~A Bitter Swallow~

I think I thought-vomited in my brain a little bit...

Thought-Vomit

My brain is constantly mumbling and muttering to itself. Sometimes it screams. Sometimes what it has to say is interesting enough to make note of, or is adamant enough that it must come out. I'll put that stuff here. :)
Friday, June 24, 2016

"Poof"

   I haven't had the best of luck when it comes to men in my life.   This is no secret.  I know I'm not the easiest person to handle.  I have a tendency to push people away- to build walls out of my fears and anxieties and let past wounds bleed the grout that keeps them tall and strong, keeping other people and feelings at bay.   Because of this, I know that with time, people just don't want to deal with it anymore-  that I am no longer worth the trouble.  I can deal with that.  It's understandable and I can accept that. 

What I've been finding myself running into more recently though (the past year or two), are people who just completely vanish with no warning.  I'm not talking about the relationships that just kind of dwindle away, but instead come to an unexpected, abrupt end.  I'm talking those people you meet who when you see their name come up, you instantly smile, you are instantly comfortable with, the conversations that seem to just flow-  tons in common, able to talk about anything and it feels natural not forced, consistently easy-  and then all of a sudden they are gone.  It's been to the point where I am seriously concerned that something dire has happened, but no... all signs (social media, etc..) point to them just cutting off communications with me.  This has happened not only with people who I have only been talking with for a short time (week or so), up to people I have been corresponding with for quite some time (years).   Some I have met in person and some not.  Some I had come to consider actual friends.  Then, with no warning,,,poof... gone.  No warning, no explanation, nothing.  One day we are chatting like everything is swell, and (literally) the next day they are gone.  It's so sudden and jarring and I'm not really sure it's actually happening until a few days, a week, etc.. have passed and my attempts to make contact continue to go unanswered, and then I'm ready to admit that I've once again been stranded with no reason (at least none provided). 



I am not too proud to realize that there is one blaringly common denominator in all of these situations, and that is me.   I've tried going back over all of the previous conversations to see if perhaps I said something that might have been taken wrong, or something... but there is nothing I can see that could have provoked such drastic measures.   I'm still floundering, trying to figure out what has happened in each case.     I'm left with my imagination, the sting of a lost friendship (and in some cases what I thought/ hoped may come to more), and another brick in my wall of "trust gone awry".  A thing I've been trying desperately to break down.  I'm still doing my best to not hide behind it, to trust people and know that somehow, they have their reasons for what has been done, even if I do not know the truth of it.  To trust that someday, someone will stick around.   It's a bitter pill to swallow, though, and man, that sucker is big.  



I'd just like to know why.   That's all I want.  What happened?  Why does it keep happening?  What is it that causes them to just disappear like that- so sudden?  It would be one thing if it was a gradual thing.  I understand that things die off.   It's the suddenness of it that is getting to me.  Something that I think is going just fine is just cut off.  It's more than just a Band-Aid being ripped off- you at least know the Band-Aid is there and is about to be torn off.  You know a pain is coming.  This is like being blindsided by a bus when you are on some backwoods country road and didn't see another vehicle coming for miles.    Is there something I am doing wrong?  Is there something about me that is all of sudden coming out and is repulsive to people- so much so that they can't even confront me about it?  I mean, seriously... what the actual fuck?   It's flabbergasting.  If it was just one or two guys it wouldn't bother me so much, but when you start having to use both hands to count them, shit is getting ridiculous.

Oh well.  As confusing, frustrating, and sad as it is... all I can do  is just continue to move on.  I'm not going to fight for someone who doesn't want me in their life; especially someone who doesn't even have the decency to at least say good-bye.  After my repeated attempts at communication go ignored and I take finally realize and take the hint-  I'm done.   I'm not going to sit here and berate myself, nit-picking to find every flaw and negative thing about me any longer than I already have.  I've worked hard to move away from the self-depreciation and into self-acceptance.  I'm not going to say I'm "happy" with myself, because anyone who knows me or has followed me long enough knows about my depression issues, but I am also not going to change for anyone either.  I've gotten to a point where I am content enough.  If I  decide I need to change something about myself (like trying to be nicer and happier, dammit, along with the whole 'be healthier' kick I've been on), it's going to be for me, not someone else.  If someone feels like I'm worth sticking around for through that, then awesome.  Otherwise, I have enough negativity without them.  I'm more interested in surrounding myself with positive energies at this junction in my life.  While I'd like to know the answers to my questions, I also realize I just may never know, and I suppose I'm okay with that.  Here they can sit, purged from my brain (which is the whole intent of this blog), and now I can move on to something more productive this weekend... like Orphan Black,  various movies, perusing and attempting recipes from this awesome little book:  The Geeky Chef Cookbook, walking in the damn parade,  and pendant making. among other things...  ;)






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Sunday, June 19, 2016

The Little Bird

Last night I had a dream about a little bird.  I guess it was more this morning, but the timing I suppose doesn’t really matter.  What matters was the message that was in the dream, and it was the accumulation of a couple of different things that have been rattling around in my head the past couple of weeks. 



I can’t remember the specifics of the dream, but I can give you the generalization of it.   I was working in some sort of animal sanctuary.  There was a little bird who had been bullied by a couple of the other animals.  (In this dream, animals and humans spoke to and understood each other.)  I don’t remember whether the bullying was done by other birds, or animals in general.  I also don’t remember what was said to the little bird, just that its feelings had been deeply wounded by whatever had transpired, so instead of joining the rest of the animals in the sanctuary, it had chosen to hide itself deep away, never to interact with another animal in order to never have to suffer the prospect of being hurt again.  

I discovered this, and called out to the bird.  I cannot recall my exact words, but my message was something along the lines of not judging all the creatures in the sanctuary by the actions of the very few, for the majority were genuinely kind at heart.  While there were some that were cruel, they were the minority and you cannot let them crush your spirit.  Only by staying true, and embracing the kindness in spite of the cruelness could you win over them, and in the end their words would truly mean nothing, for you are so much stronger than their broken words. 

Or something like that.   The dialogue went on for quite a while, and was very profound (at least it felt that way in the dream).  Then all of the human attendants in the sanctuary disappeared in a ray of golden light while I searched for the bird (except for me and the boss-guy for some reason… hell bound, I suppose?) and then I woke up to Daemian’s alarm… so I don’t know how the dream ended.   I don’t know if my words coaxed the bird out of its hiding hole or why the people were taken in divine light (I’m not a believer in God, so this has no meaning to me unless it’s just metaphorical).  

What I do know is that part of me feels like I lied to that poor little bird; that the cruel and unkind people are not the minority anymore.   I look around and every single day I see so much of it- so much bitterness, blame, hate, disdain, judgement, etc.    It’s all over the news, yes.  That is easy to see.  But take a look around in your own backyard and it’s even more prevalent.   I cringe to look at my social media pages anymore (Facebook).  It’s nothing but people attacking people.  Simply for having different outlooks on things.  Nothing more.  We view things differently.  We are different as individuals. We should be.  But people have forgotten how to discuss things as human beings.  We think that debating means throwing mud at each other (I blame politics for that).   We think that in order to discuss our side, it means we have to “prove” it, by any means possible, even if that means debasing and degrading the other person to do it.  We can’t just simply disagree on something and be done with it anymore. 



Then there is the more subtle cruelty.  The meanness that people such as you and me, the people that consider ourselves generally kind, create ourselves without sometimes even realizing it.  The kind that results from living in a society that has become so wrapped up in the individual that we don’t even see it happening.   I’m talking about things that may seem small or trite to me or you, but to the person it’s happening to, can be much bigger.  Or maybe it’s an accumulation effect that we’re not seeing but contributing to out of simple neglect.    Or discomfort. 




Things like being impolite to people in service positions. Shame on you, but sometimes I see it happen and I don’t think the person doing it realizes they are being rude (put your damn phone down and pay attention to the person in front of you).  The tailgating and driving like an asshole because you didn't leave early enough  to get where you need to be on time.  Or a bit more uncomfortable like  ghosting someone you are no longer interested in, leaving them wondering what happened with only their imagination to fill in the blanks, because you do not want to have that conversation with them for whatever reason  (I’ve been victim of this, as well as I’m sure perpetrator).  I think sometimes our indirect or unintentional cruelty to others comes from either having to deal with a flaw within us that we don’t want to admit to, a discomfort we don’t want to face, or just plain lack of paying attention to the people around us.   We are all guilty as well as victims of at least some of these some of the time.

If you are reading this and are one of the people I’ve hurt in any way, I’d like to take this moment to apologize.   I’d encourage you to take a moment and send me a message, privately or comment if you would like to do it publically, and let me know how I hurt you (in case it was one of those ones that I didn’t realize I was doing it), so that I can be aware, have it in my head so I can learn from it, and that you can have closure (if you need it) and I can know that it happened and be cognizant so that I don’t let it happen again.   


 Now, when I say "be kind",  I'm not saying I think we should all go out and push rainbows and unicorns and sappy, saccharine sweetness on everybody.  To be quite frank, that shit makes me want to vomit when I hear it.   However, as much as I have a general dislike of people, I still try and be kind.  I don’t believe that you have to like people in order to be a decent human being.  I don’t necessarily dislike people, I just feel like that little bird in the dream story up there.  I’d much rather go hide in a little niche in the side somewhere, and just live out my life not having to worry about interacting with people anymore.  I’m starting to get really tired of the disappointment.   I’ve been in enough strange interactions with people that some of my family/friends have honestly asked me how the hell I am still alive.  My answer is that I have a team of guardian angels working overtime, tagging in and out of the ring, with their own team of attendants bandaging their wounds, squirting water down their throats, and swabbing the sweat from their brow...  It’s the only plausible explanation when I look back on my life.   LOL   Sometimes they let me fall just enough, I think, so that (they hope) I will learn my lesson.   However, I never do.


And that is because, despite my callous words and my bleak disposition (to people who know or follow me), I will never stop believing in people.  I’ve got too much hope buried deep inside of my jaded heart that people are genuinely good inside.  I try to look past my insecurities and see the good in people, trust them, and give them the benefit of the doubt despite the “lessons” of my past.  I am too much of a hopeless romantic deep down to listen to what my team of guardian angels have tried to teach me.  Even if I am consistently hurt and disappointed, I cannot stop. Someone out there will be true and genuine, and eventually someone out there will love me for me.  



I am a believer that the type of energies you send out are the type of energies you will attract.   If you put forth negative energies into your atmosphere, you are going to draw negative energies to you.  The same for positive energies.   Like attracts like.    Birds of a feather.  You know all the metaphors.   Being someone who struggles with depression, I know how difficult it can be to try and keep those energies positive.  

I watched a webinar last week about emotional intelligence, and one of the things it touched upon was being aware, both of oneself and of others.  It encouraged us to practice this by mindful "doing", whether it be mindful eating, mindful reading, mindful meditation, etc...  but just being present in the moment of whatever you were doing.   I challenge all of us to take this out into the world-  to be mindful in our interactions with other people, whether they are someone we have known our entire lives, or someone who is just passing through for one brief interaction and we will most likely never encounter them again.   Be present in that moment, really pay attention to what is going on, to how you are reacting and responding, and make an effort to be kind.  Take responsibility for your actions, don't allow your negative energies to feed and spread.   If you find yourself harboring those negative thoughts-  anger, judgement, resentment, whatever form they may take-  take a step back and find something positive about the situation or person.  I don't care if you just notice how white their teeth are, or the fact that it's a beautiful day and not raining for once.    Just notice it.  Then notice another one.   Stop focusing on the negative.  Stop feeding it.   And once you start feeding the positive instead of the negative, take note of how you feel.  I can almost guarantee that you will feel better in some aspect.  I'm not saying that the stress of the situation will go away, but fuck-  don't help make it worse!  That's at least how I view it.


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