Today I am grateful for:
1. The simple act of being able to lay out a blanket and lounge in the sun while reading a book. One of my favorite things to do.
2. Gardening. There is something so deeply satisfying on multiple levels. I never wear gloves when gardening (heavy gardening, such as pulling blackberry vines I will, but not normal weeding, planting, etc). The feel of my hands in the dirt, the earth under my nails, is soothing and rewarding.
3. Taking a walk through the woods. Breathing that fresh air, even if it's next to a busy road, is healing. Threading my way through the underbrush and through the moss and trees just has a way of reconnecting to Nature that not much else does.
4. Getting rent paid. One less thing to worry about.
5. Cookies. Pudding cookies. Because, yum.
6. Not feeling guilty about eating said cookies, and still feeling relatively good about myself. I've been good about keeping up on my exercise, and striving to put better food into my body, so when I do eat those cookies, I don't stress over it.
7. Nail polish. Sometimes it's hard to get all the dirt out from under my nails, no matter how hard I scrub...
8. Bird song. It has much the same effect as walking through the woods. If I close my eyes and just listen to them, I find their song can lift the tension from my shoulders and allow me to just live in the moment for the time.
9. The smell of fresh-cut grass. Nothing says "Summertime" quite like the sound of a lawn mower and the smell of a freshly mown lawn.
10. Cameras. I love taking photos, especially candid shots and shots of random stuff.
Ok, so technically today is the 4th, and I forgot to post my gratitude list yesterday. So, I will do it this morning while I drink my coffee. =)
1. I'm thankful for having one day of coffee left. Not sure what will happen tomorrow morning, but after getting very little sleep last night... I'm thankful that I had coffee left for this morning.
2. Streaming newscasts. My mornings would not be nearly as calm and routine when I don't get to listen to/watch the news while drinking my coffee.
3. Youtube and Pinterest. They are how I get my morning workout in easily every (most) morning.
4. Music. It is such an emotional conduit for me. Whatever emotion I am getting overwhelmed by, I can release it without causing damage to other people or things. hehe
5. Needle and thread. I think I might have saved my daughter's favorite pair of jeans. We'll see if it holds.
6. My blender. Green monster smoothies. Enough said.
7. Blogger. It lets put this list out there, where I feel more obligated to keep up with it, and since I'm on my laptop anyway, it's easier to sit down and get it done.
8. My cat. He's a freaking hilarious little zombie kitty. Cracks me up. Makes up for all the vomit and hairballs he decides to leave for me to step in first thing in the morning..or afternoon, or evening..
9. Modern medicine. As much as some of the technology out there really makes me cringe, the level of our ability to heal is a magical thing in my eyes. (I'm listening about the 2 year old with the flesh-eating bacteria... poor baby.)
10. Kids. They are just so stinking cute. Unless they're not.
So, as promised, I am back for ten more things. Now is a good time for it, too, as I'm feeling rather blue today.
1. My treadmill, so that I can run the angst out when it starts to get overwhelming. Also, because I do actually enjoy running (jogging), and since it's inside, weather is NOT an excuse!
2. $5 pizza at Papa Murphy's. The kids love it, and it doesn't break my bank (even when I spend my absolute last $5 on it).
3. Clean, running water. Because I seriously need my shower and my drinking water after all that running. I'm kind of a neat freak as far as showering, often taking two a day. Don't worry... they are super quick (we're talking 5 minutes, people).
4. Sunny days. I'm solar powered, I'm pretty sure. Honestly... give me a sunny day and I will show you productivity. Otherwise I'm probably still in my jammies laying on the couch either sleeping or reading. Not that reading isn't freakin' awesome. I just have other shit that needs to get done, as well. :)
5. Books- for letting me easily travel between realms, worlds, and time.
6. Movies- for the same reason.
7. Ditto for video games, just on another level. They are also very good for blowing off some steam.
8. Rain. Yes, I went there. Living in the Pacific Northwest, I tend to get sick of it. However, without it we would just be another drab area. The rain is what gives us our beautiful forests, rivers, lakes, etc.... Plus, I also absolutely LOVE the smell outside after a good rain. It's also helpful to my plants, as I tend to forget to water them.... O.o
9. Rainbows- after the rain, they are there to remind us that a good cleansing can bring about ethereal beauty. They remind me that tears can still be followed by hope and smiles.
10. A working washer and dryer... because.. seriously....
I recently picked up a copy of "The Magic" by Rhonda Byrne from the library. Not my usual cup of tea, but the snippet on the back tugged at some old heartstrings buried deep within my bosom, so I brought it home with me and flipped through it. Here is what the back says:
"Remember when you were a child and you believed that life was magical? Well, the magic of life is real, and it's far more breathtaking, awe-inspiring, and exciting than you ever imagined as a child. You can live your dreams, you can have anything you want, and your life can touch the stars! Come with me on an unforgettable journey for 28 days, as we discover how truly dazzling our lives can be."
I know... a little cooky and new-agey in that dripping, sappy sort of way. However, I do remember when I was a child and life was magical. I remember how magical it stayed for a long time. I don't know exactly when it started to fade, or when I started to become too jaded to still see and feel that magic, but I know its absence has left a deep, hollow cavern in my soul that is sucking the life out of me. I need to refill it. I figured, if I could get through the hype and the chalkboard scratching, over-the-top "Atta Boy!" feel of the new-agey books, then maybe I could use it as a tool to help me regain that lost magic.
It does read like an infomercial. I do admit that. It's full of exclamation points and the sense that you absolutely cannot live a happy, successful, satisfying life without this! That said, I think she's right. You can't. I say this, because the product she is pushing is gratitude. I mean, seriously, have you ever met a person who was truly happy who wasn't grateful for something? How can you truly be happy with something if you don't appreciate it?? Of course, we immediately think of material things when we think of appreciating what we have, but look beyond the tangible and take a broader view. All of Life itself... how wondrous is it? How beautiful and magical?
I decided to give her 28-days a shot. What could it hurt? I am not going to chronicle each step here, as some of it is too personal and is only for me to mull over. Some I will share perhaps, but not everything. For that, go pick up the book and flip through it yourself. That said, the first step she proposes is that every day, you write down ten things you are thankful for in your life, and why. Whether it be something as broad as "my job" or as little as "the chocolate bar I had after dinner". Many of my items will probably overlap a bit, as more detailed moments of gratitude are acknowledged alongside broader scopes of gratitude. That's okay, though. The idea is to think about it, recognize it, acknowledge it, and then truly be thankful for it.
So here are my ten things I'm grateful for, and why. Today's list is very broad and encompassing, as well as obvious, as I imagine most lists start out as:
1. My kids. I've spoken of this so very often on my blog, as well as in real life. They are the most important thing in my life. They keep me grounded when I want to fly away. They are what keep me making better decisions, not just in my care for them, but also in being a positive role model for them.
2. My family. They are my foundation; my roots. They are nearby, and I know will always be there for me.
3. My friends. Same as my family.
4. My health. Not just in general, but also the fact that I've decided to take charge of it, both physically and mentally.
5. The health of my loved ones. Pretty simple here. I have seen the heartache and stress having a loved one with health issues can impart, and so far I have been blessed with the happiness, health, and safety of those closest to me.
6. My job. Not only does it provide me with money to help pay for the cost of living, but I actually enjoy what I do. After working a couple of jobs that I loathed, the fact that I love my job is still fantastic!
7. My coworkers. My job would not be nearly as satisfying if it were not for the fact that I work with a fabulous team. They are all considered a friend as well as a coworker.
8. My community. I adore where I live. I do not worry about our safety. The kids have a good school, and great friends.
9. Shelter. I have a roof over my head, which is more than many can say. It may not be "ideal" but it is better than other places I've lived, and much better than nothing at all. It has space for us, and my landlady is attentive, patient, and understanding. Its location is also perfect.
10. Coffee. My mornings would not be nearly as nice without it. ;-)
So there you go. I plan to do this every day for the entire month of June. So, if you see I miss a day, throw stuff at me, and call me names until I post it! And hey... it will also force me to write every day, which I need to do anyway. =)
I'm having a really hard time this go-round. It is all so much more difficult to cope with. I feel like I am falling apart. You know when you pick up a great big stack of laundry, and pieces keep falling, and every time you bend over to pick it up, even more falls out of your hands, until eventually you give up and just throw the whole stack down and go find a laundry basket? Yeah, I can't find my laundry basket. I'm trying to just take it over in smaller handfuls, but there is just so much, and the washer is so far..
I feel like I have never made a good decision in my life. I mean, I know I've made a couple. I have my children. They are the one thing I can look at and know that I've made at least two positive choices; that I did do at least one thing right in my life. They are my saving grace, and the one thing that keeps me going. I have a job that I enjoy, although I'm worried that my job is being threatened by my current state of mind and current state of life.
I'm in a rut, and the walls are too slick and the well too deep and all my attempts at clawing my way out are only digging me deeper and deeper down. It makes me sick to my stomach when I have to borrow money from my kids to go buy milk and bread; when their friends can't come over because I won't be able to pick them up or take them home; when they show me they need underwear, socks, or new pants because theirs are all ripping in areas that can't just be mended.... I try to keep a smile on my face and not let them see my tears. I try to keep up this strong persona and project the image of "everything is going to be alright". I don't want to show them my weakness. I don't want them to see how desperate I feel; how pathetic I've become.
The depression is sucking the motivation out of me. I find it harder and harder to get out of bed. I can find no joy or comfort in things that use to give me either one or the other. I have no energy to exercise, or even bother making dinner or working in the yard. I force myself to do them, because they need to get done, but more and more I'm just letting things go.
I need more hours; more money. I don't want to go anywhere else,
though. I'm concerned that going elsewhere, even as a secondary
position/job, is going to interfere with the job I'm at now, and
eventually push this one out. I don't want that to happen. I also am
so terrified of winding up once more with a job that I loathe. I don't
want to resent work. I don't want to resent working. I don't want to
absolutely dread getting up and going in. My mind frame is already
fragile. Something like that could just be the end. I don't want to feel like money and things are more important than the health of my mind, but at the same time, not doing it is making me feel worthless. I am just hoping something comes up that will work. It all just feels so hopeless, though.
I have 2 tattoos on me, and they both mean something pretty significant. They both mark times in my life that came with great change. I may not have gotten them during that change, but they represent it. I've recently made a tremendous change in my life, maybe the biggest (other than having children, of course) and want a way to remember it. I want that visual reminder of why I am putting myself (and others) through this; something I can look at to remember what it is I am trying to accomplish, something to give me that boost when I want to give up.
I just need to figure out what it is that is happening, and a way to put it into a visual representation. Something that will mean something just to me, really.
Now I have 3 tattoos I need to get. Nope, 4.
They are like potato chips, no?
*sigh*
A small list of things that made me giggle for your viewing pleasure while digesting all that food:
I am such an idiot sometimes. I have a knack for getting myself into the most outrageous, aggravating situations. It would be rather comedic if it didn't cause me so much panic, stress, and overall bewilderment. Okay, it's still humorous, but only because if I don't laugh, I'd probably slit my wrists.
Please note: This post contains highly personal information about me. If you do not feel comfortable knowing this stuff, please do not read.
The last couple of weeks have been horrible. There is so much chaos in my head right now, it is completely overwhelming. I'm still in a state of shock, trying to absorb what has happened, even though I am the one who initiated it. I am moving through life like a ghost, or a shadow. I'm thin, transparent, vapid. I am having a hard time connecting with reality all the way. You know that filmy feeling, when you start to wake up but aren't quite all the way yet? That's where I've been residing.
But, it was time. It is time.
I had an epiphany in the middle of last month. One that has been trying to worm its way through for a long time now. It was suddenly able to burst forth from its confines and shout its meaning through my thick skull. You know that saying "It was like someone flipped a switch."? Yeah, I totally get that now. Because it was. One day, in the middle of the day, it just happened, and I knew. I knew what was happening (or not happening), and I knew what I had to do.
I have an expiration date. You may laugh, but laugh because it's painfully and sadly true. I get into a relationship, and after so much time has passed, it spoils. I spoil. Something inside of me starts to go rancid, like it sat out on the counter for a couple of days before being put back in the fridge. But by then, the change has already occurred. So now, while sitting in the fridge, the contamination festers, feeding slowly and quietly from the inside. There comes a point when I no longer am content to be in a relationship. My feelings change. My heart changes. There is no remedy; no rekindling. Once it starts to fizzle, it's over. It burns bright and hot, but once the fire is out, there is nothing left but ash. There is nothing left with which to rebuild that fire- nothing left to burn. So the ashes sit there rotting and molding, eating away everything around it.
I've always been this way. From the very beginning; as far back as I can remember. I can't seem to settle down. I've always read those stupid fairy tales, about true love. I honestly believe some people just aren't built that way. I'm not. People tell me that I just haven't found "the one" yet. Well, folks, I'm 36 years old, and at this point, I don't really care about "the one" anymore.
My epiphany actually came in the form of finally realizing what my problem was. Why can I not seem to love, like everyone else does? What is so broken inside of me that I cannot feel the way others do? That my brain and heart become so twisted and warped.
The light switch was realizing that I do not love myself. I have never loved myself. But how could I? I don't even know myself. I have never given myself that chance. I have never given myself the opportunity to just be me, without anyone else, and discover who I am. How can I give my love to someone else, when I have no love inside of myself to give? (Well, except for the love of my children, but that is an entirely different kind of love and doesn't apply here. Thank goodness, because then I'd really be in trouble.) I have been attached to a boyfriend ever since I was fourteen years old. And that first boyfriend was a horrible experience. A year of rape, belittlement, and brainwashing can really mess with a young girl's mind. I was saved from that first boyfriend by another guy; Not by myself. After that, I think I just became to dependent on the boys to "save" me and protect me. I was afraid to be alone. I don't even know what prompted this. You'd think it would be the opposite. It doesn't make sense to me yet, although I'm sure there is some deep psychological reasoning behind it that I just haven't delved into yet.
But that is just what I need to do. I need to go deep into my psyche, and find out what is in there. Stir that pot around and see what rises to the surface, analyze it, fix it. Try to make sense out of it anyway. And I realize the first step in doing that is to break the cycle; to let myself be on my own. To force myself to take care of myself, and to protect myself. I need to build the confidence within me that I am not this weak person; That I am capable. Maybe then I can begin to trust myself, and eventually, to love myself.
I do want to make it very clear that just because my fires burn out does not mean that there was never any real love there, because there was. There still is. It just morphs into something different; something gentler and kinder- not the fierce kind of love that a real romantic relationship should have. It's more the love for a very good friend. Do know that my heart is not completely cold. I am thankful for this, because I was afraid for a long time- that my heart wasn't there; that it had been replaced by this frozen rock. But it's there. Deep inside, it still beats. I'm hoping that eventually the frost will wear off... that the heat inside of it will thaw it out, and that the frostbitten parts will heal. It is going to take time; so much time. And it's going to hurt. A lot. But I'm willing to face that now. I'm willing to face that dark, unknown path. I know that at the end, there will be something wonderful and freeing. At the end, I will be able to soar.