It's my birthday. I'm 39 years old today. I've been trying all week not to think too much about this. Not because I'm afraid of the number, because I'm not. Maybe next year will be a sticker shock, but this year I don't care about the age. It's not the number that bothers me.
What's been nagging at me as today has approached is where I am in life. Or rather, where I'm not. I had mentioned before that I didn't know what triggered my depression stage at this time of year, but I think I figured it out. I think it's actually my birthday. LOL. How sad is that? What better time to reflect on all the things I have not accomplished?
The past couple of months I've really felt outside of things. I mean, I usually feel outside of things, but it's been enhanced lately. It seems like I've just watched so many things come together for people. I've watched their careers advance. They've found love. They've gone back to school. They've had all these wonderful things happen. It makes me happy for them. It truly does. I love having these beautiful, happy things surrounding me. I love seeing my family and friends successful, in love, happy. I love seeing good things happening all around me.
It's just that sometimes I feel so out of place. While good things happen for me, they are small. Don't get me wrong- I appreciate the fuck out of the good things that happen for me. They don't happen often, so when they do I am supremely grateful. It's just that my life has this painful way of mocking me with that whole "one step forward, two steps back" mentality; for every positive thing that happens for me, it has to throw a couple of obstacles in my way to prevent that positive thing from really giving me any leverage to progress forward at all.
Who is to blame for any of this? Myself, of course. I've had help, sure, but I'm not about to go naming names and pointing fingers when I am the master of my own universe and I have control over it. Their part in the grand scheme of things is minuscule, and I am the one to shoulder the burden of guilt here. Just me. It is my choices and my actions (or inaction) and my mistakes that have led me to where I am today. I've dug myself a hole so deep and so intertwined that I've gotten myself pretty stuck and lost. I know that I have friends and family who love me to keep me company and who want to help, and while I sincerely appreciate their companionship, they can't lead me out, as they don't know the way either.
I go through stages of stumbling around in the dark, bumping into unseen corners, feeling my way along the damp, muddy walls, running into dead ends, realizing I'm going in circles. Other times I just sit and think, try and reason my way out, try to find the logical decisions, the way that makes sense. Sometimes I just curl into a ball and pretend I'm somewhere far away, where the sun shines and there's ice cream, even though I'm not particularly fond of ice cream because it's cold and I don't like the cold, but where I am in my Pretendland it's nice and warm and ice cream is an appropriate treat......
Don't judge me. I'm doing that just fine on my own, thankyouverymuch.
I feel like I am failing at life. I'm failing at adulthood. I feel like such a horrible example for my kids. I have no idea how they've turned out to be as good as they have. LOL!
My financial status is dismal. I'm not really sure how I'm going to get through the remainder of the year. I know I will figure it out, because I always fucking do, but I'm not sure how it's going to happen yet. My credit cards are already maxed at limits that are unacceptable. I have shit that I need to do though. I have stuff I need to do for my kids. I have to buy food and toiletries for the house. I have to pay bills. I got my raise at work, but then income I get elsewhere was cut significantly- to the point where the amount I'm making with the raise doesn't even cover what I'm losing, at a time when the amount of the bills rises by quite a bit, not to mention the holidays. So, I'm trying to figure all of that out. It's stressful. I'm trying my damnedest not to panic, but it's hard.
My emotional state is fluctuating. I'm trying. I'm really trying. As I sit and watch every one around me succeed as I flounder though, it's hard to stay positive. I watch people move up and succeed in their jobs while I stagnate. I don't know what I have to offer anymore. I feel tired and used up. I see people going back to school; furthering their education. I see them finding love and having these relationships that are happy and healthy. Then there's me. I can't remember the last time I had a healthy relationship. When I get involved in one that has the potential, I sabotage it. Why? Because I don't believe that it will last. I know that eventually I will be hurt so I might as well stop it now before my heart gets crushed to dust. I might as well be the one doing the crushing so that I know it's coming. I also don't feel the feels very often, so when I do start to feel them, I don't know how to handle them and panic. I go through this run, no stay, no run thing... It's a seriously fucked up combination that makes for a very volatile Thaydra when it happens. Finding someone willing to stay through the me trying-to-work-through-this-shit period is pretty much not going to happen.
Not to mention, despite my crusty exterior, I'm a hopeless romantic with apparently ridiculously high standards that no one has a chance of meeting. I want that spark to be there when I meet them. Or fairly soon. It doesn't have to be a severe romantic spark. That hasn't always been the case, but just that "something about them" spark that makes me want to see them again. Most importantly- I expect their actions to match their words. Words can be utterly beautiful things, however, without the actions to back them up, they can turn dull and empty. I want someone to make me feel the things I hear. And I am no longer willing to settle. I don't see the point. So then I'm left wondering if I'm setting the bar too high. How can wanting someone to mean what they say be too high, though? I don't think what I ask for is unreasonable. I do know that I panic and push people away too soon. I'm working on that. Unfortunately, there's not much I can do once I've pushed them away too often and they get sick of me and move on. Who can blame them? Then it's hard to want to try and risk that again. Not to mention it's just hard to find someone that I mesh with in that way, and I hate dating. It's exhausting and ruining my faith in human-kind even more than it already was.
>.<
So, I need to figure out what I'm going to do about this shit. I don't know what I can do yet to climb out of this hole, like I said before- I'm still trying to figure that part out, but I need to do something. What I can do is focus on the positives. Things are always going to have their shitty sides. The yang to the yin, etc... it's all about balance, right? I'm a Libra- I need balance. I need to balance myself back out. So, I need to balance out this negative shit with some positive shit. (Who's going to bring me some unicorn poop on Saturday??)
I have a job. Let's start with that right there. There are plenty of people in this world that don't. For that matter: I have a roof over my head. I have bills that need to be paid, which means that (at least for now.. hehe) I have heat, I have food on the (metaphorical) table, I have a car, I have running water, and clothes on my back.
I have two amazing fucking kids that also have these things. Those kids have amazing friends, so that I don't have to worry about what they are doing when I am not looking. I have never had to worry about them getting into drugs. I've never had to open the door to a policeman bringing them home, or go down and pick them up. Hell, I've never even been called into the principal's office. They are well-adjusted, caring, intelligent, kind, albeit a bit twisted kids. How the hell that happened with me as their mother, I don't know. (Okay, I know the twisted part. Shut up.)
I have a very close connection to my mom and my siblings. We do not fight like I hear in other families. We do not have the disconnect like I hear about in other families. I have it with my father, so I understand what other families talk about, but I have a very close bond with my siblings and my mom. I value this bond very much, even though I may not reach out. I don't know what I would do without it.
I have a very close core group of friends. Again, I'm horrible about reaching out, but they know this about me and do not hold it against me. Actually, some of them are just like me in that regard. lol. I know that if I need to I can call on them anytime, and they know the same of me. We can go months without talking, but when we do meet up the comfort level is like no time has passed. I love them dearly.
I not only have a job, but I have a job in a fantastic place with fantastic people. After working jobs in stressful places where I felt I couldn't have an opinion on anything, it's wonderful to be in a place where I feel like where I am makes people happy, and the people I work with are not just coworkers but friends.
I am making progress in how I view myself. It might be small progress, and I might backslide often, but it's still progress and that's better than nothing. The more progress I make, the more light comes in, and the more it allows me to see what else is in there. I'm slowly feeling my way around, becoming familiar with these corridors, the mud on the walls is slowly telling me its stories, and it's not so dark anymore. Maybe the way "out" isn't to get out at all, but to make myself at home within these walls, to embrace them as a part of me and understand them, to stop fighting them and learn them. To take the time to know them, and therefore better know and understand myself.