~A Bitter Swallow~

I feel like I need to write. I feel like my head is going to explode. There is too much crap in there boiling and threatening to burst out of my skull like a volcano, spewing it's contents everywhere, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

Part of my new wellness challenge is to keep track of my mental well-being. It wants me to delve into any stresses I may have, and bring them forth and battle them. I think this is a horrible idea. I have too much stuff in there. I try very hard not to look behind those doors I've closed, locked and barred. My brain is too messed up. Those prisoners are there because I don't want to have to look at them. I don't want to have to face them and hear what they have to say. I don't want to have to admit that they are a part of me.

And with my current state of madness, I feel like I will surely just crumble. I am not strong enough to deal with this. I'm not a strong enough person to know the things I know, and to keep thinking that everything is fine and dandy. I'm also don't want to lose what I've worked so hard to gain. But there are things inside of me that scream and shake and beat on the walls. They make me hear them. They make me know they are there. I don't know how to handle this.

I think some of my headache problems have stemmed from this. From just locking things away and not wanting to deal with them. They push forward, with physical effects on my body.

With my insurance came another perk that allows mental support and health. I have been seriously thinking of finding a therapist to see about helping me with some of this stuff. But that is scary.

I finally got my insurance cards. I looked up some local providers, and plan to make an appointment with a doctor this afternoon. In my haste to find a doctor, I just realized I forgot to look up optometrists and dentists. Oh well.

However, in signing up with the insurance through my workplace, I was able to sign up with a service called "Living Well". It offers incentives for making and maintaining healthy choices. Since I've been trying to do so on my own anyway, I figured this would be a great opportunity for me to get some extra motivation going.

So, I did their assessment test. I actually got a good "score". Better than I thought I would get. I set up a food journal, so I can start keeping track of what I eat and when. It came at a good time, too, as I just got a cookbook containing 200 recipes, all containing less than 200 calories! I figure keeping track of what I eat, and having to actually look at it, might help me to start making better decisions regarding what I put into my body.

I had also just a couple days ago decided to drink more water. I came up with a system for while I'm at work. I am to drink a full 16 ounce bottle of water between each of my breaks. That is about 2 to 2&1/2 hours time. It's going pretty well so far, and ensures that I drink at a minimum, 3 bottles a day. Plus, I have a huge water bottle sitting on my desk at home, that I drink off of all day. The good side of that is not only do I drink more water, but it gets my kids to drink more water as well. The bad side is that my kids drink all my water, so when I go to drink it, it's gone! However, that makes me have to get up and fill it up, so I'll just count that towards keeping active :)

The one area I'm failing miserably in is exercise. I really want to join that Pilate's class. Even moreso- I want a treadmill. I have no idea where I would put it, but I would use that baby. I know I would, which makes me not having it even worse. I have grand ideas of taking a walk every evening... the waning sunlight strewn through our tree laden drive. Yeah right. It's dark by the time I get home now, and the last thing I want to do is go for a walk in the cold. (If you didn't already know, I'm a huge wuss when it comes to cold.) But I need to get active somehow. I need to find something to spark and hold my attention long enough to keep me going. I am one of those people who needs others around to motivate me to keep moving. Others who are also moving, not just cracking a whip while they point and laugh.

So, this is my quest to get healthier, and stay healthier. I need to bunker down and go through those cookbooks and gather ingredients. I need to stop focusing on the cost of the foods, and focus on the cost those high fat "cheap" ones are charging our bodies. I need to pull myself out of my chair and do something. Get creative, get active, get mind-challenged.

I was in the shower this morning, looking at my brain (shut up), and I discovered that it reminded me of a sweater.

You know the type. Warm and cozy. The perfect fit- the one you wear EVERYWHERE! But as time goes on, that sweater takes a lot of beating. It gets caught on something here, something spills on it there. And eventually, the sweater starts to unravel. Bit by bit, little by little, the frayed areas widen and spread. The stains soak through to the inside and harden.

And then one day you pick up that sweater and wonder what the hell happened to it?! You sit down on the edge of your bed and hold it, examining all those holes and fraying edges and stains and wonder if it's repairable. This isn't going to be an easy fix. It's not like you can just throw it in the washer and drier and call it good. No, this is going to take much more introspect and contemplation. This is going to be a challenge!

So you smooth the sweater tenderly on the table, and pick up your trusty needle and thread, maybe a bowl of water and a washcloth to try and clean up the stains. You hold your breath as you make that first stitch, hoping the whole thing doesn't fall apart in your hands, or that you wind up making it worse than it was in the first place.

Or maybe I can just turn it into some mittens or a pillow or something.

Yeah... that's what was going through my head this morning while in the shower.

Shut up.