~A Bitter Swallow~

  So.... I "started" that 100 Days of whatever.   I was supposed to be recording stuff, doing reviews, keeping track, holding myself accountable. 

Well here's an update.  So far:   I've completed one (1) day of it.  That was the first day.  It wasn't even a whole day.  I did some stuff on the list.  Of the list, the only thing I can remember for sure completing is an organization task- because I organized the coffee table that I sit at.  It's what you could consider my "desk" , I suppose. 

That's it. 

/sigh.

I have excuses.  That's all they are.  Excuses.  They are not good ones.  There's no reason as to why I didn't do more on this other than the fact that I'm stubborn and I didn't feel like it.  Sometimes I really need a good kick in the ass, you know?   Yes, you know.  If you've been reading this (or know me at all), I know you know.  

I also recently read through something that made me realize just how utterly insane going through the process of going on and off the antidepressants, as well as trying out different migraine medications,  coupled (or would it be considered tripled?) with dealing with dormant "feelings",  all at the same time made me....   It was pretty bad.  Strike that.  It was absolutely embarrassing. No, strike even that.  Humiliating.    I'm surprised I didn't wind up in the nuthouse.  That's almost a literal statement.    I'm looking back on things and trying to decipher what in this screwed up head of mine was even real.  I mean, I know what I felt.  I just wonder what was real. 

I'm so fucked.  It's not even funny.  I mean, it's humorous enough to laugh at myself, because if I don't I just might slit my wrists... but it's not even funny. 


At least all that shit has stabilized.  I'm off the antidepressants.  That was the smartest decision I made, I think.  I might not think so in a month or two, once the depression hits, but that shit messes me up.  I remember why I stopped before.  I know it's most likely probably more a matter of needing to figure out which one works for me, but I just don't have the finances or patience for that.  Not to mention I just don't know that I can handle going through the side effects.  They are really bad for me.  My only regret is that I didn't wait.  Or do it sooner.  I have the worst timing in the world.  I swear I'm a calamity of errors.  Welcome to my life.

I went back on the previous anti-migraine med once I was off the antidepressant, and that seems to have been a good decision as well.  It has been working.  So, I'm two for two in that department so far.  Again...  I just wish my timing had been better.


It's Fall.  It's my favorite time of year.   As much as I dread what I know lurks for me in the upcoming shadows and corners, I also anticipate the ritual of turning inward and exploring those dark areas.  Every time I do I gain something.  Every time I come out the other end stronger and with some greater knowledge of myself; some tighter grasp of power over my darker side.

I always emerge.. and that is the important part.

  I was driving home after running an errand after work today, and I noticed as I drove past a cemetery I felt a sense of peace wash over me.  It's always been that way.  Cemeteries have always been a place of comfort. Even as a teenager I would gravitate towards the cemetery when I needed calm.  What is it about being among the dead that delivers such a deep sense of tranquility in me?  I wanted to stop the car, get out, walk between them, read their headstones, listen to the wind whisper stories while the rain showered down on me;  Then curl up on-top of the gravestones, huddle among them and just close my eyes for awhile.

Perhaps it is the fact that they no longer judge (that I am aware of).  Or that I can talk and they just "listen".  They do not argue or say mean things (that I can hear).   And while they do not respond, I do not have to watch them blatantly ignore me.  At least they have a good excuse.  They're dead.

Or perhaps it's their complete lack of responsibility or duty anymore that I am drawn to.  They are no longer attached to the demands of the societies of this world.  Love, acceptance, success -even in the smallest of senses -  .... none of that matters.  There's just the cool earth crumbling, eternal sleep, rest.  At least that's what I can see at this end.

Do I believe that's all there is... a rotting corpse in the ground?  No.  I believe our souls journey on.  That escape sure sounds appealing though.   That rest.

  Summer is nearing its end, and as Autumn approaches and the colder months make their appearance, my mind turns even more inward and introspective.  I've looked at the 100-day challenge before and have tried it.  I never make it the 100 days, but still find its ideas a worthwhile pursuit.  I feel it probably fits better for a Spring Cleaning type deal, but the outline makes a comforting guide to start with when the deep introspection hits, as it can get a bit heavy if left unchecked.

Fall is my favorite, but it is also my hardest.  It is when my depression is most likely to hit the worst, perhaps because of the deep introspection that I put myself through.  A lot of ugly stuff gets drug up during the twilight  months of the year for me.  No particular reason for these months, other than maybe a SAD thing. It just happens every year.  Some years are better than others.  Some years are more medicated that others.  :)   This year I will be un-medicated.  I believe I was un-medicated last year as well.   I lived through that one;  I expect the same this time.  :)

Someone had shown me the challenge a couple years ago.   Of course, if you Google "100 Day Challenge" you are going to get a million different types of challenges.  The one I am specifically going off of is This One.   Simple, small ways.  Baby steps.  That's what I need.  I pick a few at a time and incorporate them in.  Some that I have chosen before are already a part of my routine now.  Time to make a couple more routine for me.  Some I can't quite make habit, but I'm going to keep trying.

I'll blog about it here.  I'll be good about it for a little while, and then they'll stop.  Like before.  Or maybe I'll do better this time.  Who knows?  I make no promises to myself, or to anyone else.   I will do what I can.

Some of the things I plan to do this go-round:

1. I've made a notebook to plan out days of decluttering.  I need to figure out what to do with stuff I want to donate, since I don't want to take it to the Goodwill.  I'm thinking shelters, etc., so I need to do the legwork to figure out where is accepting those donations.  I'm not good with legwork, so another thing to work on.  Of course, having a cordless phone would help with that, so maybe that's a purchase I should actually look into making.
2. Work around the house- some of that I'm going to have to get outside help with.  I just don't know how to do some of the stuff.  I do need to put together the list though, and then figure out what exactly I need to make it happen, and then get that shit together and get it done.  Just fucking do it.  I'll feel better about it.  The stuff I can do can go onto that calendar with the decluttering.
3. A variation on the things I am grateful for-  listing all of the positive things I can think of that happened throughout the day.  I need to remember those when things get dark.  
4. On that same note- listing the positive things about myself.  I tend to forget these things.  I'll forget them often.  I may need to actually list them- physically write / type them down, because some days that list will be empty for me. 
5. Make a list of things I enjoy doing, and then making sure I do at least one of them every day.  
6. Have a good laugh every day.  If possible, share it. 
7. Learn something new every day.  Share it.
8. Stop complaining.  If I realize I am complaining about something, stop immediately.  Do something to fix it instead (if possible). 
9. Keep "Morning Pages".  Three pages of longhand, stream of consciousness writing done first thing in the morning.  This will require me to wake up a bit earlier than I do now, but I find it intriguing.  My mind is in high gear the moment I wake up.  Getting what's in there written down could be interesting.  LOL  
10. On the same note, I'd like to do a version of "Evening Pages".  Bascially a journal...  thoughts before going to bed.  Whether this is done via blogging or in a notebook, I am not sure, but I think I need to do it.  
11. Make it a point to feed your mind with the thoughts, words, and images that are most consistent with who you want to be, what you want to have, and what you want to achieve.   This one is tentative, though.  I feel it is a slippery slope between motivation and aspiring, and then reminding myself of what I don't have and making myself feel worse.   I'll have to see how I react to it.  
12. Take a notebook with me everywhere and record everything, dates, to do items, ideas, etc...  so that my mind can stay decluttered.   Organize accordingly as needed/necessary at the end of the day (enter into planner, etc.  )
13. Identify one low-priority activity you can stop doing (Facebook) and devote it to a high priority task instead
14. Write for at least 30 minutes every day
15. Do (at least) one creative thing every day, not including the writing
16. Eat five servings of vegetables every day (find out what exactly that looks like)
17. Eat three servings of fruit every day (find out what exactly that looks like) 
18. Drink more god damned water
19. Eat breakfast every day
20. Create a list of 20 healthy, easy to fix meals that can be eaten for lunch or dinner
21. Create a list of 10 healthy, easy to fix breakfast meals
22. Create a menu plan using the lists, shop accordingly and actually make them.
23. Keep a food log
24. Get at least 20 minutes of actual exercise in every day.  Walking the hill home from work doesn't count.
25. Stretch every day.
26. The challenge says to connect with someone new.  I say I hate people so fuck that.  I will, however, make it a point to reach out to the people I already know.  I'm horrible about that and need to be better about connecting with the friends I already have.  So I'll make it a point to connect with two or three people a day that I don't already talk with on a daily (or mostly regular) basis.  How's that?  
27. When someone does or says something that upsets you, take a moment to think over your response before responding right away.   I already do this.  However, what I tend to do is completely overthink and overreact and take something and twist it into thinking it's way worse than it actually is, and then instead of talking to the person about it, I'll just think the worse and it builds and builds and then ugly things happen in my head.  So I need to make sure I clarify things with people when I think they've said something that upset me.  lol

So, those are the ones I'm going to focus on.   If anyone has any suggestions or tips they'd like to share, feel free.  I'm all ears.  Or anything they think I should add to the list that isn't on the original list of 60.  Or something that I left off that you feel I really should work on.  

I'm not sure how much of this I'll be able to update on here, but I can do the reviews.  Whether those will be daily or weekly will depend on my mood of course.  I'm sure it will be sporadic  I think I'm keeping my list fairly simple and easy to manage this time, though.  They are goals that I want to achieve, and I'm not over-extending myself on anything.  If you feel so inclined, join me on it. :)

*****************Update 8/29/2015**************

One week to the day since I wrote this.    It's funny, how time works.    How pieces fall into place, how images that were once so out of focus take their form, words that were so foreign suddenly make sense.  Not all of it- not by a long shot;  enough of it though, so that I am able to finally pick myself up, brush myself off, turn around and walk away with my chin held high.  

I figured out the word I had been searching for as to what happened to me.  Such a simple word really, yet so encompassing as to how I felt- that made me react the way I reacted to you....  "Overwhelmed."   Completely overwhelmed, if I want to be specific.  Utterly and completely overwhelmed by feelings and desires that I didn't think I would ever allow myself to feel again- that hit so hard and so fast that I couldn't fathom what was happening to me.   Circumstances being what they were with us, I did the only thing that made sense to me, and the only thing I know how to do really well.  I ran.   And you know what else I realized?  You let me.  You 100% let me without a single argumentative word against it.  Not one shred of you tried to stop it.  Not one ounce of you did anything to try and keep me from running away, even though I know you knew what I was doing.   Do I fault you for it?  Not entirely.  I was a mess, and I've never really told you my story.   Why would you want to deal with that when you could just go find someone else?

It is and was painfully obvious that you were not at all as invested emotionally in me as I was in you.  Not at all.  You have your reasons, I know, but I had held out hope that , like me, something of those walls had cracked and fallen, and that some emotion of the same caliber as mine had slipped through.  Again back to that stupid, filthy word - Hope.   How I cling to it and its empty promises.  How I loathe it.

However, I've come to realize that what I'm clinging to now is ridiculous and even worse than what I had run from in the first place.   Hoping that you would want to talk to me, to see me, to hold me, to fuck me...   It would never be as it was, and what I thought it was never really was to begin with.  It was illusion.  And it would definitely never be anything more.  It is a dead end that would lead to nowhere, because regardless of the words that come out of your mouth, your heart was never in it.  Perhaps it was in the beginning and perhaps it once again is my fault that it left, but however the reasoning- it wasn't there.  Why would I want to allow myself to be involved in something so completely one-sided that would only tear me apart even more than I already am?   I need to salvage whatever heart and (I hate to say it) hope is left within this broken mind and soul of mine and try and protect it, and maybe even eventually rebuild it-  not shatter it until there is absolutely nothing left but the darkness that is within me.  It is so very dark.

So though it still hurts, it is a hurt I will recover from.  My flesh has been torn and I've lost a lot of blood, but the blood congeals and scabs over.  Eventually the scabs will fall off.  The scars will remain.  They will remind me of my fallacies and to be more careful in the future.  The Phoenix has arisen once more.


*********************************************************************************

Original Post 8/22/2015:

Why can't I stop thinking about you?  Why - the fuck- can't I stop thinking about you?  Seriously, you are the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning, and the last thing I dwell upon before finally falling asleep at night.  Still. 

I thought this would have been plenty of time to have gotten over all of this by now.  I should have moved on by now.  I should have gotten past this bullshit part.  I haven't even known you long enough for it to have affected me this much for this long.  Yet, here we are.  Well, here I am.

It might be one thing if it was just the sex I kept thinking about.  That would at least make sense.  Believe me, there's a lot I think of in that area.. However that's not where my thoughts tend to dwell.  It's the little things I miss.  The small moments and memories about you that my mind focuses on that I keep going back to over and over again.   The way you would drum on my arm or leg;  how animated you can get when talking about music or movies; that night we were laying in bed and you caught a case of the giggles and couldn't stop laughing for like ten minutes;  the way I could see you struggle not to lecture me on my eating habits;  spending the day perusing books at the second hand stores;  just sitting on the couch watching goofy YouTube videos;  your eyes just looking at me or the feel of your hand in mine or on my leg;  and now sitting on the swings and you quietly asking me if I was okay.

When you came over last week all I wanted to do was jump on you, wrap myself around you, and not let go.  Instead, I spent most of the time half-focused on how I was holding myself, what I was saying, where I was sitting, etc..  I had promised you that it would be a strictly platonic visit, and I didn't want to do anything that might give the impression that I had called you over with intentions to try and weasel my way back into your arms.  Gods, how I would have loved to ... but I had made a promise and I was determined to keep it.  So, I made sure to try and keep my body language neutral, to not sit in ways that might expose me, and I just about panicked when you sat on the couch, and cleared off the chair so I could sit away from you.   During our little walk I was very much aware of the proximity of your arm next to mine.  You know I love your arms.  (I think of them often, too...) I wound up talking of things I shouldn't have, and then felt awkward about it. I tried to stop, but I think you had caught the bitterness of it all in my voice and tried to spin a positive on it for me.

I hate that I feel this way.  I hate that I can't stop thinking about you.  I hate that I know it's not even remotely the same for you.  It makes me hate you so much sometimes.  Of course it's not you I hate but the whole fucked up situation and myself for screwing it up so badly.  It makes me so angry, and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it anymore.
Sometimes I want to reach out and tell you.  What would really be the point though?  What difference would it make?  Most likely nothing other than making me feel more like a pathetic idiot.  It won't change anything.  It won't put things back the way they were.  It won't bring you back to me. So I'll throw it out onto the internet instead.  Let's make my humiliation completely public.  It's okay.  I don't plan on posting this one to Facebook, so the chances of people reading it are pretty few, and the chance that it will be you is pretty impossible, so I'm not worried about it.

I'm just pissed.  And hurting.  And I want it to go away and it's not and I really don't know what the fuck to do about that anymore.  It's not even getting better.  So, I reside in limbo until something changes.  And I seethe.  And I hope.  I hate that dirty little four letter word.  It's almost as bad and filthy and mythological as that "L" word.

 I'm feeling.... afloat.  I don't really know how else to describe it.  In one sense I feel better about things, but I don't feel like I'm "moving on" on "getting better".  I just feel- stuck.  I never did get professional help.  I know, I know... I really should.   It's just such a hard and weird thing to do.  It's an uncomfortable feeling.  What would I say?   " Hi, my name is Thaydra and I'm a freaking mess."   Yes, that's exactly where I could start, I know.  It's still weird and icky feeling.   Not to mention it just sounds like a lot of stress and work to get to the point of actually getting the thing set up, and stress is something I'm trying to lessen right now.

Not to mention I'm pretty much sick and tired of doctor's visits right now.   Obviously they can't fix this broken.  lol

I'm not even sure why I'm at my blog writing, but I felt like there was something in me that needed to be let out.  I just don't know what. Not yet.  I figure it will work its way out eventually... a rotten splinter festering beneath the skin.

I'm in a rut.  I've been in the same place for too long.  Way too long.  It's making me antsy.  It has been for awhile now.  The pull to cut ties and just go has been tugging at me for quite some time now.  How easy it would be to just go start over somewhere else; somewhere where no one knows me.  Where I can just find some shadows to fade into and hide for awhile..  I'm grounded, though.  At least for the next three years, if not a bit longer.  The gypsy blood will have to stay tame for just a little while longer yet.



I feel like I have left too many words unspoken.  I still don't have closure.  I cannot turn my back and tread the paths before me to new unopened doors when there is still unfinished business left behind.  Have you ever had regrets that were so large, and so ungodly inane?  That's the worst part, I think..   how stupid they are.  How gut-reaction and thoughtless...  pure instinctual and fight-or-flight.  Irrevocable.   Snowballing into these out-of-control mind-fucks.   It gets to a point where you're not even sure what is reality anymore.  None of it is.  All of it is.  There's this detachment from it all-  everything becomes dreamlike, and I'm not even entirely sure if I'm even awake.  I'm waiting to wake up and have everything go back to the way it was before I was a colossal idiot.

That might wind up taking me back further than I really want to go, now  that I think about it.

I need to sit down and figure shit out.  Like my finances.  It's so overwhelming though.  I see summer coming to its close and the colder months fast approaching and the panic that rises in me at these thoughts make it so I seriously cannot even function.  Serious hyperventilation.  I don't know what I"m going to do.  I mean, I am sure I'll figure something out.  I always do.  It's just an incredibly stressful process.

  I'm having a difficult night.  I went and saw a pretty cute movie called Trainwreck with a friend of mine.  It was like watching a comedic chick-flick documentary on my life.  The way she handles relationships with men, the running, the emotional blocks, the walls...  and then the way she completely and utterly freaks out when feelings hit her unexpectedly.   The only problem is it got me thinking about things again;  things that have been going on recently and things about myself that I'd rather not be thinking about.

 Then I came home to more bills in the mail.  Then even bigger ones in my email.  Things seem to just keep snowballing on me and I can't seem to catch any footing here.  I'm falling and floundering and I can't keep myself upright.  I'm getting buried over here, and I'm just about to the point of defeat.  I don't know what to do anymore.    I'm at my wits end and I just don't have anywhere to turn.  Every which way I look is yet another failure in this great tragic comedy that I've made my life.  The only good thing I've done with it are my kids.  I try desperately hard not to let them see just how damaged and broken I've become.  I don't want them to see me weak.  I want to be strong for them. I want to give them a good, strong role model to look to.  I just can't help but see how drastically I am failing at that.  

It hurts.  I want to reach out, but  I don't really want to talk with anyone.  I care about the  people in my life, and I know that there are those who care about me.   I truly do.   I just don't want to talk about anything with anyone.  I do feel the desire to be near someone, however I'm quite certain that the only person I really want to  have near me through this wants nothing to do with me anymore.  This makes me ache in ways I didn't even know I was capable of.  In ways I never, ever want to experience again.

 My trust levels about opening up emotionally with people have been severely damaged again.  The depths of the wounds and scarring suggest that there won't be a good recovery this time around.   You poke a vein too many times, it's bound to collapse irreparably.   I'm sitting in the middle of my castle of walls while my world crumbles around me, and there is nothing I can do about it.  I watch as all the beautiful, empty words people have said to me whisper through the haunted walls on hollow winds.  All the empty words, tormenting me with their broken promises and deceit.  Words I foolishly believed and fell for, opened cracks in my walls for; cracks that became fissures; fissures that weakened me and left me vulnerable.



    Emotions.  Health.   Finances.  Work.  Abode.   All of it in disrepair.  All of it chaotic.  All of it a whirlwind of pandemonium in my head, threatening to tear me down to my very core and break me into little pieces;  to shred me bit by bit until there is absolutely nothing left.   Confetti of flesh and bone and blood and brain and mind and thought....  raining down where there was once a person.    Could I be reborn from such a bloody mess?  As the Phoenix is reborn from its ash when it burns, could I rise once again from the detritus of my own implosion?

      Here I am again, about to divulge to you what's been going on in my head.  It's been a chaotic mess in here lately.  I'm pretty certain I'm having a nervous breakdown.  I don't say that in the metaphorical sense, but in a quite literal one.  I looked up the symptoms the other day, when I was having yet another moment of just not being able to cope with absolutely anything at all.   I found this website that gave signs and symptoms and I pretty much have every single one. 

10 Common physical nervous breakdown symptoms

1. irregular heart beat - you can feel your heart pounding. You may think you're gravely ill, yet tests are unlikely to be convincing.
2. tensed/painful muscles
3. clammy hands, sweating
4. dizziness or light-headedness
5. trembling or shaking - you may feel these are the most embarrassing symptoms of a nervous breakdown as you worry people may notice
6. upset stomach and bowel problems - your body/mind reacts as if your life is in danger and digestion is secondary to survival
7. exhaustion - all your energy is being used trying to manage/cope with this crisis
8. pains - 'unexplained' ones
9. coughs and colds - you seem to be catching every bug that's floating around
10. tension headaches

10 Mental symptoms that make you think you're going mad

1. Anxiety about every day things
2. Panic and phobias
3. Inability to cope with stuff you wouldn't have thought about twice before
4. Loss of libido - you feel 'dead below the waist'!
5. Impotence - and a sense of shame about that to boot
6. Sleep problems - not being able to fall asleep, frequently waking up and not being able to go back to sleep with racing thoughts
7. Withdrawal from loved ones - my clients describe it sometimes as 'living in a bubble'
8. Irritability and angry outbursts - you have no spare capacity
9. Difficulty concentrating - you probably can't even read a page in a book, or even keep your mind on the headlines in a newspaper
10. Depression - this is almost a 'given', when your life seems to be 'unraveling' (See my pages on depression - links further down.)

(The only ones of these I'm not having a problem with are #4&5.  In fact, it's the opposite way, and it's already high to begin with.  To the point where it's becoming problematic in its own right. )

5 Typical emotional problems with a mental meltdown

1. crying easily, and seemingly endlessly, at the drop of a hat - whether you're male or female!  No need to be embarrassed.
2. feeling guilty for all kinds of reasons: 'not pulling your weight', not being there for someone else, not being your 'normal' self, etc
3. feeling alone - you're embarrassed and don't want to bother with anyone. You don't even recognise yourself.
4. feeling joyless - increasingly withdrawing from all the things you would normally enjoy - no wonder with all those symptoms!
5. being/feeling 'paranoid' - feeling that people are out to get you and single you out for every scrap of negativity.

 If you've spoken to me within the past couple of weeks or follow me on Facebook, you've probably heard about me complaining about my heart palpitations.  They've been a bit obnoxious and even a bit on the worrisome side lately.  It was them, actually, that made me really sit down and start analyzing what was going on with me that might be causing it.  I had the rest going on as well, but just assumed that it had to do with some personal issues I had going on.  However, the severity of it all made me start to question if that was really all that was going on.



  Both of my kids now have walked in on me having fits of uncontrollable crying.   I think even some of my coworkers have noticed, though they have been kind enough to not mention anything.  I have had to make many sudden trips to the restroom in order to hide myself away while the tears flow uncontrollably down my face.  It's the last thing I want my coworkers or patrons to witness.   Usually I can curb my emotions and swallow them down, but lately it's been impossible for me to do that.  The merest of memory, thought, visual or verbal reminder, anything that triggers it just causes that flood gate to open and there is nothing I can do to stop it other than to let it run its course and dry out on its own.




I can't seem to concentrate on anything for any length of time.  I can't even read for more than a chapter or so at a time.  This is so horrifying for me, as reading is my main means of escape, and if ever I've felt the need to escape, it's been these past couple of weeks.  However, I just can't get my eyes to focus on the letters, or my brain to process what the words are saying, or my mind to form the pictures, etc...  I find myself rereading the same sentences over and over and over before finally just giving up and finding something else to do that doesn't require as much... well, focus.  Even writing this blog post is taking a tremendous amount of effort, and I'm having to stop and start again.  Move away from it and come back from time to time in order to keep my train of thought on track.  Is it from the lack of sleep?  Perhaps.  I'm not averaging more than a couple of hours per night, with a cat nap or two thrown in throughout the day.  Nothing I do seems to help that.  I've cut down the amount of coffee I drink, started putting in some physical exercise, tried getting my eating habits better (when I remember to eat), etc..   but nothing works on it.  My brain won't shut off, my body won't relax.  I just toss and turn in both body and mind as the hours and minutes tick by until my alarm goes off and it's time for me to start the next day.

This in turn also makes me feel guilty, because I'm not getting stuff done.  It's hard to feel like you are pulling your weight when you are constantly drifting in thought, or lack of thought, or running to hide your latest batch of tears, or just do not have the oomph in you to get things done.   However, there are these random bursts of crazy energy in which I get so much done, so it's hard to explain to people why at other times I'm just not doing anything.   How do you make someone understand how you can feel absolutely miserable and sick at one moment, and then the next you are bouncing off the walls with a completely chaotic energy that you cannot explain?

I've been feeling almost borderline manic lately.  The extreme highs and lows.  I'll have those bursts of energy I was talking about, where I'll get tasks accomplished and work done.  Or I'll just go spend all of my money that I cannot afford and do not have on frivolous things just because I don't care anymore.  Or, more dangerous, I'll go into what I call my "predator mode" (because that's what it feels like).  In this mood all I want to do is find a male and have copious amounts of sex.  I usually don't care who it is and don't put a lot of research into his "character" other than whether or not he will be capable of satisfying what I want.  I don't even care to know his name and have no interest on seeing or hearing from him afterwards.  I take what I want and I leave.  It's incredibly dangerous on a multitude of levels and in my lucid moments I know this.  In my manic moment I don't care.   The only thing that has kept the manic side tamed down is the fact that my kids are home 95% of the time.  My instinct to protect them still outweighs my desire to just let go and throw caution to the wind when it comes to myself and my own primal desires.  The flip side is this causes me to feel like a tiger caught in a cage, and I feel like I'm just pacing back and forth waiting for the moment the lock is not set right.  So far only one weekend has gone by when they have been away, and I've been busy with previous made plans for most, so my time frame has been limited.




For the most part I've just been telling people I'm okay.  I'm fine.  I'm just fucking peachy.  I know some of them know I'm lying, and they let me.  I just continue to put on a smile and say "fuck it" and "fuck the world" and do my battles and fight my wars.  What the hell else am I going to do?   Some days I want to just lie down and never get back up.  I want to get into my car and just drive until I run out of gas, and then just get out and walk until my legs and feet can carry me no more.  I want to just dig myself into a little hole and hide away from all of the world and just not fucking deal with it anymore.    There are days when I don't want to be the strong one anymore.  When I don't want to be the one that always pushes through and keeps going.  Who keeps her sense of humor about things and continues to laugh at herself.   Sometimes I want someone to see past that mask.  When I say "I'm okay" I want them to see that the yelling and splashing is not me laughing and having a good time playing in the water.  It's me floundering and starting to drown.  It's me losing my ability to keep myself afloat, and hoping someone will notice before it's too late, but at the same time not wanting to ruin anyone else's good time and bring them down with me.   A couple do, and they try their damnedest to help.  But I don't think they realize just how deep I've sunk, nor how to help me.  I don't even know how to help me.

Fuck I miss you.  And I don't even feel like I can tell you, because I want to give you your space to decide what you want to do.  But god dammit I miss you so fucking much it hurts' so much that I can't breathe..   Fuck it hurts.  I miss you.

  You know those days where when you're crossing the street, and you kind of really hope that the truck coming just runs the light and hits you?  Not hard enough to kill you-  just enough to put you in the hospital for awhile; keep you in a coma so you don't have to feel, and then when you wake up you're on so many drugs you're all foggy and hazy and don't really remember.  If you're really lucky, you won't even remember why you were hoping to get hit in the first place, and then it will all be worth it.

  Now, before you freak out, I know I don't really want to get hit by a truck.  I know the likelihood of being physically and probably mentally maimed, if I survive the accident, for the remainder of my life would be high, and that the damage done to my loved ones would be significant.  I would never wish that on them.  But fuck, I just wish I could not have to think or feel anymore. Just for a little while.  Just to forget.  Just to be numb.

It was so stupid of me to let my defenses down so completely.  It was even stupider to do it in the scenario I was in.  I know better.  I knew better.  There are reasons I have my walls built so thick and so strong and so tall.  There are reasons that I don't let people inside those walls.  I cannot stand the pain that they bring with them.  Every time.  It doesn't matter whether or not they bring it on purpose.  They bring it regardless of intent.

I've also found my judgement entirely lacking.  I can no longer tell whether someone is trustworthy or not.  I can no longer tell whether their intentions are true or not.  I've fallen for so many lies, so many smooth talkers, so many tricksters.  Now I just expect them all to be suspicious.  They are all just after their own agenda, with no care to what it will do to me.

Not that I am without fault, for I'm not.   I did not expect him to break through so easily, and then once I realized he had, I did not know how to react.  I misunderstood things at first, and then once I realized I had misunderstood, chose to ignore instead of addressing it right away.  I buried it instead of bringing it to the surface and in doing so caused myself anxiety and distress, which in turn caused me to overreact and my fight or flight instincts would kick in.  I would not / could not ask for what I wanted, so how can I blame anyone other than myself if I never let him know what was on my mind?

This is a pretty standard reaction from me.  It's rather pathetic.  I just don't know how to handle feelings.  They are awkward and foreign.  They feel heavy and dirty on me.  Mainly because often times they are not returned, so I want to just shake them off of me like some kind of gross germ that might make me sick- which really isn't all that wrong of an analogy, if you ask me.

I had an absolutely wonderful weekend last weekend.  If it hadn't been for knowing what I was about to do, it would have been perfect.  I knew what would have happened in the long run, though.  I knew I was about to be phased out.  Maybe not right away, and maybe not completely, but it would have happened.  I have no doubt in my mind that it would have happened.   I would not have been able to handle that.  The pain that watching and feeling that happen would have caused me.. I can't even describe what thinking about it feels like.. let alone what experiencing it would have done.  I knew I had to do something before it came to fruition.  So I did.  It didn't go down the way I would have liked it to, which would have been face to face, but I did it.  I did it terribly, as I always do, because I can never express myself accurately when it's an emotionally charged topic, which this definitely was.  And then I proceeded to finish my only glass of wine and bawl on my couch.  So much so that my daughter heard me and came out to sit next to me with her arm around me.  She didn't say anything- just sat there.  I don't think she knew exactly what was going on, but I think she might have had an idea.  I don't just break down like that.

These past few days at work have been murder on me.  Memories or phrases will go through my head and will set me off.  I'll see specific trademark images that are direct specific reminders of him that I have to see often and I have to keep my composure.  I make many trips to the restroom in order to get myself under control.  It honestly pisses me off how badly this is affecting me.  It's been a very long time since I've been hit this hard.  It caught me completely off guard.  Completely.

I've cried, a lot.  A.  Lot.  I figure it's just a thorough cleansing.  Wipe it all clean.  And this time, instead of walls, I'm going to just fill the whole thing in with concrete.  I don't ever want to feel this way again.  Ever.   It's not worth it.  This girl is officially off the market. This item is no longer available.   But I miss him.  :(