to mention the fact that I didn't realize the severity of a craving. An honest-to-goodness-gnaw-at-your-bones craving. For me, it was Snickers and Chicken McNuggets. Yeah- not gonna gain weight at all with that diet!
So, there I was, gaining weight and not caring. I quickly went into the mentality of "I'm pregnant. I'm suppose to eat more!" LOL.... Denial is bliss, sometimes, isn't it?
While I was pregnant with my son, I gained a lot of weight. Heck, he was 10lbs and 10oz, and 21&3/4 inches long. He wasn't a small baby. I gave birth to a linebacker! But he wasn't the entire reason for all my weight. It was the general laziness that came over me. I didn't want to exercise. Then it got too cold. I'm sorry, but I am the biggest cold wuss there is on the face of the planet. I hate it, and it makes me shrivel in a corner and cry. I'm being almost literal here. So, too cold for outdoorsey exercise.
I told you that, at most, I was 115 pounds when I got pregnant. By the time I had him, I was tipping the scales at 190.
I did manage to lose quite a bit of that weight. I actually probably got down to what most would consider a "normal" weight afterwards. I was around 140. At 5'6" this tends to be an acceptable weight. It wasn't for me. I got pregnant again, gained a bunch of weight again, and got back down to around 140-150. Again- probably more acceptable for most.
Not for me.
I'd lived my life as this skinny little minnie, and now all I could see was flub. I'm back at the 180-190 mark again. No babies this time. No "excuses" this time. What is crazy is when I think back onto when I was at the 140-150 mark. I thought I was huge. I actually saw myself as I look now. I understand the visual "hallucinations" anorexics see in the mirror, although I've never been anorexic. Because I had them.
All of this is leading up to that one important question: What am I going to do about it?
If you have read my blog, or if you know me personally, you might know about the recent scare I had with my kidneys. Mind you, I had already come to the conclusion, and the action, of changing my diet and getting a bit more exercise. More veggies, less junk food in the house, and walking to and from work feels good. So, that change had already been made. I'd do about 3-4 days of walking for an hour at a low-moderate pace on my treadmill as well. However, when I had the scare with my kidneys, it really drove home the fact that I need to start focusing on not just my weight, but on my overall health. Again, I had already made this conscious decision, but this really proved it to me in a way that made it stick.
I've taken on a morning and evening routine of light exercise. 25 crunches, 25 knee-push ups, 25 upper leg lifts, 25 lower leg lifts, 25 side crunches, 25 more push ups, 25 more upper leg, 25 more lower leg. It's not much, but it's a start. We've continued to eat better (if you just go ahead and discount this entire holiday season... we'll just pretend all that didn't happen). I've continued to walk to work as much as possible, but it hasn't been as much as I'd like. Life sometimes just gets in the way of that. And my treadmill has been unplugged, so time to remove the Christmas tree so I can plug it back in again. I need to get back on that thing. I need to steal my daughter's Ipod, learn how to download audiobooks/ebooks to it, and start walking. Hopefully advance to jogging, and maybe someday running.
I think I've lost sight of my original intention for this blog post. I don't remember what my 'moral-of-the-story' was intended to be. But, I guess it boils down to the fact that one of my new year resolutions is to take charge of not just my weight, but my overall health. Physical, mental, emotional. I have plans to help me obtain some of those. I'll post another blog concerning the more nitty grit of that in a bit.