~A Bitter Swallow~

I had something of an epiphany regarding me and my boundaries (or lack thereof) over this weekend.   I've noticed that it's always those I love who I allow to push my boundaries (in a not-in-a-good-growth-way). 

My roommate recently moved out.  Well, a couple months ago now.  However, due to the quick nature of the move (and the distance), much of her stuff was left at the house.  She was still paying rent, but I knew that at some point, the rent would stop.  I had developed a game plan for that side of the house that would allow me to reconfigure my own space, and allow for a massive (much needed purge).  I figured I could do this, and then turn around and get the space re-rented by the first of the year.    However, all of the "I'll come get it this weekend" kept getting waylayed.  I was accommodating because I knew she was having a difficult time with everything.  Things kept happening. 

My epiphany came when I realized that-  things keep happening to me, too.  Life is hard.  Shit happens, and it can be crazy and stressful and hard.  But, why was I letting the fact that other people were having a difficult time be a reason to continue to allow behavior and or activity that was stressful to me, that was causing me mental distress, etc..?   Why is it okay for me to continue to shoulder things that were others responsibility, just because life is happening to them, too? 



It's not just my roommate that I allowed this with, but with so many instances that I can look at within my life.  Once I voiced how much the stuff being there was stressing me out, my roommate made it a point to come get it done.  Once I set my boundaries and stuck to them, it was okay.  Most of the time people are going to understand.  Maybe they didn't realize how much it was affecting me (like in this example).  Those who don't understand-  that's okay.  I need to keep those boundaries in place and stand by them.  I suppose I'm now in a point in my life that I need to re-figure out what my boundaries are.   How to keep them firm.  It's going to be a process.   I'm prepared for that. 

My brain has been on overdrive lately.  I've had a lot of things to think about.  I had done some spellwork and asked for some things, and I'm overwhelmed at how much has been given to me, in ways I hadn't expected.   Sorting through these things is a process, and part of what I need to do in order to fully realize my spell and benefit from its progress. 

Mostly I focused on jobs, money, and abundance.  I needed things to stabilize, and to feel like I'm moving forward.  I also needed the life around me to change- I need to let go of things, to come into my Self and to really focus on me, and what I want in life.    I needed negativity and stress around me to diminish, so that I could relax and authentically feel.

Energy moves in mysterious ways, and sometimes that which is bigger than us has a better picture of what we need.  Or maybe it's our deep subconscious.  I like to think it's both, working together.  In any event, sifting through what has been happening since I worked that spell, and seeing how it has indeed worked to give me what I asked for, is a pretty awesome thing.  At first I thought it had completely backfired, but once I sat back and allowed things to progress, and to accept that the Goddess knew what she was doing, I really began to reap the rewards and to gain a new appreciation for my sense of Self, of my own magic and power, and for the Universe and our connectivity to it. 





I wanted my finances to get better.  For this- I focused on getting another job.  Well,  instead of getting a job right away like I thought would happen, my roommate moved out.  Pretty counter-intuitive to what I had asked for, right?   But, as I struggled with that-  I realized that I wasn't worse off, because she is still taking care of rent while her stuff is still here (and I am unable to re-rent the place).  I was still frustrated and more worried, because now I really need a second job.  I didn't want to take just anything, though.  I wanted something that would still nurture my Self.  However, I began to think I would have to let go of that idea, and that I'd wind up in customer service and probably be miserable for awhile, but at least I'd get my bills paid.  I remember thinking "I just need a funeral home to need someone in the evenings"... and then laughed, because that's not necessarily a "night job". 

Oh, I was corrected.  The very next day in fact.  A posting came across my email for a "removal techinican", and I thought "You have to be joking..".   Sure enough, it's what it sounded like.  I sent in my resume.  I got an interview.  I got hired on the spot.   It's unconventional in what I was looking for, in that I don't have a set expectation of what I might make per pay period.  That said- it was only extra money to put towards credit cards, so I was okay with that.  Now, turns out it will be to keep rent paid, but I'm still okay with that.  The job is something I have always been extremely interested in.  It is stressful in its own sense, but I'm figuring out how to work through and with that. 

Now, I just got propositioned with another possibility.  One that comes with much more responsibility, but also probably a pretty decent pay increase.  At first, I thought it would interfere with the new job.  I was torn, because I thought I had to choose.  But, after some serious consideration (and a trip to a palm reader as well as more than a couple cups of coffee while I moaned to various friends about wtf I was going to do...), I realized I can still do both.  It will take a little bit of adjustment, but it will work.  I don't have to give up one for the other. 

It is, in fact, another answer.  I didn't want to have to get another roommate.  I was dreading it, because 1.  I can REALLY use that extra space.  and 2.  I don't want to deal with having to vet someone new coming into my space, or deal with someone who will constantly want to come hang out with me and talk to me.   If I secure this new thing, then I think there's  a pretty decent chance that I will be able to completely cover my rent, bills, food... and then use the removal job as it was intended- to pay off my credit card debt.   And who knows... will I shift more towards the funeral industry as I get more experience?  Maybe.  I don't know.  I have plenty of time to figure that all out though as I work through everything. 

I am grateful right now.  I'm grateful that I'm getting clear feedback of my own power.   I'm a magical fucking person and I am manifesting the shit out of things.  I need this.  I will gain control over my life again, and live happily and successfully. 

Well, my first pay period with the new job is done.  My first full week on-call netted 5 job calls, logging 13.25 hours.  I'm curious to see what the paycheck will look like.  I'm also curious as to what my numbers will look like once I'm trained up and on rotation by myself instead of going with everyone to learn the ropes.  Will I still get as much action?  Will it be sustainable?  Is it going to do for me what I need it to?

Last night and today were calls to the hospital.  They were pretty straight forward. I'm starting to remember all of the little things.  I'm getting the hang of getting the gurney in and out of the van.  Even when it's got a person on it.  I am beginning to do all the things, and get comfortable with them.  I've still only been on the one house-call, and those are what concern me the most.  However, I take comfort knowing I will NEVER be alone on one of those.  But I think I'd be okay doing a hospital run by myself now. 

I was told last night that I actually look happy.  I guess I am happy.  I'm happy I got a job doing something I'm interested in.  I'm happy I'm making plans and goals that are totally attainable.  I'm happy that I feel like life is finally moving forward instead of just stuck in the bog.   Hopefully this momentum continues forward.  I continue to manifest- to put my energy out there.  To make my thoughts actions, and those actions create reality. 

One thing I need to start paying attention to, particularly on the weekends, is making sure I'm eating and drinking water.  Early.  I am so accustomed to just coffee in the morning, and then I will eat a few hours later more towards noon.  Today and last weekend though, I got called in right when I was thinking about making some food.  Today was actually right when I got done at the grocery store buying some veggies I wanted for my scrambled eggs.  So, I didn't eat anything or get any water in me until I got home at 3:15pm.   This is not good.  I'm going to have to get some easy grab-and-go items to have on hand for instances like  this.. that I can maybe keep in my bag with my change of clothes.  Just in case I need to get something in my stomach to sustain me for a couple of hours until I get done and can get home and make something. 

Other than that, I think things are going okay.  I've got some plans for the house after this weekend.  I'm continuing to enjoy my birds and squirrels during my weekend morning coffee (eight crows today!!  🖤 )  I'm hoping to get my backyard to the same level of peacefulness that I have in my front yard, if not more since it's more private. 

I'm still stressed.  It's hard continually being on-call.  I'm never "off work".  My dating life just went down the toilet.  My social life.. well, it can still happen, but I've already been called away during a thing.  By the time I got back it was winding down.   I feel like this is just going to be my reality for awhile.  My friends and family all know what's up, and not only accept it- they seem genuinely interested.   As for the dating-  meh.   I wasn't really doing much of that anyway, at least not without significant eye-rolling.   I think I can do without that for awhile.

After quite a bit of contemplation, I've decided to return to this blog and start using it again.   I've tried other means of self-reflection, etc... but I've found that here is where I would really actually put thoughts down "to paper" and allow myself to delve into the inner depths of my psyche and question things.  Where I could write, formulate, contemplate, and digest.  Sometimes those thoughts would turn into concrete ideas, plans, goals- and occasionally accomplishments.  

Not very many read this, and that's okay.  Maybe they read it and just didn't react.  Maybe they read it and it just bored them so they didn't bother.  That's all okay too.  While feedback, conversation, etc.. is welcomed (for the most part),  I have to remember that this blog is for ME.  For my own self-workings.  Not for those reading it.  Even if no one reads it.

So, here I am again.  How often I'll be around-  no telling.  I'm hoping more often than not.  Digging further into my Self is an on-going goal.  I do better with writing, so I guess we'll see what happens.  I'm going to try to not censor myself here.  I think part of my aggravation before was that I was.  I would focus too much on the idea of what other people reading it might think... so I wasn't authentic to my feelings.  Nothing progressive or healing or bettering will come from that.  So, here is your warning that if you are offended by anything I say... too bad.  If you are willing-  let's discuss it.  

After recent events and revelations, I have decided that I will no longer be posting on this site.  I just no longer see a point to it.

  I feel like I'm balancing precariously on the edge of a precipice.  I'm hovering over this great big void.  I don't know what I'm trying to accomplish.  I don't know what I'm trying to reach towards, nor do I know what I'm trying to avoid falling into or what I'm desperately climbing away from anymore. Should I even be running?  I'm stuck in this limbo, poised on the blade waiting to see which side claims me.. where my balance will falter to.  Where will I lean? 

I'm alienating myself from everyone.  At least that's how it feels as of late.  Consciously or subconsciously I'm doing things that cause them to pull away, or I pull away until they no longer make the attempt.  I'm retreating back into my isolated cave, where the walls stifle the noise and I can rest in the still silence.  The chaos is dimmed, and I no longer have to try and decipher masks, be it theirs or my own. 

There are crevices in here though, and I'm stuck on one now-hovering. 

Thoughts drift in and back out of my mind.  Questions as to why I do the things I do.
Why do I talk to the people I talk to?  Why do I want to talk to the people I want to talk to? Why do I avoid others?  What do I want to achieve with myself?  What am I fighting for?  What is it that I really want?  How do I obtain it? What makes me truly happy?  Why aren't I doing that? What can I do to obtain that? Why do I bother?  Is it even possible?  Is it worth it?  Is anything worth it?     What would happen if I just let myself plummet?  If I just took the dive?  Is it suicide?  Is it release?  Is it acceptance?  Is it allowing myself to finally realize my potential?  What awaits me at the other side?

So many questions.  So many thoughts.  Sometimes it's a quiet contemplation. Sometimes it's a manic quest for answers that leaves me a wretched sobbing mess balled on the ground.  Always it ends with me standing there, balanced on my precipice, looking over the edge, squinting above me, searching for an indication as to which way to go.  I have a feeling the next move I make will be important.  Or it may be utterly inconsequential.   Until then...  I hover, and I contemplate. 

   I haven't had the best of luck when it comes to men in my life.   This is no secret.  I know I'm not the easiest person to handle.  I have a tendency to push people away- to build walls out of my fears and anxieties and let past wounds bleed the grout that keeps them tall and strong, keeping other people and feelings at bay.   Because of this, I know that with time, people just don't want to deal with it anymore-  that I am no longer worth the trouble.  I can deal with that.  It's understandable and I can accept that. 

What I've been finding myself running into more recently though (the past year or two), are people who just completely vanish with no warning.  I'm not talking about the relationships that just kind of dwindle away, but instead come to an unexpected, abrupt end.  I'm talking those people you meet who when you see their name come up, you instantly smile, you are instantly comfortable with, the conversations that seem to just flow-  tons in common, able to talk about anything and it feels natural not forced, consistently easy-  and then all of a sudden they are gone.  It's been to the point where I am seriously concerned that something dire has happened, but no... all signs (social media, etc..) point to them just cutting off communications with me.  This has happened not only with people who I have only been talking with for a short time (week or so), up to people I have been corresponding with for quite some time (years).   Some I have met in person and some not.  Some I had come to consider actual friends.  Then, with no warning,,,poof... gone.  No warning, no explanation, nothing.  One day we are chatting like everything is swell, and (literally) the next day they are gone.  It's so sudden and jarring and I'm not really sure it's actually happening until a few days, a week, etc.. have passed and my attempts to make contact continue to go unanswered, and then I'm ready to admit that I've once again been stranded with no reason (at least none provided). 

I am not too proud to realize that there is one blaringly common denominator in all of these situations, and that is me.   I've tried going back over all of the previous conversations to see if perhaps I said something that might have been taken wrong, or something... but there is nothing I can see that could have provoked such drastic measures.   I'm still floundering, trying to figure out what has happened in each case.     I'm left with my imagination, the sting of a lost friendship (and in some cases what I thought/ hoped may come to more), and another brick in my wall of "trust gone awry".  A thing I've been trying desperately to break down.  I'm still doing my best to not hide behind it, to trust people and know that somehow, they have their reasons for what has been done, even if I do not know the truth of it.  To trust that someday, someone will stick around.   It's a bitter pill to swallow, though, and man, that sucker is big.  



I'd just like to know why.   That's all I want.  What happened?  Why does it keep happening?  What is it that causes them to just disappear like that- so sudden?  It would be one thing if it was a gradual thing.  I understand that things die off.   It's the suddenness of it that is getting to me.  Something that I think is going just fine is just cut off.  It's more than just a Band-Aid being ripped off- you at least know the Band-Aid is there and is about to be torn off.  You know a pain is coming.  This is like being blindsided by a bus when you are on some backwoods country road and didn't see another vehicle coming for miles.    Is there something I am doing wrong?  Is there something about me that is all of sudden coming out and is repulsive to people- so much so that they can't even confront me about it?  I mean, seriously... what the actual fuck?   It's flabbergasting.  If it was just one or two guys it wouldn't bother me so much, but when you start having to use both hands to count them, shit is getting ridiculous.

Oh well.  As confusing, frustrating, and sad as it is... all I can do  is just continue to move on.  I'm not going to fight for someone who doesn't want me in their life; especially someone who doesn't even have the decency to at least say good-bye.  After my repeated attempts at communication go ignored and I take finally realize and take the hint-  I'm done.   I'm not going to sit here and berate myself, nit-picking to find every flaw and negative thing about me any longer than I already have.  I've worked hard to move away from the self-depreciation and into self-acceptance.  I'm not going to say I'm "happy" with myself, because anyone who knows me or has followed me long enough knows about my depression issues, but I am also not going to change for anyone either.  I've gotten to a point where I am content enough.  If I  decide I need to change something about myself (like trying to be nicer and happier, dammit, along with the whole 'be healthier' kick I've been on), it's going to be for me, not someone else.  If someone feels like I'm worth sticking around for through that, then awesome.  Otherwise, I have enough negativity without them.  I'm more interested in surrounding myself with positive energies at this junction in my life.  While I'd like to know the answers to my questions, I also realize I just may never know, and I suppose I'm okay with that.  Here they can sit, purged from my brain (which is the whole intent of this blog), and now I can move on to something more productive this weekend... like Orphan Black,  various movies, perusing and attempting recipes from this awesome little book:  The Geeky Chef Cookbook, walking in the damn parade,  and pendant making. among other things...  ;)