My daughter had to do a writing assignment detailing her life from birth to present. She sat asking me about her past, what we did, special memories, etc... And I couldn't remember anything. The more I sat and watched her hopeful expression the more like an asshole I felt. Here she was wanting all those cool moments in time, and there was nothing for me to express.
Well, nothing positive. There were plenty of "bad" memories. But no "good" ones. No vacations, no special occasions, and anything else that happened, I couldn't remember. It makes me feel absolutely horrible.
I want to change that, but I just can't afford it. And now, I have to weigh that with my own desires. I really, REALLY want to be a stay-at-home mom. I always have. This whole working thing was suppose to be temporary. But, it's not looking like it's going to end anytime soon, and that's screwing with my mental health. However, if I ever want to be able to take my kids on an actual vacation, I can't stop working. I have no idea when Dustin is going to go get a job, and unemployment isn't going to last forever, so I have to make sure I have some kind of stable income coming in.
I want to give my kids those special memories. I want them to be able to point to specific moments and saw "That was amazing!".
I'm starting to think that this condition I put upon myself to write every day may have been a mistake. Well, I know it's not a mistake, but it has been proving to be much more frustrating than I had anticipated. I envisioned myself picking up all sorts of random ideas or topics to write about, but when I go to do the deed, my mind is blank. I am sitting in one of those old school desks- the type that have the table that lifts, and is attached to the chair. It's hard and uncomfortable and my tailbone hurts. I stare at that stupid black chalkboard in front of me, but nothing is on it. I can see the powdery white of words long past, erased over and over, but nothing is there now. I do not even see any chalk on the rim. Just the dusty old eraser.
(*Side note: I tried like hell to find a picture to convey what I just wrote, and I could not for the life of me find something that fit... Perhaps an idea for a certain photographer I know.... provided we can find an old desk and chalkboard...)
Grrrr...
I still have not bought my dream journal, and I think I'm about to throttle myself. Dreams are always an easy one to bounce off of. If nothing else, I can use them to write.. just write my dream in as much detail as I can remember. They are fascinating sometimes, and it distresses me to no end that I cannot remember them. Sweet, beautiful butterflies in my broken net. Some mending needs to be done. I keep saying I need to get over my fear of my sewing machine.
I've been thinking a lot about birds lately. How they fly, so free. It's cliche, but I cannot help it. It tugs at my heart, and I've had to turn away lest cry inside (and maybe outside). Then there is the raven that was tearing up the chicken bone left wire-bound to the sign post at the marina.... that was fascinating and disturbing at the same time. Sometimes I identify with that one, too... not necessarily with the food aspect, but with the fierceness of desire, and sense of entitlement, I guess.
Water captures my attention just as the birds do. So, when I sit down at the marina dock, I am pretty much lost in thought- my focus crashing with the waves or flying with the seagulls... They fill me with a deep sense of longing... as if there is something I have lost right there within my grasp.. Sometimes it's with that sense of freedom; a break from responsibilities, duties, expectations.
Where oh where has this blog gone?
I wanted to watch a movie about dragons, but had to write instead. Dang nabbit.
I'm done.
I'm suppose to be writing every day, and lately I've been having a severe lack of ideas. I think it's because I wait until so late to start thinking about it, so instead of being able to focus on an actual topic, I'm thinking more about still having to take a shower, get leftovers put away, dishes washed, and being able to go to bed in a timely manner ( I heart
I try to have people give me ideas, but more often than not they wind up being way too involved in storyline or thought, and don't fit the need that I need them for. Sometimes something strikes the right chord in me, and I can pull it off to an acceptable note (like the turtle and penguin story I wrote for Dustin). Other times, it just fills my stomach with dread trying to come up with the scenarios surrounding it. However, I do keep them all filed away in a little box in my head (or document on my computer) for later use, because I never know when suddenly that idea will work!
The other day I got a part of my actual story I'm working on written, and it's even pretty much satisfactory. For now anyway. But I don't read it and hate it, like some other parts. I'm trying not to focus on that at this point though. The goal is to get the story written down, and then I can go back and beef it up. Switch stuff around. Whatever. My biggest concern with this, however, is that some of my goings over have contributed to major changes in story line, and if I have already written it, then it's huge rewrites. I am viewing it as just more experience, though. That if I hadn't written what I changed, then maybe I never would have thought of the change to begin with. Whatever keeps me going, I guess.
Like dreams of making it big! Authors are one of those great areas where you can be super rich and have your name be famous, without everyone really knowing what you look like. So I can still go out to eat, go to a movie, shopping, whatever.
Dreams... gotta love them.
Speaking of which, I really do need to go buy myself a notebook and pen to keep by my bed to record my dreams in. Some great ideas have come from my dreams. Well, pretty much every honest story I've started writing (or have ambition for) have come from dreams. In creative writing class in high school, my best stuff came from dreams. So, I need to be better about keeping track of them. The best part is- the more I keep track of them, the more vivid they become. And the easier to remember all those little details.
Ok, well that's my post for today. Hey, at least I came here and wrote something, eh?
In my quest for happiness, etc.. blah blah blah, I decided that I should have a bucket list. A to-do list for my life. I like the idea of having a list that I can look at, to help point me along the paths I should be taking. I am in the beginning stages of two separate lists- one that pertains just to things I want to accomplish, and another that pertains to things I'd like to accomplish with the family. I figure this will help me plan vacations, or even just see where I need to work towards. I still need to sit down with the kids and get their wish lists to help add to that list. In any event, for those of you interested, here are my two lists as they've been completed thus far:
Bucket List (Personal)
1. Finish writing Bone & Silver
2. Publish Bone & Silver
3. Write another book
4. Learn how to speak / write Latin
5. Learn how to crochet or knit
6. Take a cruise
7. Visit every state in the U.S.
8. Visit the pyramids in Egypt
9. Visit Rome
10. Visit Australia
11. Learn to salsa dance
12. Stay in a 5-star hotel
13. Go to the beaches on Hawaii
14. See a volcano
15. Learn to spin on the spinning wheel
16. Own my own home
17. Ride a train
18. Lose 40 pounds
19. Keep the weight off!
20. Learn how to sew clothing
21. Become debt free (fix my credit report!)
22. Stay in a haunted house (or hotel)
23. Learn how to and actually make my own liquors
24. Teach myself to write left-handed
25. Learn to drive a stick-shift
26. Be able to do the splits
27. See Stonehenge
28. Go on a safari
29. See a ballet
30. See an opera
31. Get acupuncture
32. Learn to shoot my bow
33. Take singing lessons
34. See the original Mona Lisa
35. Write everyday
36. Work on (and complete!) at least one craft per week
37. Buy a brand new car
38. Take singing lessons
Bucket List (with family)
1. Places to visit:
a) Disneyland
b) Disney world
c) Sea World
d) San Diego Zoo
e) California Redwoods
f) Vegas
g) New York City
h) Statue of Liberty
i) Grand Canyon
j) Yosemite
k) Hawaii
l) Mount Rushmore
2. Go on a picnic
3. Go camping
4. Go geocaching
5. Teach the kids to drive
6. Do science experiments from the books we bought
Do you have a bucket list? I'd love to hear any suggestions, or what you would like to accomplish before you "kick the bucket".
Maybe not necessarily always a blog post. Once again I have decided that I need to write every day. Before I am allowed to go to bed, no matter how miserable and tired I am, I have to write something- be it a blog post, journaling or part of my story, it has to be something more than just a status update on Facebook. Even if I just go to one of my blogger sites and bitch about how much it's pissing me off that I decided to do this!
Today's topic is not as riveting as me having a temper tantrum. Today's topic is teeth, and the oh-so-dreaded trip to the dentist. You see, I have not been to the dentist in, oh, let's say, ten(ish) years. Recently (recent being over the past few months) my teeth have been really bothering me. A couple weeks ago, my jaw gave out tremendous pain while chewing, to the point where I thought I was going to have to call Dustin home and have him take me to the urgent care. It wound up going away on its own, but my teeth have still been very sensitive, especially while eating. The last time I had been to the dentist, they had warned that I was heading down the path of root canals. So, understandably, I've been terrified of going to have my teeth looked at. I was pretty sure I was in store for a lot of pain being dealt to my mouth, and a lot of money pouring out of my pocket.
My sister recommended I go see a new dentist she had just found. So, I called and made an appointment. It snuck up all ninja-like on me today, and I think I almost had an anxiety attack, although I think I kept my cool pretty well. Dr. Bloomquist took a look at my films, pointing out what she saw. Apparently the joints in my jaw are not the greatest, but neither are they of concern (at least not yet). She said everything on the film looked good. She then proceeded to make me say "Aaaaaahhhhhhhggggghhhhh". She dug around in there, poking with that stupid little pointy metal thing that always reminds me of pottery class (those dental tools rocked in that class! You know, when they aren't poking at my teeth!). And then I got the news....
I have a tiny, intsy bitsy cavity on the back of my very last tooth in the back of my mouth. So small, it hadn't shown up on the film. So small that I had the option of not even doing anything about it and seeing what happened. I opted to get it filled, and that will happen next week (hopefully while under a lot of numbing agents, and I even have the option of some anti-anxiety meds. I'm a pretty big freakin' wuss....). Then, I am in dire need of a cleaning. We decided it will be like power-washing the house.. when you can visibly see the crap coming off.... so that was lovely.
And that's it. After all this pain, suffering, agonizing and terror... I have a small little cavity. She says the pain and sensitivity are probably due to the tartar build-up. I guess they cause pressure on the nerves or something... I forgot to listen after hearing I only had one teensy cavity. I was still in shock.. waiting for the horrible news about having to rip all my teeth out and put in metal pointy replacements (that's totally what I would have gone after if that had been the case... how cool would that be?!).
So, Dr. Bloomquist was awesome, and I am thankful my sister recommended her. And I'm still flabbergasted that I don't have more wrong with me. She told me I have beautiful teeth. I've heard that from all 3 dentists I've ever been to. Guess I got lucky in that department, thank goodness!!
So, the "Rapture" came and went, with nothing insomuch as a firework to display it. At least not around here. Although, we did have a wedding going on across the street. I thought that was sweet. Hey, if by some miracle the dude was right, what better place to be, then surrounded by friends and family celebrating love?
In any event, though I did not believe the world was going to fall apart, while the "good" were risen up into Heaven, it did make me stop and think "What if?" What if it did happen? Where would I stand? If I had to stand before an ultimate judge, where would I go? Now, I do not believe in the Christian God... let me rephrase.. I do not believe that he is "Ultimate". However, I do believe in spiritual powers out there that are higher than anything us mortals could ever wrap our little minds around. Hell, I am certain that the animals have a closer understanding to "God" than we do. Animals, and babies. But I digress... that is another blog post...
My point is that I do think we are "judged", though maybe not in the "This soul gets to go to Heaven and this soul gets to go to Hell" sort of way. But I believe our life is a lesson of choices and actions.. and the next life we embody is a result of those choices. Maybe not completely karmatic, as some believe, but to an extent, I do think so.. So, if the world ended tomorrow... if just my world ended tomorrow... How would I be judged? How would I judge me?
I do not think I am necessarily a bad person, but lately I have not felt like much of a good one, either. As I mentioned in another post, I've become too bitter, too hardened in the heart. I judge others too harshly, too soon. I use to be the great balancer.. the great "there are two sides to every story, if not more" person. I always tried to see from the other person's eyes before making judgements.. but not anymore. I make judgements before I even know the person, sometimes before they even say a word. This fact makes me feel very little and shallow. I've tried to change it, but it's not an easy task. I've been wronged a time or two, and I think those scars are a bit deep. I've had too many take advantage of my trustfulness, of my giving nature, to the point where they've taken it all from me. Now the task is to find it again.. rekindle that flame of good-naturedness and love and trust, and to let it burn bright again. The battle is finding out how to do so...
They say that if you smile at one person, you can change an entire day... and I believe it to be true. I want to start by just smiling more. To take the time to stop and listen again... to the people I love, to those who I've never met who cross my path, to those I work with, and even sometimes just to listen to nothing.. because everything has a voice, and everything has a story to tell. I want to hear them. I want to smile at a person, and have that person smile at a person, and have that person smile at a person... I want to be a part of that domino effect. I want my domino effect to be a positive one... not a negative one.
Slowing down.. that's something I need to remember how to do. I need to let myself realize that life will still go on if the dishes sit in the sink and I take the kids to the park instead. That the money is going to be spent, so I should take solace in spending it creating memories instead of flushing it on something we'll never remember even an hour from now. That I do not have to be perfect... it's okay not to be perfect..
So, Mr. Rapture dude... maybe your calculations were wrong, and you were not lifted on the wings of angels up to Heaven, but maybe you caused others to do the same as me. Maybe you changed the way some think.. caused them to reevaluate what is really important to them. And while the changes in us may not be significant, even one small thing being reworked to a more positive way is a step in the right direction...
I have noticed that since I actually started using Facebook on a regular, daily basis, my blogging has been flushed right down the toilet. I put little thoughts on Facebook, so blogging feels a bit redundant. Everyone who reads this is on my Facebook (at least as far as I know), so you've already heard it! The stuff that doesn't make it on Facebook, well.. I was taught the whole "If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all.." idea. So, yeeeaaahhh...... Then I also have the guilt associated with feeling like if I am in a mood for writing, then it should be focused on my story, and not a stupid blog.
That said, I'm going to whine for awhile. It's fair warning, so you can bolt now and save your ears.
I've turned into such a cynical person. I didn't use to be like this. I use to be a very optimistic, trusting, loving person. I always saw the good in people, and judged off the good, not what I perceived to be the bad. I don't know where that was lost, but somewhere along the way it went a different way. My bread crumbs, maybe... eaten up by the crows. I want it back. I was much happier when I wasn't so cynical. When everything was beautiful and full of hope, instead of grey and lacking.
I know it's a matter of rewiring my thinking. I need to stop myself when I feel myself thinking negative thoughts. Redirect them to find the positive in the situation, instead. The problem is: I've been trying to do that, but there are some things I just don't see any silver lining in at all. Some use to have some silver, but silver will tarnish if left too long.
I'm also having a hard time with working. Don't get me wrong, I love my job. I found a wonderful job with an absolutely fantastic group of people. I didn't think that kind of job existed out there. But I have it. Which makes my not wanting to work make me feel even worse, because I know how lucky I am to have it. I have always been the type of person who preferred the life of a housewife, though. I don't like having to be somewhere at a specific time/etc... I hate when I have to miss the kids' stuff because of work, because I have no more sick time or vacation time. I hate always being sick, and feeling like it's completely stress related. Some of my happiest times were when I got to be a stay-at-home mom/housewife... cooking, cleaning, etc. I know it sounds strange, but I really relish in that. I hate feeling like I have two (three, four) jobs. I have to work all day, then come home and clean (and sometimes cook), be a mom (which I adore), do laundry, etc etc etc. But it stresses me out. When I have down time, I no longer want to get out and do anything, I just want to sink into myself, emerge myself in something mind-numbing (games, no drugs!) and hibernate... hermitize myself. Then I feel guilty for being unproductive and lazy. When I stayed home, I was way more productive, and much less stressed out about it. I could take a complete day off from housework, etc and just go play, and not feel like a jack-ass. I was a more happy, relaxed person.
Of course, the days when I was a housewife, I could afford it. Well, maybe I should rethink that, too, because my ex-husband made just above minimum-wage, and we were fine. Maybe it's just a matter of rethinking and reevaluating what I deem to be important and necessary in my life. Where can I pinch and will it really hurt if I do?
Ok.. enough of that off my mind. Next time I will talk about something less whiny! Or I'll at least pass out some cheese and crackers to go with it!
Today my Pumpkin turns 14. Wow.. where does the time go?? The other day I was sifting through some old pictures of the kids when they were younger. Time sure does fly by in an instant, doesn't it? I was reflecting on all the choices I've made as a mother. I wish I could have been smarter about it when he was little. I did a lot of stupid, stupid things. I made some very unwise decisions. But, throughout it all, I must have done okay, because my kid is phenomenal. I wish I could hug him right now, but he's at his dad's. I will see him later for his party today though.
If I had it to do all over again, would I? I definitely wouldn't change when I had him. He came at the perfect time. I do truly believe he saved my life, and I tell him that all of the time. I was on a very bad path, and if he had not have shown up when he did, who knows where I would have landed. I'm pretty certain it wouldn't have been somewhere good. I was able to stop all of that bad stuff the instant I found out I was no longer responsible for just myself anymore. There was a little person in me that I needed to care for. Now it was about that one. Not me.
He was such a wonderful baby. Even though his entry into this world was a bit tremulous. Not for anything wrong with him. He was perfect. But the stupid doctor I had was a moron. No, Pumpkin was an absolute delight. I never had the problems with incessant crying. He slept in my bed until I decided it was time for his toddler bed, which he moved into without a fuss. Then his big boy bed in his own room thrilled him instead of scaring him. He would get up in the morning, and go quietly turn on the television and stay super quiet to let me sleep in. He was (and still is) such an angel.
Of course, he is a boy, and boys are accident prone. We had the time they had to straight-jacket him to clean globs of dirt out of his eye. The time he almost cut his toe off. The time he was learning to walk, and fell in the emergency room while we were waiting for his grandma and split his head open... Not to mention his belly button, the inch-long wire of bracing wire sticking him in the mouth for three days, and the infamous toe incident.
He is the bestest big brother. He was so thrilled for his baby sister. And he helped me out as much as a three-year-old possibly could with her.
I love you, my ninja Pumpkin! Remember I am always here for you, NO MATTER WHAT! You are reaching that age where everyone says the turbulence comes in. Of course, they said that about you when you were younger, too, and it never happened. I hope our relationship always stays strong and true. I LOVE YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
I made a new writing blog. It's pretty. Find it here: Thaydra Writes. I'll try to actually keep up with it. We'll see. I make no promises. I mean, look how often I post here! Bwahahahaha! No really.. I'll try. That one is more important!