Last night as I was getting ready to go to bed, I got a message on Facebook from one of my kids' friends. This is what it said:
In the night and the cold
My mind opens up and i can think clearly
But tonight in california..what was on my mind was you and your family
I guess i would like to thank you, thaydra
For raising your kids perfectly and better than most people do
I mean...your family..everyones happy with eachother and you all seem to treat each other as equals
You family is one of the most perfect iv ever seen and it hasnt gone unnoticed
Good job and..well hope you have a wonderful day
At a time when I am feeling very incapable, this was SO nice to hear. Especially from one of their friends- not another adult. Does that make sense? I guess it makes me feel that if someone their age and so close to them feels that way, then maybe they feel that way as well.
I've been steadily freaking out more and more lately. I'm trying to keep it under wraps. No one else needs to be affected by it, so I try not to wear it on my sleeve. Sometimes it's hard to keep the anxiety under control, though. I was hoping that I would be able to get bills caught up over the summer months, but it hasn't happened; not to the extend I had hoped for anyway. Now I see the winter months looming, not to mention the holidays. I'm just not sure how I'm going to do this again. My grip on control over my finances is slipping. I've looked at other jobs. In doing so, I've realized that many want skills I do not have- mainly computer based applications I am not familiar with. So, I guess I need to start teaching myself those. It's scary though, because I am to the point where I need the extra money now. I've been treading water enough to keep my head
above the surface enough to breathe, but the current is steadily getting
stronger, and I'm getting so tired. I've found myself considering options that I never would have even let cross my mind before, but now I am pausing long enough to give consideration... This terrifies me.
In the midst of this, I worry about what it's doing to my kids. I hate having to keep telling them "I can't afford it..." all the time. Even for small things like simply driving them to a friend's house. Or trying to scrounge up enough money to buy a gallon of milk or loaf of bread. It rips my heart out. They understand, and they don't give me grief for it. I can see the disappointment though, and it's heartbreaking. The realization that it's not ending anytime soon makes me sick to my stomach. I'm at a loss of what to do at this point. I'm just not cut out for this. I have to be strong, though, for them. I have to be the role model, and show them that I am making the best of what we do have, and that I am not giving up. I can't show them that giving up is an acceptable route.
I'm so tired though.
So being validated in my parenting skills was nice to hear. Especially because I have definitely been feeling as though I'm lacking, in all areas these days. It's nice to hear that someone thinks I'm doing a good job, and hopefully since it's one of my kids' close friends, it means that they feel something close to that as well.
It's something to hold onto anyway.
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