I haven't written in awhile. I have been journaling, but in a notebook instead of here. It's sometimes more therapeutic for me to actually physically write it out.
On Sunday, May 17th, my dad passed away. Technically he was my step-dad, but considering he's been a more active part of my life than my "real" father was, yeah- he was my dad. So, we'd been dealing with everything that goes along with the grief of that. On Wednesday we were able to have him cremated. It was one of the final steps in finding closure, and the ability to now more forward in this new reality.
It's new reality all over, as well. Not just moving forward with him gone, but the world itself is morphing and changing into - I don't know. It's all so complex, and uncertain, and overwhelming. People have gone insane, and seem even more divided than ever. On top of my own personal situation I've been battling with for this past year. It's crazy. I don't know what is up or down or left or right anymore. I've found myself questioning my faith, which I really need to hold onto right now. A call with a friend helped me with that. I find myself questioning every single thing I do. Every choice, ever decision, every thought, every action. Is this helping me? Is it doing anything at all? It seems like everything I try to do isn't working.
My happiness project has fallen by the wayside in light of this month's insanity. I'm planning to reevaluate and start again in June. I refuse to give up. Even if it's not necessarily helping, it's giving me some guidance, some inner dialogue and reflection. It's not hurting me. Of all the starts in my greenhouse, only one of them has sprouted two stalks. We're talking out of about twelve different plants, four of each. After restarting them again . I don't even know. But I keep trying. I keep going out there and talking to them, and watering them. Touching the soil. Breathing the air. Even through the feeling of failure, just the atmosphere of being in the greenhouse is calming. I do have some other plants that I bought in there, so they help.
On my walk this morning (which I convinced myself to do to get rid of some nervous, negative energy) I really thought about what I was feeling, and where I was feeling it. As for the where: my stomach, my shoulders, my chest, and my eyes for sure. Basically everywhere. As for the what- I feel stuck. Overwhelmed. Like I'm swimming and swimming and swimming but not getting anywhere, and I'm starting to flounder again. I'm getting tired. I need to figure out a different tactic, and maybe a new direction. But even that seems like something I keep doing over and over. Eventually I will figure it out though, right? Because out here, there are no rescue boats or helicopters. I have to find the shore and get there myself. There may be some pieces of wood to cling to in order to get a little rest, or other things to give guidance, but they can't swim for me.
My head is just a mess. I cannot focus. I don't even remember what the reason for me starting to write this was. It's just a jumble of chaos. I need to figure my shit out. I don't even know where to start anymore.
