Spring break was supposed to be a time of getting out of the house and outside, but instead has turned into an inner reflection and a deep inspection and reorganization of my mind.
As some of you know, I'm kind of broken. Between the depression and the migraines, my brain was having one hell of a time processing anything rationally. I finally broke down and medicated myself for the depression again, as well as saw a neurologist for the migraines. In doing so, I effectively bombarded my system with a barrage of new medications. I figure it was all out war on the depression and migraines. I know in theory I probably should have introduced things slowly to give my body time to adjust. To wean myself on to this stuff. To treat my brain like a delicate little baby. To that I said "fuck you." I know my brain. It would have adjusted. It would have figured out what was going on, made the necessary adjustments, and gone right on doing what it's been doing for so long. No, this time I needed something strong. I needed to be sneaky. I needed to be direct, powerful, take no prisoners! In doing so, I screwed myself all up for a little bit. In all honesty, while it sucked and was kind of scary, it was also kind of hilarious and entertaining now that I can look back at it and laugh. And as the depression lifted some of its hold (but by no means all, don't throw a celebratory party just yet), and for the first time in I don't even know how long, I could go more than a few hours without that nagging pain dragging itself across my head and clenching my temples... so too did the fog within my mind start to clear. I began to see a little bit, and I began to be able to think again.
I came to a few realizations this past week. Sitting at home -listening to the rain defeat my hopes of hiking through the woods outside- gave me time to hike within instead; to walk through the forests of my Self and really see what was going on in there. Now that the fog wasn't quite so dense, I could take a gander at what had been hidden from me, what I had looked right past, and discover that in many cases the paths I thought would lead to my happy destination were instead leading me to dark, disturbing tangles instead.
For awhile now I have been utilizing a couple of online dating sites. I figured it would be a good way for me to meet new people, get out more, and kind of "liven things up a bit".
You should be giving me "that look" now.
Instead, I was driving myself crazy. People suck and my mind is still too fragile for that kind of shit right now. I was setting myself up for constant self-criticism, self-doubt, etc... Why aren't they messaging me? Why did they stop messaging me? Why the fuck did I get stood up?
Again? This crap can really start making someone question their self-worth. Hand that to someone who has already been questioning this for years, and you've got yourself heaps of trouble. No wonder I had to medicate myself again. I decided it was time to stop. It wasn't worth it. Yes, I've met some cool people. However, they are very, very few comparatively speaking. So on a whim I deleted the accounts. I don't need to continue to put myself through that over and over again.
In doing so, I've had to discover and re-enforce in my mind the good traits I do have that I can and do bring to any kind of relationship I get into, whether it's romantic or not. A good friend of mine sat with me and helped reiterate these and confirm them to me, which was helpful.
- I'm a good person. I genuinely try to see the good in every single person, regardless of who they are. I truly believe everyone has something good in them somewhere. Even if they and everyone else doesn't. I'll find it. Even if I think they are a ginormous douchebag, there's something.
- I give people way too many second and third chances because of this sometimes, but sometimes it turns out to be worth it.
- I'm very open-minded and non-judgmental, which helps me to do the above-mentioned things. It is not difficult for me to oftentimes not only see but understand multiple sides of a situation. It doesn't mean I agree with it, but I can see someone's point of view and "get it".
- Because of the open-minded and non-judgmental side of me, I form my own opinions of someone. While I will take others experiences into consideration, I do not form opinions of someone without meeting them for myself. We all get along with people in different ways.
- I'm very easy going. I do not mind my friends or partner hanging out with other people. I actually encourage it. I do have expectations and limitations (mainly for the partner, of course) as everyone does, but nothing I believe to be abnormal or obnoxious.
- I'd like to think I'm somewhat intelligent and can carry on a decent conversation. I may not be the embodiment of excitement, but I like to think I'm not entirely dull. Besides, in the "partner" aspect, I have some favorites that seem to be popular. :)
That's all I can think of right now.
So, instead of browsing the singles ads thinking I need a guy to make me complete and happy, I've decided that I can do that myself. (gigglesnorts and crude comments appreciated and encouraged here. ;) ) Part of this is making it a priority to work on my exercise and diet again. To help make this happen, and not peter out like usual, my daughter and I (as well as a host of friends) have signed up for the Color Run in August. It's only a 5K, but a good place to start. I got a 5-mile hike in yesterday, and 2.5 of it was mainly uphill. It was a bit more difficult than I would have liked for it to be for me, but I made it in one piece, I can walk today still, and I enjoyed it. There is hope for me yet I think.
While I would like to focus on only the positives in everything, I also understand that life is not always so, and I need to evaluate what is negative so that I can figure out what if anything I can do to help either change it or see if I need to get rid of it. One of those things is the people I choose to associate myself with. This one has always been extremely difficult for me, as I am a bit socially awkward as well as being rather introverted and not rather fond of people I do not know, so when I do meet someone I wind up considering a friend, it is hard when I begin to feel that maybe the feeling is not mutual. It is also difficult because I feel that maybe I am sometimes a lot more demanding and intense than most people are in some aspects. I have a very small group of friends that I care and feel very passionately for. I understand that not everyone feels that way, so it's sometimes hard for me to distinguish between whether or not I am being shunned, or if they are just busy elsewhere. This has always been the case for me.
Within these few friends, on rare occasion one will come along that I will connect with on some deeper level. I'm not talking romantically. I will just feel more comfortable opening up to them. I will feel safe with them. Sometimes it's only in one area, sometimes it's on more than one. Usually when this happens, the other person responds the same way. So when they don't , it really throws me into a tailspin, because it rarely happens (both my responding to them and them not responding back), and I really don't know how to react when I open up to someone who I then realize doesn't really care.
I don't know why I connect with some people like this over others. I've found no real rhyme or reason. Of course, it doesn't really happen enough for me to study it too much. For now I just need to continue to keep some people at
arms length, and let those I've learned to trust continue to be my
confidants. They are enough. Maybe someday I will find someone I can open up completely to. Wouldn't that be something?
While this break didn't wind up going the way I planned, it did clear away much of the fogginess that has clouded my mind for so long. I'm able to see a path again, and while it may not be completely clear and smooth, it's faint and ragged and overgrown, it's there. It's manageable. And while being able to see my way again doesn't help to ease the pain that comes with what has happened to me, my feet have at least become unstuck from the mud that has kept me pinned in place for so long, and I can start moving forward again.
