I've come to the conclusion that work makes me fat. Not physical work- but having a job work. You laugh. I'm serious.
I didn't use to be this big. Nope. I had gained weight after the kids, and I still looked huge to myself in the mirror. What is crazy, is that what I use to see in the mirror and bulk at- Well, that's pretty much what I am now. Sometimes that makes me feel better, because I think that maybe I'm actually seeing more than what is really there. Other times it makes me shudder, because I can't believe I let this happen.
Anyway- I'm going off course.
I've done a lot of thinking over the past several weeks. And something I've come to realize is that I am tons more productive at home when I am not working. Not only do I cook, but I bring down those cookbooks and find new recipes and actually COOK. I clean the house.. not just pick it up. I organize. I get into those overcrowded spaces and clear them out. I go through those hundreds of still-packed boxes and unpack or get rid of them. Man, do I need to do that. I get outside and walk. I have more patience when it comes to my kids, and their homework. I can volunteer at their schools and events and not feel like I'm pressing myself thin. I devote more time to things. I am not so exhausted by the time I get home that I want to just sit and veg. I crank up the radio and sing and dance my way through the day. I actually enjoy doing the housework and such. I loved having my boyfriend and kids come home to a clean house, knowing what I was making for dinner that night (if not having already started it), feeling accomplished at having tackled and finished projects.
Don't get me wrong. I love love love my job. It's the best I've ever had. The atmosphere is wonderful. My coworkers are wonderful. Even the patron's are great. But, I'm a lazy person. And when I get home, or on my days off, I don't want to do anything outside of the "needs-to-be-done".
So, now I need to figure out how to live in both worlds, and be both people. How do I mesh the person I am when I'm not working into the person I am while I am working? Somehow, take all that energy that I have when not working, and keep it going for when I get home, or have the day off. It's not like I'm going to be able to completely quit working anytime soon (try never), so I've got to figure something out. Anyone have any suggestions?
It was absolutely beautiful outside yesterday. So, not being able to resist being out in it, I decided to take our dog for a walk, and went to pick my daughter up from school. That's a 3-mile hike up and down the road. Nothing was wrong with the day or the walk. As a matter of fact, it was quite incredible. The walk seemed effortless, whereas the last time I walked it, I ached for days. The day was warm with a nice breeze to keep me from getting overheated.
The only problem was with the car of youngsters that drove by. There was a time in my life where walking down the road elicited cat-calls by these same carloads. This time, however, I was subjected to the cruelty about weight. It's the first real "slam" I've had concerning this issue. And, it really messed up an otherwise perfect day.
Since I've had my son, I've struggled with my body weight. Having always been a slim girl, I didn't know how to react to this extra baggage I was carrying around. While I was pregnant, it didn't bother me too much, because I was obviously pregnant, and that was an excellent excuse. Now- there are no excuses. In the past couple years, I have really packed them on. Due to personal happenings, and the outcomes of those happenings, I became complacent and folded into myself, not to escape what was happening, but as a coming home and finally feeling like I was where I needed to be. Unfortunately, I also became sedate, and that wrecked havoc on my waistline.
Now, looking in the mirror makes me ill. To that point where I've almost literally become sick from it. I hate it. I hate trying on new clothes, because nothing fits how I want it to. It only points out to me how much I have changed in body mass. I try to diet, healthfully, and exercise, but it doesn't quite work out how it should. Our lifestyle isn't very conducive to a healthy eating pattern. And neither is the fact that I'm still waiting on an oven (which should hopefully be there by the time I get home. I'm not holding my breath for that though). My weakened state doesn't let me exercise how I'd like to, although things like that walk are much overdue and underdone.
So- now I receive the insults instead of the catcalls. It's amazing how a body can change, and what it can do to one's mindset.
Have you ever read the book, or seen the movie, of Stephen King's 'The Mist'? Every time I think of that story, I think of my brain. It's how my brain feels of late. Fuzzy, obscure. I can't quite see in there, and there is something scary lurking within, snatching up thoughts, ideas and memories like the tentacles snatched up people.
I haven't been feeling well. My head aches in a dull, sickly way. My body (mostly my neck, shoulders and back) aches the same. My tummy has a constant hint of nausea at all times. My tongue feels covered with some kind of paper. And my eyes see things that aren't there. Not outright hallucinations. Just shadows.
In other words.. I feel icky.
But, in other news, I hung out with a monkey on my head today. No- not the metaphorical addiction, but my daughter's stuffed monkey. Apparently it was cozy up there while she attended to making her lunch this morning. It was cool. We hung out, ate bananas, and sung "Yellow Submarine" from the Beatles.
So, now I'm told I need to start blogging about Monkey's adventures whilst on my head. We'll see how that turns out. I may just have to attach him to a headband and start wearing him (her) around so there will be all kinds of fun stuff to write about.
Don't hold your breath for that. While blue may be my daughter's favorite color, I'm pretty sure Monkey's is yellow. And mine is orange. So no one wins there.
Wow. Not blogging from work really puts a dent in my blogging, doesn't it?! LOL
So, I guess I'm overdue for some updates. Since I have a few minutes before I have to leave, I thought I'd get some of those out here for those of you who follow this.
#1: My son's belly-
The surgery went splendidly. His dad and I sat for about an hour and a half with him, waiting for the anesthesiologist and surgeon to be ready (apparently they had another surgery that wound up going longer than they had expected). Once he was wheeled back, Dustin went and grabbed us all some Taco Bell (none of us had eaten, since my boy couldn't). We scarfed that down in one of the waiting rooms, and before we were even finished, the doc came in to tell us everything went well. It was just as he thought- a mass of scar and cyst, under the skin. He took it out, had to go just a bit farther than he expected to, but not by much. Closed everything, and now we were just waiting for him to start waking up.
Once he started to stir, they let us back to see him. He was all cozied up in the bed. Oh, by the way, before he went in, while waiting, since he had to be in that uncomfy cold "robe" they give you, they had this machine that was like a reverse vacuum. It hooked up to the robe, and blew warm air in between the two layers. It was AWESOME, and I want one.
Anyway.
So, he starts to wake. Of course, he's all doped up from the anesthesia, so getting him coherent took a little bit. Meanwhile, the nurse is going over after-care instructions with us- telling us that we will probably have to force feed him soft foods the first day, because his tummy will be queasy, and that he will most likely sleep all day. Of course, she told us about the pain meds, and all that are associated with that.
My son starts to really wake up. He asks for food and water, since he's famished (couldn't eat after midnight, and it was close to 2pm, if my memory serves me right). He got a poppyseed muffin, which he demolished. And two glasses of juice.
He decides he's ready to get up, and get dressed. The three of us leave and let the nurse help him. It's just one of those sheets that cover his area. Outside, we hear this, as he sits up:
"Woah! I sat up and Whoosh! Everything fell out of my head..."
We were trying our damnedest not to let him hear us snickering at that.
As for his lack of appetite, and drowsiness- he demanded a stack of poppyseed muffins and chicken noodle soup from Costco, which we obliged. He ate 2-3 muffins, and a can of soup, among other things. And stayed up until about 1 in the morning.
As for pain- the kid has none. His pain threshold plain doesn't exist. The only pain med he got was the one I made him take when I picked up his prescription, since the doctor told me to (for the waning anesthesia). He never needed another one. He's fine.
At his follow-up, the doctor checked and assured everything is healing fine. He can go back to normal activity- such as karate and P.E., on the 12th of March.
#2 My Laptop-
I got one! Let me here a "HaZaah!" for tax returns. It isn't anything spectacular. Not one of those multi-thousand $$$ ones I'm sure I would have thoroughly enjoyed. But it has a good enough graphics card to run Everquest 2 (a online computer game I play on occasion), surf the Internet, and still have WordPad open to write. All at the same time. So, that's cool. Now I just have to get use to the difference between using a desktop over using a laptop again. It gets frustrating, but it's worth it.
Ontop of that, I also need to learn a new Windows, since this has Win7(?) and my desktop has Vista(?). So far there isn't really much difference, that I can tell. Of course, I've always used the very basic of functions on the computer, so it could be spectacularly different, and I wouldn't have a clue. One thing I've noticed that I do really like is the "sticky note" function. I am already using the crap out of that, for motivational stuff, as well as keeping notes on my writing. Super jazzy.
#3 The Treadmill!-
I finally got one. It's your basic, beginner treadmill. I love it. It's fantastic. It hurts the crap out of my ankle, and I'm not sure why. But then, I've always had problems with my ankles and shins while running in P.E. in school, so it's nothing new. I just work through the pain, and deal with it. The end result is worth it, in my opinion. Dustin is using the crap out of it, too. We have it facing the television (but in the other room), so it's just dandy convenient. Even the kids get a kick out of using it. Groovy, I tell ya.
#4 Taxes-
I got my tax return, and it was good. I got to pay off my bills, and pay a month ahead. Want to hear something crazy? I paid my stupid electric company $500.. and still owe $0.63 for this month. *sigh* And I was able to get the kids new mattresses. Dustin is going to make them both platform-style beds, and we are going to paint the edges with chalkboard paint. I kind of want one of those! And I put a significant portion away in savings. I am hopeful that sometime soon that will go towards the deposit on a new-and-improved place. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
Well, that's all I've got for now. I'm sure there is more, but, since I just got home from work, and my ankles still hurt, and I'm tired and hungry, that's all my little brain can come up with.