~A Bitter Swallow~

  In my quest for happiness, etc.. blah blah blah, I decided that I should have a bucket list.  A to-do list for my life.  I like the idea of having a list that I can look at, to help point me along the paths I should be taking.  I am in the beginning stages of two separate lists-  one that pertains just to things I want to accomplish, and another that pertains to things I'd like to accomplish with the family.   I figure this will help me plan vacations, or even just see where I need to work towards.  I still need to sit down with the kids and get their wish lists to help add to that list.  In any event, for those of you interested, here are my two lists as they've been completed thus far:

Bucket List (Personal)


1. Finish writing Bone & Silver

2. Publish Bone & Silver

3. Write another book

4. Learn how to speak / write Latin

5. Learn how to crochet or knit

6. Take a cruise

7. Visit every state in the U.S.

8. Visit the pyramids in Egypt

9. Visit Rome

10. Visit Australia

11. Learn to salsa dance

12. Stay in a 5-star hotel

13. Go to the beaches on Hawaii

14. See a volcano

15. Learn to spin on the spinning wheel

16. Own my own home

17. Ride a train

18. Lose 40 pounds

19. Keep the weight off!

20. Learn how to sew clothing

21. Become debt free (fix my credit report!)

22. Stay in a haunted house (or hotel)

23. Learn how to and actually make my own liquors

24. Teach myself to write left-handed

25. Learn to drive a stick-shift

26. Be able to do the splits

27. See Stonehenge

28. Go on a safari

29. See a ballet

30. See an opera

31. Get acupuncture

32. Learn to shoot my bow

33. Take singing lessons

34. See the original Mona Lisa

35.  Write everyday

36.  Work on (and complete!) at least one craft per week

37. Buy a brand new car

38. Take singing lessons





Bucket List (with family)

1. Places to visit:

a) Disneyland

b) Disney world

c) Sea World

d) San Diego Zoo

e) California Redwoods

f) Vegas

g) New York City

h) Statue of Liberty

i) Grand Canyon

j) Yosemite

k) Hawaii

l) Mount Rushmore



2. Go on a picnic

3. Go camping

4. Go geocaching

5. Teach the kids to drive

6. Do science experiments from the books we bought

 
 
  Do you have a bucket list?  I'd love to hear any suggestions, or what you would like to accomplish before you "kick the bucket".

   Maybe not necessarily always a blog post. Once again I have decided that I need to write every day.  Before I am allowed to go to bed, no matter how miserable and tired I am, I have to write something- be it a blog post, journaling or part of my story, it has to be something more than just a status update on Facebook.  Even if I just go to one of my blogger sites and bitch about how much it's pissing me off that I decided to do this!

  Today's topic is not as riveting as me having a temper tantrum.  Today's topic is teeth, and the oh-so-dreaded trip to the dentist. You see, I have not been to the dentist in, oh, let's say, ten(ish) years.  Recently (recent being over the past few months) my teeth have been really bothering me.  A couple weeks ago, my jaw gave out tremendous pain while chewing, to the point where I thought I was going to have to call Dustin home and have him take me to the urgent care.  It wound up going away on its own, but my teeth have still been very sensitive, especially while eating. The last time I had been to the dentist, they had warned that I was heading down the path of root canals.  So, understandably, I've been terrified of going to have my teeth looked at.  I was pretty sure I was in store for a lot of pain being dealt to my mouth, and a lot of money pouring out of my pocket. 

My sister recommended I go see a new dentist she had just found.  So, I called and made an appointment.  It snuck up all ninja-like on me today, and I think I almost had an anxiety attack, although I think I kept my cool pretty well.  Dr. Bloomquist took a look at my films, pointing out what she saw.  Apparently the joints in my jaw are not the greatest, but neither are they of concern (at least not yet).  She said everything on the film looked good.  She then proceeded to make me say "Aaaaaahhhhhhhggggghhhhh".   She dug around in there, poking with that stupid little pointy metal thing that always reminds me of pottery class (those dental tools rocked in that class!  You know, when they aren't poking at my teeth!).   And then I got the news....


I have a tiny, intsy bitsy cavity on the back of my very last tooth in the back of my mouth.  So small, it hadn't shown up on the film.  So small that I had the option of not even doing anything about it and seeing what happened.  I opted to get it filled, and that will happen next week (hopefully while under a lot of numbing agents, and I even have the option of some anti-anxiety meds.  I'm a pretty big freakin' wuss....).  Then, I am in dire need of a cleaning.  We decided it will be like power-washing the house.. when you can visibly see the crap coming off....  so that was lovely. 

And that's it.  After all this pain, suffering, agonizing and terror... I have a small little cavity.  She says the pain and sensitivity are probably due to the tartar build-up.  I guess they cause pressure on the nerves or something... I forgot to listen after hearing I only had one teensy cavity.  I was still in shock.. waiting for the horrible news about having to rip all my teeth out and put in metal pointy replacements (that's totally what I would have gone after if that had been the case... how cool would that be?!). 

So, Dr. Bloomquist was awesome, and I am thankful my sister recommended her.  And I'm still flabbergasted that I don't have more wrong with me.  She told me I have beautiful teeth.  I've heard that from all 3 dentists I've ever been to.  Guess I got lucky in that department, thank goodness!! 

  So, the "Rapture" came and went, with nothing insomuch as a firework to display it.  At least not around here.  Although, we did have a wedding going on across the street.   I thought that was sweet.  Hey, if by some miracle the dude was right, what better place to be, then surrounded by friends and family celebrating love? 

  In any event, though I did not believe the world was going to fall apart, while the "good" were risen up into Heaven, it did make me stop and think "What if?"   What if it did happen?  Where would I stand?  If I had to stand before an ultimate judge, where would I go?  Now, I do not believe in the Christian God... let me rephrase.. I do not believe that he is "Ultimate".  However, I do believe in spiritual powers out there that are higher than anything us mortals could ever wrap our little minds around.  Hell, I am certain that the animals have a closer understanding to "God" than we do.  Animals, and babies.  But I digress... that is another blog post...

 My point is that I do think we are "judged", though maybe not in the "This soul gets to go to Heaven and this soul gets to go to Hell" sort of way.  But I believe our life is a lesson of choices and actions.. and the next life we embody is a result of those choices.  Maybe not completely karmatic, as some believe, but to an extent, I do think so..  So, if the world ended tomorrow... if just my world ended tomorrow... How would I be judged?  How would I judge me? 

 I do not think I am necessarily a bad person, but lately I have not felt like much of a good one, either.  As I mentioned in another post, I've become too bitter, too hardened in the heart.  I judge others too harshly, too soon.  I use to be the great balancer.. the great "there are two sides to every story, if not more" person.  I always tried to see from the other person's eyes before making judgements..  but not anymore.  I make judgements before I even know the person, sometimes before they even say a word.  This fact makes me feel very little and shallow.  I've tried to change it, but it's not an easy task.  I've been wronged a time or two, and I think those scars are a bit deep.  I've had too many take advantage of my trustfulness, of my giving nature, to the point where they've taken it all from me.  Now the task is to find it again.. rekindle that flame of good-naturedness and love and trust, and to let it burn bright again.  The battle is finding out how to do so...

  They say that if you smile at one person, you can change an entire day... and I believe it to be true.  I want to start by just smiling more.  To take the time to stop and listen again... to the people I love, to those who I've never met who cross my path, to those I work with, and even sometimes just to listen to nothing.. because everything has a voice, and everything has a story to tell.  I want to hear them.  I want to smile at a person, and have that person smile at a person, and have that person smile at a person... I want to be a part of that domino effect.  I want my domino effect to be a positive one... not a negative one.  

  Slowing down.. that's something I need to remember how to do.  I need to let myself realize that life will still go on if the dishes sit in the sink and I take the kids to the park instead.  That the money is going to be spent, so I should take solace in spending it creating memories instead of flushing it on something we'll never remember even an hour from now.   That I do not have to be perfect... it's okay not to be perfect..  

 So, Mr. Rapture dude... maybe your calculations were wrong, and you were not lifted on the wings of angels up to Heaven, but maybe you caused others to do the same as me.  Maybe you changed the way some think.. caused them to reevaluate what is really important to them.  And while the changes in us may not be significant, even one small thing being reworked to a more positive way is a step in the right direction...

   I have noticed that since I actually started using Facebook on a regular, daily basis, my blogging has been flushed right down the toilet.  I put little thoughts on Facebook, so blogging feels a bit redundant.  Everyone who reads this is on my Facebook (at least as far as I know), so you've already heard it!   The stuff that doesn't make it on Facebook, well..  I was taught the whole "If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all.." idea.   So, yeeeaaahhh......   Then I also have the guilt associated with feeling like if I am in a mood for writing, then it should be focused on my story, and not a stupid blog.  

  That said, I'm going to whine for awhile.  It's fair warning, so you can bolt now and save your ears. 

  I've turned into such a cynical person.  I didn't use to be like this.  I use to be a very optimistic, trusting, loving person.  I always saw the good in people, and judged off the good, not what I perceived to be the bad.  I don't know where that was lost, but somewhere along the way it went a different way.  My bread crumbs, maybe... eaten up by the crows.   I want it back.  I was much happier when I wasn't so cynical.  When everything was beautiful and full of hope, instead of grey and lacking.

  I know it's a matter of rewiring my thinking.  I need to stop myself when I feel myself thinking negative thoughts. Redirect them to find the positive in the situation, instead.  The problem is:  I've been trying to do that, but there are some things I just don't see any silver lining in at all.  Some use to have some silver, but silver will tarnish if left too long. 

  I'm also having a hard time with working.  Don't get me wrong, I love my job.  I found a wonderful job with an absolutely fantastic group of people.  I didn't think that kind of job existed out there.  But I have it.  Which makes my not wanting to work make me feel even worse, because I know how lucky I am to have it.  I have always been the type of person who preferred the life of a housewife, though.  I don't like having to be somewhere at a specific time/etc...  I hate when I have to miss the kids' stuff because of work, because I have no more sick time or vacation time.  I hate always being sick, and feeling like it's completely stress related.   Some of my happiest times were when I got to be a stay-at-home mom/housewife... cooking, cleaning, etc.  I know it sounds strange, but I really relish in that.  I hate feeling like I have two (three, four) jobs.  I have to work all day, then come home and clean (and sometimes cook), be a mom (which I adore), do laundry, etc etc etc.  But it stresses me out.  When I have down time, I no longer want to get out and do anything, I just want to sink into myself, emerge myself in something mind-numbing (games, no drugs!) and hibernate... hermitize myself.   Then I feel guilty for being unproductive and lazy.  When I stayed home, I was way more productive, and much less stressed out about it.  I could take a complete day off from housework, etc and just go play, and not feel like a jack-ass.  I was a more happy, relaxed person.

  Of course, the days when I was a housewife, I could afford it.  Well, maybe I should rethink that, too, because my ex-husband made just above minimum-wage, and we were fine.  Maybe it's just a matter of rethinking and reevaluating what I deem to be important and necessary in my life.   Where can I pinch and will it really hurt if I do?

 

 Ok.. enough of that off my mind.  Next time I will talk about something less whiny!  Or I'll at least pass out some cheese and crackers to go with it!