~A Bitter Swallow~

It's that time again;  time for us all to make promises to ourselves that we will break within the first month or two of the new year, right?   The dreaded "New Year Resolutions".

I stopped doing those a long time ago.   It always just made me feel worse and worse as each year would roll around- watching yet another year go by and I hadn't done what I had said I was going to.   I still make lists of things I would like to accomplish, however, I do not set them in stone.   They are just goals I strive toward.  As each year passes, I find that I may need to make them a bit more realistic; a bit more manageable, or I may find that I'm kicking ass and getting those big goals taken care of.

 Sometimes I just make a long list of shit I'd like to have happen, and see how many I can get crossed off in that one year.   It's not logical to think that all of them would get crossed off.  So just getting more than one accomplished is a feat.   If you work with me, you might have noticed how much I enjoy crossing stuff off of my lists.   LOL

Some of you may have already seen this on my Facebook page.  The picture above is my "resolution" for this upcoming year, 2016.   Me.   I'm my resolution.  It's time.  It's time to honestly focus on myself and get my shit in order.  Straighten myself out, all around.  In 3D:   Physically.  Mentally.  Spiritually.

I made lists of goals I'd like to accomplish this year.  I tried to keep them valid and attainable.   Some I will probably need help with,  I'll need to figure those parts out.  I've taken each of my goals and separated them according to which category I feel they are going to help me balance-  my physical, mental, or spiritual well-being.  The ultimate goal is that by investing the time in re-balancing myself, it will help me become a better mother, daughter, sister, friend, and maybe at some point in the future, partner/lover.


So without further ado, I will list my goals as they stand now.  I list them for you all to witness so that you may judge me, accompany me, encourage me, laugh at/with me, assist me, or disregard me as you see fit.   I may or may not add to them as I see fit.  As I accomplish them, I will strike them out.   That is the part that makes my dark little heart patter with glee.


Physical:

Up my daily water intake.  Right now I average probably a measly 1-2 liters a day.  I'd like to double that, at least.

Start menu planning and stick with it.  Pizza nights need to be pre-planned or far and few between.  Vegetables need to be a main part of every lunch and dinner.

Morning smoothies need to be a thing again.

Take my vitamins every day.  I need to make sure I take my regular meds as well.  5 huge pills and 3 regular pills suck, but they make me feel better and keep the migraines at bay.  Laziness here is just plain stupid.

Make exercise a daily habit.  It would be easier if I had someone to tell me what to do, because I'm simply retarded in this area, and Google is just information overload to the extreme.  Not to mention leaving me to my own devices usually winds up with me huddled under my blanket on the couch with Netflix.   However,  finding a video or two and forcing myself to do them at home is just going to have to become a mind over matter issue.   I've been eyeballing that PiYo system.

Yoga.  Get back into yoga.  Find a way.

Start walking to work again.

Spend some time every evening stretching.



Mental: (this will be the long one)

Get financial issues in order-
    Pay off Capital One card
    Pay off car
    Pay off orthodontist
    Pay off smaller cards
    Pay down other two cards

Get Daemian's driver's license

Get Rhiannon's driver's license

Figure out the Microsoft Office issue on the computer, and then get the certificate

Figure out schooling stuff

Clean out the house/purge-
   Go through crafting stuff
   Go through other half of downstairs
   Go through my bedroom
   Go through books
   Clean up under porch / concrete area
   Go through kitchen cupboards
   Go through hallway closet
   Daemian's room
   Rhiannon's room
   Stuff above Daemian's computer

Finish my damn book!

Learn how to knit



Spiritual:

Start keeping a dream journal again

Get more connected.  Walks in the woods, on the beach, etc...

Embrace the holidays more.  Even if it's just something small like baking something, creating a craft, reading a story..

Become more of the kitchen witch I am.   Start stockpiling supplies as I can so I can start creating, plan the herbs, etc.. for this season, research and learn.

Try and attend a couple of ceremonies or events this year.

Meet new people (maybe at those ceremonies/events!)

  I'm really feeling it tonight:

The lonely
Cast aside
Forgotten
Insignificant
Broken
Not good enough
Not strong enough
I'm not enough

I dream
I hope
I wish
I grasp
I cling
I let go
I sacrifice
I strangle
I choke

I try
I try to be what I want to be
It's just not enough

I try
I try to be what others what me to be
It's still not enough

Nothing is ever enough
I'm not enough

  I'm not in a good place tonight.   My mind has wandered to places dark and bleak and seems to have set up camp.  I've tried the normal tricks to pull it back out to lighter, happier, or at least less scary places, but it is not falling for them this time around, and will not be swayed to leave.  I don't like it when it goes to these deep dark places.  The thoughts and images there are heavy and dripping with a finality that is a bit terrifying in their seductiveness.

  It would be so calming to no longer dredge these depths.  Or to have to pull myself up and force myself to skim shallow, donning the various masks for whichever occasion, hoping that one day the mask will just become real and maybe that content feeling will actually be honest instead of one of those stupid mantras I try to convince myself will one day come true if I just repeat it often and believe hard enough.  If I keep putting out that positive energy- it's bound to come back my way.   I think I've just pushed too much out and haven't left any to find its way back.

My brain has such a good way of reminding me of all the stuff wrong with me.  It would be easier to say reminding me of how little is right.   It likes to point out the numerous flaws, the many fantastic ways in which I have failed at life so far, and how it doesn't look like I'll be "winning" anytime soon. How my personality makes it so easy for people to walk away from me without a second passing thought, even if I'm over here dying inside.   It likes to point out that if I were to disappear right now... not very many people would notice or care.  It really likes to throw that in my face.  That one is its favorite.

So, I sit here and fight with it.  I tell it to fuck off.  I tell it I don't care.  It continues to push buttons and I look like a lunatic to the AA (or NA, I'm not sure which) people across the street while they see me through my window having an argument with myself.  Because yes, I argue - out loud- with myself.  Both sides.   Sometimes I think that straight-jacket and that padded cell sound like such a nice retreat.

In the battle of me vs each day, today has definitely won.  I've not had a good day today.  Maybe it's just because I've been battling this stupid cold for two weeks now, and I'm getting worn down, but today got the best of me.  My mood is sour and I'm just reminded of how much I don't matter in the real gist of things.

People will ask one another: "What is your biggest fear?"

Well, outside of the obvious "losing a loved one", mine has always been being alone, with no one caring about me.  Being forgotten.  A footnote in the background. That I don't matter.

 However, I've actually been living my worst fear for awhile now.  It's a terrible feeling.  Gut wrenching.  I think that in all of the people I know, I can count on one hand how many people truly give something of a shit about me, and that's with fingers to spare.  That's also including my kids.    


I'm not saying this to make anyone feel bad.  I'm not putting it out there to garner pity, or false attentions, or  even consolations that I am mistaken.  I am simply stating how I feel..

I continue to try.  I put myself out there.  I face each day.  I interact with people.  I try to forge relationships with people, even though I know I'm bad at it.  But fuck, I try.  I'm getting tired of trying, though.  I mean really, what's the fucking point?  I think maybe I should just make peace with the whole being alone thing.  I've already been forced to face the fear, so might as well cozy up to it and become pals.  It's obviously not going anywhere anytime soon.

   Well, we're a bit into November now, and so far I think I've been doing pretty well with this "season".   I've had a bit of a set-back with the migraines, but I know those are going to be a work-in-progress for awhile, so I'm not too surprised about that, and am keeping my thoughts positive and hopeful that eventually things will balance themselves out in that area.  The fact that my doctor prescribed a vitamin regimen (B2) to add to my current medication dosage instead of more drugs is a pleasant surprise, and I'm hopeful that it will help.  It was a bit of a bummer to hear that once the migraine takes hold there isn't really anything to be done other than sleep, quiet, darkness, etc...  Nothing is really going to help alleviate the pain or other symptoms.  I would rather not be put on a bunch of drugs if they aren't really going to help, though.  More natural alternatives I am much more fond of trying out.  I did forget to bring up massage therapy, and maybe even chiropractic.  However, I go back in three months, and that will give me time to see what all my insurance covers, etc.. so I can discuss it with him with more knowledge in hand on what I'll maybe actually be able to even afford to do.  I'm even considering that pressure point piercing...

  The depression hasn't been too bad so far.  I still have my moments of downness.  It catches me at the oddest of times;  moreso during the daytime hours than at night it seems.  I'll be walking through the library, standing doing the dishes, driving down the road,  or waiting for the oven to heat up, and something will hit me;  A memory of some way in which I inevitably fucked things up again, or just thoughts about how I am just not good enough in one way or another in my life.   It's like a punch to the gut.  It actually doubles me over sometimes, and I have to fight to keep the tears back.  But fight I do, and so far I'm winning.

  I was out with some friends the other night.  One was discussing a gentleman he wants to set my sister up with.  He sounds like a great guy, and I'm actually pretty excited to see if they connect.  I'm so hoping she finds someone, because she is SO WORTH IT!  Not that she needs a man, but she deserves to be spoiled and I want her to be happy.

But then our friend looked at me and said he didn't know "what kind of guy" to look for for me.   Someone I love very, very much told him not to bother; I cannot remember exactly how she worded it, but pretty much stated that it's not going to work for me to be set up, or for me to search for someone... that it's going to take someone just walking into my life unannounced..     She didn't mean it in any sort of derogatory way.  It simply is what it is, and I think she's 100% correct.

 I just have this void in me; this numbness or emptiness.  I just don't seem to connect with people "in that way".  I can't seem to form bonds. I meet people and go on what seem like should be great dates, but just feel nothing.  I "shut people out" and "don't give them a chance", is what I've been told.  Maybe they're right, but I feel like I shouldn't fake something that isn't there. 

  Only certain people have what it takes to flick that switch and ignite that spark in me.  I never know who it will be.   I have no "type".    There are just these strands of energy in me that suddenly light up, that reach out and grab onto a person.  Or perhaps it's more the other way around;  that person's strands reach out and grab mine.  They grab them and light them all up, turn them all on- these strands that normally lay dormant in me.  The neurons start flashing and firing, and suddenly there are all these.... "feelings".   It happens fast.  I usually know right away when this person comes into my life;  within a month or two. They usually scare the shit out of me.  It causes so much confusion in me.   It's hard to process all of it.  I don't know how to read it, or what to do with all of this sudden influx of information and emotion. 

The last time this happened was pretty devastating to me.  I handled it badly.  That's an understatement.  I handled it epically horrible.  It left me raw, bleeding, wounded, scarred and still not completely healed.  I thought I would come away from that cold.  Steeled.  With walls so high and unmountable that no one would ever stand a chance of breaking through again.   I don't want to feel like that again.  It was so painful, and it was only the beginning.  Had I let it progress any further... I'm afraid to think of what would have happened.

A strange thing happened though. . I let my wound stay open, I let myself continue to bleed.  I let myself stay just a little bit vulnerable.   I grew.   I came to the realization that I could never get over this if I didn't learn how to deal with it.  If I kept walling myself off, it would only make things worse.  I can't deny the fact that my heart wants to feel these things.  It wants to open itself up to someone.  I can't hide myself away from that, because doing so only makes it a million times worse when it sneaks up on me like it has.  It makes me make bad choices.  It makes my fight or flight instinct kick in, both which have terrible consequences for me.  The thought of putting myself through that potential pain of heartache makes my stomach turn in and of itself, but what I really need to do is learn how to deal with the actual feelings themselves.  How to stop running from them, how to accept them and let them develop, how to let them grow even though they terrify me.  It's the fear I need to get over.  Yes, the fear of potential rejection, pain, and loss, but more importantly, the fear of letting myself be vulnerable, be so open and exposed to someone, to letting someone inside my walls.

  I know it's not going to be easy.  None of it:  Not dealing with the migraines, dealing with the depression, learning to allow myself to feel emotion, allowing myself to open myself up to vulnerability, or even finding that someone to open myself up to again.  I'll just have to take one day at a time and deal with it when it happens.   I have to keep that channel open.  I have to allow those vines to feel their way out, to find that person it connects with and stop stifling it.   Stop stifling myself.

  Just, next time, it would be nice if those damn vines would connect with someone who feels the same way, pleaseandthankyou??   :)

It's my birthday.  I'm 39 years old today.  I've been trying all week not to think too much about this.  Not because I'm afraid of the number, because I'm not.  Maybe next year will be a sticker shock, but this year I don't care about the age.  It's not the number that bothers me.

What's been nagging at me as today has approached is where I am in life.  Or rather, where I'm not.  I had mentioned before that I didn't know what triggered my depression stage at this time of year, but I think I figured it out.  I think it's actually my birthday.  LOL.  How sad is that?   What better time to reflect on all the things I have not accomplished?

The past couple of months I've really felt outside of things. I mean, I usually feel outside of things, but it's been enhanced lately.   It seems like I've just watched so many things come together for people.  I've watched their careers advance.  They've found love.  They've gone back to school.  They've had all these wonderful things happen.  It makes me happy for them.  It truly does.  I love having these beautiful, happy things surrounding me.  I love seeing my family and friends successful, in love, happy.   I love seeing good things happening all around me.  

It's just that sometimes I feel so out of place.  While good things happen for me, they are small.  Don't get me wrong-  I appreciate the fuck out of the good things that happen for me.   They don't happen often, so when they do I am supremely grateful.   It's just that my life has this painful way of mocking me with that whole "one step forward, two steps back" mentality; for every positive thing that happens for me, it has to throw a couple of obstacles in my way to prevent that positive thing from really giving me any leverage to progress forward at all.  

Who is to blame for any of this?  Myself, of course.  I've had help, sure, but I'm not about to go naming names and pointing fingers when I am the master of my own universe and I have control over it.   Their part in the grand scheme of things is minuscule, and I am the one to shoulder the burden of guilt here.  Just me.  It is my choices and my actions (or inaction) and my mistakes that have led me to where I am today.  I've dug myself a hole so deep and so intertwined that I've gotten myself pretty stuck and lost.  I know that I have friends and family who love me to keep me company and who want to help, and while I sincerely appreciate their companionship, they can't lead me out, as they don't know the way either.

I go through stages of stumbling around in the dark, bumping into unseen corners, feeling my way along the damp, muddy walls, running into dead ends, realizing I'm going in circles.  Other times I just sit and think, try and reason my way out, try to find the logical decisions, the way that makes sense.   Sometimes I just curl into a ball and pretend I'm somewhere far away, where the sun shines and there's ice cream, even though I'm not particularly fond of ice cream because it's cold and I don't like the cold, but where I am in my Pretendland it's nice and warm and ice cream is an appropriate treat......


Don't judge me.   I'm doing that just fine on my own, thankyouverymuch.



I feel like I am failing at life.  I'm failing at adulthood.    I feel like such a horrible example for my kids.  I have no idea how they've turned out to be as good as they have.  LOL!

My financial status is dismal.   I'm not really sure how I'm going to get through the remainder of the year.   I know I will figure it out, because I always fucking do, but I'm not sure how it's going to happen yet.   My credit cards are already maxed at limits that are unacceptable.  I have shit that I need to do though.  I have stuff I need to do for my kids. I have to buy food and toiletries for the house.  I have to pay bills.   I got my raise at work, but then income I get elsewhere was cut significantly- to the point where the amount I'm making with the raise doesn't even cover what I'm losing, at a time when the amount of the bills rises by quite a bit, not to mention the holidays.  So, I'm trying to figure all of that out.  It's stressful.  I'm trying my damnedest not to panic, but it's hard.



My emotional state is fluctuating.   I'm trying.  I'm really trying.   As I sit and watch every one around me succeed as I flounder though, it's hard to stay positive.  I watch people move up and succeed in their jobs while I stagnate.  I don't know what I have to offer anymore.  I feel tired and used up.  I see people going back to school; furthering their education.  I see them finding love and having these relationships that are happy and healthy.   Then there's me.  I can't remember the last time I had a healthy relationship.  When I get involved in one that has the potential, I sabotage it.  Why?  Because I don't believe that it will last.  I know that eventually I will be hurt so I might as well stop it now before my heart gets crushed to dust.  I might as well be the one doing the crushing so that I know it's coming. I also don't feel the feels very often, so when I do start to feel them, I don't know how to handle them and panic.  I go through this run, no stay, no run thing...  It's a seriously fucked up combination that makes for a very volatile Thaydra when it happens.  Finding someone willing to stay through the me trying-to-work-through-this-shit period is pretty much not going to happen.   

Not to mention, despite my crusty exterior, I'm a hopeless romantic with apparently ridiculously high standards that no one has a chance of meeting. I want that spark to be there when I meet them.  Or fairly soon.  It doesn't have to be a severe romantic spark.  That hasn't always been the case, but just that "something about them" spark that makes me want to see them again.  Most importantly-  I expect their actions to match their words. Words can be utterly beautiful things, however, without the actions to back them up, they can turn dull and empty.  I want someone to make me feel the things I hear.   And I am no longer willing to settle.  I don't see the point.  So then I'm left wondering if I'm setting the bar too high.  How can wanting someone to mean what they say be too high, though?  I don't think what I ask for is unreasonable.  I do know that I panic and push people away too soon.  I'm working on that.  Unfortunately, there's not much I can do once I've pushed them away too often and they get sick of me and move on.  Who can blame them?  Then it's hard to want to try and risk that again. Not to mention it's just hard to find someone that I mesh with in that way, and I hate dating.  It's exhausting and ruining my faith in human-kind even more than it already was.
>.<


So, I need to figure out what I'm going to do about this shit. I don't know what I can do yet to climb out of this hole, like I said before- I'm still trying to figure that part out, but I need to do something. What I can do is focus on the positives.  Things are always going to have their shitty sides.  The yang to the yin, etc...  it's all about balance, right?  I'm a Libra-  I need balance.  I need to balance myself back out.  So, I need to balance out this negative shit with some positive shit.  (Who's going to bring me some unicorn poop on Saturday??)

I have a job.   Let's start with that right there.  There are plenty of people in this world that don't.  For that matter: I have a roof over my head.  I have bills that need to be paid, which means that (at least for now.. hehe) I have heat, I have food on the (metaphorical) table, I have a car, I have running water, and clothes on my back.

I have two amazing fucking kids that also have these things. Those kids have amazing friends, so that I don't have to worry about what they are doing when I am not looking. I have never had to worry about them getting into drugs.  I've never had to open the door to a policeman bringing them home, or go down and pick them up. Hell, I've never even been called into the principal's office.   They are well-adjusted, caring, intelligent, kind, albeit a bit twisted kids.  How the hell that happened with me as their mother, I don't know.  (Okay, I know the twisted part.  Shut up.)

I have a very close connection to my mom and my siblings.  We do not fight like I hear in other families.  We do not have the disconnect like I hear about in other families.  I have it with my father, so I understand what other families talk about, but I have a very close bond with my siblings and my mom.  I value this bond very much, even though I may not reach out.  I don't know what I would do without it.

I have a very close core group of friends.  Again, I'm horrible about reaching out, but they know this about me and do not hold it against me.  Actually, some of them are just like me in that regard.  lol.  I know that if I need to I can call on them anytime, and they know the same of me.  We can go months without talking, but when we do meet up the comfort level is like no time has passed.  I love them dearly.  

I not only have a job, but I have a job in a fantastic place with fantastic people.  After working jobs in stressful places where I felt I couldn't have an opinion on anything, it's wonderful to be in a place where I feel like where I am makes people happy, and the people I work with are not just coworkers but friends.

I am making progress in how I view myself.  It might be small progress, and I might backslide often, but it's still progress and that's better than nothing.  The more progress I make, the more light comes in, and the more it allows me to see what else is in there.  I'm slowly feeling my way around, becoming familiar with these corridors, the mud on the walls  is slowly telling me its stories, and it's not so dark anymore.  Maybe the way "out" isn't to get out at all, but to make myself at home within these walls, to embrace them as a part of me and understand them, to stop fighting them and learn them.  To take the time to know them, and therefore better know and understand myself.

   

  So.... I "started" that 100 Days of whatever.   I was supposed to be recording stuff, doing reviews, keeping track, holding myself accountable. 

Well here's an update.  So far:   I've completed one (1) day of it.  That was the first day.  It wasn't even a whole day.  I did some stuff on the list.  Of the list, the only thing I can remember for sure completing is an organization task- because I organized the coffee table that I sit at.  It's what you could consider my "desk" , I suppose. 

That's it. 

/sigh.

I have excuses.  That's all they are.  Excuses.  They are not good ones.  There's no reason as to why I didn't do more on this other than the fact that I'm stubborn and I didn't feel like it.  Sometimes I really need a good kick in the ass, you know?   Yes, you know.  If you've been reading this (or know me at all), I know you know.  

I also recently read through something that made me realize just how utterly insane going through the process of going on and off the antidepressants, as well as trying out different migraine medications,  coupled (or would it be considered tripled?) with dealing with dormant "feelings",  all at the same time made me....   It was pretty bad.  Strike that.  It was absolutely embarrassing. No, strike even that.  Humiliating.    I'm surprised I didn't wind up in the nuthouse.  That's almost a literal statement.    I'm looking back on things and trying to decipher what in this screwed up head of mine was even real.  I mean, I know what I felt.  I just wonder what was real. 

I'm so fucked.  It's not even funny.  I mean, it's humorous enough to laugh at myself, because if I don't I just might slit my wrists... but it's not even funny. 


At least all that shit has stabilized.  I'm off the antidepressants.  That was the smartest decision I made, I think.  I might not think so in a month or two, once the depression hits, but that shit messes me up.  I remember why I stopped before.  I know it's most likely probably more a matter of needing to figure out which one works for me, but I just don't have the finances or patience for that.  Not to mention I just don't know that I can handle going through the side effects.  They are really bad for me.  My only regret is that I didn't wait.  Or do it sooner.  I have the worst timing in the world.  I swear I'm a calamity of errors.  Welcome to my life.

I went back on the previous anti-migraine med once I was off the antidepressant, and that seems to have been a good decision as well.  It has been working.  So, I'm two for two in that department so far.  Again...  I just wish my timing had been better.


It's Fall.  It's my favorite time of year.   As much as I dread what I know lurks for me in the upcoming shadows and corners, I also anticipate the ritual of turning inward and exploring those dark areas.  Every time I do I gain something.  Every time I come out the other end stronger and with some greater knowledge of myself; some tighter grasp of power over my darker side.

I always emerge.. and that is the important part.

  I was driving home after running an errand after work today, and I noticed as I drove past a cemetery I felt a sense of peace wash over me.  It's always been that way.  Cemeteries have always been a place of comfort. Even as a teenager I would gravitate towards the cemetery when I needed calm.  What is it about being among the dead that delivers such a deep sense of tranquility in me?  I wanted to stop the car, get out, walk between them, read their headstones, listen to the wind whisper stories while the rain showered down on me;  Then curl up on-top of the gravestones, huddle among them and just close my eyes for awhile.

Perhaps it is the fact that they no longer judge (that I am aware of).  Or that I can talk and they just "listen".  They do not argue or say mean things (that I can hear).   And while they do not respond, I do not have to watch them blatantly ignore me.  At least they have a good excuse.  They're dead.

Or perhaps it's their complete lack of responsibility or duty anymore that I am drawn to.  They are no longer attached to the demands of the societies of this world.  Love, acceptance, success -even in the smallest of senses -  .... none of that matters.  There's just the cool earth crumbling, eternal sleep, rest.  At least that's what I can see at this end.

Do I believe that's all there is... a rotting corpse in the ground?  No.  I believe our souls journey on.  That escape sure sounds appealing though.   That rest.

  Summer is nearing its end, and as Autumn approaches and the colder months make their appearance, my mind turns even more inward and introspective.  I've looked at the 100-day challenge before and have tried it.  I never make it the 100 days, but still find its ideas a worthwhile pursuit.  I feel it probably fits better for a Spring Cleaning type deal, but the outline makes a comforting guide to start with when the deep introspection hits, as it can get a bit heavy if left unchecked.

Fall is my favorite, but it is also my hardest.  It is when my depression is most likely to hit the worst, perhaps because of the deep introspection that I put myself through.  A lot of ugly stuff gets drug up during the twilight  months of the year for me.  No particular reason for these months, other than maybe a SAD thing. It just happens every year.  Some years are better than others.  Some years are more medicated that others.  :)   This year I will be un-medicated.  I believe I was un-medicated last year as well.   I lived through that one;  I expect the same this time.  :)

Someone had shown me the challenge a couple years ago.   Of course, if you Google "100 Day Challenge" you are going to get a million different types of challenges.  The one I am specifically going off of is This One.   Simple, small ways.  Baby steps.  That's what I need.  I pick a few at a time and incorporate them in.  Some that I have chosen before are already a part of my routine now.  Time to make a couple more routine for me.  Some I can't quite make habit, but I'm going to keep trying.

I'll blog about it here.  I'll be good about it for a little while, and then they'll stop.  Like before.  Or maybe I'll do better this time.  Who knows?  I make no promises to myself, or to anyone else.   I will do what I can.

Some of the things I plan to do this go-round:

1. I've made a notebook to plan out days of decluttering.  I need to figure out what to do with stuff I want to donate, since I don't want to take it to the Goodwill.  I'm thinking shelters, etc., so I need to do the legwork to figure out where is accepting those donations.  I'm not good with legwork, so another thing to work on.  Of course, having a cordless phone would help with that, so maybe that's a purchase I should actually look into making.
2. Work around the house- some of that I'm going to have to get outside help with.  I just don't know how to do some of the stuff.  I do need to put together the list though, and then figure out what exactly I need to make it happen, and then get that shit together and get it done.  Just fucking do it.  I'll feel better about it.  The stuff I can do can go onto that calendar with the decluttering.
3. A variation on the things I am grateful for-  listing all of the positive things I can think of that happened throughout the day.  I need to remember those when things get dark.  
4. On that same note- listing the positive things about myself.  I tend to forget these things.  I'll forget them often.  I may need to actually list them- physically write / type them down, because some days that list will be empty for me. 
5. Make a list of things I enjoy doing, and then making sure I do at least one of them every day.  
6. Have a good laugh every day.  If possible, share it. 
7. Learn something new every day.  Share it.
8. Stop complaining.  If I realize I am complaining about something, stop immediately.  Do something to fix it instead (if possible). 
9. Keep "Morning Pages".  Three pages of longhand, stream of consciousness writing done first thing in the morning.  This will require me to wake up a bit earlier than I do now, but I find it intriguing.  My mind is in high gear the moment I wake up.  Getting what's in there written down could be interesting.  LOL  
10. On the same note, I'd like to do a version of "Evening Pages".  Bascially a journal...  thoughts before going to bed.  Whether this is done via blogging or in a notebook, I am not sure, but I think I need to do it.  
11. Make it a point to feed your mind with the thoughts, words, and images that are most consistent with who you want to be, what you want to have, and what you want to achieve.   This one is tentative, though.  I feel it is a slippery slope between motivation and aspiring, and then reminding myself of what I don't have and making myself feel worse.   I'll have to see how I react to it.  
12. Take a notebook with me everywhere and record everything, dates, to do items, ideas, etc...  so that my mind can stay decluttered.   Organize accordingly as needed/necessary at the end of the day (enter into planner, etc.  )
13. Identify one low-priority activity you can stop doing (Facebook) and devote it to a high priority task instead
14. Write for at least 30 minutes every day
15. Do (at least) one creative thing every day, not including the writing
16. Eat five servings of vegetables every day (find out what exactly that looks like)
17. Eat three servings of fruit every day (find out what exactly that looks like) 
18. Drink more god damned water
19. Eat breakfast every day
20. Create a list of 20 healthy, easy to fix meals that can be eaten for lunch or dinner
21. Create a list of 10 healthy, easy to fix breakfast meals
22. Create a menu plan using the lists, shop accordingly and actually make them.
23. Keep a food log
24. Get at least 20 minutes of actual exercise in every day.  Walking the hill home from work doesn't count.
25. Stretch every day.
26. The challenge says to connect with someone new.  I say I hate people so fuck that.  I will, however, make it a point to reach out to the people I already know.  I'm horrible about that and need to be better about connecting with the friends I already have.  So I'll make it a point to connect with two or three people a day that I don't already talk with on a daily (or mostly regular) basis.  How's that?  
27. When someone does or says something that upsets you, take a moment to think over your response before responding right away.   I already do this.  However, what I tend to do is completely overthink and overreact and take something and twist it into thinking it's way worse than it actually is, and then instead of talking to the person about it, I'll just think the worse and it builds and builds and then ugly things happen in my head.  So I need to make sure I clarify things with people when I think they've said something that upset me.  lol

So, those are the ones I'm going to focus on.   If anyone has any suggestions or tips they'd like to share, feel free.  I'm all ears.  Or anything they think I should add to the list that isn't on the original list of 60.  Or something that I left off that you feel I really should work on.  

I'm not sure how much of this I'll be able to update on here, but I can do the reviews.  Whether those will be daily or weekly will depend on my mood of course.  I'm sure it will be sporadic  I think I'm keeping my list fairly simple and easy to manage this time, though.  They are goals that I want to achieve, and I'm not over-extending myself on anything.  If you feel so inclined, join me on it. :)

*****************Update 8/29/2015**************

One week to the day since I wrote this.    It's funny, how time works.    How pieces fall into place, how images that were once so out of focus take their form, words that were so foreign suddenly make sense.  Not all of it- not by a long shot;  enough of it though, so that I am able to finally pick myself up, brush myself off, turn around and walk away with my chin held high.  

I figured out the word I had been searching for as to what happened to me.  Such a simple word really, yet so encompassing as to how I felt- that made me react the way I reacted to you....  "Overwhelmed."   Completely overwhelmed, if I want to be specific.  Utterly and completely overwhelmed by feelings and desires that I didn't think I would ever allow myself to feel again- that hit so hard and so fast that I couldn't fathom what was happening to me.   Circumstances being what they were with us, I did the only thing that made sense to me, and the only thing I know how to do really well.  I ran.   And you know what else I realized?  You let me.  You 100% let me without a single argumentative word against it.  Not one shred of you tried to stop it.  Not one ounce of you did anything to try and keep me from running away, even though I know you knew what I was doing.   Do I fault you for it?  Not entirely.  I was a mess, and I've never really told you my story.   Why would you want to deal with that when you could just go find someone else?

It is and was painfully obvious that you were not at all as invested emotionally in me as I was in you.  Not at all.  You have your reasons, I know, but I had held out hope that , like me, something of those walls had cracked and fallen, and that some emotion of the same caliber as mine had slipped through.  Again back to that stupid, filthy word - Hope.   How I cling to it and its empty promises.  How I loathe it.

However, I've come to realize that what I'm clinging to now is ridiculous and even worse than what I had run from in the first place.   Hoping that you would want to talk to me, to see me, to hold me, to fuck me...   It would never be as it was, and what I thought it was never really was to begin with.  It was illusion.  And it would definitely never be anything more.  It is a dead end that would lead to nowhere, because regardless of the words that come out of your mouth, your heart was never in it.  Perhaps it was in the beginning and perhaps it once again is my fault that it left, but however the reasoning- it wasn't there.  Why would I want to allow myself to be involved in something so completely one-sided that would only tear me apart even more than I already am?   I need to salvage whatever heart and (I hate to say it) hope is left within this broken mind and soul of mine and try and protect it, and maybe even eventually rebuild it-  not shatter it until there is absolutely nothing left but the darkness that is within me.  It is so very dark.

So though it still hurts, it is a hurt I will recover from.  My flesh has been torn and I've lost a lot of blood, but the blood congeals and scabs over.  Eventually the scabs will fall off.  The scars will remain.  They will remind me of my fallacies and to be more careful in the future.  The Phoenix has arisen once more.


*********************************************************************************

Original Post 8/22/2015:

Why can't I stop thinking about you?  Why - the fuck- can't I stop thinking about you?  Seriously, you are the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning, and the last thing I dwell upon before finally falling asleep at night.  Still. 

I thought this would have been plenty of time to have gotten over all of this by now.  I should have moved on by now.  I should have gotten past this bullshit part.  I haven't even known you long enough for it to have affected me this much for this long.  Yet, here we are.  Well, here I am.

It might be one thing if it was just the sex I kept thinking about.  That would at least make sense.  Believe me, there's a lot I think of in that area.. However that's not where my thoughts tend to dwell.  It's the little things I miss.  The small moments and memories about you that my mind focuses on that I keep going back to over and over again.   The way you would drum on my arm or leg;  how animated you can get when talking about music or movies; that night we were laying in bed and you caught a case of the giggles and couldn't stop laughing for like ten minutes;  the way I could see you struggle not to lecture me on my eating habits;  spending the day perusing books at the second hand stores;  just sitting on the couch watching goofy YouTube videos;  your eyes just looking at me or the feel of your hand in mine or on my leg;  and now sitting on the swings and you quietly asking me if I was okay.

When you came over last week all I wanted to do was jump on you, wrap myself around you, and not let go.  Instead, I spent most of the time half-focused on how I was holding myself, what I was saying, where I was sitting, etc..  I had promised you that it would be a strictly platonic visit, and I didn't want to do anything that might give the impression that I had called you over with intentions to try and weasel my way back into your arms.  Gods, how I would have loved to ... but I had made a promise and I was determined to keep it.  So, I made sure to try and keep my body language neutral, to not sit in ways that might expose me, and I just about panicked when you sat on the couch, and cleared off the chair so I could sit away from you.   During our little walk I was very much aware of the proximity of your arm next to mine.  You know I love your arms.  (I think of them often, too...) I wound up talking of things I shouldn't have, and then felt awkward about it. I tried to stop, but I think you had caught the bitterness of it all in my voice and tried to spin a positive on it for me.

I hate that I feel this way.  I hate that I can't stop thinking about you.  I hate that I know it's not even remotely the same for you.  It makes me hate you so much sometimes.  Of course it's not you I hate but the whole fucked up situation and myself for screwing it up so badly.  It makes me so angry, and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it anymore.
Sometimes I want to reach out and tell you.  What would really be the point though?  What difference would it make?  Most likely nothing other than making me feel more like a pathetic idiot.  It won't change anything.  It won't put things back the way they were.  It won't bring you back to me. So I'll throw it out onto the internet instead.  Let's make my humiliation completely public.  It's okay.  I don't plan on posting this one to Facebook, so the chances of people reading it are pretty few, and the chance that it will be you is pretty impossible, so I'm not worried about it.

I'm just pissed.  And hurting.  And I want it to go away and it's not and I really don't know what the fuck to do about that anymore.  It's not even getting better.  So, I reside in limbo until something changes.  And I seethe.  And I hope.  I hate that dirty little four letter word.  It's almost as bad and filthy and mythological as that "L" word.

 I'm feeling.... afloat.  I don't really know how else to describe it.  In one sense I feel better about things, but I don't feel like I'm "moving on" on "getting better".  I just feel- stuck.  I never did get professional help.  I know, I know... I really should.   It's just such a hard and weird thing to do.  It's an uncomfortable feeling.  What would I say?   " Hi, my name is Thaydra and I'm a freaking mess."   Yes, that's exactly where I could start, I know.  It's still weird and icky feeling.   Not to mention it just sounds like a lot of stress and work to get to the point of actually getting the thing set up, and stress is something I'm trying to lessen right now.

Not to mention I'm pretty much sick and tired of doctor's visits right now.   Obviously they can't fix this broken.  lol

I'm not even sure why I'm at my blog writing, but I felt like there was something in me that needed to be let out.  I just don't know what. Not yet.  I figure it will work its way out eventually... a rotten splinter festering beneath the skin.

I'm in a rut.  I've been in the same place for too long.  Way too long.  It's making me antsy.  It has been for awhile now.  The pull to cut ties and just go has been tugging at me for quite some time now.  How easy it would be to just go start over somewhere else; somewhere where no one knows me.  Where I can just find some shadows to fade into and hide for awhile..  I'm grounded, though.  At least for the next three years, if not a bit longer.  The gypsy blood will have to stay tame for just a little while longer yet.



I feel like I have left too many words unspoken.  I still don't have closure.  I cannot turn my back and tread the paths before me to new unopened doors when there is still unfinished business left behind.  Have you ever had regrets that were so large, and so ungodly inane?  That's the worst part, I think..   how stupid they are.  How gut-reaction and thoughtless...  pure instinctual and fight-or-flight.  Irrevocable.   Snowballing into these out-of-control mind-fucks.   It gets to a point where you're not even sure what is reality anymore.  None of it is.  All of it is.  There's this detachment from it all-  everything becomes dreamlike, and I'm not even entirely sure if I'm even awake.  I'm waiting to wake up and have everything go back to the way it was before I was a colossal idiot.

That might wind up taking me back further than I really want to go, now  that I think about it.

I need to sit down and figure shit out.  Like my finances.  It's so overwhelming though.  I see summer coming to its close and the colder months fast approaching and the panic that rises in me at these thoughts make it so I seriously cannot even function.  Serious hyperventilation.  I don't know what I"m going to do.  I mean, I am sure I'll figure something out.  I always do.  It's just an incredibly stressful process.

  I'm having a difficult night.  I went and saw a pretty cute movie called Trainwreck with a friend of mine.  It was like watching a comedic chick-flick documentary on my life.  The way she handles relationships with men, the running, the emotional blocks, the walls...  and then the way she completely and utterly freaks out when feelings hit her unexpectedly.   The only problem is it got me thinking about things again;  things that have been going on recently and things about myself that I'd rather not be thinking about.

 Then I came home to more bills in the mail.  Then even bigger ones in my email.  Things seem to just keep snowballing on me and I can't seem to catch any footing here.  I'm falling and floundering and I can't keep myself upright.  I'm getting buried over here, and I'm just about to the point of defeat.  I don't know what to do anymore.    I'm at my wits end and I just don't have anywhere to turn.  Every which way I look is yet another failure in this great tragic comedy that I've made my life.  The only good thing I've done with it are my kids.  I try desperately hard not to let them see just how damaged and broken I've become.  I don't want them to see me weak.  I want to be strong for them. I want to give them a good, strong role model to look to.  I just can't help but see how drastically I am failing at that.  

It hurts.  I want to reach out, but  I don't really want to talk with anyone.  I care about the  people in my life, and I know that there are those who care about me.   I truly do.   I just don't want to talk about anything with anyone.  I do feel the desire to be near someone, however I'm quite certain that the only person I really want to  have near me through this wants nothing to do with me anymore.  This makes me ache in ways I didn't even know I was capable of.  In ways I never, ever want to experience again.

 My trust levels about opening up emotionally with people have been severely damaged again.  The depths of the wounds and scarring suggest that there won't be a good recovery this time around.   You poke a vein too many times, it's bound to collapse irreparably.   I'm sitting in the middle of my castle of walls while my world crumbles around me, and there is nothing I can do about it.  I watch as all the beautiful, empty words people have said to me whisper through the haunted walls on hollow winds.  All the empty words, tormenting me with their broken promises and deceit.  Words I foolishly believed and fell for, opened cracks in my walls for; cracks that became fissures; fissures that weakened me and left me vulnerable.



    Emotions.  Health.   Finances.  Work.  Abode.   All of it in disrepair.  All of it chaotic.  All of it a whirlwind of pandemonium in my head, threatening to tear me down to my very core and break me into little pieces;  to shred me bit by bit until there is absolutely nothing left.   Confetti of flesh and bone and blood and brain and mind and thought....  raining down where there was once a person.    Could I be reborn from such a bloody mess?  As the Phoenix is reborn from its ash when it burns, could I rise once again from the detritus of my own implosion?

      Here I am again, about to divulge to you what's been going on in my head.  It's been a chaotic mess in here lately.  I'm pretty certain I'm having a nervous breakdown.  I don't say that in the metaphorical sense, but in a quite literal one.  I looked up the symptoms the other day, when I was having yet another moment of just not being able to cope with absolutely anything at all.   I found this website that gave signs and symptoms and I pretty much have every single one. 

10 Common physical nervous breakdown symptoms

1. irregular heart beat - you can feel your heart pounding. You may think you're gravely ill, yet tests are unlikely to be convincing.
2. tensed/painful muscles
3. clammy hands, sweating
4. dizziness or light-headedness
5. trembling or shaking - you may feel these are the most embarrassing symptoms of a nervous breakdown as you worry people may notice
6. upset stomach and bowel problems - your body/mind reacts as if your life is in danger and digestion is secondary to survival
7. exhaustion - all your energy is being used trying to manage/cope with this crisis
8. pains - 'unexplained' ones
9. coughs and colds - you seem to be catching every bug that's floating around
10. tension headaches

10 Mental symptoms that make you think you're going mad

1. Anxiety about every day things
2. Panic and phobias
3. Inability to cope with stuff you wouldn't have thought about twice before
4. Loss of libido - you feel 'dead below the waist'!
5. Impotence - and a sense of shame about that to boot
6. Sleep problems - not being able to fall asleep, frequently waking up and not being able to go back to sleep with racing thoughts
7. Withdrawal from loved ones - my clients describe it sometimes as 'living in a bubble'
8. Irritability and angry outbursts - you have no spare capacity
9. Difficulty concentrating - you probably can't even read a page in a book, or even keep your mind on the headlines in a newspaper
10. Depression - this is almost a 'given', when your life seems to be 'unraveling' (See my pages on depression - links further down.)

(The only ones of these I'm not having a problem with are #4&5.  In fact, it's the opposite way, and it's already high to begin with.  To the point where it's becoming problematic in its own right. )

5 Typical emotional problems with a mental meltdown

1. crying easily, and seemingly endlessly, at the drop of a hat - whether you're male or female!  No need to be embarrassed.
2. feeling guilty for all kinds of reasons: 'not pulling your weight', not being there for someone else, not being your 'normal' self, etc
3. feeling alone - you're embarrassed and don't want to bother with anyone. You don't even recognise yourself.
4. feeling joyless - increasingly withdrawing from all the things you would normally enjoy - no wonder with all those symptoms!
5. being/feeling 'paranoid' - feeling that people are out to get you and single you out for every scrap of negativity.

 If you've spoken to me within the past couple of weeks or follow me on Facebook, you've probably heard about me complaining about my heart palpitations.  They've been a bit obnoxious and even a bit on the worrisome side lately.  It was them, actually, that made me really sit down and start analyzing what was going on with me that might be causing it.  I had the rest going on as well, but just assumed that it had to do with some personal issues I had going on.  However, the severity of it all made me start to question if that was really all that was going on.



  Both of my kids now have walked in on me having fits of uncontrollable crying.   I think even some of my coworkers have noticed, though they have been kind enough to not mention anything.  I have had to make many sudden trips to the restroom in order to hide myself away while the tears flow uncontrollably down my face.  It's the last thing I want my coworkers or patrons to witness.   Usually I can curb my emotions and swallow them down, but lately it's been impossible for me to do that.  The merest of memory, thought, visual or verbal reminder, anything that triggers it just causes that flood gate to open and there is nothing I can do to stop it other than to let it run its course and dry out on its own.




I can't seem to concentrate on anything for any length of time.  I can't even read for more than a chapter or so at a time.  This is so horrifying for me, as reading is my main means of escape, and if ever I've felt the need to escape, it's been these past couple of weeks.  However, I just can't get my eyes to focus on the letters, or my brain to process what the words are saying, or my mind to form the pictures, etc...  I find myself rereading the same sentences over and over and over before finally just giving up and finding something else to do that doesn't require as much... well, focus.  Even writing this blog post is taking a tremendous amount of effort, and I'm having to stop and start again.  Move away from it and come back from time to time in order to keep my train of thought on track.  Is it from the lack of sleep?  Perhaps.  I'm not averaging more than a couple of hours per night, with a cat nap or two thrown in throughout the day.  Nothing I do seems to help that.  I've cut down the amount of coffee I drink, started putting in some physical exercise, tried getting my eating habits better (when I remember to eat), etc..   but nothing works on it.  My brain won't shut off, my body won't relax.  I just toss and turn in both body and mind as the hours and minutes tick by until my alarm goes off and it's time for me to start the next day.

This in turn also makes me feel guilty, because I'm not getting stuff done.  It's hard to feel like you are pulling your weight when you are constantly drifting in thought, or lack of thought, or running to hide your latest batch of tears, or just do not have the oomph in you to get things done.   However, there are these random bursts of crazy energy in which I get so much done, so it's hard to explain to people why at other times I'm just not doing anything.   How do you make someone understand how you can feel absolutely miserable and sick at one moment, and then the next you are bouncing off the walls with a completely chaotic energy that you cannot explain?

I've been feeling almost borderline manic lately.  The extreme highs and lows.  I'll have those bursts of energy I was talking about, where I'll get tasks accomplished and work done.  Or I'll just go spend all of my money that I cannot afford and do not have on frivolous things just because I don't care anymore.  Or, more dangerous, I'll go into what I call my "predator mode" (because that's what it feels like).  In this mood all I want to do is find a male and have copious amounts of sex.  I usually don't care who it is and don't put a lot of research into his "character" other than whether or not he will be capable of satisfying what I want.  I don't even care to know his name and have no interest on seeing or hearing from him afterwards.  I take what I want and I leave.  It's incredibly dangerous on a multitude of levels and in my lucid moments I know this.  In my manic moment I don't care.   The only thing that has kept the manic side tamed down is the fact that my kids are home 95% of the time.  My instinct to protect them still outweighs my desire to just let go and throw caution to the wind when it comes to myself and my own primal desires.  The flip side is this causes me to feel like a tiger caught in a cage, and I feel like I'm just pacing back and forth waiting for the moment the lock is not set right.  So far only one weekend has gone by when they have been away, and I've been busy with previous made plans for most, so my time frame has been limited.




For the most part I've just been telling people I'm okay.  I'm fine.  I'm just fucking peachy.  I know some of them know I'm lying, and they let me.  I just continue to put on a smile and say "fuck it" and "fuck the world" and do my battles and fight my wars.  What the hell else am I going to do?   Some days I want to just lie down and never get back up.  I want to get into my car and just drive until I run out of gas, and then just get out and walk until my legs and feet can carry me no more.  I want to just dig myself into a little hole and hide away from all of the world and just not fucking deal with it anymore.    There are days when I don't want to be the strong one anymore.  When I don't want to be the one that always pushes through and keeps going.  Who keeps her sense of humor about things and continues to laugh at herself.   Sometimes I want someone to see past that mask.  When I say "I'm okay" I want them to see that the yelling and splashing is not me laughing and having a good time playing in the water.  It's me floundering and starting to drown.  It's me losing my ability to keep myself afloat, and hoping someone will notice before it's too late, but at the same time not wanting to ruin anyone else's good time and bring them down with me.   A couple do, and they try their damnedest to help.  But I don't think they realize just how deep I've sunk, nor how to help me.  I don't even know how to help me.

Fuck I miss you.  And I don't even feel like I can tell you, because I want to give you your space to decide what you want to do.  But god dammit I miss you so fucking much it hurts' so much that I can't breathe..   Fuck it hurts.  I miss you.

  You know those days where when you're crossing the street, and you kind of really hope that the truck coming just runs the light and hits you?  Not hard enough to kill you-  just enough to put you in the hospital for awhile; keep you in a coma so you don't have to feel, and then when you wake up you're on so many drugs you're all foggy and hazy and don't really remember.  If you're really lucky, you won't even remember why you were hoping to get hit in the first place, and then it will all be worth it.

  Now, before you freak out, I know I don't really want to get hit by a truck.  I know the likelihood of being physically and probably mentally maimed, if I survive the accident, for the remainder of my life would be high, and that the damage done to my loved ones would be significant.  I would never wish that on them.  But fuck, I just wish I could not have to think or feel anymore. Just for a little while.  Just to forget.  Just to be numb.

It was so stupid of me to let my defenses down so completely.  It was even stupider to do it in the scenario I was in.  I know better.  I knew better.  There are reasons I have my walls built so thick and so strong and so tall.  There are reasons that I don't let people inside those walls.  I cannot stand the pain that they bring with them.  Every time.  It doesn't matter whether or not they bring it on purpose.  They bring it regardless of intent.

I've also found my judgement entirely lacking.  I can no longer tell whether someone is trustworthy or not.  I can no longer tell whether their intentions are true or not.  I've fallen for so many lies, so many smooth talkers, so many tricksters.  Now I just expect them all to be suspicious.  They are all just after their own agenda, with no care to what it will do to me.

Not that I am without fault, for I'm not.   I did not expect him to break through so easily, and then once I realized he had, I did not know how to react.  I misunderstood things at first, and then once I realized I had misunderstood, chose to ignore instead of addressing it right away.  I buried it instead of bringing it to the surface and in doing so caused myself anxiety and distress, which in turn caused me to overreact and my fight or flight instincts would kick in.  I would not / could not ask for what I wanted, so how can I blame anyone other than myself if I never let him know what was on my mind?

This is a pretty standard reaction from me.  It's rather pathetic.  I just don't know how to handle feelings.  They are awkward and foreign.  They feel heavy and dirty on me.  Mainly because often times they are not returned, so I want to just shake them off of me like some kind of gross germ that might make me sick- which really isn't all that wrong of an analogy, if you ask me.

I had an absolutely wonderful weekend last weekend.  If it hadn't been for knowing what I was about to do, it would have been perfect.  I knew what would have happened in the long run, though.  I knew I was about to be phased out.  Maybe not right away, and maybe not completely, but it would have happened.  I have no doubt in my mind that it would have happened.   I would not have been able to handle that.  The pain that watching and feeling that happen would have caused me.. I can't even describe what thinking about it feels like.. let alone what experiencing it would have done.  I knew I had to do something before it came to fruition.  So I did.  It didn't go down the way I would have liked it to, which would have been face to face, but I did it.  I did it terribly, as I always do, because I can never express myself accurately when it's an emotionally charged topic, which this definitely was.  And then I proceeded to finish my only glass of wine and bawl on my couch.  So much so that my daughter heard me and came out to sit next to me with her arm around me.  She didn't say anything- just sat there.  I don't think she knew exactly what was going on, but I think she might have had an idea.  I don't just break down like that.

These past few days at work have been murder on me.  Memories or phrases will go through my head and will set me off.  I'll see specific trademark images that are direct specific reminders of him that I have to see often and I have to keep my composure.  I make many trips to the restroom in order to get myself under control.  It honestly pisses me off how badly this is affecting me.  It's been a very long time since I've been hit this hard.  It caught me completely off guard.  Completely.

I've cried, a lot.  A.  Lot.  I figure it's just a thorough cleansing.  Wipe it all clean.  And this time, instead of walls, I'm going to just fill the whole thing in with concrete.  I don't ever want to feel this way again.  Ever.   It's not worth it.  This girl is officially off the market. This item is no longer available.   But I miss him.  :(

  I know it's been awhile since I've been on here.  It's not for lack of substance matter to write about, for sure.  There has actually been tons of subjects matter to write about... I could write novels.  However, I just did not have the writer's mind or drive to get it all down on here.  I do regret that to an extent, as I hope one day I'm able to look back on all of this and laugh.  Or cry.  Who knows.

 In any event, I'm not here to write about all the stuff that's been going on since I last left you.  Not the death, or the birthdays, or the graduation, or the crap with my migraines and all of the issues that has caused.  Instead, what brought me here today is a quote I found quoted  inside of a little book entitled The Storied Life of A.J. Fikry by Gabrielle Zevin.  It is quoted from a book that was a big part of the story called "The Late Bloomer".  I am not certain that book is actually real.  I've yet to research the matter.    It says:

"It is the secret fear that we are unlovable that isolates us, but it is only because we are isolated that we think we are unlovable.  Someday, you do not know when, you will be driving down a road.  And someday, you do not know when, he, or indeed she, will be there.  You will be loved because for the first time in your life, you will truly not be alone.  You will have chosen not to be alone."

This passage rang through me so deeply that I had to reread it a few times.  The words seemed to jump off the page as if they had been secretly written just for me.  It moved me so much that I reached down and plucked a dandelion from the ground and marked the page (inside the library's book, no less...) so that I could refer back to it.  Indeed, so that I could write this little scribble of my own.

I have always known that I tend to act this way.  Past issues have caused me to erect solid walls, massive fortresses, around my emotions.  I keep people at bay, and if I feel cracks forming in those walls, I flee.  I have sabotaged relationship after relationship in order to prevent those walls from coming down or being breached.  In fact, usually I run before an actual relationship is even formed, because I do not want the heartache.  I feel too deeply when I feel, and I do not want to hurt anymore.

As the quote says, it is because I feel unlovable that I fear that I will again and again be used and hurt in the long run.  That because I cannot see what could possibly be lovable about myself, I cannot fathom that anyone else would.  My heart has become dry and bitter, yet it still feels so much, and sometimes those feelings are unbearable.  So I keep it contained deep within me.  Protected, barricaded from the outside world.  I would rather be alone than chance that my heart will be stepped on once again.  Yet I constantly keep putting myself in situations that cause me pain and indecision.  I will tear a person or relationship apart and find all of the flaws in order to allow myself to rip it apart in order to maintain my walls, in order to flee without remorse.

Lately I've discovered that my walls are old and weakening.  Keeping them upright and solid is taking all of my strength, and I'm just so tired.  I'm also absolutely terrified.

(On a side note, this post is  not meant about family and friends, which I think is obvious.  That is a whole other part of my being, and while I am oftentimes hurt that way as well, the scars do not seem to run as deep and the wounds do not seep for quite as long.)

If you sit and stare at something long enough, do you start to see pictures in the patterns?  The swirls in the floor tiles or carpets, the dust on the walls, the popcorn on the ceiling, the grain of wood in the paneling, etc?  Like watching shapes in the clouds?  I do.  Sometimes I can lose myself in watching the shapes emerge, shifting and swirling, taking form, changing, morphing....  oftentimes they are animals, or faces.. sometimes serene, sometimes demonic.   While on my treadmill I've watched the wall in front of me turn into a treed path that I could jog through.  Or a wooded forest with no trail but one I made myself  Or a dark road at night.  I've watched faces and animals on my ceiling or walls when I couldn't sleep.  And of course, everyone's favorite, while sitting on the toilet. 

This morning's interesting one was a projectile vomiting fish. 

Just thought I'd share that little visual. 

=)

Spring break was supposed to be a time of getting out of the house and outside, but instead has turned into an inner reflection and a deep inspection and reorganization of my mind.

As some of you know, I'm kind of broken.  Between the depression and the migraines, my brain was having one hell of a time processing anything rationally.  I finally broke down and medicated myself for the depression again, as well as saw a neurologist for the migraines.   In doing so, I effectively bombarded my system with a barrage of new medications.  I figure it was all out war on the depression and migraines.  I know in theory I probably should have introduced things slowly to give my body time to adjust.  To wean myself on to this stuff.  To treat my brain like a delicate little baby.  To that I said "fuck you."   I know my brain.  It would have adjusted.  It would have figured out what was going on, made the necessary adjustments, and gone right on doing what it's been doing for so long.  No, this time I needed something strong.  I needed to be sneaky.  I needed to be direct, powerful, take no prisoners!   In doing so, I screwed myself all up for a little bit.  In all honesty, while it sucked and was kind of scary, it was also kind of hilarious and entertaining now that I can look back at it and laugh.  And as the depression lifted some of its hold (but by no means all, don't throw a celebratory party just yet), and for the first time in I don't even know how long, I could go more than a few hours without that nagging pain dragging itself across my head and clenching my temples...   so too did the fog within my mind start to clear.  I began to see a little bit, and I began to be able to think again.

I came to a few realizations this past week.  Sitting at home -listening to the rain defeat my hopes of hiking through the woods outside- gave me time to hike within instead; to walk through the forests of my Self and really see what was going on in there.  Now that the fog wasn't quite so dense, I could take a gander at what had been hidden from me, what I had looked right past, and discover that in many cases the paths I thought would lead to my happy destination were instead leading me to dark, disturbing tangles instead. 

For awhile now I have been utilizing a couple of online dating sites.  I figured it would be a good way for me to meet new people, get out more, and kind of "liven things up a bit".
You should be giving me "that look" now.  
Instead, I was driving myself crazy.  People suck and my mind is still too fragile for that kind of shit right now.  I was setting myself up for constant self-criticism, self-doubt, etc...   Why aren't they messaging me?  Why did they stop messaging me?  Why the fuck did I get stood up?  Again?  This crap can really start making someone question their self-worth.  Hand that to someone who has already been questioning this for years, and you've got yourself heaps of trouble.  No wonder I had to medicate myself again.  I decided it was time to stop.  It wasn't worth it.  Yes, I've met some cool people.  However, they are very, very few comparatively speaking.  So on  a whim I deleted the accounts.  I don't need to continue to put myself through that over and over again. 

In doing so, I've had to discover and re-enforce in my mind the good traits I do have that I can and do bring to any kind of relationship I get into, whether it's romantic or not.  A good friend of mine sat with me and helped reiterate these and confirm them to me, which was helpful.

• I'm a good person.  I genuinely try to see the good in every single person, regardless of who they are.  I truly believe everyone has something good in them somewhere.  Even if they and everyone else doesn't. I'll find it.  Even if I think they are a ginormous douchebag, there's something.
• I give people way too many second and third chances because of this sometimes, but sometimes it turns out to be worth it. 
• I'm very open-minded and non-judgmental, which helps me to do the above-mentioned things.  It is not difficult for me to oftentimes not only see but understand multiple sides of a situation.  It doesn't mean I agree with it, but I can see someone's point of view and "get it".  
• Because of the open-minded and non-judgmental side of me, I form my own opinions of someone.  While I will take others experiences into consideration, I do not form opinions of someone without meeting them for myself.  We all get along with people in different ways.  
• I'm very easy going.  I do not mind my friends or partner hanging out with other people. I actually encourage it. I do have expectations and limitations (mainly for the partner, of course) as everyone does, but nothing I believe to be abnormal or obnoxious.  
• I'd like to think I'm somewhat intelligent and can carry on a decent conversation.  I may not be the embodiment of excitement, but I like to think I'm not entirely dull.  Besides, in the "partner" aspect, I have some favorites that seem to be popular.  :)  

That's all I can think of right now.

 So, instead of browsing the singles ads thinking I need a guy to make me complete and happy, I've decided that I can do that myself.  (gigglesnorts and crude comments appreciated and encouraged here.  ;)  )  Part of this is making it a priority to work on my exercise and diet again.  To help make this happen, and not peter out like usual, my daughter and I (as well as a host of friends) have signed up for the Color Run in August.  It's only a 5K, but a good place to start.  I got a 5-mile hike in yesterday, and 2.5 of it was mainly uphill.  It was a bit more difficult than I would have liked for it to be for me, but I made it in one piece, I can walk today still, and I enjoyed it.  There is hope for me yet I think.

While I would like to focus on only the positives in everything, I also understand that life is not always so, and I need to evaluate what is negative so that I can figure out what if anything I can do to help either change it or see if I need to get rid of it.  One of those things is the people I choose to associate myself with.  This one has always been extremely difficult for me, as I am a bit socially awkward as well as being rather introverted and not rather fond of people I do not know, so when I do meet someone I wind up considering a friend, it is hard when I begin to feel that maybe the feeling is not mutual.  It is also difficult because I feel that maybe I am sometimes a lot more demanding and intense than most people are in some aspects.  I have a very small group of friends that I care and feel very passionately for.  I understand that not everyone feels that way, so it's sometimes hard for me to distinguish between whether or not I am being shunned, or if they are just busy elsewhere.  This has always been the case for me.

Within these few friends, on rare occasion one will come along that  I will connect with on some deeper level.  I'm not talking romantically.  I will just feel more comfortable opening up to them.  I will feel safe with them.  Sometimes it's only in one area, sometimes it's on more than one.  Usually when this happens, the other person responds the same way.  So when they don't , it really throws me into a tailspin, because it rarely happens (both my responding to them and them not responding back), and I really don't know how to react when I open up to someone who I then realize doesn't really care. 

I don't know why I connect with some people like this over others.  I've found no real rhyme or reason.  Of course, it doesn't really happen enough for me to study it too much. For now I just need to continue to keep some people at arms length, and let those I've learned to trust continue to be my confidants.  They are enough. Maybe someday I will find someone I can open up completely to.  Wouldn't that be something?

While this break didn't wind up going the way I planned, it did clear away much of the fogginess that has clouded my mind for so long.  I'm able to see a path again, and while it may not be completely clear and smooth, it's faint and ragged and overgrown, it's there.  It's manageable.  And while being able to see my way again doesn't help to ease the pain that comes with what has happened to me, my feet have at least become unstuck from the mud that has kept me pinned in place for so long, and I can start moving forward again.

Crazy dreams again last night.   I seem to have this repeating kind of cycle.  They are not the same dream repeating over and over, just in the way they proceed.

Cycle one starts with a very intense nightmare... something lucid and extreme.  I don't remember the details of this one, but I remember the feeling of dread washing over me, the stuttering of my heart, the ice in my veins, as well as the anger of being put in such a position. 

The next cycle is me "waking up", and I start to tell someone about the dream I just had, but it's like I start to have a panic attack while telling them.  My heart races and I can't breathe.  The words won't come out.  I'm stuttering and I have to fight to say them.  I know that it's very important that I get across to them what happened, but suddenly I can't.  I don't know why it's so vital that I tell my nightmare to someone, but it is.

Cycle three is actually waking up, breathless, usually gasping the words in my sleep, forcing them out of me.  Then I realize it was a dream, and that I am actually awake this time.  I roll back over.

And the cycles start again.

I can even get up, walk around, go use the restroom, talk to someone, etc... and then go back to bed, and the cycles will still continue sometimes.  Not always, but sometimes.  It's really quite bizarre.  I'm guessing it's another one of the weird side effects of this new medication.  All of these little things are quite interesting to experience, really.  Other than being ill last week, which I think might be part medication/part cold, nothing has really been detrimental, just... bizarre.  It's entertaining, if nothing else. 

Sometimes I seriously think I'm losing my shit.  If you take some time to scroll through this blog, you'll see it mentioned often.  This isn't anything new.  Last night however, I got a pretty interesting visual picture in my mind to go along with this thought. 

I'm this big ass spider, but I must be some kind of mutant spider (in addition to my gigantic size.  Have you seen the movie by the way, it's pretty awesome in a completely awful way.  Go watch it.) because I had a bunch more than just eight legs.  I had like twenty.  Oh, and they were kind of obnoxiously long.  Anyway, I must have been pinned down because I couldn't move, and all of these legs were reaching and searching for all of the shits I  had lost.  I was seriously freaking out and flailing all of these crazy-ass long legs looking for all of my shits and couldn't find a single one. None of my shits were there to be found.  There were all lost.  Shit gone. 

On the bright side, maybe if they are lost long enough they will turn into fucks, and then I will have no fucks left either.....